Which translates, roughly, to ‘a bunch of dudes who are shit at winning major football tournaments’. Enter the Spaniards.
Group H
Spain
Ukraine
Tunisia
Saudi Arabia
SPAIN World ranking: 6
Coach: Luis Aragones
World Cup record: 12th appearance
Best finish: Fourth place (1950)
Last appearance: Quarterfinals (2002)
World Cup odds: 14-1
How qualified: Beat Slovakia in European playoffs
Oddly enough there’s no direct equivalent in Spanish for ‘perennial underachiever’France’s win in the final of the 1998 World Cup saw the end of the long, dark night’s journey into day for the last great European superpower yet to win the World Championships of football… bar one. For while the traditional powers of France, Germany, Italy and England have all claimed football’s greatest prize, one nation’s team have spent the last eighty years trying, and failing, to make it. That team, and that nation, is Spain. And somewhat fittingly, while France were putting Brazil to the sword in the Stade de France in July 1998, Spain’s players were watching at home or down the pub, their tilt at glory having foundered in the first round after defeat at the hands of Nigeria. Like the Mexicans, with whom they share a language (Spanish, as it happens), Spain have managed to turn up for a hell of a lot of tournaments without actually achieving anything. Spain are the IT nerds at the office Christmas party - they turn up on time, full of hope and cheer, they hang around all night, but they’re about as likely to go home with the hottie receptionist as they are of moving out of their mum’s house before they’re 30. The only major trophy won by the Spanish at senior level is the 1964 European Championships, which they hosted, needing a full house of 125,000 at the Santiago Bernabeu in Madrid to cheer them home 2-1 against the Soviets. It’s not their kids’ fault. Spain’s youth sides have performed decently in recent years - winning Olympic gold in 1992 (again at home), and silver in Sydney 2000 (with the core of the squad which won the 1999 World Youth Championships). Something just gets lost in translation between the enthusiasm and vigour of the youth teams, and the tentativeness and fragility of their senior squad.
Drawn and quarteredThe solution for Spanish football is simple: lobby FIFA for the abolition of quarter-finals, as it appears Spain is allergic to them. Ignoring the aberration of their fourth-place finish in 1950 and making the final of Euro 84 (where in both cases they somehow made it past the final eight), Spain have made an international career out of regular, agonising failure at the quarter-final stage. Take the last 20 years as an example:
Mexico 86: quarterfinalists, lost to Belgium on penalties
Euro 88: first round
Italia 90: second round, lost to Yugoslavia in extra time
Euro 92: failed to qualify
USA 94: quarterfinalists, lost to Italy in the last few minutes
Euro 96: quarterfinalists, lost to England on penalties
France 98: first round
Euro 2000: quarterfinalists, lost to France
KoreaJapan 2002: quarterfinalists, lost to South Korea on penalties
Euro 2004: well, that’s a story in itself…
Spain were massively bigged up for Euro 2004 - being drawn in group A with hosts Portugal, Russia and Greece, the Spanish team were touted as heavy favorites for the 2004 crown by the European media, and were expected to qualify from their group easily, along with their Iberian neighbours. On June 12th, Spain defeated Russia, 1-0. So far so good, particularly with group rivals Portugal somehow managing to lose to Greece. Four days later Spain faced Greece. Determined to win and take charge of the group, Spain led the match confidently until just after the hour mark when Greece nicked an equalizer and held onto 1-1 for the duration. In their last game against Portugal in Lisbon, Spain needed to win to guarantee qualification for the quarterfinals, unless Greece slipped up against Russia in their simultaneous game further south in Faro. At half-time Spain were safe - Greece had indeed slipped up and were losing 2-1, while they were holding the Portuguese to a draw. However a goal from Nuno Gomes wiped out Spain's hopes of advancing. Greece were defeated 2-1 by Russia but moved ahead to claim second place on goal difference. As a result Spain were eliminated from Euro 2004… and Greece, the 100-1 shots at the start of the tournament, went on to win the whole damn thing, beating Portugal again for good measure in the final.
That tells you all there is to know about Spanish football. Mercurial talent, fantastic reputation, catastrophic fragility when the pressure mounts.
The only man alive capable of out-choking the Spanish football team in international competition
Of great importI have a theory. No, a proper one this time, not just that if we get rid of quarterfinals and just draw lots or play Rock-Scissors-Paper, Spain just might make a semi one day. And really it’s not my theory, I just heard someone else say it once and am appropriating it to make myself sound intelligent. That aside, it’s this:
In footballing terms, exporters do better than importers.
The biggest, brightest, richest, shiniest club leagues in world football are pretty easy to identify: the English Premier League, Serie A in Italy, and La Liga in Spain. The subtle differences between them or the order in which you personally rank them doesn’t matter - suffice to say that the best players play there, the best football is played there, and most winners of the major European tournaments (the UEFA Cup and the Champions League) come from there. So that would make England, Italy and Spain, as home of the biggest, best and most lucrative club competitions in Europe, shoe-ins for having awesome national teams who are massively successful at international level. Surely?
Well, let’s do the maths. One World Cup for England - forty years ago. Three World Cups and a Euro for Italy - none more recent than 1982. And fuck-all for Spain. So in the last 20 years, that’s a grand total of NO major silverware for the ‘big league’ nations - the importers of talent.
Now let’s look at the teams with weaker leagues, the exporters of talent to the big three. The French, the Brazilians, the Argentinians, the Dutch. How many major trophies do you think they’ve won in the last 20 years?
OK, maybe not the Dutch. But I think you can see where this is going.
As an explanation, the case is always made in defence of the ‘importers’ that their talent pool is disadvantaged by the levels of cheaper foreign labour which are picked up by the big English, Spanish and Italian clubs in preference to home-grown produce. However it’s not that simple. If that were the case, good quality English, Spanish or Italian players would have to move elsewhere to get a run. But the thing you notice about the squad lists is that almost all the England squad plays in England, all of the Italian squad plays in Italy, and apart from a handful of guys who turn out for the Puddle or the Arse in England, the entire Spanish squad plays in Spain.
To the unpleasant truth: It’s not that these nations are failing because their best local talent is being outcompeted and repressed by dirty foreign muck coming here and taking their jobs. It’s that, their local talents, like the nerds living in their parents’ basement, don’t ever leave home and hence don’t ever experience enough variance in their football diet to become properly rounded players.
Playing styleSpanish coach Luis Aragones, who took over from the much-slagged-off Inaki Saez after the Euro 2004 debacle, wasted little time in overhauling the squad and implementing his plans for international success. Aragones likes to play 4-3-3 with the emphasis on controlling possession in midfield. This is reflected in his squad selection; Aragones has opted for creative midfield playmakers over traditional forwards to the extent that his final squad contains only three out-and-out goalscorers, with experienced frontman Fernando Morientes of the Puddle failing to make the cut. At press time he was still fiddling about with personnel to fit into his formation of choice, trying to figure out which combination of attacking- and defence-minded midfielders would best complement each other (out of David Albelda, Xavi, Luis Garcia, Andreas Iniesta, Xabi Alonso, Joaquin, Cesc Fabregas, and Senna - yes folks, Senna is back! Who says a suspension wishbone through the bonce is a career-threatening injury). The Spanish side still looks a work in progress as of last night’s 2-1 friendly win over the Croatians; he even went against his own convictions and tried using 4-4-2 for a while. As for their tournament draw, Aragones was content: “In principle, we're pleased with the way the draw has turned out, although I would have preferred Group B to save on travelling.” Diddums.
Least useless playerRaul Gonzalez Blanco is the captain and superhero of Spanish football. A one-team man since his debut for Real Madrid as a 17-year old (their youngest ever debutant), Raul is Spain’s leading scorer of all time and the third highest in Real Madrid’s long history. Ironically, Raul came up through the youth system at crosstown rivals Atletico Madrid, but was deprived of a path to senior playing status when despotic Atletico presidente (He Thinks He’s) Jesus Gil canned the club’s youth programme in order to save a few pesos. 400 games, 180 goals, four Spanish league titles and three Champions League titles later, you’d say it looks to be a fairly poor investment on Jesus’ part. Like Korea’s Ahn, Raul’s a bit of a ring-kisser (anything to help you get ahead in this game) when it comes to post-goal celebrations.
However, there’s one small problem: he’s woefully out of form, and has been for a couple of years now. After recovering from a serious injury picked up last November, the Real Madrid man has yet to recover his goalscoring instinct and has been putting in more than the odd game riding the pine, Alex del Piero style. As captain he’s also been copping it over Real Madrid’s last couple of seasons of total shite, where they’d have struggled to win the meat tray at their local bowling club, as well as Spain’s perennial rubbishness at international level. Despite his run of poor form his impact on the European game can be measured by quotes such as the following from der Kaiser, Franz Beckenbauer, comparing Raul to Bayern Munich stalwart Lothar Matthaus: "Raul is one of the best of Europe. He is Real Madrid's spirit. He is like Matthaus for us: indispensable, and with a bad haircut."
Likely fateSo here we ask, when should Spain cancel their hotel bookings? The glib, smartarse answer would be ‘the quarterfinals’. However, moving beyond superficial answers, let’s look carefully at their form and potential in order to unearth a more analytically determined response.
Spain have a vast store of World Cup finals experience under their belts, this being their seventh consecutive appearance at world football’s showcase event and their eleventh in all. Their entire squad are excellent footballers, technically gifted and well-accustomed to playing at the highest level for their Spanish or English teams, and winning major trophies. Overnight they stretched their unbeaten run in international competition to 22 games, which is seriously impressive.
However as we’ve seen, they bombed out at Euro 2004 and despite their unbeaten record struggled in qualifying for Germany. After labouring to second spot in Group 7, Spain only booked their place in the finals after seeing off Slovakia in the play-offs, Aragones’s men finally troubling the scorers on a regular basis in racking up a comprehensive 5-1 win in Madrid before playing out a 1-1 draw in Bratislava. More recently, they beat African champions Egypt 2-0 in a recent friendly, though not without more tinkering from Aragones; and they scored all three goals in their overnight win over Croatia; unfortunately one of those was for Croatia, and they needed an injury-time winner from Atletico Madrid starlet Fernando Torres to get away with the result. Mixed results, in fairness.
Their draw is fairly charitable, certainly in the short term. They should be able to see off the Ukrainian challenge and top the group, after which they will probably meet Switzerland in the Round of 16, who likewise shouldn’t pose them any real trouble. Then onto the quarterfinals, where they will meet… Brazil.
Should cancel hotel bookings after: the quarterfinals.
Go with the glib, smartarse answer every time, it’s usually right.
UKRAINEWorld ranking: 40
Coach: Oleh Blokhin
World Cup record: First appearance
World Cup odds: 50-1
How qualified: Won European Group 2
Ukraine and Spain fly mainly on a plane
Though Germany 2006 marks the first international tournament which Ukraine have qualified for, this is by no means the first time these two nations have met at a major tournament. In winning their only recognisable bit of silverware in Euro 64, the Spaniards had to overcome a USSR team which was largely composed of Ukrainian players, many of which plied their trade for the most famous club in the land, Dynamo Kiev. This was the case right through to the fall of the Soviet Union in the early 90s; Ukraine played their first match as a stand-alone entity against Hungary in 1992, and started trying to qualify for international tournaments in 1994. However, success didn’t flow immediately. Some of the best Ukrainian players of the early 90s (including Viktor Onopko, Oleg Salenko and Man U’s Andrei Kanchelskis) chose to play for Russia as it was the official ‘successor’ to the Soviet team which they’d played for in the 80s. Once the hangovers of the Soviet years were receding, they ran into other problems. Like the Spanish allergy to quarter-finals, the Ukrainians couldn’t get their heads around sudden-death qualification playoffs.
France 98 qualification: Played off against Croatia. Lost. Croatia go on to finish 3rd.
Euro 2000 qualification: Played off against Slovenia. Lost. Slovenia go on to finish nowhere, as you’d expect.
KoreaJapan 2002 qualification: Played off against Germany. Lost. Germany go on to finish runners up.
And so on, except that in Euro 2004 qualifying they were grouped with the Spanish, losing 1-2 away and drawing 2-2 at home as part of a series of results that weren’t good enough even to get them to a playoff so they could lose on their own terms. Following this, Ukraine appointed crusty old bugger Oleg Blokhin as the national team's head coach. This would eventually prove to be a good move, as Ukraine went on to qualify for their first-ever FIFA World Cup by topping a tough qualifying Group 2 ahead of the likes of Turkey, Denmark and newly crowned European champions Greece. In tying up first place in Group 2 by early September, they became the first European team to automatically qualify for Germany. See what happens when you don’t have to go through a playoff?
Playing style“Oleg Blokhin has kept faith in the solid unit that performed so well in the qualifiers. Uncompromising at the back, the Ukrainians are blessed with a rapier-sharp forward line where star striker Andriy Shevchenko is the king of all he surveys.”
FIFAWorldCup.com are hyperbole-obsessed wankers, but they’re right. They’ll keep it tight and rely on Sheva, who moves from AC Milan to Chelsea in the summer, to bang in the goals, as he did so well for them in qualifying.
Least useless playerHelen Demidenko.
Nah, it’s Sheva, then daylight, then Andrei Vorodin (the only other squad member currently plying his trade in Europe, for Bayer Leverkusen), then a bit more daylight, then the others, all of whom play for Russian or Ukrainian clubs. As mentioned, Sheva has accepted a silly-money deal to move to Roman’s empire at Stamford Bridge, along with German skipper the Dog’s Ballacks - quite what Chelsea are going to do with a squad full of midfielders, only the Special One could tell you. ‘Spesh’ and Sheva’s former coach at AC Milan, Carlo Ancelotti, both reckon Shevchenko is the finest striker in Europe, and Oleg Blokhin agrees. “Andriy is our locomotive,” said the national coach, unsurprisingly busting out the mechanical metaphors. “We don't have players of the calibre of Kaka, Cafu and (Paolo) Maldini to play alongside him, but he carries the team.” For his part Shevchenko has long made it clear that all his many accolades at club level would not make up should he fail to help his country excel on the world stage. “I dream of success with Ukraine,” the patriotic player has said. “If it doesn't come, my career will be missing something.”
Just quietly, Sheva - your career is going to be missing something.
Sheva putting his stamp on the tournament
As mentioned, Dynamo Kiev players past and present have long made up the bulk of Soviet and Ukraine sides, and the 2006 vintage is no different. The current generation of Ukraine stars has its roots in Dynamo’s giant-killing exploits in Europe in the late 90s, when the club reached the semifinals of UEFA Champions League with the likes of Sheva, Vorodin and Sergey Rebrov (briefly of Spurs and West Ham). Like Sheva, Blokhin himself was a Dynamo sharpshooter of note, and the only other Ukrainian to win European Footballer of the Year after his goals helped lift the club to the 1975 UEFA Supercup.
Likely fateThese boys aren’t really serious contenders for the title, but powered by Sheva's goals, they could upset a team or two at its first World Cup. Their good form in qualifying has carried over into pre-tournament friendlies, with a goalless draw against Italy bookended by floggings doled out to the likes of Costa Rica and Libya. However the lack of depth in Ukrainian football has been shown up by injury scares to Sheva and fellow striker Sergey Fyodorov - both should be OK for the opener against Spain, but Blokhin reckons he still doesn’t have a world-class right-sided fullback at his disposal after three years in the job. The Spain game will characterise their tournament - if they can pinch a result there, they could be on for anything. Most likely however they will finish second in Group H and go out to France in the second round. Should cancel hotel bookings after: then.
TUNISIAWorld ranking: 28
Coach: Roger Lemerre
World Cup record: Fourth appearance
Best finish: First round (every time)
Last appearance: First round (2002)
World Cup odds: 300-1
How qualified: Won African Group 5
1978: a good vintage, if one does say so oneselfTunisia made history at Argentina 78 when they beat Mexico 3-1 to become the first African team to win a FIFA World Cup match. Just the 28 years later (the entire lifetime of your humble correspondent), the Carthage Eagles are still looking for their second victory. Germany will be their fourth finals and their third consecutively, having previously made it to the big show in 1978, 1998 and 2002. From their nine tournament games to date, the Carthage Eagles have one win, five defeats and three draws, including keeping the West Germans goalless in 1978. Suffice to say they’re yet to emulate their impressive debut. Taking 20 years to qualify for their second stab probably didn’t help.
Absolutely anonymous at their last two World Cup appearances, about the only memorable event in Tunisian football for Antipodean observers was the 3-0 touchup some may vaguely recall us giving them in a friendly match early in El Tel’s reign in 1997… and their returning the favour at the Confed Cup last year, which ended Frank Farina’s reign. They have made good progress in recent years, winning the 2004 African Nations Cup on home soil with Euro 2000-winning France coach Roger Lemerre in charge. More recently Tunisia have beaten Belarus 3-0 and drawn 0-0 with Uruguay in World Cup build-up games but preparations were disrupted when first Kuwait and then Iraq pulled out of their final scheduled friendly, due to be played last night. Stop selecting opponents on the basis of how badly Dubya wants their oil, people... In fact Tunisia had to really scratch for an opponent - not even the NZ All Whites were keen to play them after their recent string of four internationals inside two weeks (their 4-0 reaming from the Selecao probably didn’t encourage further talk of international friendlies). Lemerre's side ended up playing a mongrel outfit of German lower-league players and scored an impressive, if utterly pointless, victory.
History lessenedTunis, the capital of Tunisia (I’m waiting for the day Canberra gets renamed Austral) was the seat of the Carthaginian empire, a nation of ace shitstirrers and kickarse sailors who gave the Romans and the Greeks some serious stick in the hundreds BC. Mad props to Hannibal and his elephants, the navy, the whole deal. When the Romans finally defeated them and sacked the capital, they razed the city and ploughed salt into the fields. They’ve been fairly weak in international football ever since.
Carthage Eagles, champions of Europe back in the dayPlaying styleLemerre, assistant to Aime Jacquet at France 98 and driving the bus at Euro 2000, was vilified for France’s early exit in KoreaJapan, hence his new nickname ‘Lemerde’. In taking on the Tunisia post he extolled the virtues of the European game and set about imposing his idea of tactical discipline on his new outfit. With the majority of his squad based in Europe, it wasn’t a massive drama to do so, and with everyone singing from the same songsheet the Tunisians scored a convincing African Nations Cup success in 2004. "We have one big goal which is to reach the second round," Lemerre has pronounced. "It would be a dream for Tunisia to reach the last 16." Yes, Roger, it would be a dream. Do you want to tell him he's dreamin' or should I?
Least useless playerTunisia’s better players are sprinkled throughout the top Euro leagues, including a couple in the Premiership and half a dozen in the French Ligue 1; the rest mainly play at home or in Turkey, where they can guarantee being able to lay hands on a decent kebab. They’ve improved their squad in recent years with imports Silva dos Santos and Jose Clayton, both of whom are about as Tunisian as I am. Santos made an explosive impact with Sochaux in Ligue 1 two years ago, but has subsequently endured a mediocre season with his current club Toulouse. His scoring touch has not deserted him at international level, however - Santos struck four goals in as many games at the recent African Cup of Nations. His fellow Brazilian… sorry, Tunisian, Jose Clayton, and Karim Saidi (born in Tunisia to Tunisian parents, what a fuckin’ novelty) will offer what support they can.
Likely fateThey’re in decent form having taken top spot in Group 5 of the African Zone, notching six wins and three draws during the campaign, tasting defeat on just one occasion, and netting a useful 25 goals in the process. However they’re not going to beat Spain or the Ukraine, unless either or both have communal brain explosions. Will end up duelling the Saudis for the wooden spoon, which is presumably why they were so keen to play other mid-east oil merchants. Should cancel hotel bookings after: first round.
SAUDI ARABIAWorld ranking: 32
Coach: Gabriel Calderon… no, it’s now Marcos Paqueta
World Cup record: Fourth appearance
Best finish: Second round (1994)
Last appearance: First round (2002)
World Cup odds: 500-1
How qualified: Won Asian Group A
They’re not over Laden with talent……And they’re not big on capability retention either. The Saudis, despite having more money than God, aren’t too big on paying coaches who don’t deliver results. Like, NOW. You may remember they gave Carlos Alberto Parreira, then-reigning World Cup winning coach, the arse after only two games at France 98. In hindsight it’s surprising the guy who was managing them at KoreaJapan hung on beyond the opening game when they were annihilated eight-blot by the Germans, with Miroslav ‘Body of an onion’ Klose bagging four.
The odd thing about the Sons of the Desert is that they absolutely cane it at confederation level. They’re perennial qualifiers out of Asia - they’re making their fourth consecutive World Cup finals appearance since their decent debut at USA 94, where where they defeated Morocco and Belgium before falling to the Swedes in the round of 16. They were three-time Asian Cup champions through the ‘80s and ‘90s, and even won the World Youth Championship in 1989. They had absolutely no trouble making it to Germany, undefeated in their 12 games (including 10 wins) and leaving 2002 semifinalists South Korea in their dust. Of course, they repaid this success by firing manager Gabriel Calderon and replacing him with youth coach, Brazilian Marcos Paqueta.
If you’ve ever wondered what happened to Colonel Sanders, check this guy out.
You never can tell, it’s Just For Men gel.Playing styleLimited. Well-trained, and well-organised, but lacking the final couple of percent of creativity and technical ability to really shine against quality opposition. Paqueta, who is very highly thought of in his native Brazil after leading their youth teams to under-17 and under-20 world titles (in the same year, mind you), will do his best, but it’s hard to see what he’ll be able to conjure out of them that Parreira couldn’t.
Handy fact: Along with Italy, Saudi Arabia are the only country to submit a squad list entirely comprised of players contracted to clubs in their own country. Insular motherfuckers.
Saudi Arabia’s most sought-after ex-pat, pictured with his agent.
The whereabouts of the rest of ZZ Top are not known at time of press.
Least useless playerSami Al Jaber, the Saudi Arabia skipper with 43 international goals in 160 games to his name, is approaching his fourth consecutive FIFA World Cup and is still remembered for scoring the goal that secured the oilmen their first-ever victory at USA 94. In France four years later, he became the first Asian player in history to score in consecutive World Cup finals and, five months later, took the pioneering step of moving to England for a short stint with Wolverhampton Wanderers. In 2002, Al Jaber arrived in KoreaJapan struggling to shake off a catalogue of minor, niggling injuries and, after failing to make an impact in a disastrous campaign for the Saudis, chucked in his international career, only to return to the fold early in 2005 in response to pleas from then coach Gabriel Calderon. As a payoff, Al Jaber scored the captaincy, while Calderon’s payoff was three goals from Al Jaber, plus whatever his redundancy deal involved.
Likely fatePut it this way. If these guys are the class of the field in the Asian Football Confederation, start rubbing your hands together for Aussie success come the 2007 Asian Cup. Proving that money can buy everything but ability, the Saudis will again achieve two fifths of fuck all, and Paqueta will be signing on at Centrelink by August. Should cancel hotel bookings after: don’t have to as they already own the fucking hotel.
NOSTRILDRAMAS PREDICTS...Match schedule (stolen from
FIFAWorldCup.com, but who's counting, this is the Internet after all):
Match of the round: Spain-Ukraine next Wednesday afternoon.
Who Cares fixture: The Tunas vs the Oilers, later that same day.
Take this down the TAB with as much as the Great Satan's money as you can muster:Spain 2-2 Ukraine
Tunisia 3-1 Saudi Arabia
Spain 2-0 Tunisia
Saudi Arabia 0-3 Ukraine
Saudi Arabia 1-5 Spain
Ukraine 1-1 Tunisia
Spain qualify as group winners for the knockout stage, dealing with Switzerland and in turn being dealt to by Brazil. They put up a fearsome fight, pushing the Selecao to extra time, but yet again, go home after the quarters.
Ukraine show well in the group stage with Sheva bagging a few, but run into a useful France in the second round. They won't lose by much, but they will lose.
NEXT WEAK...That's all for our World Cup preview, as we appear to have run out of teams and/or groups. We'll be back throughout the tournament slagging things off randomly as we see fit. Enjoy the big show folks - the more you put into it, the more you get out. Just keep telling yourself that as you haul your sorry arse out of bed at a quarter to sparrow's in order to blearily watch the Aussies go round. And if your significant other complains of becoming a World Cup widow(er), simply tell them you're just practising for early parenthood by spending an entire month without uninterrupted sleep - you'll score serious brownie points as well as being able to see any game you like.
Catch you later. The Doctor is OUT.
Mystic Meg
Dr Yobbo
Guest analyst: The Stig, test pilot and alternative life form, Top Gear
Guest analyst: Luciano Moggi, former chairman of Juventus FC and referee standards consultant to the Italian FA
Guest analyst: Wayne Rooney, fat hobbling red-faced Scouser
Guest analyst: God, deity to the stars (other than the Scientologists, Madonna and Richard Gere)
