OK, so at least now we know who to blame. It's not the Italians, because they can't help themselves - accusing an Italian of being a diver is like accusing a fish of being damp.
It's clearly not the Spanish, because the Spanish referee has since been appointed to officiate the Brazil-France game so obviously HE didn't do anything wrong (indeed, he added sinisterly, he did exactly what he was told...)
No, as always, there's a clear culprit, and it's the same one as usual. Fuckin' New Zealand.
By now you'll probably have heard of Huang Jianxiang, China's most popular television football commentator who has been forced to apologise for an extraordinary outburst of anti-Strayan bias during his call of the Italy-Australia game. Huang, who was commentating for an audience of millions on state-run CCTV, practically jizzed in his trou when Fabio Grosso fell over like a pissed ice-skater and the wogs 'won' a penalty. Translated (cheers SMH.com.au) his tirade, screamed at soprano pitch, ran a little something like this:
"A penalty kick! A penalty kick! A penalty kick! Grosso has made a great contribution, Grosso has made a great contribution! He doesn't give Australia any chance at all. The Australian team can go home much earlier now! What an amazing Italian left full back! He has inherited Italy's honourable tradition. He has been embodied with Facchetti, Cabrini and Maldini. Grosso himself represents Italy's long history and tradition of soccer. At this moment, he is not fighting by himself, he is not alone!
[After Totti converted the penalty] "He kicked the goal! Goooooal! Game over! Italy win! Beat the Australians! They do not fall in front of Hiddink again! Hiddink lost all his courage faced with Italian history and traditions... He finally reaped fruits which he had sown! The Australian team can go home now. Italy won't lose to Australia again. Long live Italy! How great Italy is! This is what Italians hope for. This penalty kick is an absolute one-off! Absolute one-off! Italy has made the final eight! This victory belongs to Italy, Cannavaro, Buffon, Maldini and all the people who love Italian football! Australia may regret it. It's time for Australia to go home. But maybe they don't need to go back to faraway Australia because most of them are living in Europe. Goodbye!" [at this time, a voice just off-mike could be heard saying "You fuck off!" but it's not definite that this is Huang.]
Show us your Huang
So why the astonishing outburst? I mean, it's not as if Australia's ever done anything to piss off another country... um... well, nothing specifically against China, in the last.. few... months? Well, OK, John Howard's a tool, we can understand that. But no, it's not Australian foreign policy or drunk bogan tourists outside his apartment window at 3am which attracted Huang's ire. It's this.
"I don't like Australians indeed," he said. "I was hoping they'd do badly here." Australia recently joined the Asian Football Confederation and from the next World Cup will contest for one of their qualification spots. "Do you remember how China were blocked from going to the Spain World Cup in a qualifier in 1981?" Huang said. "It was a team just like Australia, all of whom were living and playing in England but with New Zealand passports. It still hurts ... and in 2009, Australia will be just like New Zealand at that time."
So he's pissed off with Australia... because New Zealand stopped China from going to the World Cup in 1981.
Somehow you just KNEW this was all New Zealand's fault.
PUTTING THE 'DICKED' BACK INTO 'PREDICTIONS'
(OK so that's pretty ropey)
Following his appalling performances to date as The Weak In Sport's clairvoyant-in-residence, Nostrildramas has been fired. It wasn't so much the fact he'd tipped Holland, Switzerland and Spain to win their respective Round of 16 games, so it wasn't incompetence. Nor was he fired in a fit of reactionary pique over him tipping Italy to win 1-0 on a dodgy last-minute penalty. It was the fact that he did so a full four weeks before the events unfolded, which when read by FIFA's resident Luciano Moggi types, probably sowed the seed of the idea in the first place...
So instead of Nostrildramas' mystical utterances we have our very own Mystic Meg... named Mystic Meg. (Any resemblance between Mystic Meg and Mrs Dr Yobbo is entirely coincidental.) Mystic Meg is beating Dr Yobbo in the office tipping competition and hasn't shut up about it for weeks. Also on the panel we have Dr Yobbo, largely unimpressed with losing to a girl (no matter how much of a babe she is), and a series of 'guest analysts' who will bring their own particular perspective to their comments on the match in question.
Germany vs Argentina
Mystic MegGermany by 1 in the 90mins. Germany look like a good attacking side and have the home advantage.
Dr YobboFuck I hate the Argies. A nation founded on Spanish and Italian genes - no surprise they're all fuckin' divers. Tevez and Messi are massively overrated and wouldn't stand up to a decent two-footed tackle without splintering like balsa. Germany 3-1 on the back of a lot of squareheaded folk in white shirts shouting encouragement at them.
Guest analyst: The Stig, test pilot and alternative life form, Top GearVraaooommmm vroooommm screeeechh fnaannnggghhh vaaarrooooom vrooomm wheeeeee.
Porsche, BMW, Mercedes. Three-nil Deutschland.
Italy vs Ukraine
Mystic MegDraw as both haven't been playing that well but Italy winning on penalties as they are scoring more.
[They've had enough practice...]
Dr YobboWill be the most tedious game of football since Monty Python's Philosophers World Cup Final between Germany and Greece Ukraine were worse than ordinary against Switzerland in a game that was essentially two hours waiting for penalties, and Italy looked clueless against us. If it does go to penalties both have had recent refresher courses. Ukraine are in decent-ish form but form is temporary, class is permanent - Italy 1-0.
Guest analyst: Luciano Moggi, former chairman of Juventus FC and referee standards consultant to the Italian FAWouldn't you like to know. What's it worth to find out?
England vs Portugal
Mystic MegDraw but Portugal coming through on penalties. Big call but what i've seen of England, they haven't been very impressive and Portugal seems more aggressive.
Dr YobboFuck I hate England. Portugal 4-2. No, hang on, that's ludicrous, that won't happen. Portugal 4-0 - England couldn't score two goals in a game even if it was against the NZ Knights reserves.
Guest analyst: Wayne Rooney, fat hobbling red-faced ScouserEee bay gum arrgh porridge arr plehyers arr gude laik my auld man said follow t' band. Eng'lnd tree, fookin' dagos nowt laik.
Brazil vs France
Mystic MegBrazil by 1 as they are have they star players to make the big plays at the critical times.
Dr YobboFuckin' hate 'em both. Don't care what the score is, just hoping for lots of red cards and tournament-ending injuries. The Team of the Lardarse 0, the Team of the Aging Slaphead 1.
Guest analyst: God, deity to the stars (other than the Scientologists, Madonna and Richard Gere)I'm sick of those bloody Brazilians dedicating all their victories to me. Can't you useless bastards do anything yourself?
France by one. Late penalty to Zizou, probably dodgy. This ref is blinder than my son and his mates got after turning all that water into goon. Trust me, France are specials - take the collection plate down the TAB and get on.
And you can't get any better recommendation than that...
The Doctor is OUT.
1 comment:
That god guy hey? What a prediction. Who would've thought?
Post a Comment