As with any long-running series, milestones such as the 100th episode (or even the
138th) are contractually required to result in a clip-show style extravaganza of self-congratulatory onanism and historical- revisionist exclamation of one's significance, importance, legacy etc which would make even Nine's Danny Weidler vaguely embarrassed.
The World Of Bollocks hereby extrudes:
Bollocks 101
A Hundred And One Things I Learned From Writing This Rubbish
or We Re-Read These Fucking Things, So You Don't Have To1. Roy Symonds was lambasted after Australia's ODI loss to Bangladesh in England, not for being too drunk to play, but for being un-Australian to lack skills enough to get away with it.
2. The non-selection of Billy Slater in the Qld Origin Team was the most controversial dropping of a player named Slater since a former NSW opener developed a debilitating powder-related nasal habit leading up to the 2001 Ashes tour and once there couldn't work out which of the three fluoresencent Andy Caddicks was supposed to be bowling at him. However, team management preferred to use less controversial phrases as 'unfortunate loss of form', and later, 'anklyosing spondylitis'.
3. Australians know what it takes to give quality crowd at a big game. And, Barmy Armed Forces, it takes knowing more than two fifths of fuck-all about the game and showing up thoroughly off-chops on Wankingbone's Old Incorrigible or some other room-temperature colostomy-bag supernatant.
4. This week's tips: Dragons over Tigers by 12-; Eels over Cowboys by 13+ (take the points start on NQ); Wellington over Canterbury by 12-; Swans over Eagles by a goal (plus or minus two); Chelsea over anyone and everyone one-nil (applicable for the rest of the season); Martyn over the hill, hotly pursued by Gillespie, Hayden and Langer; Symonds over Boonie's flight-home piss-sinking record by two cans; and Kate Moss over two lines of blow by lunchtime.
5. NOT being out in the streets bellowing '
Campione, campione, ole ole ole-o' the night Australia qualified for the World Cup would have been more un-Australian than being (a) John Howard or (b) parked outside Lucas Heights with a bootful of fertilizer.
6. Bloggers are a bunch of self-immersed, egotistical, whiny, desperate, look-at-me, try-hard sad cases. Pleading for the attention, credibility or respect they clearly didn't get as children, as their parents ignored them, their peers reviled them, and their latent ADD went unmedicated. Blogs give these pathetic, rightfully marginalised cretins a voice for the mawkish, irrelevant, cringingly ill-conceived sentiments that fester in the back of their tiny minds like virulent salmonella on three-day-old KFC remnants.
7. In most sporting teams, the coach carries the players. Except in the case of the Wallabies, where the players carry the coach.
8. South Sydney defeated the St George-Dapto Dragons in the Charity Shield, and in doing so managing to triumph over significant adversity: the battle for club control between Rusty and George Piggins; a fired-up Big Red V outfit who'd kept them scoreless in the first half; and finally, turning up to play in THE worst looking rugby league jumpers EVER. Including the Super League era. Seriously. Even Pro Hart phoned up to complain.
9. We're not about rewarding achievement here at
The Weak In Sport. We're about slagging vaguely famous bastards off for no apparent reason.
10. Tub Girl has signed for the Queensland Reds; evidently their season couldn't become any more of a shitstorm than it already has.
11. Austraya: it’s un-Australian to be from anywhere else.
12. Kenrick Monk swam the 100m and 200m Freestyle events at the Melbourne Commonwealth Games, replacing Ian Thorpe after his decision to pull out of the Games due to a mystery illness. “I'm not going to try and go out and be Ian Thorpe," said Thorpe's replacement. "I'm going to be Kenrick Monk." Which is good as he’s probably the most qualified (and only) candidate. His brother Bulletproof was not available for comment.
13. Compared with new Grand Prix racetracks like Turkey, China and Malaysia, Imola is the Bruce Ruxton of Formula One: a sad old joke. These days it's been completely munted by poxy Mickey Mouse chicanes inappropriately named after dead legends of the sport who had massive stacks in the ballsy superfast corners that were once there.
14. Tom Cruise is a fuckin' fruit loop. A couch-bouncing, placenta-eating, Scientology-dribbling nutbar who should be put in a sack and beaten with a big stick. Birth trauma my arse. (Though obviously the aliens told me to say that and I need to be audited post-haste.)
15. A shaman from Ecuador visited all 12 World Cup venues in Germany to banish evil spirits before the tournament started in June. Tzamarenda Naychapi - a priest who practises magic for healing, divination and controlling events, and definitely NOT a Scrabble clue - let out a loud scream to chase away evil spirits in the centre of the pitch at Leipzig's Zentralstadion. "I've come to Leipzig to purify this important place for the World Cup and to bring positive energy," said the 36-year-old. "I hope not to be locked up for being an absolute fruit loop," he added. "If I go down, Tom Cruise should go down as well." This marked the first time any of the Shamen had been heard from since their 1992 single 'Ebeneezer Goode'.
16. The rampantly xenophobic Fleet Street tabloids were out to get Sven-Goran Eriksson from the day he took the England manager's job in 2002 - sample quote "We’ve sold our birthright down a fjord for a nation of hammer throwers who spend half their lives in darkness" - but to their intense displeasure Sven turned out to be the best coach England had had in decades. As this was lousy for circulation they contrived to get rid of him by an entrapment sting involving a dodgy journo in a tea towel purporting to be lodging a takeover of Aston Villa and tapping Sven up as a potential manager; obviously, it's hugely unethical to go looking for a job when you're likely to be out of work in the next few months.
17. Argentine football has had a lot said about it, much of it derogatory, and much of it by the English tabloid media, given the long history of on- and off-field war between the two countries. To get a balanced, objective viewpoint it's necessary to put all this racist rhetoric aside, and look at the facts. The facts are these: they are nasty, dirty, cheating, stinking, diving, spitting, simulating, handballing bastards, every last fuckin' one of them.
18. When you want a job done right, do what the Americans do - give it to the Mexicans. That's certainly the case when the task in question is securing qualification to the World Cup; if FIFA World Cups were handed out on the basis of consistent attendance (like, for instance, 'Employee of the Month' plaques or PhDs), Mexico would be champion already.
19. Perennial MotoGP champion Vale Rossi decided to stick with bikes rather than going to F1 with Ferrari, as he was concerned that being an F1 star would completely fuck with his personal life, i.e. he'd be even more of a celeb and would find it bloody difficult to pick up in nightclubs, unless he wanted to end up with slop-bucket merchants like Paris Hilton.
20. Juventus FC are the Scuderia Ferrari of Italian football; they could probably win without cheating, but aren't interested in trying to find out.
21. Australia's first ever football international was played in 1922 against New Zealand, where else but on the Riviera of the Antarctic, Dunedin. Australia lost 3-1, beginning a long tradition of losing pointlessly to arseholes which has carried on almost to this day.
22. The entire nation of Sweden are a bunch of herring-pickling, Saab-driving, porn-obsessed weirdos.
23. It gets foggy in Christchurch.
24. Swiss football shares an unlikely parallel with Prime Minister for Life, John-Boy 'We hates faggots in these parts' Howard, in that both are looking desperately back to the 1950s for the last time they were in any way relevant. The 1954 World Cup final, hosted by Switzerland, was held in the dubiously named Wankdorf stadium, still in use today as the home ground of Swiss first division side Young Boys Berne. Indeed a recent UEFA Cup debacle where Young Boys shipped a bunch of goals at home was met with a now apocryphal headline on ESPN's
Soccertwat.com: YOUNG BOYS WANKDORF SHAME.
25. Spain have spent the last eighty years trying, and failing, to win the World Cup. Having managed to turn up for a hell of a lot of tournaments without actually achieving anything, Spain are the IT nerds at the office Christmas party - they turn up on time, full of hope and cheer, they hang around all night, but they’re about as likely to go home with the hottie receptionist as they are of moving out of their mum’s house before they’re thirty.
26. Commentator Gary Bloom, late in the Sweden versus T&T game: 'Trinidad and Tobago's chances in this World Cup have been written off more times than the Mexican national debt.' Next week, Martin Tyler gives his position on the AWB wheat subsidies scandal in the context of the larger debate over the UN oil-for-food scheme in Iraq.
27. Tomas Rosicky of the Czech Republic was the first round clubhouse leader in the
Captain Arse Award for most astonishingly bullshit goal of the World Cup, having hit his first goal of the tournament from the stadium car park.
28. Anthony Mundine deserves our sympathy because without even wanting or asking to be, and perhaps without the cognitive capacity or oratory skills for the role, he's become the leader, the idol, the mouthpiece if you will for a broken and troubled people who have been thoroughly ripped off by a massively corrupt governing body. Their resources stripped, their leaders vanished, their younger generations stolen, and their chance for redemption and glory cruelly taken away from them, Mundine is all they have left to remember better days by. That '99 St George team were fucking cheated in the Grand Final - penalty try my arse, that Storm guy dived like Greg Louganis in an Argentina shirt.
29. In addition to pre-tournament favourites Quim (Portugal), Fred (Brazil) and full-postal-address provider Vennegoor of Hesselink (Netherlands), frontrunners for the
Stefan Kuntz Golden Nametag for the Player with the Most Unfortunate Name included Pizarro (Costa Rica), Oddo (Italy), Pantsil and Pimpong (Ghana), and Schweinsteiger (Germany).
30. How to turn a two-nil loss into a moral victory in three easy steps:
(1) Their first goal was off-side.
(2) They wouldn't have scored the second if they hadn't scored the first.
(3) Holding the Brazilians nil-all is undoubtedly a moral victory for the Socceroos.
Next week: we prove categorically that black is white, and get run over on a pedestrian crossing. And get sued by Douglas Adams' copyright lawyers.
31. Joe Cole took over as favourite for the Tasco Telescope award for most astronomical long-range shot with his 45 metre strike in the group stages. If Tomas Rosicky hit his from the carpark, Cole was halfway to the fucking train station.
And furthermore I got in trouble for
this.
32. Australia vs Italy: Italy will win one-nil. Italy
always win one-nil. One-nil is programmed so deeply into the Italian footballing psyche, it'll never be overcome, no matter how flashy or prolific their attackers seem to be. It's the sort of birth trauma not even twelve months' auditing by the professionals in the basement of Scientology HQ on Castlereagh St could deprogram.
33. 'Off-side' is defined as:
(a) The position Harry Kewell is in when he scores equalising goals [Surnames ending in 'avic' only]
(b) A player is in an offside position if "he is nearer to his opponents' goal line than both the ball and the second to last opponent," unless he is in his own half of the field of play. A player level with the second last opponent is considered to be in an onside position. Note that the last two opposing players can be either the goalkeeper and an outfield player, or two outfield players. And no, of course I didn't look that up on Wikipedia, what are you trying to suggest?
(c) The side of the field where all the gayest cricket shots are played - have a fuckin' slog across the line, what are ya a poofta or sumfink
(d) The opposite to 'near-side', which is the side of the car your girlfriend always dings when parking
(e) Being inside the ten at the play-the-ball
(f) Silverside that's been left out in the sun too long
(g) Your best mate's missus, unless you're Wayne Carey
34. Accusing an Italian of being a diver is like accusing a fish of being damp.
35. It was hardly worth getting pissed off over the Italy game; Australia were lucky to make it as far as that after the game against the Cros, where a dozen strong and proud young sons of Croatia battled like lions to defeat the best Australia could throw at them. Given that one of those strong and proud sons of Croatia was actually playing in goal for the Socceroos, it was a massive achievement getting away with an amazing 2-2 victory (as the Channel Seven news ticker at Federation Square reported it).
36. Portugal 0 France 1: One team turned up to play football, the other were apparently out to score 10s on the floor apparatus. All Cristiano Ronaldo and co needed were their streamers and their leotards and they'd have been shoe-ins for the gold in the rhythmic gymnastics.
37. Cristiano Ronaldo: "Everyone who saw the match could see that the referee wasn't fair. He should have shown yellow cards and I should have had a penalty
[referring to one outrageously ludicrous dive he put on in the second half] but he did not because Portugal is a small country."
LESBN's Tommy Smyth With A Feckin' Y: "You might not agree with Cristiano Ronaldo's comments, but he got one thing spot on, absolutely right. He said Portugal is a small country. He's absolutely right, it
is a small country."
38. You're the highest-paid professional footballer on Earth, captain of your national team, in the biggest game in the world, your last ever game of football, fifteen minutes from penalties, and some lanky streak of
merda calls you a rude name. What do you do? Do you (a) ignore him; (b) tell him he has beautiful eyes; (c) tell him
his sister fucks like a rogue elephant, largely because she's the size of one; or (d) nut him one and get yourself sent to the showers for a bit of a sob? If you answered (d), you are a fucking idiot and you probably have just lost your nation the World Cup. You may as well change your name to Herschelle Gibbs; at least you won't be a Scrabble clue anymore.
39. The Mayor of Hiroshima 'What The Fuck Was That' Trophy for Biggest Surprise of World Cup 2006: Dr Yobbo, for winning the office tipping comp after being mired in midfield for most of the comp and giving away buckets of points to the leaders until the semis and final. For this he received a moderately large sum of money in a brown envelope, and has promised to book anyone playing against Juventus next week.
40. The greatest sledge in cricket history:
Glenn McGrath to Eddo Brandes: "Why are you so fucking
fat?"
Brandes to McGrath: "Because every time I fuck your wife she gives me a biscuit."
41. Zidane's car wouldn't start this morning.42. We're back, we're bad, he's black, I'm mad. Seriously. I'm MAD. Mad as a cut snake. Crazy as, I'm tellin' ya. Not "I'm crazy and therefore I'll give you large discounts on Telstra-branded mobile communications products" crazy... no, I'm more "sink vast quantities of piss then try to wobble home down the coast road at a good 120mph, then offer La Polizia a free character reference on arrival, along with my incisive dissection of the Middle East crisis" crazy. I tell ya, son, the Jews are a lot of fuckers, they're to blame for everything. Wha?... I swear Drinkstable, I haven't had a cunt all night...
43. If overcome by the urge to have a bit of a crack at Hashish Amla, Deano-style, because he looks like Arsenio Hall with his head on upside down, one should just pause a while, take a breath, relax, and let the feeling fade. Do not, repeat NOT, call him a terrorist, even in jest; Muslim types are a little bit over-sensitive about that sort of thing for some reason. If you must say something, restrict yourself to asking the rhetorical question, "Whatever happened to the other members of ZZ Top?"
44. The Crocodile Hunter'
funeral plans were announced, with the body to be turned into attractive handbag and matching shoes.
(Yes, it was too soon.)
45. Brock accident investigation report released - cause of death reported as 'crashing car into tree'. At press time it had not been confirmed whether the tree was stamped with a Ford part number.
46. The name of the new Gold Coast NRL team was announced as the Titans, beating out more prosaic, eloquent and fitting suggestions such as the Gold Coast Developers, the Gold Coast Slumlords, the Gold Coast Bimbos and the Gold Coast Cunts. This being the Gold Coast, it was assumed that the 'tit' in 'Titans' largely consisted of silicone.
47. Following the precedent of 'Dr' Shane Warne, your correspondent could have saved himself four years of bullshit slog, working weekends and near permanent hangovers by just sitting on one's fat arse, eating baked beans, sinking piss, smoking Alpines, boning English slappers, sledging people at random and occasionally rolling the arm over.
48. Llittle Lleyton Hhewitt took to parading around Buenos Aires in the leadup to the Big Davis Cup Stoush vs the Argies surrounded by hired muscle, declaring himself 'at risk from physical harm' at the hands of the locals. If he'd seen five minutes of any World Cup game they played in Germany, he'd realise he was in very little personal danger; the moment he brushed past them, they'd fling themselves on the floor and convulse hideously like they'd been shot up the arse with a BB gun.
49. In the subsequent tournament Llittle Lleyton went on to prove he was (a) a loser, (b) a cock, and (c) never to be allowed in the company of foreigners again.
50. Former '80s Quoinsland and Strayan fast bowler Craig 'Billy' McDermott, these days a multi-millionaire Gold Coast property developer, recently had his big fuck-off boat into the shop to be detailed. A home-made videotape of himself and his missus on the job, which had been left on board, was subsequently used to blackmail Billy for tens of thousands of your Australian dollars. This is what is called 'Very GC'.
51. Pon-Tang Clan ain't nothin' to fuck with.
52. The national sport of Spain is football, closely followed by MotoGP. The national sport of Spain is not, in fact, stacking their Paralympics basketball team with tall wankers pretending to be 'tards.
53. Noel Gallagher is in his late thirties, seemingly still gets his hair cut by his mum with a pudding bowl and tin snips, and plays in a Beatles tribute band called Oasis. Yes, they're still not dead yet.
54. Almost everyone named Brad is a cock. Particularly Brad the ute-driving Cletus from Woombieland who tried to crash our one-dayer mission to the Gabba a few years back. You know who you are, choad warrior. We even HAD a spare ticket and there was still no fuckin' way you were getting it.
55. Our guide to playing the
Blues Explosion Drinking Game:
1. Go to one of their gigs.
2. Every time John Spencer randomly bellows "
BLOOOOOZE EXPLOSION!!!", drink.
3. Fall over.
56. Following their annual November shellacking at the hands of the All Blacks, the French Rugby Union have decided against scheduling further France-NZ test matches at that time of year, citing their national compulsion to honour Armistice Day by surrendering to anyone in a snappy uniform just out of habit.
57. Kevin Pietiersien is reputedly this England generation's answer to Tony Greig, not that Tony Greig is a question in need of an answer in this or any other generation (other than 'For the love of God, WHY?'); Andrew Fuckoff is reputedly this England generation's answer to Ian Botham, reputedly proving that this England generation is a piss-poor knockoff of thirty years ago; Geraint Jones's work behind the stumps habitually results in more forlorn byes than the departures terminal at Sydney airport; while Brett Lee does seven Weet-Bix for breakfast. Imagine if he ate them instead of defiling them with his night tools?
58. Rugby writers Greg Growden of the
SMH and Peter Jenkins of the
Terrorgaff were responsible for the successful campaign to get rid of Wallabies coach Eddie Jones in favour of Knuckles Connolly, a fat old clown with less clue than Inspector Gadget and a game plan about as coherent and well-executed as the voice-over dubbing on the Flight Centre commercials.
59. Far from just being a dreary slab of self-indulgent navel-gazing grunge whining on behalf of Slaphead Billy Corgan and his dysfunctional Pumpkins, 1979 was actually a period of 12 months that occurred in the late 1970s. As late into the late 1970s as possible, in fact.
60. In the past seven Ashes contests, more English wickets have been taken by bowlers called Shane than by bowlers with any other first name, resulting in Australian coach John Buchanan's selection of a First XI made up of Shane Warne, Shane Watson, Shane Bond, Shane Gould, Shane Kelly, Shane Heal, Pat O'Shane, Cheyne Horan, Shane Horgan, Shane Webcke and Shane St James (12th man: Twania Shane)
61. Nine's 'Hot Spot' thermal camera is the most stupid, vapid and pointless idea, object or concept since the invention of Kyle Sandilands.
62. The Barmy Army are the only travelling sports fans anywhere in the world, in any sport, who in times when their team are struggling and need a lift (to wit, for the English cricket team any time other than 2004 and 2005), choose not to shout messages of support or reassurance but instead start chanting THEIR OWN NAME in an astonishing orgy of masterbatory narcissism.
63. As England discovered on Day 3 of the Brisbane test, you don't get any points for hitting Billy Bowden. Five runs are awarded to the batting side if the ball hits his helmet, but it was a bit too far to the left for that.
64. THE WEAK IN SPORT with Dr Yobbo (and unnecessary capitalization) was relaunched as the ALL NEW (though still with unnecessary capitalization)
Dr Yobbo's World of Bollocks. Well, partially new. We changed the font on the header. Oh yeah, we did a
new logo too, but Eddie McGuire didn't let us use it. What a total funtcase.
65. 'Brangelina' is not a brand of high-fibre laxative. Although that is the effect they have on us.
66. Despite the likelihood that you will be surrounded by a dozen or so abundantly fertile women at the height of their reproductive prime, it is generally not appropriate to use your antenatal class as a place to check out other chicks. Nor is it wise to get their phone numbers 'just in case it doesn't work out with this guy'.
67. Most Bulldogs fans would be lucky to be able to tell Peyton Manning from Eli Manning, Bernard Manning, Bernard Fanning, Manning Clark, Manfred Mann-ing, Nelson Manningdela or the Manning Bar at Sydney Uni. Then again, many Bulldogs fans would struggle to distinguish their arse from their elbow without reference to an Anatomy textbook.
68. Can someone explain why the fuck anyone would listen to 22 year old Scarlett Johansson trying to sell you anti-ageing cream? If she was your grandma and she looked like Scarlett Johansson then you'd have a case for the product working two-fifths worth a bugger. Mind you if your grandma looks like Scarlett Johansson I'm coming along to your family Chrismas this year.
69. The record for the fastest Test hundred ever is held by English bowlers Ian Botham and John Emburey, who combined to score a century from 56 balls in the Fifth Test against the West Indies in Antigua in April 1986, with the help of local batting machine Vivian Richards. This marks the finest achievement by a bloke with a girl's name since Andrea de Cesaris claimed pole position at the 1982 United States Grand Prix.
70. It's Awards Season: gaudy coloured metallic trinkets are changing hands faster than ziplock bags of oregano and lawn clippings at Schoolies. Don't knock it, it's a legitimate way to make some holiday cash, and its not as though the little bastards can tell the difference.
71. Wouldn't you reckon the Israeli president would be famous enough to be able to pull a root without resorting to Rohypnols?
72. Channel Nine
reichfuhrer and acclaimed knob Edward McGuire, not content with exorcising Skeletor from morning TV, wanted to bone Humphrey as well. Granted, Humphrey spends much of his time without any pants on, which could be construed as overly provocative and could potentially incite Humphrey being boned against his will (particularly in the opinions of high court judges from South Australia).
73. Irony is not, as many believe, a description of a substance which has a larger than average proportion of iron. Furthermore, the Pussytwat Trolls are all heinous slappers you wouldn't even root for practice.
74. While on a training retreat in Portugal last weekend, prior to the resumption of the Champions League Of Etc overnight, Liverpool nutter Craig Bellamy took two things: he took offence at ginger Danish centreback John-Arne Riise's refusal to sing karaoke with him while out on the turps, and then he took to Riise with a five-iron. Which Liverpool FC and their wholesome new US owners have not taken kindly to, oddly enough.
75. We finally found X. In your face, first-year calculus lecturer.
76. Despite Honda's green-tinged PR bollocks to the contrary,
the much-hyped Honda Earth Dream F1 Car was no more fuel efficient than any other car on the F1 grid, or than, for instance the Space Shuttle. Not to mention the fact the thing will only go 1400km max before blowing up. Insert Challenger/Columbia joke here.
77. Proving our long-standing claim that he would amount to far more than your average Stoner from Kurri, Casey Stoner won the season-opening MotoGP round in Qatar in his first ride for Ducati. In keeping with company policy we considered some sort of hideous pun at this point, but after vegan punk guitarist Lindsay McDougall's efforts on national yoof radio, nothing we could come up with could possibly compare with the claw-your-own-face-off cringeworthiness inherent in describing Stoner's victory lap as a 'Qatar solo'.
78. Two billion of your capitalist-running-dog American dollars is the sum which manky-bearded Chelsea owner and seriously rich cunt Roman Abramovich has foregone in his divorce settlement with newly ex-wife Irina, a former flight attendant. The last time Abramovich paid ridiculous money in order to get fucked over was as recent as last August, though Shevchenko has at least started scoring goals eventually.
79. McLaren has the honour of being the only F1 team named after a dead New Zealander. At least until Tiger's caddie Steve Williams carks it, presumably by getting his head trapped up Tiger's arse and asphixating.
80. The Casanovas,
All Night Long: Appear to be taking themselves vaguely seriously. This is not a good idea when you are writing songs that are cheesier than a cheeseburger with extra cheese at a fondue party. But, then again as the Good Lord said, what a friend we have in cheeses.
81. All music died after
Definitely Maybe,
Blood Sugar Sex Magik and/or
A Man's Not A Camel. 'I know why dinosaurs became extinct; it's because they learned how to suck their own cocks'. That's philosophy, homes.
82. Only one Olympian has managed to avoid undergoing the compulsory genetic test for gender and still managed to compete in their chosen event. Unsurprisingly this was Princess Anne in Montreal 1974; unsurprisingly as she is actually a horse.
83. Liverpool FC goalkeeper Jose 'Pepe' Reina had his house broken into while he was slightly preoccupied saving his team's arse in the penalty shootout that decided Pool's Champions League semi against Chelski. Rumours have persisted that the culprit was in fact Chelsea midfielder Frank Lampard, as noone is able to vouch for his whereabouts throughout the duration of the game.
84. Some people like cross-dressing, some people like sniffing female cyclists' bike seats. Some people even like Gretel Killeen, or what's left of her.
85. 'Braith Anasta: fucking useless overrated fuck'. Discuss. You may use additional pages if necessary, we dare say you'll need to.86. NASCAR's newest race winner and Eater Of All The Pies, Juan-Pablo Montoya, is Hispanic. Trust the Americans to know fuck-all about racing and yet still manage to make it all about race.
87. The Hi-5 theme does NOT actually go 'Five in the ass, let's do it together'.
88. There's few things funnier than watching Goths melt in the sun. Livid 2000: more liquefied mascara than a Kiss Army funeral procession.
89. If rock-dumb trophy wives of football players can't spout jawdroppingly off-beam and intolerant viewpoints on daytime television, THE TERRORISTS HAVE WON!
90. Even if Lewis Hamilton WAS Jesus Christ incarnate, after listening to one bleating, lickspittling hour of James Allen spanking himself purple over him, even the Reverend Fred Nile would end up cheering Satan in the red car. Although I understand Schumacher retired last year.
91. The name of the Queensland doctor who assessed Dallas Johnson as ready to play the second half of Origin III was suppressed by Maroons officials, however following some typically tenacious investigative journalism on the part of The World Of Bollocks
we were able to EXCLUSIVELY REVEAL the identity of the medical expert in question:
92. John Butler Trio,
Grand National: It's a John Butler Trio album. What the fuck do you expect it to sound like? Def Leppard?
93. Melbourne vs Brisbane, NRL Round 22: Actually watching this game may in fact be the dumbest thing you could possibly do short of cleaning your contact lenses with your own gob.
94. The point of Facebook appears to be twofold: (1) You can count up how many friends you have and use this information to compete with other people, just like you used to in kindergarten, and (2) You can represent diagrammatically how each of your friends knows each other. Which is good, because you might forget, given that you probably introduced the motherfuckers in the first place when drunker than George Best.
95. When struggling to come up with new content for your blog, try shamblesing-together a bunch of funny T-shirt ideas that someone else has already come up with.
96. Or just blatantly rip it off
The Onion.
97. Talking absolute bollocks and selling bullshit to the public is probably how one ends up a successful multi-millionaire real estate agent in the first place.
98. How long can a trough monster can survive in its natural environment? A fair while. It could probably survive a decent length of time on those little yellow urinal cakes.
99. There's something about rock chicks, dammit. Sarah McLeod from the Superjebus wouldn't have been anywhere near as hot if she'd been a florist or a parking officer. (Is she the only McLeod who has yet to turn up on
McLeod's Daughters?)
100. The NRL's recreational drug testing regime has been, up till recently, about as extensive and comprehensive as any collection of Willie Mason quotes which fail to represent him as an arse-brained fucktard.
101. There are more terrible things than musical comedies where everyone sings. There is something worse, and it really does blow: when a long-running series does a cheesy clip show.The Doctor is OUT.
___________________________
PS If you're wondering, which you're not, but if you were, the top five Worlds of Bollocks according to their overly proud Creator in no particular order other than chronological are:
Worst. Decision. Ever. (33)The disappointment of going out of the World Cup in exactly the dubious manner foreshadowed by office oracle Nostrildramus was successfully channelled into our World Cup Exit Survey.
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust (57)The only Ashes preview ever to reference Robert Smith from the Cure, the NSW Roads and Traffic Authority, busted-arse Valiants and Eddie McGuire wanting to bone Skeletor.
Dr Yobbo's Guide To Important Bloke Stuff, Volume 1 (66)If you have functional testicles and a partner with maternal tendencies, you need to read this. Trust me.
Eff One Season Preview (81)Does pretty much what it says on the tin.
Dealing with loss, industrial deafness and ludicrous queues for the slashers (88)A nostalgic ode to one's youth, largely spend standing in a paddock getting drunk, sunburnt and deaf.
The mere presence of the Bears on the last Sunday in September would be reason enough for celebratory shout-outedness, but add to that the Bears' partnership with Southern neighbours the Rabbitohs, owned by little-known former Neighbours actor Rusty Crowe, and it all summates to an unlikely continuation of the Bunnies' Cinderella season after its untimely demise at the hands of the wicked hermaphroditic stepsister from the northern beaches. Half the Bunnies' regular squad are still eligible for Bears jumpers and have starred in their Grand Final run, including departing halfback Joe Williams, stoopid-good midget dummy half Eddie Paea and legendary rangy fullback David Peachey, who might even get the premiership sendoff he deserves in retirement.
