Welcome back, Australia. It's good to see you again.
Others with more better use of words and stuff have already summated Howard's 'legacy', the reasons why he was hung onto for so long, and the reasons why he's finally been turfed out on his arse - in the SMH Paul Keating has written a blistering eulogy of his former rival - the title, 'Divisive leader who squandered Australia's hopes', should give you a fair indication of the tone of the piece: I come to bury Caesar... preferably under as much shit as the dumptruck can carry. It is bitter, twisted, acerbic and pointed. It is classic PJK. And it is absolutely, unutterably, point-by-point correct. As is legendary Australian playwright David Williamson, who offered the following to the Fairfax people:
The conservative commentator Andrew Bolt, who I rarely agree with, put his finger on why so many of us were hoping for an end to the Howard era. The Coalition over its years of rule has progressively abandoned any moral dimension in its quest to retain power. We saw racist dog whistling on every possible occasion, brutal treatment of genuine refugees, studied blindness over the Saddam bribes, shameless pork barrelling in Coalition electorates, obsequious deference to George Bush, and in what proved to be one ideological bridge too far, Howard indulging his lifelong hatred of unions by blatantly tipping the power balance towards employers, then calling it, in true Orwellian fashion, Work Choices. In fact, for many low-paid employees it was almost the total removal of choice.
However, as Williamson went on to point out, the night resulted in a triumphant rewriting of Don's Party, his seminal Australian play (and later film) based on the 1969 election in which another long-standing, long-stagnant conservative government were in power, and perhaps on the brink of defeat by the ALP. This time around Tintin and the exterminators delivered the long-awaited smackdown, as much on social and moral issues as economic, bringing a deserved demise to the government and the man who presided over nearly twelve years of some of the most cover-your-eyes-horrendous incidents in the long history of the nation of my birth. The rise (and mercifully, the fall) of Pauline Hanson. The fabricated fairy-stories of boat people throwing children (mainly their own) overboard. The sight of armed Australian defence force personnel marching into Australian townships to detain and subjugate Australian citizens in their homes (sorry, forgot to mention they were boongs, so who gives a shit?) The footage of migrants and bogans fighting pitched beachfront street battles in Cronulla and Maroubra, turning Sydney's southern beaches into Gaza-by-the-sea. And, more heinous than any of the above, the hideous, retina-scarring vision of Peter Costello doing the Macarena on Midday With Kerri-Anne Kennerley.
If I were Tintin, I'd send the lot of the cunts to the war crimes tribunal in the Hague, and hope the hanging judge was in session.
Election night: special
Election night coverage usually raises more questions than it answers, such as 'What do the ABC do with Antony Green between elections?' Presumably keep him in some sort of hermetically-sealed stasis pod, to be cracked open every three to four years for the distinctly odd-looking electoral geek to pour forth earnest randomness that even rugby's Gordon 'Insert Random Player Fact Here' Bray would be proud of. A further question without notice: who does Antony Green actually vote for? Well, judging by the precedent of the rest of the ABC, if he's not voting Labor, he's probably running for office for them. Mad Max McKew obliterated the Rodent in Bennelong, astonishingly dull ABC News weatherman Mike Bailey had a goodly go at dislodging the odious Joe Hockey in North Sydney, and next election the ALP are sending Kerry O'Brien and his green pen off to run against Tony Abbott, Andrew Denton is measuring enough rope for a lynchin' of Malcolm Turnbull in Wentworth, and B1 and B2 are on a joint ticket to fuck with Brendan Nelson's shit. FACT.
The Ministry of Silly Heads
Your correspondent spent several years living in the inner-south Sydney electorate of Kingsford-Smith, whose sitting member is now former Oils frontman and professional slaphead Peter Garrett. Despite the man's self-evident, hard-earned environmental and political chops, the concept of Garrett being one's local member still baffles and amuses - possibly because he looks like an enormous member as it is, but probably because the defining image of Garrett is him having the piss taken out of him ferociously in the D-Generation's Five In A Row video. Garrett is short odds to be the country's next Minister for the Environment, largely because although Garrett has the runs on the board, there unfortunately is no Ministry of Dancing Convulsively As Though Your Dodger Has Been Plugged Into The Mains.
Other electorates in which your correspondent has previously taken an interest include:
- Inner-western Sydney's Grayndler, home of Me Nan, stayed in the hands of Anthony Albanese, being a monumentally safe Labour electorate entirely composed of migrants, Abos, working class unionist types and various other life forms entirely foreign to John Winston Howard's affluent 1950s North Shore background, hence his concerted attempt to destroy them all.
- In Page, cantankerous old cane-farming prick Ian Causley finally fucked off out of politics, leaving former Mayor McCheese of Maclean Chris Gulaptis to hold up the National Party end. He failed spectacularly, and there was much rejoicing. Unfortunately for your correspondent's olds, due to some inconceivably stupid electoral redistribution, rather than staying in Page where any sensible person would have it, the Broom has ended up as the northernmost point of Cowper, an electorate which runs along a narrow coastal strip for a couple of hundred kays all the way south to Kempsey, meaning their local electorate politics are dominated by fucktards from Coffs Harbour moaning about whether the Wallabies are coming back or about the Big Banana being afflicted by Panama fungal blight, or whatever load of bollocks Coffs people are interested in. They appear to have re-elected a National goon called Lick Arsesucker or something, so their interests clearly include self-punishment (if not rimming).
- Speaking of self-flagellation, the Opus Dei operative who destroyed former NSW Liberal leader John Brogden's career (and in the process caused a desperate Brogden to place himself within about half a Panadeine Forte from the end of his own existence), former Young Liberals president and far-right stooge Alex Hawke, is now the Liberal MP for the blue-ribbon North Shore seat of Mitchell. We sincerely wish him cancer of the bollocks.
- St Lucia is still affluent-cunt territory, judging by the Libs retaining Ryan for the umpteenth fucking time. If only the students could be arsed re-enrolling at their uni address. And if only they weren't all snotty little rich brats from the leafy 'burbs or militant Young Nats from the sticks. Still, it gets them out of home so the entire top half of the state can vote Labor in their absence - apart from the yeehaas of central-western Qld who still persist in re-electing Bob Katter.
- Speaking of Young Nats, our favourite Young Nat will likely be fairly unamused with the prospect of loose-cannon independent Tony Windsor again keeping New England out of his former party's hands. Then again, that's Dawso's problem to deal with, not ours...
All that, and the World of Bollocks wasn't even enrolled to vote. Cheers for sorting your shit out in our absence, Australia. Even if it took most of my adult life. Embarrassing personal revelation time: along with the moment Australia finally qualified for the Real Actual Proper World Cup around this time two years ago, I would have to admit to being more proud of my nation and of my nationality today then at any point in the last dozen years, if not in my entire living memory.
Then again I could just be talking bollocks because Lucas said 'Dad' for the first time the other morning. Actually he said 'Dahd', indicating his Keanu Reeves impersonation skills are coming along well already.
'Dahd' is OUT.
