Group D
Mexico
Iran
Angola
Portugal
MEXICOWorld ranking: 7 (no, I don't know how the fuck they got that high either)
Coach: Ricardo Lavolpe
World Cup record: 13th appearance
Best finish: Quarterfinals (1970, 1986)
Last appearance: Second round (2002)
World Cup odds: 50-1
How qualified: Second in CONCACAF's final group
Our step-by-step guide to winning the World Cup.
Step 1: Turn up.
When you want a job done right, do what the Americans do. Give it to the Mexicans. And that's certainly the case when the task in question is securing qualification to the World Cup. This will be Mexico's 13th visit to the big show, which is up with the traditional powerhouses - behind only Brazil, Germany, Italy and Argentina, winners of 13 World Cups between them. Indeed, if FIFA World Cups were handed out on the basis of consistent attendance (like, for instance, 'Employee of the Month' plaques or PhDs), Mexico would be a champion already. In reality, Mexico are not much more than last-16 regulars. There or thereabouts, but never really serious contenders.
Host with the most
The only occasions on which Mexico has made it out of the last 16 were the two times they managed to reach the quarter-finals - not at all coincidentally, the two occasions on which they hosted the Big Show, 1970 and 1986. Mexico were the first country to have been awarded hosting rights to two World Cups; in 1986 the WC had actually been awarded to Colombia, but they pulled out after announcing they couldn't actually afford it. In a prime piece of rorting that would have done the IOC proud, FIFA president Joao Havelange presented the Mexico bid with the 1986 hosting rights over the top of the USA contingent (led by Henry Kissinger), and not even a massive earthquake eight months out from kickoff that levelled most of Mexico City (though somehow sparing the famous Azteca Stadium) dissuaded old mate Havalunge.
The Azteca circa the '68 Olympics. Later they got around to putting a lid on it.
Playing style
Latin passion with European structure; the Argentina of CONCACAF, just not as good. Usually well-organised, using a lot of local talent - the Mexican domestic league is particularly strong, their teams are oft at the pointy end of CONCACAF's club tournaments, which is one of the reasons most top Mexican players stay at home rather than heading off to Europe. The other is that the local league pays pretty bloody well by world standards.
Least useless player
Split decision between Rafa Marquez (Barcelona defender of note, though he should lose the ponytail quick smart) and national goalscoring record holder Jared Borgetti of Bolton (yes, another of Big Sam's cheap foreign imports) whose goals got them here and will be needed to get them any further. Other than these, the rest of the squad are mostly domestic players that no bastard will have ever heard of unless they are domiciled in Tijuana.
Likely fate
Mexico did OK last time out at Korea and/or Japan, giving Italy a bastard of a time in the group stage and actually beating them out of first place in Group G, but they went on to lose to their perennial CONCACAF rivals USA in the round of 16. In qualifying for Germany they finished equal on points with the Seppos but the latter had a better goal differential and topped the group. Their draw here is very charitable; if they somehow manage to fail to proceed from this group they are truly fucking useless. However, FIFA's charity ends as the knockout stage begins; they'll either get the Dutch or they'll get the Argies, either way they'll get sent packing. Should cancel hotel bookings after: second round.
IRANWorld ranking: 19
Coach: Branko Ivankovic
World Cup record: Third appearance
Best finish: Yet to make it out of the first round
Last appearance: First round (1998)
World Cup odds: 500-1
How qualified: Second in Asian Group B
And Iran... Iran so far away (couldn't get away)
If there's anything left of it by next month judging by the way Dubya's eyeing off their oil reserves (at least there's a slight chance these lads DO have weapons of mass destruction, or at least something in the vicinity that might set off a Geiger counter), Iran may put in a decent showing at Germany 2006. Traditionally most of their best players turn out for German Bundesliga sides. The core of the team is the same as that pack of arsey bastards who beat us in 1997 - actually they didn't beat us, noone did; we were the only team not to be beaten in qualifying who didn't get to go to France, but that's another story. Point is they're decent, but they're getting on in age. Their world ranking probably reflects the standard of teams they come up against in Asia more than anything. Which is good for Straya as these are the sorts of teams we'll need to knock over regularly in the Asian Cup and in World Cup qualifying.
You bastards
Playing style
Well-organised. With the Germanic influence of their key players, and the Balkan influence of their coach Ivankovic, you can figure they'll try to play in a fairly European style, with solidity across midfield and structure across the back four. Their strength has been having quick and incisive wingers like Mehdi Mahdavikia (who banged in one of their two goals against us at the MCG, and followed this up in France by nailing the matchwinner in their famous victory over the Seppos).
Least useless player
The trio of Mahdavikia, Ali Daei and Ali Karimi will be the backbone of anything Iran put together that's of use. These are their three senior pros, long-term residents in the Bundesliga, who will be responsible for procuring most of the goals. They'll also be very comfortable in their surroundings, given their place of employment.
Likely fate
May give the Mexicans a scare for second in the group, but their best players are probably getting a bit Danny Glover (i.e. too old for this shit) to guarantee anything more than a first-round exit. That's the point at which they should cancel their hotel reservations.
ANGOLAWorld ranking: 62 (and that was on a good day)
Coach: Luis Oliveira Goncalvez
World Cup record: First appearance
World Cup odds: 400-1 (how the hell is it that these boys are shorter odds than Iran? Centrebet, you're having a laugh)
How qualified: Won African Group 4, somehow
Why are you here?
Think Angola and the phrase ‘bloody civil war’ almost automatically springs to mind. One wonders what's so bloody civil about it anyway. Angola is a former Portuguese colony, which will lend a certain intriguing subtext to their first round clash (at least as much as if New Zealand were playing Palau.)
But honestly, who gives a shit. These useless pricks shouldn't be here. Where the fuck is Nigeria you pack of bastards?
Angola are here because Nigeria, the artists of African football, had something of an 'artistic moment' in qualifying. By playing mediocre, consistent football, the Angolans managed to rack up enough points to oust the dazzlingly talented, brilliantly incoherent Nigerians from top spot in the group and a ticket to Germany. For that they deserve our undying contempt. Like Cameroon before them and Senegal since, Nigeria single-handedly lit up the early stages of not one but two world cups, making the quarter-finals at USA 94 against Italy (who needed a Roberto Baggio wonderstrike in the dying minutes to beat them) and playing the match of the tournament at France 98 in the group stages against Spain, beating them 3-2 and effectively knocking them out of the tournament. Think Nigerian football and you see images of guys like Jay Jay Okocha pulling off outrageous rubber-legged breakdancing stunts just for the fun of it, stepovers and Cruyff turns leaving opposition defenders in his wake, years before Ronaldinho got mad props for the same thing. But do we get to see that kind of swashbuckling football insanity this time around?
Okocha about to do make some hapless centre-back look very silly indeed
No. Because Angola won't let us. They could have done us all a favour and lost, so we could have enjoyed seeing the likes of Okocha (who plays for, you guessed it, Bolton), Kanu, Obafemi Martens et al, but no. Instead we get a bunch of talentless arseclowns who warm the benches at shit second-tier sides like Leeds United and a bunch of B-grade Portuguese clubs.
Fuck you Angola, you pack of dicks.
Playing style
Not as good as Nigeria would have been
Least useless player
Idi Amin
(OK he was Ugandan but who gives a fuck)
Likely fate
Arse-last and deservedly so.
PORTUGALWorld ranking: 10
Coach: Luiz Felipe Scolari
World Cup record: Fourth appearance
Best finish: Third place (1966)
Last appearance: First round (2002)
World Cup odds: 20-1
How qualified: Won European Group 3
My dogma's got no nose
The pre-World Cup dogma surrounding is the same now as it ever was: "Portugal have a dynamic, enterprising squad, based around the 'golden generation' which won the 1991 World Youth Cup, and as the 'Brazil of Europe' are every neutral's favourite for a good showing." So runs the standard line about Portugal, Germany 2006. For which you can read Portugal, Euro2004; Portugal, KoreaJapan 2002; Portugal, Euro2000; Portugal, Euro 96... in fact the only reason the same schtick wasn't pedalled out for France 98 was that they didn't qualify. And it's starting to wear a little thin. Every major tournament, Portugal's chances get talked up - the golden generation, the Brazil of Europe etc - and they go on to achieve fuck all. Sure, they do OK at European Championships level - they're currently on an ascendent run which reads quarterfinals 1996, semifinals 2000 and beaten finalists 2004, boding well for the next Euro tournament in Austria and Switzerland in 2008 (sorry, that should be AustriaSwitzerlandUEFAEuro2008™) - but they haven't managed to make it out of the first round at the World Cup at any time of asking since their remarkable debut in 1966, when they made the semis under the leadership of the legendary Eusebio. Last time out they even lost to the Seppos. The Seppos, for Christ's sake!
The Generation Gap
The problem with the 'golden generation' is that the only thing golden they've received recently (run with me on this one, OK?) are gold retirement watches. They've all wobbled to the end of their international careers and hung up their boots. That famous collection of talented names - Luis Figo, Rui Costa, Abel Xavier, Fernando Couto, Vitor Baia, Jorge Costa, Sergio Conceicao, Joao Pinto, Paulo Sousa, etc etc etc - are all ancient has-beens. They had their big chance and they blew it. The entire Euro2004 tournament, which Portugal hosted, was set up explicitly for them to win. They only had to beat Greece in the final. Greece, for Zeus' sake. Greece, whose last significant achievement in international sport was winning the original marathon - and the dude carked it moments thereafter so it was something of a Pyrrhic victory (OK now I'm mixing my historical metaphors but the point remains). Greece, who’d never won anything in international football and usually struggled to even qualify. Sure enough, for World Cup 2006, Greece haven't qualified. Because the entire Greek team are still woefully hungover from the 12-month party they threw, after beating Portugal, in Portugal, to become Champions of Europe. Meaning the much-vaunted Portuguese 'golden generation', most of whom retired after that match, amounted at the end of the day to two fifths of bugger all. Luis Figo, these days of Inter Milan, is pretty much the only survivor of the allegedly golden generation still waddling about the place.
The many faces of Abel Xavier, all of them frightening to small children
The irony is that the generation which followed these guys will probably turn out to be as good if not better. They have an excellent defensive backbone in Paulo Ferreira, Maniche and Ricardo Carvalho - three key elements of the Champions League-winning Porto team which their coach Jose 'The Special One' Mourinho brought across with him as hand luggage on the flight to Chelsea - as well as vibrant young attackers such as Deco and Ronaldo. Yes, Portugal have their very own cut-price version of Ronaldo - skinnier, spottier and even more prone to toppling over in the area for no apparent reason.
Childish giggle of the Weak
Like the Brazilians, with whom they share a language, many Portuguese players go by a one-word assumed name. Such as Maniche, Deco, Pauleta and of course their number one goalkeeper, who is called...
Quim.
(Snigger)
Playing style
Formerly characterised as the Brazil of Europe (complete with all the defensive incompetence that tag implies), the involvement of the Special One's triumvirate and the more circumspect tactics employed by 2002 Brazilian World Cup winning coach Luis Felipe 'Big Phil' Scolari has dampened down the legendary enthusiasm and injected some much-needed steel into their play, without which they'd never had made the final of Euro2004. As discussed in previous Weaks, Big Phil was actually offered the England job (his interview would have basically involved him standing in front of the FA and flopping it out - it being his World Cup winners’ medal, of course) - and Large-And-In-Charge Phil said he'd think about it. After 24 hours of having the massed ranks of the English tabloid infantry parked on his doorstep taking telephoto snaps through his toilet window, Big Phil rang the FA back and said Fark That.
Least useless player
Abel Xavier and his interpretive hair has been replaced by Deco and his interpretive nationality. Barcelona's Deco (Anderson Luis de Silva to his mother) began life as a Brazilian, but decided 'Bollocks to that' following his arrival in Portugal in 1997 as a 19-year-old triallist with Benfica. He later ended up at FC Porto under The Special One, who turned him into a very useful number 10 in the Maradona mould - short, stocky, gifted and arrogant, with a penchant for getting stuck right in, particularly when he turned his hand (or more aptly his studs) to defence - for most of his years at Porto he picked up as many cards as goals, but they did manage to win the UEFA Cup and the Champions League in successive years. The inevitable big-money move took him to Barcelona in the summer of 2004. Regardless of form he was never picked for the Brazilian national side, and ended up qualifying to play for Portugal on residency in 2002. Despite an outcry among fans, and the opposition of several key players including Luis Figo, Deco was picked for Portugal. His first game for the national team: a friendly. Against Brazil. In which he scored the winner. Following the events of last Thursday morning, Deco is now the proud owner of two Champions League medals... one more than a certain L. Figo of Milan, Italy.
Likely fate
Portugal are plenty good and tough enough to top this group with their eyes shut, their arms tied behind their backs and their arses on fire. Mexico is probably the most similar outfit in the group in terms of tactics and approach, but the superior individual skill of the Portuguese should carry the day. However, the psychological letdown of massively ballsing up their big chance at winning a major tournament, by choking in the Euro2004 final at home, will end up stifling their run here. Without the crutch of home support, they won't be good or tough enough to beat Argentina or the Netherlands, either of whom they will likely meet in the round of 16. Should cancel hotel bookings after: right about then.
NOSTRILDRAMAS PREDICTS...
Match schedule (stolen from Sepp Blatter, the fat old clown):
| Match | Date | Venue | Teams | Time | ||
| 7 | 11-Jun-06 | Nuremberg |  | MEX:IRN |  | 18:00 |
| 8 | 11-Jun-06 | Cologne |  | ANG:POR |  | 21:00 |
| 23 | 16-Jun-06 | Hanover | | MEX:ANG | | 21:00 |
| 24 | 17-Jun-06 | Frankfurt | | POR:IRN | | 15:00 |
| 39 | 21-Jun-06 | Gelsenkirchen | | POR:MEX | | 16:00 |
| 40 | 21-Jun-06 | Leipzig | | IRN:ANG | | 16:00 |
Match of the round: Mexico-Portugal is about as watchable as it gets
Who cares fixture: Everything else
Down the TAB with you old son:
Mexico 2-1 Iran
Angola 0-9 Portugal (conservative estimate)
Mexico 4-0 Angola
Portugal 3-0 Iran
Portugal 2-1 Mexico
Iran-Angola... I mean, seriously, who really gives a shit
Portugal and Mexico progress to the next round, and are not heard from again.
As for Iran and Angola, fuck 'em.
NEXT TIME...
Last time it was the Group of Death, this time the Group of Bored-to-Death; next time we visit the Group of Deaf, where the USA shout endlessly about how brilliant they are at soccer, while everyone else takes a quiet glance at their major opposition - Italy and the Czech Republic - and murmurs "You guys are fucked."
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