Group E
Italy
Ghana
USA
Czech Republic
ITALYWorld ranking: 12
Coach: Marcello Lippi
World Cup record: 16th appearance
Best finish: Champion (1934, 1938, 1982)
Last appearance: Second round (2002)
World Cup odds: 8-1
How qualified: Won European Group 5
Blue merda
Italy's traditional form in international competition can be described as a two-position switch, with one side marked 'Absolutely Brilliant', and the other 'Totally Shithouse'. They've won three World Cups, but none since 1982; they've won the Euro title only once, and that was in the late 60s. Since claiming the bronze medal at home in the 1990 World Cup, they've failed to qualify for Euro 92; were beaten on penalties in the final at USA 94; went out in the first round at Euro 96; were quarterfinalists at France 98 (beaten only on penalties by the eventual champions); were beaten finalists at Euro 2000 (again, beaten by the French, this time on a dodgy golden goal in the final minute of extra time); were awful at KoreaJapan 2002, being lucky to even make the second round; and went out in the first round again at Euro 2004. For those playing at home, that's bella-merda-bella-merda-bella (sort of)-bella-merda-merda. Planning a bet on Italy? Save your money, just go down the club and play Heads or Tails on Keno.
Italy 1 Visitors 0
Despite being implicated in a double merda at recent international tournaments, Italy are actually in great form at the moment. In a completely uncharacteristic display of flair, they are absolutely banging in the goals. Italy are known as the inventors (or at least the modern masters) of catenaccio, loosely translated as 'get a goal up then get 10 men behind the ball and bore the bastards to a standstill'. Dour, backs-to-the-wall defensive heroics are hailed more favourably in Italy than five-goal hammerings - an example we've discussed previously was Italy's semi against their Dutch hosts at Euro2000 when the Azzurri had wingback Zambrotta sent off after half an hour, yet held the best attacking side in the tournament to nil-all for the rest of the match, and then all of extra time, going on to win through to the final on penalties.
However, in the recent World Cup qualifiers and subsequent friendlies, Italy have gone a bit loco. In qualifying, not only did Italy score a lot of goals, but they shipped quite a few as well, suggesting the historical focus on defence, and the Italian obsession with 1-0 as the perfect score, may have slipped somewhat. Likewise, in a recent friendly against Germany their young attackers ran riot in a 4-1 shellacking (we may have observed this previously, but it's a pity there aren't more shellackings in world football.) Fresh from bronzing at Athens, their younger players are looking to make a serious dent in the hackneyed stereotype of one-nil Italian football. Milan's Alberto Gilardino and Fiorentina's Luca Toni, who both scored in the first 10 minutes of the Germany game, will lead the Italian line in Germany in the injury-enforced absence of Real Madrid's Antonio Cassano and old mate Christian 'Bobo' Vieri, who grew up in Sydney and had Allan Border as his childhood hero; his brother Max is a Socceroo, but missed out on the Strayan World Cup squad.
Can we fix it?
So with Italy in their best position to win the World Cup in years, it's no surprise at all that Italian football has chosen this precise moment to completely and catastrophically implode. At fault, as usual: Juventus.
Juventus are the Scuderia Ferrari of Italian football; they could probably win without cheating, but aren't interested in trying to find out. (Ironically, they're majority-owned by the Agnelli family, who run FIAT, owners of Ferrari.) Forever and a day, for as long as SBS's wonderfully crusty old Italian analyst Tony Palumbo can remember, there has been an eternal stink around Juventus. They always get the close refereeing decisions. They always get the last-minute penalties and the dodgy off-side calls. The opposition's players get carded or marched for identical fouls to the unpunished ones which their Juve opposites committed moments before. Of course, up until a couple of weeks ago, this was just sour grapes, the usual whinging from opposition fans as Juve strolled to their second Scudetto (shield) in succession and their fourth this century. That was, until phone-taps related to an Italian federal police investigation into organised player doping turned up recordings of Juventus GM, Luciano Moggi, in conversation with the head of referees for the Italian football federation. As it turns out, Moggi had the referees in his pocket - he had ultimate influence over which referees were selected for Juve games, or even games in which their major competitors were playing, and what their decisions were going to be. For instance, let's say Juve were playing Parma next week, and let's say their key playmaker Marco Bresciano (go Aussie) had accumulated one less than the number of yellows required to suspend him from the following week's match; Moggi would have the referee of Parma's game instructed to find an excuse to yellow-card Bresciano, so he wouldn't be eligible to play in the Juve game the week after. And this sort of thing went on every week.
As a result of this information going public, the merda has hit the fan with great velocity. Juve will probably be stripped of their recent titles and, as per the rules of Italian football, should be relegated to Serie B or C. Most of their top players will have get-out clauses such that if the side is relegated they can fuck off someplace else. Two things are certain: (a) Moggi's dodgy dealings will cost Juve much more than it ever gained them, and (b) if something in Italian football seems dodgy, it probably is. Mind you, it's not as if dodginess is a new phenomenon in Italian football; both AC Milan and SS Lazio were relegated from Serie A on such grounds in the '80s. Most memorably, Italy's 1982 World Cup Golden Boot-winning hero Paolo Rossi, whose goals won them their third World Cup, had only just returned to action at that tournament following a two-year ban for match-fixing. At least he was relatively fresh...
Forza Italia
Unlike most countries, in Italy football is highly structured and the political system utterly shambolic. Even so, the convergent synergy of football and politics can be leveraged by those seeking to pick the lower-hanging fruit (can I get a job in marketing now?) In the '30s, under Mussolini, the importance of this was made quite clear to the Italian side, who were politely directed to win the World Cup or be shot like dogs and strung up in the town square. Funnily enough Italy triumphed in 1934 and 1938; by the next World Cup Mussolini himself (and his offsiders, mistresses and hangers-on) had all been shot like dogs and strung up in the town square, which was nice for the Italian football team, even if it meant their motivation was somewhat less keenly felt. In the first five post-war World Cups they either failed to qualify or went out in the first round, but at least they weren't dead.
More recently, Silvio Berlusconi has leveraged the aforementioned synergy to become Italian president not once but twice. Berlusconi, a media magnate in the Murdoch mould (i.e. a manipulative, Machiavellian motherfucker, just to keep the alliteration going) was chairman of AC Milan for many years, and launched his political aspirations on the back of an unashamadly populist party platform called Forza Italia, the traditional battle-cry of the Azzurri fans. It worked a treat. Indeed, when the Italian side were gathering to head off to France 98, on the 50th anniversary of their 1938 win, President Berlusconi told them to either win, or... um... not come back. When told it wasn't exactly appropriate to quote the former Fascist leader's bon mots, Berlusconi replied, "What's the problem? I've already ripped off most of his policies anyway..."
Playing style
4-3-1-2 with Totti or del Piero playing in the withdrawn role behind the strikers (Trequartista to the Italians, 'in the hole' to most of the rest of us). When that doesn't work, one-nil and 4-5-1 as above.
Least useless player
Depending how he pulls up after his comeback from injury (see below), Francesco Totti, Italy's talismanic playmaker/tickerless prettyboy (like the team, his form can best be described in binary terms) will be key. Despite excellent form for AS Roma (his mid-season injury curtailed a record-setting 11-game winning streak for the club), Totti has never quite cut it at international level, seeming to waft in and out of games without managing to stamping his mark on them.
Owwww
Cynical as it may be to say it, Totti will surely be spurred onto greater heights by the sight of veteran trequartista Alessandro del Piero on the bench, just waiting for Totti to achieve fuck-all so he can get on and knock a few bendy free kicks around. Del Piero, for whom this is probably the last international hurrah, has become a specialist pine-warmer in his autumn years at Juve, serving the club very effectively (although much to his personal annoyance) as an impact player off the bench; expect him to be used in similar fashion by Italian coach Marcello Lippi, who was his manager at Juve for many years in the '90s. Common wisdom in Italy is that del Piero has never quite fulfilled the potential he had shown in his youth, when he was understudy to the Divine Ponytail, Roberto Baggio. Juve chairman Gianni Agnelli actually nicknamed him Pinturicchio, after the modestly-talented, workmanlike painter who was understudy to the great Raphael. Those Renaissance artist references really talk to kids, Big G. You the man.
Likely fate
All things being even, the Azzurri probably have about a fifty-fifty chance of topping the group along with the Czechs; the loser of that particular stoush gets a date with Brazil in the second round, so the lotteria begins nice and early for the Italians. Traditionally slow-starters, if they don't pull finger early in proceedings they will be going home early. Presuming they manage to shade the Czechs in Group E, they'll get either Japan, Croatia or (much more likely) Australia, which is probably a slightly more appealing prospect in terms of an easier ride to the quarter-finals. That side of the draw points to a probable QF with France though, so it's not exactly a charity telethon; the winner of the Brazil game will probably get Spain, who are bound to stop sucking at international level one of these days. Basically, for the Italians and everyone else in group E, the draw is merdarous.
Should cancel hotel bookings after: second round, but will need to keep an eye on Wotif.com for last minute specials just in case they have to hang around town.
GHANAWorld ranking: 50
Coach: Ratomir Dujkovic
World Cup record: First appearance
World Cup odds: 200-1
How qualified: Won African Group 2
Your first time too, huh?
Like almost all the other African qualifiers, Germany 2006 is Ghana's debut at the World Cup. However, unlike almost all the other African first-timers, Ghana have decent credibility at international level already, being four-time winners of the African Cup of Nations, the second-most successful nation behind Egypt. However they tanked badly at this year's tournament, despite their star players being European-based, playing at clubs from Roma to Red Star Belgrade.
Not that Pele, the other one
Ghana's all-time most capped player and highest scorer is Abedi Pele, who spent much of the '80s and '90s in the French Ligue 1 (most notably for Marseilles, where he was man of the match in their infamous 1993 European Cup win over AC Milan - infamous because the entire team was on the go-fast, it seems) and the German Bundesliga (where he played alongside the holy relic Ned Zelic at 1860 Munich.) He remains a cult hero in French-speaking (and otherwise) Africa, and helped spearhead the South Africans' 2010 World Cup hosting bid. Ironically, Ghana qualified for Germany at the expense of the Saffers, which may have made his nation a tad less popular down the southern end of the Dark Continent. In a neat twist, Abedi Pele was named in 2004 as one of the 125 top living footballers, by... Pele.
At press time there was no word on which Pele the insanely wailing ginger fruitbat was referring to
The other name which might leap out of the annals of Ghanaian football, at least for anyone who was watching the Premier League in the mid-90s, would be that of Tony Yeboah, who used to bang in some ludicrous long-range goals during his time at Leeds United; one volley he hit from about 30 yards against Wimbledon in late 1995 made the Premier League's top ten goals of their first 10 seasons. Put bluntly, it was a fuckin' ripper.
Playing style
Typical African. Technically gifted but easily distracted players? Check. Obscure Eastern European coach shouting a lot? Check. Enthusiasm and energy abounding, tactical nous maybe not so much? Check and mate.
Least useless player
We'll call this a draw between Sammy Kuffour, late of Bryan Munich and now standing up big and tall in AS Roma's back four (if as a professional centre-back you can hold down a first team place in an Italian side, you ain't bad) and midfielder Michael Essien of Chelsea, who was a key part of the Special One's latest championship tilt. Watch for Stephen Appiah of Fenerbahce to be their target man up front, particularly in their game against Italy; he's ex-Juventus so he also knows Italian football reasonably well.
Likely fate
So where are they Ghana finish? (Involuntary retch) Third in the group, we reckon. They won't get in front of the Europeans but should have enough to beat the US. Might have shown more in an easier group but that, quite literally, is the luck of the draw. Should cancel hotel bookings after: they stuff the Seppos on the 22nd.
UNITED STATESWorld ranking: 8 (fuck knows how)
Coach: Bruce Arena (no relation of Tina)
World Cup record: Eighth appearance
Best finish: Semifinals (1930)
Last appearance: Quarterfinals (2002)
World Cup odds: 80-1
How qualified: Won CONCACAF's final group
Endlessly Self-Promoting Nation
The Americans are a good chance to win the whole tournament. Just ask them. Actually, just ask ESPN, Fox Sports or any other bastion of the bullshit factory they call the US sports media. Granted, they quarterfinalled famously in KoreaJapan; granted, they have a nominally impressive world ranking; and granted, they topped CONCACAF qualifying ahead of the Mexicans (on goal difference). But, let's face it. They're fucking shit. Particularly in Europe, where they are 1-8-2 all-time (to put it in terms their domestic media might understand). They're a decent side, sure, but they're MASSIVELY overrated, largely on the basis of their artificially high FIFA ranking and their good showing in 2002, where they beat an already-imploding Portuguese team in the group stage and then shaded old rivals Mexico in the Round of 16, before getting beaten by ze Chermans.
Even better than the Real thing
At least the Seppos are taking an interest in a sport that more than three nations actually play. The current generation's success owes much to the hype surrounding USA 94, and the setting up of Major League Soccer in subsequent years. At first, there were extensive attempts to Americanise the sport to make the MLS more popular, with penalty shootouts to decide 'tied' (i.e. drawn) games, particularly 'shutouts' (i.e. goalless draws), where the 'goaltenders' would have to 'come up big' in 'clutch' situations. At the same time, though, the MLS went the other way with an appalling display of me-tooism in the naming of the teams. I can handle DC United, I can maybe accept Houston Dynamo (presumably a la Dynamo Moscow, Dynamo Bucharest, etc)... but Real Salt Lake? Come on. Seriously. Real Salt Lake? Who are these fuckers kidding?
'Striker', the mascot from USA94.
This little bastard has a lot to answer for.
Playing style
Cohesive and organised. They play a lot of international football together (part of the reason why their FIFA ranking is so inflated is the high number of games they play a season, compared to Australia for instance) and the college system means that the theory and coaching side of the game is well-sorted; Americans are world-renown for being astonishingly anal when it comes to the tactical side of their sports (case in point NFL football), so there's no surprise this is their strong suit. Put it this way: they're specialists at getting quality end-product out of mediocre starting materials.
Least useless player
Claudio Reyna of Man City is their talisman, though the way he limped out of the recent friendly against Morocco will give Seppo-side football fans at least as many worries as the meek manner in which their team surrendered the win to the Moroccans, one to nothing. If Reyna's hammie doesn't improve by the week after next, look for PSV's DaMarcus Beasley (gotta love those Seppo sporting names - the Weak's current favourite being new NFL draftee D'Brickashaw Ferguson) to bust out the skills. Being coached by Guus Hiddink at your day job can't be a bad thing. So long as your day job has something to do with playing football really well, of course. Not sure how good Guus is at mentoring IT support staff.
Likely fate
Last in their group. Which means there's unfortunately no chance that Australia will get to meet these clowns and fuck with their shit, as deserves to happen after Coach Arena (as the Americans typically sanctify their coaches) called out the Aussies pre-World Cup draw as a team they'd like to meet in the final. To which Australia's response was pretty much along the lines of 'Bring it, you fucken Seppo carnt'. Rank Arena might have been wiser to follow the lead of England's Sven Goin-Homeagain, who said pre-draw that Australia was one of the unseeded teams he definitely didn't want to run into in the first round, along with the Dutch. That probably had something to do with the absolutely shredding he copped after Australia beat England in 2003 - apparently noone had seen fit to inform Sven of the long-standing rivalry between the two nations on and off the sporting field, and he wasn't keen to go through that again in a hurry.
Back to the Seppos, and their travel plans. Should cancel hotel bookings after: shouldn't even bother making them in the first place, just bunk down at the USAF base at Kaiserslautern so they can guarantee a fast flight home...
CZECH REPUBLICWorld ranking: 2
Coach: Karel Bruckner
World Cup record: First appearance (as Czechoslovakia: eight appearances)
Best finish (as Czechoslovakia): Runner-up (1938, 1962)
Last appearance (as Czechoslovakia): Quarterfinals (1990)
World Cup odds: 20-1
How qualified: Beat Norway in European playoffs
Czech mate
This has been coming for a while. The Czechs mightn't have made it to a World Cup since their last name was Slovakia, but they've been lighting up European football for ten years or more. They burst onto the scene as the Czech Republic at Euro 96 in England, with a team built on the swashbuckling play of their enterprising young midfielders, guys like Pavel Nedved, Vladimir Smicer and Karel Poborsky (who in one of their pool games, might have been against the Portuguese, chipped the keeper from almost halfway to score a ludicrously tops goal). Ten years later, all three have been named in the squad for Germany, although former Liverpool star Smicer has had to withdraw with injury. These names have been supplemented with those of newer, emergent stars such as Milan Baros, Tomas Rosicky and the behemoth of Borussia Dortmund, seven-foot-lots tall Jan Koller.
Bouncing Czechs
After reaching the semis of the last Euro tournament, these lads were drawn with the other beaten semifinalists from Portugal '04, the Dutch; cue some bloody good qualifying games between those two. Despite scoring more goals than any other team in European qualifying, the Czechs were bounced out of top place in the group and an automatic place in Germany by the uncharacteristic consistency of the Oranje machine. However, they made short work of Norway in the subsequent playoff and are in good enough form at international level to deserve their current world ranking of second behind the Brazilians.
Czech out this random fact
Aside from their two World Cup final appearances back in the black-and-white days, Czechoslovakia won the 1976 European Championships after a penalty shootout with West Germany. That makes them the only team to have gotten the better of Germany in a penalty shootout in the last 30 years.
No more piss-poor Czech puns, we promise.
Something else the Czechs are fairly decent at...
Playing style
Usually precise, adventurous and entertaining to watch. They do have a habit of panicking when things go stale however, at which point they'll throw on big 'Dino' Koller and go Route One. Given his two-metres-plus stature, it's not a big surprise that Koller actually started out as a goalkeeper. In fact, in one Bundesliga game for Borussia Dortmund against perennial champions Bayern a couple of years ago, Dortmund's keeper Jens Lehmann was sent off (much the same way as he was in the recent Champions League final while representing the Arse) and Koller went in between the sticks, going on to keep a clean sheet for the rest of the match despite the best efforts of the Dog's Ballacks et al, and getting voted top goalkeeper of the week in the Bundesliga. Despite this Koller will be hoping such heroics are unnecessary this summer; with Chelsea keeper Petr Cech in goal for the Republic, he should be pretty safe.
Least useless player
Pavel Nedved came out of international retirement for the Norway playoff to give the Czechs their best possible opportunity of an invite to the big dance. The Juventus winger (who may be looking for a new gig shortly - see above) is a fantastic crosser of a football and pulls the strings very well our of midfield, but his temperament is slightly suspect - on more than one occasion he's dragged a team to the finals of a major tournament, only to collect an excess of yellows en route and be suspended for the final (as happened in the Champions League a few years back.) And as we've learned, for a Juventus player to pick up a caution and subsequently miss a big match through suspension isn't exactly a typical occurrence...
Likely fate
It'll all come down to how they go against Italy, and how both of them deal with the other teams in the group (come on, not even SBS offers this level of analytical insight). If the Azzurri start slowly and fail to get maximum points against Ghana and the US, which isn't out of the realms of possibility given their usual practice, the Czechs could top the group and end up on the Australia-France route. Failing that, if the new-look Italian side continues to rain in the goals, it'll be the Brazil-Spain half of the draw. Neither looks particularly appetising.
Should cancel hotel bookings after: second round, but with the same provisos as for the Italians. Suffice to say that for these boys, there's a lot of uncertainty about when it'll be time to Czech out.
Come on, I had to get one more in before the end...
NOSTRILDRAMAS PREDICTS...
Match schedule (stolen from FIFA, just on principle):
| Match | Date | Venue | Teams | Time | ||
| 9 | 12-Jun-06 | Hanover |  | ITA:GHA |  | 21:00 |
| 10 | 12-Jun-06 | Gelsenkirchen |  | USA:CZE |  | 18:00 |
| 25 | 17-Jun-06 | Kaiserslautern | | ITA:USA | | 21:00 |
| 26 | 17-Jun-06 | Cologne | | CZE:GHA | | 18:00 |
| 41 | 22-Jun-06 | Hamburg | | CZE:ITA | | 16:00 |
| 42 | 22-Jun-06 | Nuremberg | | GHA:USA | | 16:00 |
Match of the round: Has to be CZE:ITA on the 22nd.
Who cares fixture: At a stretch, Ghana vs USA, but it'll still be worth watching to watch yet another team of apparent no-names stuff the Yanks. Should send their bullshit factory into a double-overtime shift.
Take this straight down the TAB, it's as sure as Juventus being awarded a 89th minute penalty:
Italy 2-1 Ghana
USA 0-3 Czech Republic
Italy 4-1 USA
Czech Republic 3-2 Ghana
Czech Republic 0-1 Italy (old school catenaccio in the house, y'all)
Ghana 3-1 USA
Italy top the group despite a slow start (needing a late del Piero winner to overcome Ghana in the group opener.) They get all manner of strife from a feisty Australian side who they beat on penalties, then get their revenge for 1998 by knocking over the French (not the side they once were) in the quarters. In the other side of the draw, the Czechs lose to the Brazilians 5-4 after a dodgy penalty awarded late in extra time by a referee concealing a large cheque hurriedly stuffed into his Nike socks. Somewhere out there in viewerland, Luciano Moggi smiles sinisterly...
NEXT TIME...
Aussie Aussie Aussie, Ja Ja Ja... it's Group F, where a whole lot of teams try to fuck up our sunburnt country's God-given mission to win every major sporting event on the planet.
See you then.
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