C is for Christ this looks like a difficult group, just as well we're not in it

Group of Death? Yeah, this is probably it.

Group C

Argentina

Ivory Coast

Serbia and Montenegro

Netherlands


ARGENTINA
World ranking: 4
Coach: Jose Pekerman
World Cup record: 14th appearance
Best finish: Champion (1978, 1986)
Last appearance: First round (2002)
World Cup odds: 13-2
How qualified: Second in South American qualifying

Argy Bargy
Argentine football has had a lot said about it, much of it derogatory, and much of it by the English tabloid media, given the long history of on- and off-field war between the two countries. To get a balanced, objective viewpoint it's necessary to put all this racist rhetoric aside, and look at the facts. So let’s dismiss all the negative stereotypes and talk honestly and fairly about the Argies.

They are nasty, dirty, cheating, stinking, diving, spitting, simulating, handballing bastards. Every last fuckin' one of them.

That aside, they are genuine candidates for the big tin cup this time around, twenty years on from their last title at Mexico 86. They have an excellent crop of young players coming through (reigning Olympic and World Youth Cup champions), have plenty of skill at all positions, and is one of the few teams that can beat Brazil.

But they're still cheating bastards who need a kick in the arse, and the Weak in Sport hopes they go out miserably in the first round like last time. That was piss-funny.

Who ate all the pies?
Mention Argentina in a footballing sense and there's only one image that springs to mind: Maradona. Actually, there's two images that spring to mind there. One is of Maradona in a blue shirt carving up the entire England team bar the bus driver and the guy who cuts the half-time oranges to score his second goal in that infamous quarter-final at Mexico 86; the is other of a Michelin Man-sized Maradona being wheeled into rehab on a ventilator looking like a cross between Skasey's final days on Mallorca and Marlon Brando in The Island of Dr Moreau. Thus was the dichotomy of old mate Diego the Dago: a brilliant talent as a footballer, but a total fucking idiot as a human being. Then again, like the Chili Peppers in the early '90s, he did all his greatest work while completely off-chops on narcotics - he was allegedly introduced to cocaine playing for Barcelona in 1984 - so perhaps Charlie IS a performance enhancing drug and Dell had the right idea after all.

















Things go better with Coke


Falkland hell
The England-Argentina rivalry needs no further introduction - the latest installation was a pulsating 3-2 "friendly" earlier in the year which Sven's boys managed to nick at the death - but the red tops may have a point with their Argie bashing, judging from the complete failure of any Argentine footballers to make any sort of impact in the English league since Ossie Ardiles and Ricardo Villa at Spurs in the late '70s/early '80s (both of whom had their employment in North London abruptly terminated when the Falklands stink erupted in 1982). Top-class Argentine players have played and thrived for top-class teams in the Serie A in Italy and La Liga in Spain for years - indeed some are so much part of the furniture at their Italian or Spanish clubs it's a stretch to remember whether they're local juniors or imports any more, particularly those with Italian or Spanish surnames - but most have been high-profile failures at English clubs. The most prominent case in point would be that of Juan Sebastian Veron, a masterful string-pulling playmaker at Sven's title-winning Lazio team of the late '90s, but a total waste of space at Manchester United. Hernan Crespo at Chelsea is the latest example - at Lazio, Inter and AC Milan he was a first-team God; at Chelsea he's a bit-part bench-warmer at best.

And therein lies the secret to beating Argentina: play Premiership football against them. Play fast and rugged, press them relentlessly, take their time and space away, and they'll go to sludge faster than unpainted MDF garden furniture left out in a thunderstorm.

Seedy behaviour
FIFA's ludicrous seeding policy has resulted in the Argies having to face the Dutch in the group stages at Germany 2006. These two teams have had an under-the-radar rivalry for years - not as overt and willing as Argentina-England or Argentina-Brazil, but still capable of turning out excellent games of football. Argentina's inaugural WC title was captured at home in '78 against the Dutch. 20 years later the second-best game of the entire France 98 tournament was the Argentina-Netherlands quarterfinal; Patrick Kluivert banged in an early goal, Claudio Lopez equalised for the Argies and the game was ON. The play was end-to-end, the ref was doling out cards like a blackjack dealer, and the crowd at the Stade Velodrome (a massive old-skool bowl) was going ORFFF. With 15 minutes to go the Dutch went down to 10 men with a dubious second yellow for Rangers' Arthur Numan; he rolled his eyes and trudged off as the Oranje army howled in protest, knowing their boys were really in the poo.
Then, with three minutes left to do, the inheritor of Maradona's hallowed Number 10 (so hallowed that Maradona these days hosts a chat show in Argentina called The Night Of Number 10 - he's actually doing OK these days, not such a fat bastard), bemulleted Argentine striker Ariel Ortega, went over in the area after apparent contact with Dutch keeper Edwin van der Sar. The crowd held their collective breath (and their individual breath, presumably.) The ref strode up and brandished a yellow card... towards the prostrate Ortega, for diving. At which point van der Sar, standing two metres and change over Ortega, offered the Argentine number 10 a free character reference. Ortega took exception to this, and as he got to his feet, snotted the Dutch keeper with his forehead with a copybook Glasgow kiss (aka Liverpool kiss, aka insert-name-of-rather-rough-town-here kiss). Van der Sar went down like a sack of shit and Ortega and his mullet were sent for a shower.
Finally, in the second-last minute, a long ball out of midfield found Dennis Bergkamp wide on the right. He beat his man and nailed a spectacular winner which sent the Oranje kiddies into hysterics. 2-1. Argentina went home, the Dutch went on to lose on penalties to the Brazilians (who benefited from some seriously dodgy refereeing decisions) in the semi, and barely even turned up for the third place playoff with the Cro's, who stuffed them royally.
(In case you're wondering, the BEST game of World Cup 98 was actually the group stage game between Spain and Nigeria... but that's another story.)

Playing style
Fair to say that these boys are the most European of all the South American teams. With their strong Spanish and Italian heritage (plus the odd German who found their way over there after WWII) as well as the fact that most of their players turn out for Serie A or La Liga sides, the Latin American flair you'd expect from their part of the world is tempered with a solid backbone of Latin European structure and shape. Which is why they're so bloody hard to beat.

Least useless player
Juan Roman Riquelme, current holder of Maradona's number 10 shirt, will be Argentina's string-puller out of midfield. Riquelme came across from Argentina with massive wraps on him (the new Maradona, etc) and was signed by Barcelona a couple of years ago, but he never quite made it there and was farmed out to Villareal. There he spearheaded the Yellow Submarine's awesome Champions League run this year, the furthest any non-G14 club (Group of 14, the self-styled, self-serving association of super-rich Euro clubs) has made it in years. However it was his penalty miss in the final minute of the semi final second leg which meant Arsenal went through instead of his boys, so that will be something he wants to get over wid a quickness. That aside he's quickly developing the hallmarks of Maradona in his pomp. Or at least one of them - a bit of a paunch.

Likely fate
ARG-NED on June 21 will be absolutely massive, probably the biggest game in any group in the entire first round. Whoever gets the win there will likely top the group and face Mexico in round two; whoever gets second in the group will probably face Portugal (who, as observed last Weak, aren't the same side who made the final of Euro 2004). This feeds into the England-Germany-Sweden etc side of the draw where Argentina wouldn't have much to fear. Not a bad draw all told. Will smack into the real big guns at the semifinal stage where their chances would probably be evens. Should cancel hotel bookings after: the final, but should have the bags packed after the semi just in case.


IVORY COAST
World ranking: 41
Coach: Robert Nouzarat
World Cup record: First appearance
World Cup odds: 66-1
How qualified: Won African Group 3


Teaching Les Elephants to tap dance
This is the first trip to the Big Show for the Ivory Coast (or Cote d'Ivoire if you want to be a haughty baguette eating Frenchie type). It's fair to say les Elephants (French for 'The Elephants') came out of nowhere to qualify for Germany, but it's also fair to say that they're in very good form right now, having narrowly been beated by Egypt in the African Cup of Nations final earlier in the year, and having topped their group in qualifying. Most of their top players turn out for first-division French sides, apart from the highest-profile pair of Kolo Toure and Didier Drogba who play in the Premiership.

The Drog's Bollocks
Drogba, who joined Chelsea from Marseilles, has scored buckets of goals for the Blues since his arrival and these have underpinned their back-to-back championships. However, he's inadvertently become the face of 'Chelski', Chelsea's evil twin, who according to handwringing elements in the English media, are going to destroy English, European and world football single-handedly with their blank-cheque, rule-flouting, win-at-all-costs approach. (Because at no time in all of history have rich blokes ever thrown pots of money at half-useful clubs in the past in order to make them successful.) Drogba's major crime, other than being ever-so-slightly light on his feet in the area, has been his public admission of deliberately controlling the ball with his hands - in two weeks he scored two Premiership goals via a handball, only one of which was disallowed. Drogba's position is straightforward: "I handled it but this is part of the game. "I try to score and if the referee sees the handball there is a restart. He didn't see it, so for me it is the game."
Presumably he'll get on well with the Argies then.

















Inspired by Diego and the Drog, Argentina give their own revisionist take on handling balls in the area (L-R Ortega, Zanetti, Batistuta, Veron and Simeone)
...OK that's a piss-weak segue but I just wanted to use this photo, it's fucking gold


Playing style
Expansive and flamboyant in the best traditions of African football.

Least useless player
Other than the Drog, Arsenal's centre-half Kolo Toure is your man here, fresh from single-handedly shutting down Ronaldinho McDonaldinho in the Champions League final to the point where some spectators claimed they didn't see him at all. (The fact that aforesaid spectators included Thierry Henry suggested a possible reason why Arsenal didn't score enough goals to beat Barca on the night.) However he wasn't always in such famously good form. On his Champions League debut for Arsenal, little enough was known about him that ESPN production staff managed to pull off a brilliant snow job on irreverant (and irrelevant) bogus Irishman Tommy Smyth with a Y (and various other consonants); presumably reading from notes assembled by a now-unemployed staff researcher, Tommy announced "the debut of Arsenal's new Irish international defender, Col O'Toure..."
Right into the back of the auld onion bag, eh Tommy?

Likely fate
Third in Group C and flying home (i.e. France, for the most part) straight after the group stage. Unless they can channel the spirits of El Hadji Diouf's Senegal of 2002, Jay Jay Okocha's Nigeria of 1998, and Roger Milla's Cameroon of 1990 to bust out an old-skool, out-of-Africa giant-killing performance. They have the cattle to give it a decent shot, but they've definitely been drawn in a horrible, horrible group. Should cancel hotel bookings after: their third-fourth playoff game against the Serbs on June 21.


SERBIA & MONTENEGRO
World ranking: 47
Coach: Ilija Petkovic
World Cup record: First appearance as Serbia and Montenegro; tenth appearance as Yugoslavia
Best finish: Semifinals (1930 and 1962, as Yugoslavia)
Last appearance: Second round (1998, as Yugoslavia)
World Cup odds: 66-1
How qualified: Won European Group 7

Yugo over there
As far as FIFA are concerned, for Serbia and Montenegro, read Yugoslavia; they see S&M as carrying forward the historical achievements of the Yugoslav national side, including a couple of semifinal appearances back in the days when everything was in black and white. Yugoserbia lost their best chance at glory with their golden generation of the early '90s (with dudes like Zvonnie Boban, Igor Stimac, Robert Jarni and Robert Prosinecki) through the rather poorly thought-out medium of a massive fuck-off civil war which got their national team chucked out of Euro 92 (their replacements, the Danes, somehow consipired to win the tournament) and USA94. By the time Euro 96 came around there was no nation for a national team to represent. The Yugoslav side which represented (y'all) in France 98 was Yugo in name alone; the Cro's had already flown, with the red-and-white-checked half of the Yugoslav golden generation managing to pick up third overall by beating the Dutch in the bronze playoff - the Oranjemen had already terminated Yugoserbia's run in the round of 16. Of those who played for that Yugoslavian side, Inter's Dejan Stankovic and former Villa (now Osasuna) striker Savo Milosevic are the only survivors. Ah. Given the area's recent history, perhaps that should have been phrased in a less emphatic manner…

The Adventures of Sinista Nihilovic
Included in aforesaid golden generation was the nicest man to every play international football, Sinisa Mihajlovic, a central midfielder and free-kick specialist par excellence. The only problem with Sinisa was that he was a complete fuckwit. On the field he was a spitting, cheating axe-merchant of a centre-back. Off it he was a racist, fascist arsehole; in fact, sometimes on it he was still a racist, fascist arsehole. He swore his allegiance to convicted war criminal (or would have been convicted war criminal if he hadn't topped himself) Slobbery Dan Milosevic, publically announcing his intention to quit football and enlist in the civil war to fight for the right to rape, torture and pillage his former next-door-neighbours. Ironically, he was born in Vukovar, in what is now Croatia. Charmingly, he called Patrick Vieira a nigger in a Champions League match against Arsenal, to which Paddy would and should have torn him a new arsehole had there not been an annoying little man with a whistle and a notebook in the vicinity. While at SS Lazio, home of the most racist and violent fan base in Serie A (makes you wonder what the SS stands for sometimes) he openly professed his deepest sympathies for the extreme-right-wing elements of Serb politics. Following the assassination of the Serb war criminal Arkan while leaving a nightclub in Belgrade, he called upon the Lazio 'nation' to honour this great man; a giant poster was held up as a “Tribute to the Tiger Arkan” and Mihajlovic was evidently touched. (Surprised he didn't go down clutching his ankle pleading for a penalty, in hindsight.)
In short, it is painfully bloody obvious to anyone who has seen Sinisa Mihajlovic play, or heard him open his mouth, that he is an obnoxious, arrogant, and aggressive man who needs a smack in the fucking chops. Thank fuck the nasty little shit has retired from international football and won't be stinking up the place come June. In fact, with Germany's legal provisions against fascism and Nazism, they probably wouldn't have let the bastard into the country.





















Old mate Sinisa in characteristic pose


Playing style
Solid, unspectacular, based around strong defensive organisation. Against average opposition they won't score a lot of goals, but won't concede many either. Unfortunately for them, their opposition at Germany 2006 is a whole lot better than average.

Least useless player
If Yugoserbia and Montecristo are to finish anywhere but last, Atletico Madrid striker Mateja Kezman, formerly of PSV Eindhoven and Chelsea (in their first title-winning season) will need to bang in a lot of goals in the Balkan goalpoaching stylings of Davor Suker (Croatia's Golden Boot winner from France 98). Kezman has gone off the boil since his highly productive PSV days - despite decent success at Chelsea in 2005/06 he was found out somewhat in the premiership and was moved on by the Blues in favour of bringing Crespo back from his loan spell at AC Milan. He needs to pull finger in order to prove his worth at the highest level; otherwise he'll just be another cocky not-quite merchant with interpretive hair. Come to think of it, Suker tanked in the Premiership as well.

Likely fate
If they were parked safely in Group D, they'd be candidates for a second round berth. In Group C, they'll probably finish last. Even though they topped their qualifying group ahead of Spain, they didn't actually manage to beat Spain, which illustrates their main weakness: structurally OK but lacking attacking punch. They won't beat Argentina or Holland, and probably won't score more goals against the Ivorians than Drogba et al will score against them. Should cancel hotel bookings after: see above under Ivoire, Cote d'.


NETHERLANDS
World ranking: 3
Coach: Marco van Basten
World Cup record: Eighth appearance
Best finish: Runner-up (1974, 1978)
Last appearance: Semifinals (1998)
World Cup odds: 11-1
How qualified: Won European Group 1


My eyes... the goggles do nothing!
Yes that's right folks, they're back. Don't worry about that strange burning sensation on the back of your retinas. It's only the Dutch national team, resplendent in their fluorescent orange safety jackets, looking like council road workers. Then again, that's hardly a fair comparison; compared to Arjen Robben, council road crews actually turn up and put in an honest day's work occasionally, instead of falling over randomly every time a stray gust of wind crosses the pitch. As observed above, Robben Kezman to pay Arjen was one of the changes wrought to the winning Chelsea squad, and in the brief moments when he's not on smoko, the Dutch winger has made a decent impact at Stamford Bridge. Usually on the grass inside the 18-yard box, but an impact nonetheless.

Ruud van Nistelrooy walks into a bar...
Ruud's long face is even longer than ever at present, with the clear and present danger that Manchester Untied manager Sir Alex Ferguson is planning to give him the arse very shortly. For much of the second half of the season, while Man U were racking up results in their ultimately futile pursuit of Chelsea, Ruud was ridin' the pine; in his place, the red-faced shouty one was even prepared to pick the likes of journeyman French striker Louis Saha. When Alex decides he don't like you and he don't want you no more, you don't play no more, as fellow Dutchie Jaaap Staaaam learned during his brief stay at Old Trafford some years ago.
















More topical comedy gold from Football365.com's T-shirt offshoot


Playing style
In the mid 1970s, Holland invented something called Total Football, which they used to get them to the final of consecutive world cups. Up to that point Partial Football had only been played and that wasn’t very good now was it. Total Football meant that everyone on the pitch should be able to play in any position on the pitch, emphasising fluidity, flexibility and balance. Suffice to say this revolutionised world football and the Dutch still play like this today. They are usually a very pretty team to watch, knock the ball around in neat triangles, and are very good at coming achingly close to winning major tournaments.

Least useless player
With a lot of youngsters in the squad, the role of Holland's experienced hands will be vital. Enter PSV's Phillip Cocu, owner of the pointiest nose in world football and veteran of every Dutch national team since the infamous self-destructing Euro 96 outfit, which ripped itself apart with training ground screaming matches and high-profile player walkouts before a ball had been kicked in anger (apart from during aforesaid training ground screaming matches). Cocu spent several productive years in Barcelona's midfield, so in footballing terms he can tell his arse from his elbow without needing an Anatomy textbook.

Likely fate
Should be promising, but as we've observed, the Dutch are perennial not-quite merchants. Since their Euro 96 squad imploded with disharmony (another Dutch tradition) they have either lost in the semi-final or failed to qualify for every big tournament since - semifinalists at France 98, losing semifinalists at Euro2000 (when a 10-man Italy defended 0-0 for two hours and beat the home side on penalties in front of the Oranjest crowd in history), failed to make it to KoreaJapan 2002, losing semifinalists at Euro2004. The only major tournament which has fallen the way of the Dutch was Euro 88, courtesy their late-80s golden generation (yes, everyone had one at one stage or another) which included guys like Ruud Gullit, Frank Rijkaard and current national coach Marco van Basten in some of the most ludicrous mullets and restrictive orange shorts ever seen in international football. That said, they've got a fairly charitable draw - the hardest part will probably be getting on top of the Argies in the first round. Should cancel hotel bookings after: see above under Argentina, just swap the names.


NOSTRILDRAMAS PREDICTS...

Match schedule (stolen from fifaworldcup.com):

Match	Date	Venue	Teams			Time
5	10-Jun-06	Hamburg		ARG:CIV		21:00
6	11-Jun-06	Leipzig		SCG:NED		15:00
21	16-Jun-06	Gelsenkirchen		ARG:SCG		15:00
22	16-Jun-06	Stuttgart		NED:CIV		18:00
37	21-Jun-06	Frankfurt		NED:ARG		21:00
38	21-Jun-06	Munich		CIV:SCG		21:00

Match of the round: Guess.

Who cares fixture: In truth there isn't one - even Ivory Coast vs the Serbs will matter in the grand scheme of things.

To the TAB and step on it buddy:
Argentina 3-1 Ivory Coast
S&M 0-2 Netherlands
Argentina 2-1 S&M
Netherlands 2-0 Ivory Coast
Netherlands 1-0 Argentina
Ivory Coast 3-3 S&M

Final result Dutch 1st, Argies 2nd. Both get relatively pleasant second round fixtures (Mexico and Portugal respectively) after which they get pitched into England and Germany's section of the draw where you'd have to like their chances. Both should make the semis, after which you can roll the dice like everyone else. Drog's dawgs to beat the S&M fetishists into 3rd in the group on goal difference.


NEXT TIME...
From a group with no 'Who Cares' fixture to one with nothing but - it's Group D, 'featuring' Mexico, Iran, Angola and Portugal. So make sure to load up on Red Bull and remember to bring your matchsticks - either to prop open your eyelids or to keep yourself occupied with random acts of arson.

See you then... if we haven't fallen asleep ourselves.