G is for Golden Generation

Like opinions and arseholes, everyone's got one.

Group G

France

Switzerland

Korea Republic (South Korea)

Togo

FRANCE
World ranking: 5
Coach: Raymond Domenech
World Cup record: 11th appearance
Best finish: Champion (1998)
Last appearance: First round (2002)
World Cup odds: 12-1
How qualified: Won European Group 4



The French: a bunch of coqs
We'll begin with this Weak's theme: golden generations. France's original golden generation was basically one bloke. Aforesaid bloke was one Michel Platini, who led the French side of the mid 1980s to consecutive World Cup semi-final appearances in 1982 and 1986, which bookended their win as hosts of Euro 84. As captain, Platini scored nine goals in five games at Euro 84, six more than the next best marksman in the tournament. This included hat-tricks in two of France's three group stage games, a 119th minute extra-time winner against Portugal in the semi, and the opening goal in the final which they won two-blot over Spain. To no-one's great surprise, Platini was European and World Player of the Year for most of the mid-1980s. In retirement, he led the France 98 hosting bid, which also shat it in. These days his younger, hairier mid-80s self has been reanimated for an Adidas street football commercial, where he faces off against a bunch of modern-day greats of the game, and David Beckham.

France 98 saw the ascension of the second génération d'or (Jesus Christ aren't we pretentious) of French football, when their team, spearheaded by Zinedine Zidane, mugged Brazil in the final and pinched their lunch money. This was pretty much the only occasion on which a team has won the World Cup with absolutely no strikers whatsoever; they even started the final with the monstrously useless Stephane Guivarch up front. The same squad, plus a couple of recognised (or at least recognisable) front-men in Arse's Terry Harry and Juve's Daniel Trez-R-Gay went on to win Euro 2000 two years later on an aforementioned dodgy golden goal over the Italians.

This amounts to the only major international tournament which France has managed to win away from home - and, let's face it, the Benelux nations ain't exactly a long-haul flight from Charles de Gaulle airport. Two years later, in Korea and/or Japan, they were ranked as favourites but were pantsed in the opener against Senegal (a.k.a. 'France B'), and went home on the early flight without scoring a single goal, much less winning a single game. Despite this they were still among the favourites to win Euro 2004, but were beaten in the quarter-finals by the eventual surprise winners Greece.

Lesson: France are a decent side when they want to be, but they travel like week-old prawns.

Precious? Moi?
Les Bleus' preparations for Germany 2006 have begun inauspiciously with a documentary on French TV channel TF1 following events at their high altitude training camp in the French Alps, which portrayed the team and players as precious, aloof and distant. The programme contained a number of scenes of stony-faced players ignoring fans, with the reporter suggesting they had been instructed to behave like that by the French team management. "I can't let that pass - it was presented as if we were holed up in a bunker," stormed French coach Raymond Domenech. "As if we'd forbid the players to be approached by the public. It's wrong. The players have always respected the fans. It's absolutely scandalous to portray things like that," he added. His toys-pram-dissociation-event came the day after France and in particular keeper Fabien 'The Goateed Penis' Barthez and midfielder Vikash Dhorasoo (dhorasoo the fuck is he, you may ask) were whistled and booed during their dour 1-0 World Cup warm-up win over Mexico in front of a packed house of 80,000 at the Stade de France in Paris two Saturdays ago. Bayern Munich defender Willy Sagnol denied the team were deliberately trying to piss off the punters. "It's not us that are looking for enemies - we find them every day in the media or by going to the Stade de France and hearing all that whistling," he said. "We're not paranoid [doesn't sound like it at all, Willy...] but everyone agrees that Saturday's game wasn't important, that it served only as a preparation game... and yet now we can feel there's dissatisfaction and disappointment about the French team." However, a couple of days later the French side rocked up to the Felix-Bollaert stadium in Lens (a northern mining town where Robbie Slater used to ply his axe-heavy trade as a winger for RC Lens; in terms of the town itself, think Newcastle without the Johns boys - Andrew, Matthew or Daniel) and beat Denmark 2-0 (goals to Thierry Henry and Sylvain Wiltord) in front of a raucously supportive provincial crowd who cheered them all the way - proving that the problem was less that the team were perceived by the public as arrogant or self-obsessed; more that Parisians are complete pains in the arse.

Get back on the bus, Wishart
In conjunction with sponsors Hyundai, FIFA ran a competition through their website to find slogans for the 32 competing teams at the World Cup, which were to be plastered across the flanks of the respective national team coaches (i.e. their bus, not the shouty guy with the clipboard). All of the winners were the sort of turding rubbish you'd expect (case in point, the US: 'United we play, united we win'. Yawn.) The only vaguely clever or amusing effort was the one which the French came up with:















I did say it was only vaguely clever or amusing.


The Madness of King Eric
The highest-profile omission from the France 98 squad, other than anyone answering to the job description 'centre forward', was lunatic genius Eric Cantona. Here we present the edited highlights of the life of Eric the King (full version available online via Wikipedia).

After his early career was interrupted by national service the year that Platini was captaining les Bleus to glory in Euro 84, Cantona was part of the French under-21 side that won the 1988 U21 European Championship and shortly after that success, he transferred to Olympique Marseilles for a then-French-record fee. Fairly early in proceedings, his ludicrously short fuse made itself known. During a friendly game against Torpedo Moscow (a club, not Ronnie Reagan’s foreign policy) Cantona ripped off and threw away his jersey after being substituted. His club responded by banning him for a month. A few weeks later he insulted the coach of the national team, Henri Michel (now driving the Coté d’Ivoire bus) on live TV and despite apologising was banned from internationals for a year.

Cantona moved to Bordeaux on loan and then to Montpellier. At Montpellier, a fight with one of his team-mates led to six players demanding that Cantona be sacked. However, with the support of team-mates such as Carlos ‘The Paddle Pop Lion’ Valderrama and Laurent Blanc (later French captain at the 1998 World Cup), the club retained his services and Cantona was instrumental as the team went on to win the French Cup. His form persuaded Marseille to take him back. At Marseille however, Cantona was continually at odds with the chairman Bernard Tapie (later proven to be dodgier than a three dollar note) and despite helping the team win the Ligue 1 title, was punted to lowly Nimes the following season. During a game he threw the ball at the referee, having been angered by one of his decisions; the French FA banned him for a month. Cantona responded by casting aspersions on the parentage of each member of the FA’s disciplinary panel, and his ban was increased to 2 months. For Cantona this was the last straw and he decided to retire from football in 1991. Aged, um, twenty-five.

However following pressure from high profile football fans Cantona was persuaded to make a comeback and moved to England to restart his career, joining Leeds United, where he helped them win the old First Division championship in season 1991-92, the year before Rupert Murdoch bought everyone and everything to subsequently invent the Premier League. The following November, he moved to Manchester United for the surprisingly small fee of 1.2 million pounds. Cantona basically carried the Red Devils to their first two Premiership titles, including the ‘double’ in 1994; Cantona scored two goals in the four-nil FA Cup final thrashing of Chelsea. The only possible thing that could derail the Man U juggernaut was another patented Cantona brain explosion. Surely not?

Erm...













In January 1995, in an away match against perennially shit Crystal Palace, Cantona was sent off for a tackle on Palace defender Richard Shaw. Baited by the crowd, he vaulted the barricade and launched a 'kung-fu' style kick against one particularly abusive Palace fan who was giving it the large ones. At a press conference called later, Cantona gave what is perhaps his most famous quote. As the journalists gathered to hear him speak, Cantona entered the room, sat down and said, in a slow and deliberate manner: "When the seagulls... follow the trawler... it's because they think... sardines will be thrown... into the sea". He then got up from his seat and left. For being as mad as a cut snake as much as anything else, he was sentenced to 120 hours of community service after an appeal court overturned a 2 week prison sentence for assault. He was also suspended by the FA until the following October.

Everyone pretty much figured that was it for Cantona in English football, but Alex Ferguson persuaded him to stay. Cantona was once again left to carry the team on his return early in the 1995/96 season, after United sold a bunch of key players in the summer and replaced them with youth team kiddies (useless hacks and no-names, mostly - Beckham, Scholes, Giggs, Neville, those sorts of clowns.) Cantona scored a penalty against Liverpool in his first game back, and his goals helped United to recapture the league having been twelve points behind Newcastle United in January, virtually going on a one man crusade for the championship title - usually 1-0 wins for United with Cantona the goal scorer. Fittingly, he also scored the same 1-0 winning goal in that year's FA Cup Final, again against Liverpuddle. After Man U retained the premiership in the 1996-97 season, Cantona had won six league titles in seven years, the exception being the 1995 season which he had largely missed through suspension. At the end of the season, he surprisingly announced his retirement from football at the age of 30. Shortly afterwards, he became captain of the French National Beach Football team.

These days Eric the King is kept busy by his acting commitments, split evenly between French art-house films and Nike commercials, and unloading yet more verbal nuggets of absolute gold; Cantona was always good for a quote in his playing days (calling French midfielder Didier Deschamps a ‘water carrier’ springs to mind) and little has changed in retirement. In 2006 the Sun newspaper reported Cantona as saying that Manchester United had lost their soul and that the current players were a bunch of sheep. The Old Trafford idol reckoned the days of maverick entertainers like himself and George Best were gone and feared the Red Devils were betraying their past by putting out boring, functional teams. Then again, as Cantona was quoted a few years back: “I might have said that, but on the whole I talk a lot of rubbish.”

In the end, however, Cantona's story can probably best be summed in the words of others:
George Best: "I'd give all the champagne I've ever drunk to be playing alongside him in a big European match at Old Trafford." Uh, yeah.
Roy Keane: "Collar turned up, back straight, chest stuck out, he glided into the arena as if he owned the fucking place.” To which the known universe replies: Keano, it takes one to know one.

Playing style
Haughty.

Least useless player
Zizou Zidane, on his international comeback slash swansong, and Thierry Henry, who's yet to really take charge of a major tournament, are the obvious names. However the name which could end up being just as significant is that of Liverpuddle striker Djibril Cisse, and not just because it sounds like 'dribbling sissy'. The wacky-haired Merseyside funster has made a late run to unseat Juve's Trez-R-Gay as Henry's striking partner, and will need to be in the goals for France to amount to anything in Germany.














The only man on the Liverpool squad with stupider hair than Harry Kewell...
(photo possibly doctored)


















...though he 'manned up' bravely when THIS happened.
Maybe not so much of the dribbling sissy.

Likely fate
France struggled to qualify until veterans ZZ Top, Lilian Thuram (he of the girly name and two-goal bag vs the Cros in the '98 semi) and Claude Makelele returned to the team. As well, Domenech has busted out a couple of highly random selections among his 23-man squad, including Newcastle United's Jean-Alain Boumsong (who the entire football-watching nation of England understands to be absolutely rubbish) and Pascal Chimbonda, an unlikely cult hero at Wigan in their first season in the top flight - at least until he handed in his transfer request at full time on the last day of the season (according to his irate manager Paul Jewell, he pulled it out of his sock, along with a nice note thanking the team for the opportunity to get himself into the Premiership shop window.) Basically, with the aging leaders and the random newcomers, you could get anything with these guys. Their draw isn't too shabby, at least until the quarters where they'll probably run into, and get run over by, the winners of the Italy-Czech Republic stoush in Group E. Should cancel hotel bookings after: the quarters.



SWITZERLAND
World ranking: 36
Coach: Koebi Kuhn
World Cup record: Eighth appearance
Best finish: quarterfinals (1934, 1938, 1954)
Last appearance: Second round (1994)
World Cup odds: 80-1
How qualified: Beat Turkey in European playoff

Génération d'or in '54
Swiss football shares an unlikely parallel with Prime Minister for Life, John-Boy 'We hates faggots in these parts' Howard, in that both are looking desperately back to the 1950s for the last time they were in any way relevant. The last time Switzerland were decent at football, Elvis was in the Army. Having won the silver medal at the 1924 Olympics and reaching the quarter-finals in the pre-war tournaments in 1934 and 1938, they again made it to the final eight when they hosted the 1954 event. Leading 3-0 against Austria, they somehow managed to capitulate 7-5, letting the Austrians into the semi-finals at their expense. (Ah, them were the days of 4-2-4 formations and absolutely no defending whatsoever...) Neither country has achieved more than bugger-all since, both only intermittent qualifiers for the big tournaments. Switzerland did make it to the round of sixteen on their last finals appearance at USA 94, but fell 3-0 against Spain (Barca's Luis Enrique hitting a ripper as part of the Spanish armada). In a neat synergy/convergence/insert wankword of preference here, Austria and Switzerland are co-hosting Euro 2008. Meaning both will actually make it to the tournament, for once. Probably. The 1954 final was held in the dubiously named Wankdorf stadium, still in use today as the home ground of Swiss first division side Young Boys Berne. Indeed a recent UEFA Cup debacle where Young Boys shipped a bunch of goals at home was met with a now apocryphal headline on ESPN's Soccertwat.com: YOUNG BOYS WANKDORF SHAME.












One of Switzerland's few tangible contributions to world football: the metaphor-of-choice for leaky defences used by woefully unimaginative commentators (the same types who, when a striker balloons a shot well over the bar from ten yards out, manage to come up with ‘He’ll be disappointed with that’.)

Playing style
Nothing spectacular, but well-sorted, compact and reliable, particularly in defence. Not as reliable as a Swiss watch, not as versatile as a Swiss Army knife, but not as permeable as Swiss cheese. So shut the fuck up with the cliched metaphors already you pack of arseclowns.

Least useless player
In a team without anyone you'd call an established star, striker Alexander Frei is your man. Looking forward, the presence of youngsters Tranquillo Barnetta (Bayer Leverkusen) and Philippe Senderos (The Arse™) may be a pointer to promising times to come; both of these lads were part of the youth team which claimed UEFA's European U-17 Championship honours in 2002. A golden generation yet to come, maybe?

Likely fate
Despite their journeyman lineup and their average turnout at Euro 2004 - drawn with France and England, ended up bottom of group B with only a goalless draw with the Cro's to show for their endeavour - these lads could be quite handy. Before the playoff with Turkey, Switzerland had gone a full year (14 games) through qualifying undefeated. The playoff itself was very willing, with crowd violence, two-footed tackles and even the odd all-in-brawl in the players' tunnel; despite going down 4-2 in Istanbul, the Swiss showed a lot of backbone (more than in WWII, perhaps... oohh, risky) to come back 2-0 and win the tie on away goals. Their decent form has carried over into their warmup games, comfortably beating Scotland and China 3-1 and 4-1, as well as drawing 1-1 with fellow cupgoers Italy and Ivory Coast. Their draw is pretty favourable and they should have enough to shade the South Koreans for second in the group. That's about all they'll get out of the tournament, unless the Spanish maintain their reputation for appalling capitulations at international level when they encounter each other in the Round of 16. Should cancel hotel bookings after: second round.



SOUTH KOREA
World ranking: 29
Coach: Dick Advocaat
World Cup record: Seventh appearance
Best finish: Semifinals (2002)
Last appearance: Semifinals (2002)
World Cup odds: 300-1
How qualified: Second in Asian Group A

Once were warriors
South Korea's national team is known as the Taeguk Warriors, and not coincidentally have been playing about as well as the Warriors in recent times. The hangover following their astounding run to the semi-finals at home in the 2002 World Cup (helmed by incumbent Socceroo coach Guus Hiddink) has lasted long into preparations for Germany 2006. South Korea struggled to make it here, and ended up signing another big-name Dutch coach in Dick Advocaat after reaching the tournament for the seventh time. However, memories of that ludicrous run of form four years ago, where they beat Spain and Italy in the knockout stages, might just spark something. (But probably not).

Bum steer
Long before the glory days of 2002, The Man in terms of Korean football was Cha Bum-Kun, whose name sounds rude but isn’t. Still South Korea's record goalscorer to this day, Cha had a long career in the German Bundesliga in the late 70s and 80s, winning the UEFA Cup with both Eintract Frankfurt and Bayer Leverkusen. Aside from his national team record he has also scored more goals than any other foreigner in the German league (98 in 308 games) and is widely regarded as the best player ever to come out of Asia. His record was not so good as national coach however - at France 98 he was driving the bus but was given a Bum steer after a 5-0 hammering from the Dutch. He subsequently claimed that his players didn’t turn up because they weren’t paid to perform like they were in the South Korean domestic K-League, in which all the games were fixed... which got him banned for 5 years by the Korean football federation. He's now back coaching in the K-League, a little more reticent about making such statements.

Playing style
The total football style of Dutch football seems to work well with the determination and energy of South Korea, judging by Hiddink's impact in his brief time in charge. Unfortunately for the southerners, Advocaat is at best a poor-man's Hiddink. Vaguely resembling a pudgier version of Graham Henry, Advocaat was twice coach of Holland, ten years apart (1992-94 and 2002-04). His second instalment as Oranje squeezer was marked by his being thoroughly slagged off by the Dutch press at Euro 2004, particularly after he pulled off Arjen Robben (hey!) and slung on the ragged old shell of Paul Bosvelt (who he?) in his place midway through the group stage game against the Czech Republic - the equivalent of trading in your shiny new Lotus Exige for a 1982 Datsun Bluebird. Without Robben carving up their midfield, the Czechs came back from 2-0 down to pinch a draw. Capitulating 2-1 in the semi to their Portuguese hosts didn’t help his cause, and he was given the arse at the end of the tournament.

Least useless player
We'd like to nominate the Golden Generation of 2002 as Korea's least useless player. What a fuckin' cop-out, you might say, and you'd be right. To pin it down to the individual rather than the collective, the key man then as now is winger/attacking MFer (that's midfielder, kids) Park Ji-Sung, who these days turns out for premiership also-rans Man U Gotta Sign A Decent Striker Cos Ruud's Shite. Park Ji-Sung is the undisputed heavyweight of Korean football in terms of popularity, largely thanks to the massive Asian profile of the club he plays for. Historically, Park set a precedent by being the first Korean player ever to be picked up by a Japanese J-League club without first serving his apprenticeship in the local K-League, when he was signed up by the awesomely named Kyoto Purple Sanga. He rose to international stardom via scoring against France and England in pre-World Cup 2002 friendlies, then netting the winner in South Korea's group stage match vs Portugal, which sent the Taeguk Warriors on their way towards their date with destiny. Post-KoreaJapan, Park and national team colleague Lee Young-Pyo (now at Spurs) joined PSV Eindhoven under Guus, then went on to fame and fortune in the premiership. Not as technically gifted as some, Park's reputation is based on his marathon runner fitness levels - PSV teammates used to reckon he had an oxygen tank strapped to his back; since reaching Old Trafford, Man U fans have nicknamed him Park Three-Lung.




















No shit - they really are called Kyoto Purple Sanga.
That's gold.

Of course any discussion of the golden generation of 2002 can't be complete without mention of old mate Ahn Jung Hwan who scored the extra-time winner in the Round of 16 against Italy, and was subsequently given the arse by the Italian Serie A club which paid his wages. Understanding, temperate lot, the Italians. At the time Ahn's extra-time header dumped the three-time champions from the World Cup, he was on loan at Italian league side Perugia. The next day, Perugia owner Luciano Gaucci was quoted by the Italian daily La Gazzetta dello Sport as saying, "I am not going to pay the salary of a guy who has been the ruin of Italian soccer." Perugia later took back what they said, and offered to buy Ahn's contract outright, but Ahn told them to stick it contra-laterally, stating, "I will no longer discuss my transfer to Perugia, which attacked my character instead of congratulating me for a goal in the World Cup." Despite such high-handedness Ahn subsequently couldn’t make it work in Europe, initially heading back to the J-League, but is now at Bundesliga club MSV Duisberg and will probably end up somewhere even less suckworthy after the finals. Ahn is known as ‘Lord of the Ring’ after his goal celebration of kissing his marriage ring - then again when you’re married to a former Miss Korea you’d be moderately happy that you went through with signing up to the old ball-and-chain.

Likely fate
Given South Korea's recent form, a return trip to the semifinals is just not gonna happen; they'll probably not even make it out of the group. They only made the quarters of the 2004 Asian Cup, and finished fourth and last in the 2005 East Asian Cup, beaten not only by perennial rivals Japan, but their backward-arsed Northern brethren, as well as China who actually won the whole thing, the first silverware they’ve ever won in international competition. South Korea proceeded to stagger through World Cup qualifying like a drunk with gastric, edging out renown Asian power Uzbekistan for second in Group B behind the Saudis. Last week, in a warm-up friendly with Ghana (who noone are expecting a lot from in Germany) they were caned 3-1. Note to self for future reference: Straya are going to have NO trouble qualifying for the big show in 2010 against these clowns. In the battle for second in the group, these lads probably won't have their shit together in sufficient order and quality in order to outpoint the well-organised Swiss contingent. Should cancel hotel bookings after: first round.



TOGO
World ranking: 56
Coach: Otto Pfister
World Cup record: First appearance
World Cup odds: 400-1.
How qualified: Bloody good question. Won African Group 1, actually. Ahead of fairly-good teams like Senegal. I'm guessing they were as surprised as anyone.

I love the rains down in Africa…
Togo were possibly the biggest surprise of the African qualifying campaign, and will be a frankly fuckin' massive surprise if they make it out of the first round. In the lead-up to Germany, Togo were the first team to turn up. Surely that's gotta count for something. Actually the ugly German weather (as distinct from the ugly Germans, i.e. the Schumachers) and a chicken-pox scare have conspired to undermine Togo's FIFA World Cup Germany 2006™ preparations. Togo were forced to train on an artificial pitch at their training camp due to driving hail and temperatures that plummeted to 10 degrees celsius, but it was the discovery of the potentially contagious chicken-pox in the camp that has most worried the west African nation. They may have to bust out the witch doctor action to be right for the finals. Speaking of which...

From our ‘Oh for fuck’s sake surely not’ file
If the predictions of the chief voodoo priest of Togo are true, the Sparrowhawks (now THAT’s a fuck-off manly nickname for your national team) stand on the verge of a historic 2006 FIFA World Cup Germany 2006 Etc™ campaign. The spirits have apparently let it be known that Togo, in their first-ever appearance at the tournament, will overcome Korea Republic and France to qualify for the round of 16. You heard it here first. (Actually you would have heard it on FIFAWorldCup.com first and here second because we blatantly ripped the motherfucker off). "We'll be performing miracles all over the pitch. The ancestral spirits say that Togo will go far in this World Cup," insists Togbui Assiogbo Gnagblondjro III, chief voodoo priest of Togo and freelance Scrabble clue. In his village of Vogan, 45 kilometres from Lome (the capital, not that tattooed Samoan dude Fa’atau who plays wing for the Hurricanes), the priest has already foreseen that the West Africans will defeat Korea Republic and France in the group stage of Germany 2006. He will only be able to predict the scores two days before each match, which will totally bugger up his chances in the village tipping comp which closes on Friday. By then, Togbui Assiogbo Gnagblondjro III will have arrived in Germany with all of his spiritual paraphernalia because, as he explains: "I cannot simply stay in Togo and say that we’ll win. But Togo are going to win! By the way, please don’t lock me up with Tom Cruise and that loonie shaman dude from Ecuador, those guys are fuckin’ fruit loops.” The priest is not alone in looking to the spirits for support. One German company has just launched a voodoo doll to which fans can pin the flag of the country they want to curse. A number of mail-order websites have already sold out of the dolls due to unforeseen demand. The Weak in Sport have already put our order in for the Seppos, as you'd expect.

















Due to an unforeseen typographical error it turns out these guys will be playing France on June 23. The dude on the far right will be marking Thierry Henry.


Playing style
Typical random African chaos-masquerading-as-more-chaos, right down to the obscure ruddy-faced Eastern European (or in this case German) coach shouting a lot to no apparent effect whatsoever.

Least useless player
Golden generation? You're kidding, right? If Togo ever had one, this is probably it. As you’d expect from a side out of French-speaking West Africa, most of their players are based at French (largely Ligue 2) or Belgian/Swiss club sides. Their most prominent expatriate is Emmanuel Adebayor of Arsenal, who's the national team's highest scorer. Adebayor will carrying squad number 4 into the cup, which may give uninformed viewers the mistaken impression he can defend his way out of a wet paper bag. In recent times the lanky bugger (think Kanu ten years younger) has played bugger-all for the Arse so he should be pretty fresh. However he can probably take the blame for the side's lousy showing at this year's African Cup of Nations, which was precipitated by his personality clash with then-coach Stephen Keshi (now given the boot in favour of Otto, who may or may not lurrve to get blotto.) In pre-tournament interviews, Adebayor has declared he and the Sparrowhawks are over their African Cup troubles and are very much up for it, announcing that the game with France is ‘D-Day for us.’ As of Tuesday, mon pere, you’re just the 62 years late with it being D-Day for France as well.

Likely fate
Not overly promising. Togo have never made it out of the first round at either the World Cup (this being their first visit) or the African Cup of Nations (7 visits, including 2006 where they finished last in their group - won by Cameroon - and didn’t even win a game, after the team imploded.) Well might you ask how the fuck did these lads get here? Answer: the long way. Being unseeded, Togo had to play-off against Equatorial Guinea for the right to qualify for the qualifying tournament. Once there, they managed to top their group with 7 wins from 10 games, ahead of World Cup 2002 quarterfinalists-on-debut Senegal (slayers of the French) and a bunch of other countries with green, red and yellow flags (hey this is Africa after all). Despite their ill health and poor African Cup form, they recorded a big 4-0 win in a warm-up friendly match overnight… against Swiss umpteenth-division club Wangen. Methinks they’re wangen off if they think this is an impressive result, particularly considering they lost to the Saudis 1-0 last month. Then again the Taeguks struggled against the oilmen in qualifying so it might be a decent stoush for the wooden spoon in Group G. Should cancel hotel bookings after: first round.


NOSTRILDRAMAS PREDICTS...

Match Schedule (stolen from FIFAWorldCupOwnsYourArse.com):

Match	Date	Venue	Teams			Time
13	13-Jun-06	Stuttgart		FRA:SUI		18:00
14	13-Jun-06	Frankfurt		KOR:TOG		15:00
29	18-Jun-06	Leipzig		FRA:KOR		21:00
30	19-Jun-06	Dortmund		TOG:SUI		15:00
45	23-Jun-06	Cologne		TOG:FRA		21:00
46	23-Jun-06	Hanover		SUI:KOR		21:00

Match of the round: France vs Switzerland on the 13th - one of the few apparently competitive games in the first series of matches (usually the big-ticket matchups are the last game in each group). Probably won't be a great spectacle but will tell us a lot about where the French are at this time around. Last time they turned up with much fanfare etc and were stuffed 3-0 by Senegal. Which was funnier than hitting Eddie McGuire with a stick.

Who cares fixture: Togo vs South Korea earlier that afternoon - won't matter much in the scheme of things but might be a decent scrap.

Take this down to old mate Togbui Assiogbo Gnagblondjro III's place, wave it under his nose and show him how it's done:
France 2-0 Switzerland
South Korea 2-1 Togo
France 3-1 South Korea
Togo 1-2 Switzerland
Togo 0-4 France
Switzerland 1-0 South Korea

France qualify comfortably and deal with the leftovers from Group H (probably the Ukraine) without a great deal of trouble, despite Shevchenko's efforts. They run into Italy in the quarters, in a rematch of their France 98 QF. This time, they ain't good enough.

The Swiss get through in second and play Spain, who despite trying very, very hard to suck, somehow live to fight another day... and get dealt to in the quarters by Brazil.


NEXT TIME...
The chequered flag is in sight - and speaking of chequered, we discuss the history of Spanish football, along with the prospects of the Ukraine, the Saudis and the Tunisians.