Group A
Germany
Costa Rica
Poland
Ecuador
GERMANYWorld ranking: 16Coach: Jurgen Klinsmann
World Cup record: 15th appearance
Best finish: Champion (1954, 1974, 1990)
Last appearance: Runner-up (2002)
World Cup odds: 8-1
Qualified by: Hosting
Lost in translation
The hosts have managed to pull a fairly charitable draw, at least according to the media in Germany. After scoring Costa Rica, Poland and Ecuador, one paper observed with characteristic German humility: "We can only fail because of red cards and torn ligaments." However the tune changed recently when they were abjectly pantsed by Italy 4-1 in a 'friendly' international and German coach Jurgen Klinsmann (striker in their victorious Italia '90 World Cup and their Euro '96 sides, the latter while playing for Spurs in the English Premiership) has been copping it from all angles - media, politicians and even the chair of the World Cup organising committee, former German great (though 'surprise selection' for the German philosophers' football team in that Python sketch years back), Franz Beckenbauer. No real surprise there as der Kaiser has more opinions than talkback radio and most of them are equally as intelligently thought out.
After the Italy loss the German tabloid Bild ridiculed the team's players by comparing them with pizza ingredients under the headline Pizza Quattro Gegentori, which translates (apparently) as "Pizza of four goals conceded." Striker Miroslav Klose (the lanky dude who scored a bucket of goals against the Saudis in 2002) had the body of an onion, midfielder Sebastian Deisler was likened to a tin of tuna, while striker Lukas Podolski was nicknamed "Poldi the asparagus." Captain Michael Ballack was likened to salami with Bild claiming "he played like a sausage". Midfielder Bernd Schneider was a clove of garlic because, the newspaper said, his performance "stank."
Ah, those funny, funny Germans.
Lukas Poldoski (photo taken at a recent family reunion)
Playing style
Absent. You know what to expect with the Germans, regardless of the cattle they put out onto the paddock. They will be technically proficient, tacically efficient, and incredibly tedious. They have won three world cups by imposing discipline, structure and rigidity on their more fluent opponents' games and grinding out results. You know where you are with the Germans. Bored shitless.
Least useless player
Bryan Munich's Michael Ballack, likely to be Chelsea-bound in the summer. The Dog’s Ballacks has a prophensity for missing big games, not through injury but through getting stupid red cards in the semis and being suspended for the final - happened in the Champions League a few years ago when he was playing for Bayer Leverkusen (who lost to Real Madrid in the final) and again he was suspended for the World Cup final of 2002, which contributed to that game being so bloody awful to watch.
Likely fate
Germany didn't have to qualify so their last serious tournament was Euro2004 in Portugal, where they were deservedly dumped out in the first round. This along with the Italian result doesn't bode well for the team nicknamed the Mannschaft - when you name your national team after a gay porn mag, it's not surprising that they bend over and take it - who will struggle to emulate the feats of the KoreaJapan2002™ team, even though that lot were pretty ordinary and only made the final courtesy a sympathy-shag of a draw which had them facing powerhouses such as the USA in the Round of 16 and Turkey in the semis.
Should cancel hotel bookings after: Second round. Should get out of this group pretty easily. Will meet Sweden or England in the second round and that may see the end of them; otherwise the Argies or the Dutch will dispatch them in the quarters. Jurgen will get the arse, der Kaiser will run his mouth, and the Dog's Ballacks will be at the centre of a bidding war between Barca and Chelsea, which Chelsea will win because they have more money than God.
COSTA RICAWorld ranking: 21
Coach: Alexandre Guimaraes
World Cup record: Third appearance
Best finish: Second round (1990)
Last appearance: First round (2002)
World Cup odds: 500-1.
How qualified: Third in CONCACAF's final group.
Who? Why? How?
The Costa Ricans put in a decent showing at KoreaJapan2002™ - even though they didn't get out of the first round, they were tipped out of 2nd in their group on goal difference by the eventual third placed Turks, so they're not as busted-arse useless as you might have expected. Historically their best showing was Italia '90 - they were only there because Mexico were turfed out for fielding overage players in an under 21s tournament, but managed to make it out of a dicey looking group which contained Brazil, Scotland and Sweden, by shading the Scots, stretching the mighty Brazilians before losing 1-0 in Turin, and then improbably coming from a goal down to beat Sweden. Of course they were subsequently bounced by the Czechs 4-1 in the Round of 16, but they remain the only Central American side ever to make the second round.
Interesting fact: The currency of Costa Rica is the colon; unsurprisingly Eftpos is highly popular. Tourists are advised to beware of unstable currency fluctuations which could see them paying through the arse.
Playing style
Unspectacular but solid.
Least useless player
Former Derby FC premiership striker Paulo Wanchope. When your least useless player is a long-since-departed ex-striker for a long-since-departed ex-premiership side, you’re going home early.
Paulo One Chop
Likely fate
Going home early. These lads won their CONCACAF qualifying group four years ago, but a third-place finish this time shows their fossilised key players may be past their prime. Beaten 3-2 by Iran in a recent friendly. Although their group is weaker than Seppo beer and equally as interesting, Costa Rica's higher world ranking is no guarantee of edging out Poland or Ecuador - both of the latter qualified out of tougher confederations (Europe/South America) against better quality opposition. Should cancel hotel bookings after: first round.
POLAND
World ranking: 23
Coach: Pawel Janas
World Cup record: Sixth appearance
Best finish: Third place (1974, 1982)
Last appearance: First round (2002)
World Cup odds: 80-1
Qualified by: One of two best group runners-up in European qualification
Coach: Pawel Janas
World Cup record: Sixth appearance
Best finish: Third place (1974, 1982)
Last appearance: First round (2002)
World Cup odds: 80-1
Qualified by: One of two best group runners-up in European qualification
Pole position
Poland would win comfortably if we were playing Player Name Scrabble, although we’d run out of W’s and Z’s pretty fast. Semi-finalists in '74, the last time the World Cup gravy train stopped in Germany, Poland will attempt to leverage this synergy (thanks very much John Mitchell) in order to better their KoreaJapan2002™ result, which was arse-motherless-last in their group and home before the Round of 16.
Insert obvious pun here
Playing style
Germany without the flair.
Least useless playerJerzy Dudek, Liverpool’s ever-random keeper. The Dude, likely to be headed elsewhere in the summer after losing his first-team place at Anfield, is guaranteed at least one brain explosion per tournament, so he's entertaining if nothing else. At the other end of the park, the Poles will be heavily dependent on the marksmanship of Celtic striker Maciej Zurawski, nicknamed 'Magic' by the adoring Bhoys fans. Warning: becoming a cult hero to Celtic fans does not actually mean you are any good at football. For further information, refer to listing under Viduka, M.
Likely fateUnpromising. Finished last in their group at KoreaJapan2002™, didn't qualify for Euro2004, qualified for Chermany out of a pretty weak group, and recently conspired to lose to the Seppos in a friendly played in a snowstorm near a USAF base in Kaiserslautern (which is coincidentally what Klinsmann would like to see happen to Beckenbauer should he open his trap again.)
That said, Poland's Euro qualifying experience, and the proximity to home for their fan base (as well as the large Polish ex-pat population in Germany) should see them make it out of the group, by the thickness of a gnat's pube, where they will be mullered in the Round of 16 by whoever wins Group B out of the Poms and the Swedes.
Should cancel hotel bookings after: Irrelevant as they'll probably be staying with extended family.
ECUADORWorld ranking: 37Coach: Luis Fernando Suarez
World Cup record: Second appearance
Best finish: First round (2002)
Last appearance: First round (2002)
World Cup odds: 125-1
Qualified by: Third overall in South American qualifying
It's all about altitude
Prior to the last World Cup Ecuador had no football history whatsoever at international level, but were the revelation of the South American qualifiers for KoreaJapan2002™, somehow arsing their way to a second-placed finish (ahead of Brazil) in a fiercely competitive region. Four years on, Luis Suarez's team have done it again, qualifying for their second successive World Cup hot on the heels of the Argies and the 'Zilians, and ahead of the rest of the Guays. Ecuador play all their football (and indeed carry out most of the other functions related to normal human existence) at altitude, which gives them a competitive advantage while playing at home, as well as more extra red blood cells than you'd get from a Tour de France peleton's worth of EPO.
Shaman on you
A shaman from Ecuador is visiting all 12 World Cup venues in Germany to banish evil spirits before the tournament starts on 9 June. Tzamarenda Naychapi - a priest who practises magic for healing, divination and controlling events, and definitely NOT a Scrabble clue - let out a loud scream to chase away evil spirits in the centre of the pitch at Leipzig's Zentralstadion on Monday. "I've come to Leipzig to purify this important place for the World Cup and to bring positive energy," said the 36-year-old. "I hope not to be locked up for being an absolute fruit loop," he added. "If I go down, Cruise should go down as well." This marks the first time any of the Shamen had been heard from since their 1992 single 'Ebeneezer Goode'.
Anyone else remember this lot?
Least useless player
Noone you’ve heard of. Maybe Agustin Delgado, who played briefly with Southampton the year they were relegated. Delgado is a massive seven-foot tall bugger with a remarkably strong international goalscoring record (a goal every three games) for a country which has no international pedigree whatsover prior to about 15 minutes ago. Unsurprisingly, given his 'aerial power', he usually plays as an old-fashioned target man, nodding in crosses and corners. After his short-lived career in the Premiership, Delgado now plays for Barcelona. That’s Barcelona Sporting Club of Guayaquil, Ecuador.
Playing style
Need you ask? With a seven-foot target man in the area? It'll be a veritable masterclass of long-ball Route One football, just like when England get desperate in the last 10 minutes and throw on Peter Crouch.
Likely fate
Ecuador didn't make it out of the group stage on their World Cup debut last time out, but did manage to stone the Cro's, so they at least have experience in beating Euro opposition at World Cup level. Impressively they held the Dutchies to a 1-0 win in a recent friendly;, then again the Dutch usually bank a couple of appalling pre-tournament friendly results prior to every World Cup or Euro tournament they manage to qualify for (which is less than you'd think) - prior to France 98 they drew with the Seppos for Christ's sake - so that result probably means two fifths of smeg all. More recently they were beaten one-blot by the Japs, which is probably more indicative of their true worth. Given that their qualifying success was founded on their home form playing at several thousand feet, they may struggle at sea level. Despite their good qualifying performance they'll most likely be out in the first round.
Should cancel hotel bookings: early Dors.
NOSTRILDRAMAS PREDICTS...Match schedule (stolen from fifaworldcup.com):
| Match | Date | Venue | Teams | Time | ||
| 1 | 09-Jun-06 | Munich |  | GER:CRC |  | 18:00 |
| 2 | 09-Jun-06 | Gelsenkirchen |  | POL:ECU |  | 21:00 |
| 17 | 14-Jun-06 | Dortmund | | GER:POL | | 21:00 |
| 18 | 15-Jun-06 | Hamburg | | ECU:CRC | | 15:00 |
| 33 | 20-Jun-06 | Berlin | | ECU:GER | | 16:00 |
| 34 | 20-Jun-06 | Hanover | | CRC:POL | | 16:00 |
Game of the group: Germany vs Poland (no annexation jokes please)
Who cares fixture: Ecuador vs Costa Rica
Take this straight down the TAB and put the rent on it:
Germany 2-0 Costa Rica
Poland 1-0 EcuadorGermany 2-1 PolandCosta Rica 1-1 Ecuador
Germany 3-0 Ecuador
Poland 1-0 Costa Rica
Germany and Poland progress to the Round of 16. Germany may make it further depending on who tops Group B (Sweden or England); Poland won't.
NEXT TIME...
... it's Group B, where England and Sweden meet in the first round for only the umpteenth time in recent history, and Paraguay argue with Trinidad and Tobago (both of them) over the scraps.
See you then.
The Doctor is OUT.
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