Ferris Bueller's Rip Off

The '80s. They were shit then and they're shit now; like most things, they don't taste any better on regurgitation. Yet the '80s revival - driven by Gen-Y kidlets who weren't born then and Gen-X-ers from the special needs end of the bellcurve who were and somehow got the impression there was anything there worth revisiting - shows no sign of abating. From crap New Wave influenced indie-pop to fuck-dreadful faahhhshun fails inclusive of Big Shirts With Big Words On Them eg FRANKIE SAYS FUCK OFF and high-waisted jean shorts more reminiscent of a denim nappy than anything you'd actually want to see pert twenty-something arse in. And, of course, a metric fucktonne of throwback and recycled fillum franchises. Still, Hollywood's got to make money somehow, other than actually having a novel idea which is obviously well outside their expected fucking remit.

Which brings us to the inevitable, hideous Ferris Bueller remake.



Nope, it's not even a fillum. Just a fucking Superbowl TV ad for the new Honda CR-V. Which is possibly quite apt, given the Bueller 'franchise reboot' deployed above is at least as dull, beige, mediocre and fucking milquetoast as Honda's worldwide range of motor vehicles. It's a case study in point of how to play it absolutely safe, offend nobody, and as a result, interest even fewer. Although to be fair it's not as if Matthew Broderick's been tripping over his period-canon Reebok Pumps (or even his modern-era fucknormous jowly jowls) to dump the cutesy fluff and immerse himself in edgy arthouse roles. (He's seriously fucking jowly ain't he? Word is his stunt double was an English bulldog.)

Now I'm no keeper of the flame for the Artistic Integrity of the original Ferris Bueller Skives Off; it was a harmless bit of giggly fluff, but it was well put together. However, in their pursuit of Absolute Beige in their Bueller remake, the Honda 'creatives' have managed to strike the editorial pen through the only three worthwhile or entertaining things from the original film:

One, Bueller's desperate Macgyver-esque scramble home to bed to avoid being captured by the fuzz (that being on Principle Douchebag's chin), discovered by his smug-factor-nine parentals or dobbed-in by his sister;

Two, the very-fucking-much-not-a-Honda-CRV item below;


And three, Mia Sara. Obviously.


Though she's probably a touch jowly now herself.

So in summary, fuck the '80s. Wake me up when the '90s are back in. I have a pallet of Lowes flannos and fake Chucks I'm planning to mark up heavily and flog off to Gen Z tweenage hipsters.

The Doctor is OUT.

Tumblarghhh

So, Tumblr. Like fixies with baskets and questionable facial hair, it's a hipster thing. Blogging? Having to come up with more than a few paras of coherent thought? Soooo web 2.0. Which is an irony, given that most of Tumblr is given across to reblogging other people's content, thus demonstrating how much of a gormless, derivative mass your typical e-hipster douche tends to herd in. Of all social media platforms, Tumblr is categorically the most cataclysmically vain, sneering, self-immersed and anti-creative of all. It's safe to say that Your Correspondent will never, as long as my arse points south, have a Tumblr.

Mainly because I can't think of a fucking theme, dammit.

For you HAVE to have a theme for your Tumblr. Whether it's dead dictators doing stuff and/or things, or owls in need of a Powerade and a kebab, Ben Hilfenhaus style, theme is king of Tumblr. And I've got NUTHIN. Nothing that would last more than a handful of posts without petering out to dismality.

If I did have a Tumblr it would be probably called SPOILER ALERT. And it would look something like this:


...At which point I'd already be starting to reblog (an e-hipster term meaning 'steal') content from other sites, a clear sign I'd run out of ideas (a phrase for which there is no e-hipster term). The only response to which would be to start posting pictures of dodgy personalised plates:


That last one was a BMW, but you probably guessed that anyway.

The Doctor is OUT. Of Tumblr ideas, particularly.