Group F
Brazil
Croatia
Australia
Japan
BRAZIL World ranking: 1
Coach: Carlos Alberto Parreira
World Cup record: 18th appearance
Best finish: Champion (1958, 1962, 1970, 1994, 2002)
Last appearance: Champion (2002)
World Cup odds: 11-4
How qualified: First in South American qualifying
Brazilian Whacks: entire planet cops a hiding from Samba Kings of football, the greatest team ever assembled, barely even need to turn up to win, etc
Or at least that's the story being furiously pedalled by the world's media, who've already crowned Brazil as winners of the 18th World Championships of football. To state the bleeding obvious, Brazil's reputation precedes them. They've qualified for every one of the 18 World Cups played, including next month's; their five world titles is likewise a world record title in itself, and they are the reigning champions. There's nothing logical or feasible you can say as a coherent argument against Brazil's outright favouritism, such is their form and reputation.
But as it's more fun to hang shit on them than blowing yet more smoke up their collective arse, we'll stick to slagging off the overrated, showboating, diving bastards.
Ten reasons why Brazil won't win the World Cup:
1. Parreira has no bottle.
Carlos Alberto Parreira coached their ’94 side to victory in the US, but in subsequent years any time his name was mentioned in the same sentence as the statement 'should be in charge of Brazil again', he'd run for the hills. He repeatedly turned down offers to coach Brazil again after the capitulation to France in the 1998 World Cup Final, even though his glamourous assignment at France 98 - coaching Saudi Arabia. that renown powerhouse (or at least something that ends in 'house') of Asian football - didn't even last through the end of the group stage, when he was fired after the first two matches. Likewise at the end of 2000, when qualifying for KoreaJapan was going down the Brasco at a rate of knots and the team was in turmoil after firing the wonderfully named but sadly incompetent Vanderlei Luxemburgo (who more recently at Real Madrid proved he was as crap at managing a to club side as he was with a top national one), Parreira was offered the job but refused flat-out; ditto again in July 2001 when Big Phil Scolari's side lost to both Mexico and Honduras in the Copa America. On each occasion he maintained that he did not want to relive the stress and pressure of trying to lead Brazil to another World Cup win. Oh, anything but the stress and pressure of trying to lead Brazil to another World Cup win...
Diddums. The man lacks trouser. Your mum could lead Brazil to a World Cup win, even if old mate Wandering Luxembourgeois couldn't. Given a team with that amount of raw talent, anyone could lead them to glory. A shining example from another code: the unofficial world champion Wallabies of the early-to-mid 1980s, who won the Bledisloe and the Grand Slam back when both actually meant something. Their coach: talkback radio fuckwit, Alan Jones.
2. Ronaldo is fat, ignorant, and would struggle to hit a cow's arse with a banjo.
The World Cup winner from 2002 has been copping it all season from fans and media alike, as his waistline increases in inverse proportion to his form. "It doesn't bother me in the slightest," said Ronaldo. "I think it's all down to a lack of knowledge. After all, what is fat?" he mused philosophically. Either that or he thought he was playing Jeopardy, and the category was "Past-their-best Brazilian strikers who can't get a game for Real Madrid". Ronaldo, 29, has not played a competitive game since early April, when he limped out of Real Madrid's 1-1 draw with Real Sociedad with a thigh strain, sustained while sprinting during one of his 'training drills'. Those Mr Whippy vans move bloody quick these days.
No caption necessary
As well has being positively identified by many opposition fans as the one who ate all the pies, Ronaldo has also unwisely attempted to take on the Australians at their national sport: sledging. The chubby genius has attempted to intimidate the Socceroos before their World Cup match by claiming that he had never heard of Kewell or Viduka, despite having twice played against them. Given that Ronaldo has played one decent game of football since his panic attack on the morning of the 1998 World Cup final (that one game, you may have guessed, was the 2002 World Cup final), this may explain Big Ron's pog-ordinary form over the past few years; it's hard to hit the target with your head up your arse.
3. Roberto bloody Carlos couldn't defend his way out of a wet sack of shite.
While their centre-halves are decent, both their first choice fullbacks, Cafu and Roberto Carlos, are old, slow and not much chop at defending. On paper at least, Cafu will captain Brazil in Germany, but given that he can't get a game for AC Milan any more, he'll struggle. For his part, Roberto Carlos, Real Madrid's perennial free kick fluke-artist (the primary reason for his selection for club and country) has as much in common with a quality defender as he does with Big Dog. Actually, that's not quite accurate; given his advancing years, both he and Big Dog go to bed at 7.30.
4. Massive egos equal massive ego clashes.
Particularly in training, where chaotic team selections will inevitably fuel player unrest, for one simple reason: the entire squad of strikers have the same fucking name. Known universe, please meet Ronaldo, Ronaldinho, Rubinho and Ricardinho. Cue four blokes rushing for the ball everytime someone yells 'He's open! Hit it long to... um... which one of the bastards is that one up front?' Likewise, when Parreira announces the team, you wouldn't want to have tinnitus or swimmers ear. Rubindinho? Ricardaldo? Fuck it, let's play the four of them and be done with it.
Peruse the Brazilian strike force and you'll come across another problem. Along the lines of the old Sesame Street conundrum: four of these things belong together, four of these things are kinda the same... In the World Cup squad for Germany, we have Ronaldo, Ronaldinho, Rubinho, Ricardinho and… um… Fred. Fred plays for Lyon under Gerard Houillier, and is pretty good. Even if he's called Fred. Not Freddo, not Freddinho, not even Frederico Cesar Manuel Barista Profundo Shitbox... but Fred. As such, I don't hold out much hope for him. Nor for one of his Lyon club teammates who also made the squad. His name: Cris.
5. Same shit, different tournament.
We've heard all this bullshit before about Brazil being morals to win the cup. Like for 24 years through the 70s, 80s and early 90s when Brazil was 'comfortably the best side in the world' but couldn't manage to win so much as a chook raffle at their local RSL. At the World Cup, favourites are guaranteed of nothing. At the last World Cup, Argentina, France and Portugal were backed into massive favouritism. None so much as made the second round.
6. Their opposition ain't buying that 'Samba Kings Of Football' bollocks.
Hey, this bit's vaguely factual: all three of the teams which Brazil have been drawn against, have decent form against them. As recently as this year, Croatia played them in a friendly and looked fairly serviceable in a handy one-all draw. Japan played them at the 2005 Confederations Cup, and the Brazilians were lucky to escape with 2-2. In Australia's most recent games against Brazil, the Socceroos scored a one-nil win at the 2001 Confed Cup in Japan and a couple of draws when the Selecao toured down under. Friendlies and Confed Cup games might count for bugger-all in the grand scheme of things, but know this: Brazil's opposition won't fear them.
7. They're crap in Europe.
Also actually factual: neither Brazil nor any other South American team has ever won the World Cup on the Continent. Brazil's inept collapse against France in the '98 final, triggered by Ronaldo's mini-nervous breakdown 30 minutes before kickoff, was the closest they've come - when despite being curled up in the foetal position on the carpet, rocking from side to side and choking on his tongue, Rio's favourite chubster was apparently ordered onto his feet and onto the field by team sponsor Nike, in line with their traditional employment policies on sweatshop labour from third-world countries.
8. Ronaldinho is a horse-faced gimp with stupid hair.
That's got to count against you somehow, surely.
9. Things are going well. A little TOO well.
The seamless success of Brazil's qualifying, and their trouble-free preparation for the tournament proper, is of significant concern back home in Brazil. The last three times Brazil won the cup, they had seriously traumatic lead-ins; for instance, heading into KoreaJapan 2002, they'd lost the Copa America, were beaten into a humiliating fourth place at the Confederations Cup (by us), and likewise only managed to finish fourth in the South American qualifying tournament; one place lower and they'd have had to front up for a playoff vs the Oceania champions (again, us.) Yet once they were at the World Cup, they barely looked troubled. This time around they're reigning champions, won South American qualifying, and everything in and around their Swiss training base is proceeding along serenely and swimmingly. Put simply, they're fucked.
10. How can your country be any good at anything at all, when all you really are is the punchline of a joke about Dubya being as stupid as a room full of Queenslanders?
And I'm sure there's a Brazilian other reasons why, but we'll leave it there.
Twenty-three reasons why they will:
1. Dida (AC Milan)
2. Cafu (AC Milan)
3. Lucio (Bayern Munich)
4. Juan (Bayer Leverkusen)
5. Emerson (Juventus)
6. Roberto Carlos (Real Madrid)
7. Adriano (Inter Milan)
8. Kaka (AC Milan)
9. Ronaldo (Real Madrid)
10. Ronaldinho (Barcelona)
11. Ze Roberto (Bayern Munich)
12. Rogerio Ceni (Sao Paulo)
13. Cicinho (Real Madrid)
14. Luisao (Benfica)
15. Cris (Olympique Lyon)
16. Gilberto (Hertha Berlin)
17. Gilberto Silva (Arsenal)
18. Edmilson (Barcelona)
19. Juninho (Olympique Lyon)
20. Ricardinho (Corinthians)
21. Fred (Olympique Lyon)
22. Julio Cesar (Inter Milan)
23. Robinho (Real Madrid)
Any questions?
Playing style
Not really fans of catenaccio. To Brazil, defence is the structure which stops de ball from going into de crowd when Ronlardo misses de target from six yards out.
Ronlardo celebrated the 2002 World Cup win by giving Jonah Lomu his tuft back. Thieving bastard.
Least useless player
Basically, pick a number between one and ten. (Eleven through twenty-three aren't too shabby, either...) AC Milan's Kaka deserves a mention, if only for stoically carrying a nickname that in pretty much every language known to man, even that used by the hill-tribes of West Papua, means one thing and one thing only: poo poos.
Likely fate
Favourite yet again, the world's top-ranked team, most talented players in the tournament, expected to have an easy time reaching its fourth straight final, etc etc etc. They have a pretty straightforward draw - the only speedbump might be the round of 16 clash with whoever doesn't top Group E out of Italy or the Czechs. Beyond that they should be able to account for Spain in the semi, unless that lot finally and uncharacteristically manage to pull finger in an international tournament. Their semifinal opponent will come from the 1B vs 2A/1D vs 2B quarterfinal - possible candidates including England, Sweden, Portugal and Germany, any of which they should have enough to beat.
Should cancel hotel bookings after: the World Cup final afterparty.
CROATIAWorld ranking: 20
Coach: Zlatko Kranjcar
World Cup record: Third appearance
Best finish: Third place (1998)
Last appearance: First round (2002)
World Cup odds: 50-1
How qualified: Won European Group 8
As the Cro's fly
Croatia are a proud young nation who have recovered pretty well from the recent troubles in the Balkan area. That's pretty much all you can say on the subject of Croatia without inflaming passionate debate and risking getting nailbombs left on your doorstep (or at least Flaming Edgars). We won't enter into any discussion of their nationhood or the situation surrounding same; no mention of civil wars and hideous atrocities (for and against) going back hundreds of years. We're not interested in starting more hostilities. We certainly wouldn't say something gratuitously inflammatory like 'their flag looks like a tablecloth from a cheap Italian bistro'. No, we're here to talk about football sides, and Croatia has a fairly decent one.
Beginners' luck
Armed with their half of Yugoslavia's early-90s golden generation (discussed previously under Yugoserbia and Montebuggroing-off-shortly in our Group C preview), Croatia's debut(s) at European and world level went about as well as anyone could have hoped. After reaching the quarter-finals of Euro 96 in England, Croatia fronted up in France for the '98 World Cup, grouped with Argentina, Jamaica and Japan in Group H. Wins over the weaker members of the group (you can probably guess who) pushed them into the round of 16, where they met Germany. And fuckin' thrashed them. Croatia won three-blot (Jarni 45', Vlaovic 80', Suker 85'), single-handedly ending Germany's misconception that they were still a significant world footballing power (a hangover from Italia '90, presumably.) Into the semi, up against seventy-six thousand and eleven Frenchmen in the Stade de France. Davor Suker's goal just after the half put Croatia into an astonishing lead. For about 70 seconds, when of all people, French right-back Lilian Thuram (he's a big black dude - YOU want to tell him he has a girl's name?) netted his first international goal. And his second, about 20 minutes later. That ended Croatia's run at the title, but unlike fellow defeated semi-finalists Holland, they actually turned up for the third place playoff game. They won the bronze 2-1, including a sixth goal of the tournament and the FIFA Golden Boot trophy for yer man Davo Suker. Who amounted to two fifths of fuck all for the rest of his career, but at least can tell his grandkids that he scored the most goals at France 98.
Croatia haven't fared as well since the late '90s, largely due to the remnants of their golden generation (Davo Suker, Bob Jarni, Bob Prosinecki, Al Boksic, Zvoni Boban, Mario Stanic, Al Asanovic, Igor Stimac, Et Cetera) having tottered off into retirement. Maybe there's something about growing up under Communist rule that motivates bright young kiddies to spend more time playing football than txtng thr dkhd m8s and getting stupid badger hairdos so they can look like Rabid Beckman. Kids these days, I dunno... arrghh begorrah bollocks... in mah dey it were all trees roon 'ere... arrghh. Anyway they missed qualifying for Euro2000 and only made it to the group stages of KoreaJapan 2002 and Euro2004.
For Germany 2006, Croatia were unbeaten in qualifying and topped their group, which looks good on paper. Until you see their group. (Theftage courtesy the lovely people at Wikipedia.)
| Team | Pts | Pld | W | D | L | GF | GA | GD |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
 Croatia | 24 | 10 | 7 | 3 | 0 | 21 | 5 | 16 |
 Sweden | 24 | 10 | 8 | 0 | 2 | 30 | 4 | 26 |
 Bulgaria | 15 | 10 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 17 | 17 | 0 |
 Hungary | 14 | 10 | 4 | 2 | 4 | 13 | 14 | -1 |
 Iceland | 4 | 10 | 1 | 1 | 8 | 14 | 27 | -13 |
 Malta | 3 | 10 | 0 | 3 | 7 | 4 | 32 | -28 |
Basically, Croatia (a) had a group that the NZ Knights could win and (b) topped the group on a mere technicality. Sweden had the same number of points, more wins and a better goal difference than Croatia, which is usually enough to give you the edge in any tiebreakers. Unfortunately for the 'hammer-throwers who spend half their lives in darkness' (thanks very much Fleet Street), Croatia won the head-to-heads (a pair of 1-0 wins to the red-and-whites) and scored the automatic passage to Germany by a bee's dodger. Which isn't much.
It’s the Cro's that Australia reject that makes our lot the best
Croatia have an unusual individual to thank for their success in qualifying: the Australian taxpayer. This generous soul funded AIS scholarships which were bestowed on a couple of young lads in the hope of turning them into decent footballers: Ante Seric from Sydney, Joe Simunic of Canberra, and Joey Didulica, who through no fault of his own, is from Geelong. Those AIS scholarships turned out to be a brilliant investment... for Croatia, who all three have subsequently represented at international level. Call it part of Australia's foreign aid program.
Defect notice
Ante Seric was the first to defect, when he was infamously selected for both teams prior to an pre-France 98 Australia-Croatia friendly. Given that Croatia were about to play in France 98, and Australia weren't; and given that Croatia went on to win the game 7-0, Terry Venalballs' last game 'in charge' of the Socceroos, you can probably see where Ante was coming from when he decided red-and-white checks went better with his eyes. Seric was in the '98 and '02 World Cup squads but didn’t see action; the Panathinaikos midfielder will hope to get a run third time lucky. Defender Simunic (now at Hertha Berlin) jumped ship in 2001 and played in all three games at KoreaJapan; given his first-team shirt number (3) he should be confident of seeing significant game time. The most recent defector was Joey Didulica, who was called up to the Croatian squad for a pre-Euro2004 friendly, but again didn't get a run in the first team at the actual tournament. Given that he's a goalkeeper he'd have had bugger-all running to do anyway. Player drain from Straya back towards the nations which settled her is nothing new - aside from our Croatian friends you can factor in Craig Johnston, Tony Dorigo and Jamie McMaster (England), Sasa Ilic and Ivan Ergic (Yugoserbia), and of course AB's biggest fan, Bobo Vieri. Now that Australia is half a chance to actually play some decent international football as part of Asia, we might have enough appeal as a footballing nation to actually hang onto some of our second-generation players when their mother countries call.
Axel F'd
In April Didulica, playing for Austria Vienna, ran into trouble with Johnny Law. The previous season, he'd been sent off in the Vienna derby for axing Axel Lawaree from Rapid Vienna, and had copped an eight-match suspension by the Austrian federation. However friend Axel refused to accept an apology from Didulica and pursued a prosecution. (Must have been SOME axing that Joey doled out.) Anyway Didulica was found guilty and sentenced to a Euro 60K fine, as well as E1000 as compensation to Axel L for his personal suffering. What the hell is the world coming to when footballers are being prosecuted for fouls committed on the field of play? In mah deh... it were all trees roon 'ere... small boys, jumpers for goalposts... etc.
Then again, it wasn't exactly the most elegant of challenges
(that's Joey in the black, in case you were wondering)
Playing style
See above photo.
Least useless player
Rangers' Miladin 'Dado' Prso will be Croatia's target man in Germany. His goals for AS Monaco in the 2003/04 Champions League pretty much got them to the final, which they lost to Jose Mourinho's FC Porto in what amounted to the biggest 'Who Cares' fixture in Champions League/European Cup Final history. Big Dado is probably best remembered for his Champions League single-game record haul of four goals in Monaco's also-record 8-3 shellacking (and it was definitely that) of Deportivo La Coruna in the group stage - on his 29th birthday. He's less fondly remembered for his seriously gay ponytail, which made him look like Fabio dealing with a bad hair day. He made the Croatian team for Euro2004, getting a goal against the French in the group stage as they drew 2-2 with the then-reigning Euro champs. At the start of the 2005/05 season he joined Rangers, subsequently hailed by manager Alex McLeish as his 'best ever signing'. Given that McLeish was fired for being busted-arse-useless before the end of that same season, this may be taken with a grain of salt. Prso has been in decent form (12 goals and 16 'assists' last season in Scotland) but hasn't been in particularly good health, due to a knee problem which has intermittently kept him out of the Rangers first team - after every game where he plays the full 90 minutes, his knees get swollen to the extent that he can't play for several days and instead has to sit on his arse and do his hair in the mirror. Which he's also good at.
Likely fate
Like Japan and Australia, these lads could end up anywhere from second to fourth in the final standings. On the plus side they were unbeaten in qualifying, have played a lot together against well-organised opposition. On the minus side, in a friendly last week they needed a last-gasp penalty to scrape a draw with Iran. Christ, who can't manage to draw with Iran? We did it twice in '97, just for practice.
Safe to say that second place in this group will be more hotly contested than in any other group in the tournament, and Croatia have probably as good a chance as either of the other two. Should cancel hotel bookings after: First round. But I have my reservations. (Ahem.)
AUSTRALIAWorld ranking: 49
Coach: Guus Hiddink.
World Cup record: Second appearance
Best (i.e. only) finish: First round (1974)
World Cup odds: 125-1
How qualified: Beat Uruguay in playoff
Decent team, should go all right.
(What, you want more detail?)
The Tyranny of Distance (with apologies to Manning Clark. Manning, we're sorry you're dead.)
Football (or 'soccer', from 'Association Football') is the oldest of the football codes played in Australia (i.e. football, league, union, cross-country aerial ping-pong). However, within Australia it's actually the youngest of all, at least in terms of international representation. Australia's first ever football international was played in 1922, long after the first Kangaroo and Wallaby tours. That first game was against New Zealand, where else but the Riviera of the Antarctic, Dunedin. Australia lost that game 3-1, beginning a long tradition of losing pointlessly to arseholes which has carried on almost to this day.
Grouped in the Oceania Federation with the footballing minnows of the Pacific, Australia's path to the World Cup has always been paved with potholes, washaways and the odd landmine. In the early days, there was no clear path to qualifying for teams outside Europe and South America, so Australia ended up playing-off against the leftovers - countries which were non-aligned, usually politically isolated, volatile and dangerous. They played Israel, because none of the Arabs would. They played North Korea, in a nice, neutral venue which most certainly wasn't a close ally of North Korea, no sirree Bob - Cambodia, circa 1965. They played Iran, before and after the revolution. They played Taiwan, with Chinese warships patrolling off the coast. And of course, they played New Zealand (and on more than one occasion, lost; most famously when NZ pulled off the ultimate coup/insult and qualified for Spain '82).
And at the end of all that, every qualifying campaign would end with a playoff against some European or South American team who would inevitably end the Australian tilt one agonising game short of the Big Show. Uruguay in 2001. Iran in 1997 (OK, they're not exactly European, granted, but that one was El Tel's fault.) Maradona's Argentina in 1993. Israel in 1989. Scotland in 1985. And so on, ad infinitum. With one exception - Germany 1974, when the Socceroo part-timers somehow cracked the combination and picked the lock on the front door. They managed two losses and a goalless draw (cop that, Chile, you Pinochet-backing pack of arses), only managing to score one goal - an own goal in the 2-0 loss to East Germany - but left the tournament as unlikely cult heroes after being adopted by the West German town they were based in.
History never repeats
(my arse it doesn't, you poorly-dressed Kiwi dickheads)
Enough living in the past. So said the Football Federation of Australia (nee Soccer Australia) when they successfully lobbied for inclusion into the Asian Football Confederation, bailing out on Oceania. Flogging Tonga 22-blot and offering American Samoa a quadrennial 31-goal clinic clearly wasn't the best preparation for getting to the World Cup on a regular basis. From next year's Asian Cup onwards, Australia will actually get to play regular competitive football at international level. How novel. World Cup qualifying may not be any easier through Asia, but it will at least be fairer; no sudden-death playoffs condensing four years of work to two games any more. In a nice touch, however, Australia did manage to prove they could qualify the hard way, old-skool, winning a home-and-away playoff (no sign of Bec fuckin' Cartwright-Hewitt though, thank Christ) against Uruguay, as discussed previously.
Our secret weapon
No, it's not Guus, nor Haitch Kewwell, Big Dukes or anyone else included on the plane to Germany; quite the opposite, in fact. Have a look at this.
It's the Australian World Cup squad for Germany 2006, as announced on May 10 (cheers again Wikipedia). Have a look down the left-hand side, next to the player names. The lads at Wiki Central are nothing if not thorough; those little flags there represent which state each player is from. Viduka is a Victorian, Cahill and Kewell are proud New Southerners, Aloisi's a Croweater and old man Stan Lazaridis is a Sandgroper. Fair enough. But do you notice one thing in particular?
That's right folks. There are no Queenslanders. Not a single one.
And that, dear reader, is all the secret weapon we need. Because as the last four or five Origins (or indeed the last eleven Super 12/14 seasons) have plainly demonstrated, Queenslanders are fuckin' losers. And fuckin' losers are something which the Australian World Cup tilt can probably do without.
Now if that doesn't get the letterbombs and/or Flaming Edgars sent in, nothing will.
Playing style
Previously a little staid and stale under Frank Farina, Australia has become a good side to watch under 'Dutch master' (and by God that hasn't grown tedious) Guus Hiddink. Hiddink, for anyone living under a rock for the past wee while, took Holland to the semi-finals at France 98 (beaten on penalties by Brazil, but shouldn't have been) and, more astonishingly, South Korea to the same stage of the 2002 tournament. In terms of talent South Korea are probably no better and possibly a little worse off than Australia is, which plays to Hiddink's strength in getting excellence out of good-but-not-great players - consider his consistent success at PSV, who are perennials in the final stages of the Champions League despite lacking any big name players.
(Well, that's not entirely true. They have Dutch striker Jan Vennegoor of Hesselink, but that's just a long name rather than a big one. Vennegoor of Hesselink is the only footballer who has both his name and his address printed on his playing shirt. Presumably if he ended up passed out face-down on a park bench after a night on the turps, he could be sent home by return post.)
The only identifiable weakness in the Hiddink armoury is that he appears to be particularly poor at bronze medal playoff games - he's zero-from-two in the last two World Cups - so I'm afraid we're screwed. Fourth place is the best we can hope for.
Least useless player
Kewell and Viduka are the names which most will know, but Kewell's last two seasons have been blighted by injury (not to mention really stupid hair) and Viduka has developed a reputation as a lazy, fat, jobs-worth mercenary who only plays just for pay and doesn't give half a fuck about his club (or so the 'Boro fans were claiming). In the last half of the season, Viduka has hit a rich vein of form, netting goals in Boro's good runs in the FA Cup (semifinalists) and UEFA Cup (finalists) as well as the Premiership, but unfortunately this has just reinforced the impression that the Not-So-Thin White Duke only puts in when it's getting close to contract renewal time. Never mind mate, Straya still loves you.
People can be so cruel.
(No word on whether Mark Viduka is 'fucking in heaven', however.)
In truth, ignoring which player is more prominent in popular culture, Tim Cahill is the most important player in the Australian team. Over the last two seasons his form and his contributions for Everton have been better and more impactful than Kewell's efforts across town at Anfield. A problematic factor is that Cahill, Kewell, Viduka and playoff penalty hero John Aloisi are all returning from injury in the leadup to Germany - on the other hand, this means they will be relatively fresh and rested when they reach the World Cup (Cahill in particular has been looking pretty bloody tired for two years). There's also the consideration of last week's impressive win over the European champions, in the Athens of the South - you can't say any of that four were particularly missed.
Likely fate
A couple of hundred kays south-west of southern Germany, where the Socceroos will play their group stage fixtures, is the principality of Monaco, where last weekend Mark Webber put on an absolute masterclass. In an underpowered Williams-Cosworth, on fairly-shit Bridgestones designed for someone else's car (that would be Mikey "Handbrake? What handbrake?" Schumacher), he hounded championship frontrunners Fred Alonso and Look-At-Me-Kimi Raikkonen for almost fifty laps. He was carrying more fuel than both as the second round of pit stops neared, and would have probably overtaken the pair of them, on account of being able to put in quick laps on low fuel while the other pair were chugging around post-refuelling with heavy cars. From there, they wouldn't have touched him; he would have won his first ever Grand Prix, and the most prestigious Grand Prix of all, at that.
Of course, Webber's luck being what it is, and the Williams-Cosworth being as unreliable as it is underpowered, the thing grenaded on him heading up the hill for the 49th time of asking. But the moral of the story is one which the Socceroos should take to heart: If you can’t win, going out in a blaze of fuckin' glory will do. We've had enough ignominous failure; it's time for heroic defeat. (Or arsey victory, if it can be arranged.)
A cogent point is that Australia has form at international level against these teams. Admittedly, not all of it is good form (to wit, Croatia seven Straya nil in June 1998). However, going back to the 2001 Confed Cup, we beat Brazil. That's right, we beat Brazil. Granted, it was the third-place playoff and the Selecao were already mentally down the pub, but we stuffed 'em. Like we'd done to the reigning World and European champions, France, in the first round. Confed Cup '01 was all about Australia proving to the rest of the world that given a chance, we could beat the best teams in the world; that we were good enough to win a World Cup final, if only we could qualify for the fucking tournament in the first place given our ridiculous qualification path. Ironically, given that we lost to both Japan and South Korea at the same tournament, we probably wouldn't have been good enough to qualify through Asia anyway.
To summarise: We have no history at international level. All our best players are injured. We have an appalling draw - IF (and it's a big IF, which is why it's in capitals) we manage second in Group F, we'll get a second-round assignment with either Italy or the Czech Republic, ranked 2nd in the world. And on top of all that we are from a nation of Cletuses who voted for John Howard, FOUR TIMES, and think soccer is for poofs because noone sticks their head up anyone's arse and grunts a lot. But we have almost an entire first-team of Premiership players, plus a couple each from Serie A and two from the best team in Holland. And we have the best coach in the entire tournament (we'll ignore the fact that as Dutch coach eight years ago, he lost to both Brazil and Croatia during the last two games of France 98).
Should cancel hotel bookings after: second round. But like most Aussies in Europe, they'll be staying at backpackers or crashing on someone's floor anyway, so what's the difference?
JAPANWorld ranking: 15
Coach: Zico
World Cup record: Third appearance
Best finish: Second round (2002)
Last appearance: Second round (2002)
World Cup odds: 125-1
How qualified: Won Asian Group B
Made in Japan
Aside from a handful of players who are European-based, most of Japan's World Cup squad are domestic. That's not to say they cook dinner or do the washing up without being told by their girlfriends, but that they play in the J-League, Japan's domestic football competition which was set up in the early '90s with the explicit intention of improving the quality of Japanese football at international level. It worked. Japan is now one of the strongest teams in Asia, and the J-League was long touted by visionaries such as the late great Johnny Warren as the perfect template for redeveloping the Australian NSL. Cue the A-League, stage left; yet again, Captain Socceroo was right.
One of the features of the J-League when it began was the amount of money that the new clubs were prepared to splash around on big-name signings to spice things up (another idea borrowed/ripped off by the A-League, bringing in 'marquee players' like Dwight Yorke). Players who took the plunge and headed out East included Italia '90 Golden Boot winner Salvatore 'Toto' Schillaci (yeah, Toto! Woooo! Toto! Wooooooo!), and Brazilian World Cup star Zico. (Yeah, Zi... um...) Most of the big name stars simply banked the big novelty cheque made out in Yen, played out their contracted year(s), and buggered off home, richer (literally) for the experience. Some stayed, however. One of whom was Zico (Arthur Antunes Coimbra to his mother), who'll coach Japan in Germany.
Zico played at three World Cups for the Selecao (1978/82/86), all of which Brazil were supposed to win comfortably, but didn't (see Point #5 above). Actually the 'Zilians count '78 as a moral win (what, five world titles aren't enough for you bastards?) due to some alleged collusion and dodginess which put hosts Argentina through to the final stages at their expense, following a massive six-goal win against Peru which just happened to give them a big enough goal difference to overtake the unbeaten Brazilian side - given the Peruvian goalie was Argentine-born and hadn't even conceded six goals in the entire tournament up to then, you can see their point. In the 1982 World Cup Zico was Brazil’s top scorer, in a side that very unexpectedly were arsed out of the tournament in the latter stage by Italy, 3-2 (on the back of a Paolo Rossi hat-trick). Throughout an impressive club career, Zico plied his trade at hometown club Flamengo, then in Italy with Udinese, back with Flamengo again, then took the big cheque to be one of the J-League’s inaugural Big Names (at the poetically named Kashima Antlers). Unexpectedly, he took to his new surroundings and remains in Japan to this day. Zico is nicknamed Galo ('the Cock') for reasons we hope are nothing to do with his behaviour in mixed company (c.f. 'That guy Brad from Toowoomba is a total galo'.)
Post Spain '82, Zico teamed up with dodgy Brazilian popstar Raymond Fagner (that's Zico looking uncomfortable at right, still with all his hair) to release a pair of duets, Cantos do Rio and Batuque de Praia, as a single. Worldwide, this remains the only single ever released to market where both songs were B-sides.
Playing style
Zico will try to get them to play a flowing South American sort of game, and some of their better midfielders (Hidetoshi Nakata and Junichi Inamoto in particular) probably have the skills to carry this off, but in truth the Japanese game is known more for its tenacity and determination than its massive overabundance of technical ability."They would rather die than give up," was the blunt assessment of Strayan coach Hiddink ahead of the Group F opener between Us and Them in Kaiserslautern on June 12. The Brazilian connection isn't solely limited to their coach, however; J-League star Alessandro dos Santos (Alex to his mates) will turn out for his second World Cup in succession for the Blues, despite being about as Japanese as Bruce Ruxton.
Least useless player
Bolton's Hidetoshi Nakata is the highest-profile Asian footballer of his generation and is an absolute legend in Japan. Prior to his current assignment as yet another slightly-aging midfield conjurer and arsey free-kick specialist on Fat Sam's payroll at the Wanderers, Nakata spent several years in Italy, playing for Perugia, Roma, Parma, Bologna and Fiorentina; his arsiness was a key element of AS Roma's first Serie A title in donkey's years. The enigmatic Nakata, who scored the winner the last time Japan met Australia (the '01 Confed Cup), may be one of the few existentialist footballers currently plying their trade in the Premiership. "I don't understand why people are football fans," he stated recently. "I don't like to watch any kind of sport." Sometimes, he says, he looks at the game around him, glances up at the stands, and wonders what it’s all about. In a recent match he experienced such a moment and "felt confused as to why we were out there playing football. I started asking myself what the other players must be looking for, what their goals must be in playing." Then again, he does play for Bolton, under Fat Sam Allardyce. When your manager goes out of his way to recruit all the most brilliantly creative (if ever-so-slightly washed-up) midfield talents he can get for cheap, then proceeds to waste their talents by playing the dourest, most massively tedious long-ball game in the whole Premiership, perhaps it's not surprising you start asking yourself existential questions, such as 'Why the fuck am I here?'
More recently (i.e. yesterday) he's made his concerns known that the atmosphere in the Japanese camp is too relaxed with the start of the tournament just days away. "I think the atmosphere is the main problem at the moment," he said after training. "I could be wrong but the atmosphere in the team seems to me a little bit too friendly." Clearly the John Howard 'relaxed and comfortable' approach doesn't sit well with Nakata. Likewise, Nakata's approach to life would seem unlikely to appeal to John Howard, largely because he hates Asians.
Likely fate
Japan are reigning double Asian Cup champions and won their qualifying group pretty easily. Getting to the World Cup isn't their problem; making an impact when they get there is. Despite hosting the tournament, they only managed to make the second round in 2002 and were comprehensively shown up by Hiddink’s South Koreans. In 1998, on their World Cup debut, they lost all three matches - beaten by Argentina, Croatia (again, yer man Davo Suker with the winner), and (astonishingly) Jamaica, fresh from a 5-0 thrashing by the Argies.
Zico will have to rely heavily on his extensive World Cup experience in order to prevent his charges ending up on the first JAL flight home to Tokyo. (That insight from our reporter on the spot, Captain Obvious.)
Should cancel hotel bookings after: first round.
NOSTRILDRAMAS PREDICTS...
Match Schedule (stolen from FIFA in retribution for fucking up Australia's World Cup qualifying path for so many years):
| Match | Date | Venue | Teams | Time | ||
| 11 | 13-Jun-06 | Berlin |  | BRA:CRO |  | 21:00 |
| 12 | 12-Jun-06 | Kaiserslautern |  | AUS:JPN |  | 15:00 |
| 27 | 18-Jun-06 | Munich | | BRA:AUS | | 18:00 |
| 28 | 18-Jun-06 | Nuremberg | | JPN:CRO | | 15:00 |
| 43 | 22-Jun-06 | Dortmund | | JPN:BRA | | 21:00 |
| 44 | 22-Jun-06 | Stuttgart | | CRO:AUS | | 21:00 |
Disclaimer: The following contains no pretence of neutrality or even-handedness whatsoever. Canary yellow? That's Australian gold my friend, and don't you fuckin' forget it. Canary yellow indeed.
Match of the round: Anything involving Australia.
Who cares fixture: Anything not involving Australia, but you know you'll watch anyway, crossing your fingers to see plenty of sendings and/or limpings-off.
Take this down the TAB and put your Centrelink cheque on it:
Brazil 3-1 Croatia
Australia 1-0 Japan
Brazil 3-2 Australia
Japan 1-1 Croatia
Japan 1-3 Brazil
Croatia 1-2 Australia
Any lack of consistency between these and earlier predictions for Group E can be put down to a disturbance in the force brought about by the proximity of Earth to Venus, as well as the proximity of this chair to the beer fridge.
Brazil, as group winners, play the Czech Republic, and are beaten 1-0 by a mishit Pavel Nedved cross that loops in over out-of-form keeper Dida's head. Dr Yobbo of The Weak In Sport, as the only media representative not to have crawled up Brazil's collective arse and marvelled at the interior decor and the quality of soft furnishings, is lionised as a perceptive analytical genius. Ronaldinho signs a lucrative deal with Advanced Hair Studios, granting him 'preferred supplier' status, but later terminates the agreement furiously on discovering his donated hair had been spot-welded to Michael Jackson's scalp. Meanwhile, Ronaldo leaves Real Madrid and joins Jenny Craig on a Bosman free transfer.
Australia, second in Group F, meets Italy in the Round of 16. And loses, heroically, one-nil after the Italians are hopelessly overrun by waves of Australian attack and have to resort to catenaccio writ fuckin' large. Everyone bar Italy's team bus driver is behind the ball for 119 minutes. Then the referee, who has disallowed three apparently legitimate Australian goals for reasons including offside, dissent and even disapproval at Haitch Kewell's coiffure (that decision at least was fair enough), gifts Italy a final-minute, extra-time penalty. Despite Schwarzer saving Totti's first attempt, the referee orders the penalty be retaken, and sends Schwarzer off for moving off his line. Guus Hiddink has used all three subs, so directs the largest member of the team into the goal. Totti's second attempt ricochets off Viduka's arse, hits both posts and the crossbar, then dribbles across the line. Italy go on to win the World Cup, despite the referee later being unmasked as Luciano Moggi with one of them trick latex facemasks they used in Mission Impossible 2 (and overused in Mission Impossible 3). Meanwhile Australia are lauded as heroes (under the well-established 'morally we beat them, and they won the whole thing, so really we did' rule) and the FFA make millions from the movie rights. The subsequent film stars Leaf Hedger as Harry Kewell, Dom de Luise as Mark Viduka, Tom Cruise as the ball, and John Travolta as a publicity-hungry celebration-crashing Scientologist arseclown.
You might say I'm a dreamer.
But I'm not the only one...
NEXT TIME...
'Sup G - we check out France, Switzerland, South Korea, and... Togo.
No, I have no idea who the fuck they are, either.
