I'd like to dedicate this one to the ladies

...Specifically Anne Hathaway.



Yep, the noted Shakespearean actress (see what I did there?) got caught going commando at a recent opening. Of her legs! HAHAHA! Because you could see up her skirt, and that's something that's relevant and exciting to everyone with a mental age of 12 and a masturbation habit bordering on the obsessional.

Not linking the original. It'll take Google Image Search all of 0.015 seconds to find.

Now, I like looking at pretty ladies' rude bits as much as anyone, but seriously, we all outgrew looking up girls' skirts sometime in year 8. OK, year 10. 11? Whatever. It's not cool. And it's fucking bizarre that the only thing keeping the paps who snapped Miss Hath's flaps from upskirting charges is the nebulous status of celebrity. Apparently, it's perfectly alright to capture and coin it in from someone's inadvertent Sharon Stone moment when they're famous. Anyway, she knew this would happen. She chose to dress like that. She figured it was a risk worth taking to avoid the dreaded VPL. She probably wanted the attention. She was asking for it...

That. Shit. Can. Fuck. Right. Off.

And yet the Celebrity Upskirt is an entire industry in itself. Fat sweaty bald men with erect lenses crowd around premiere limos, waiting for a crack. At photographing Hollywood's starlet du jour attempting to navigate herself and her spangly cocktail frock out of the back seat without giving HELLO!, OK! or FUCK OFF!! a double page spread of her gynaecological blueprints. It's cheap, tawdry, exploitative and a sorry statement about gender politics and the economy of celebrity. And there is only one group of people who can save us.

The Mazda motor company.

The core issue, of course, is that conventional car doors open in such a way that to navigate around them en route to your further destination on the red carpet, you are called upon to splay your legs and display your undercarriage. However, certain cars have reverse-opening or 'suicide' doors - old Rolls Royces, certain long-wheelbase New Minis and the Hyundai Veloster, whatever the fuck that is - which hinge from the rear, enabling a demure knees-together sidle-and-swoosh exit for your Anne Hathaway types. Problem is, none of these cars is appropriate for Hollywood premiere duty. The Mini would be too mini, the Hyundai would be too Hyundai and the old Roller would deposit most of its internal fluids over the red carpet as it Failed To Proceed.

However, the Mazda RX-8 would be perfect. And here's why.

Except Mazda have stopped making it. 

THE FOOLS.

DO THEY NOT REALISE THEY COULD STRIKE A FEARSOME BLOW FOR FEMINISM BY RELEASING A NEW VERSION DESIGNED FOR CHICKS WHO CAN'T BE ARSED WEARING KNICKERS TO THE MOVIES???

Also, it's got a fucken rotor, and rotors are where it's at.*

Get to it, Mazda. Hollywood is calling.

The Doctor is OUT.

*The Duffer, In The Worst Possible Taste