Worst. Decision. Ever.

Ah well. It was fun while it lasted.


FIFA WORLD CUP GERMANY 2006 EXIT SURVEY

Dear World Cup Participant,

Thank you for taking part (up until recently at least) in FIFA World Cup Germany 2006. To aid us in providing the best possible World Cup experience for all our clients, we would be grateful if you could spare a few moments on our Official FIFA World Cup Germany 2006 Exit Survey.

First we would like to collect some general information about the demographics of our World Cup audience. This information will not be used for any commercial purpose whatsoever and will be destroyed immediately after statistical analysis. (In the shredder at that nice Mr Coca-Cola's place.)

1. Name ________________
(optional, but having one tends to help)

2. Nation (select from the list below)
__ Brazil
__ Argentina
__ Italia
__ Eng-er-land
__ Straya
__ Liquorland
__ Germany (place one precise cross wholly above the line but not intersecting the line above using a sharpened HB or B pencil but not a 2B or 2H pencil and you will comply with our exacting demands OR VE VILL HAFF YOU SCHOTT!!!)
__ Wherever that arseclown ref from the Italy game came from
__ France (of course not, you would have refused to fill the form in unless it was in French, you pack of wankers)
________ USA (figured we needed to make the target nice and wide for you guys)
__ One of those busted-arse Africans who goes out in the first round
__ Random Eastern European shithole
__ Somewhere ending in 'Stan'
__ Somewhere else

3. Sex
__ Male
__ Female
__ Boy-band member
__ You thought we were going to put 'Yes please' didn't you, you tosser

4. Age - Are you...
__ Underage
__ 18-30
__ 31-32
__ 33-96
__ 97-183

Supplementary question (if you answered 'Female' to question 3 and '18-30' to Question 4):
4a. Do you have any Aussie in you?
4b. Would you like some?

The next section of the survey deals with your perceptions of the World Cup and your general knowledge about football.

5. In your opinion, what caused your country's exit from the World Cup?
__ Rorted by dodgy refereeing decision
__ Goalkeeper blinded by Dutch playing strip
__ Bloody Ronaldo finally figuring out the net in front of him isn't there to catch wild boar for roasting whole and eating
__ Being American
__ Jeff Kennett*
__ Coach drew the opposition team in office sweepstakes competition
__ Scoring less goals than the other team, and/or not being very good at football

*Jeff Kennett's responsible for everything that goes wrong. You might think we're making it up but the list goes on and on.

6. Do you think that your general knowledge and awareness of football has increased through watching FIFA World Cup Germany 2006?
__ Yeah
__ Nah
__ Yeah nah yeah mate [Queensland all-rounders only]
__ Doesn't fuckin' look like it does, Mrs Dr Yobbo is beating me in the fuckin' office tipping comp so shut up about it already

If you answered 'Yeah' to Question 6 (or even if you didn't) please answer the following questions in order to determine whether your general football knowledge has improved:

7. What is 'off-side'?
__ The position Harry Kewell is in when he scores equalising goals [Surnames ending in 'avic' only]
__ A player is in an offside position if "he is nearer to his opponents' goal line than both the ball and the second to last opponent," unless he is in his own half of the field of play. A player level with the second last opponent is considered to be in an onside position. Note that the last two opposing players can be either the goalkeeper and an outfield player, or two outfield players. And no, of course I didn't look that up on Wikipedia, what are you trying to suggest?
__ The side of the field where all the gayest cricket shots are played - have a fuckin' slog across the line, what are ya a poofta or sumfink
__ The opposite to 'near-side', which is the side of the car your girlfriend always dings when parking
__ Being inside the ten at the play-the-ball
__ Silverside that's been left out in the sun too long
__ Your best mate's missus, unless you're Wayne Carey



















8. This man is...
__ Dago Madonna, or something
__ Some little diving cunt
__ Wearing my fuckin' T-shirt, the thieving bastard












9. This man is...
__ Fabio Grosso, the most beautiful cheat in the cosmos
__ Another little diving cunt
__ Not likely to get a root in Australia anytime soon



















10. This man (at left) is...
__ Blind
__ Stupid
__ Corrupt
__ Insane
__ For the fuckin' long jump if he ever comes near me
__ The same clown who reffed the UR Gay game, if you can believe that

11. Based on their respective form in the competition, who do you think would win a match between the US and Iran?
__ Iran
__ The US
__ The International Atomic Energy Agency
__ Anyone in the crowd selling 'No-Doze'
__ Luciano Moggi
__ Who gives a shit

12. What do you think was the most unsavoury incident or element of the World Cup?
__ That Seppo dude with blood pissing out of his scone midway through the Italy game
__ The four red cards in the Portugal-Holland game
__ Street brawls between German and Polish hooligans
__ Franz Beckenbauer getting on the TV coverage of every fuckin' game with those hideous gold aviator sunnies on, even when it's ten o'clock at night for fuck's sake
__ Peter Crouch dancing the robot
__ Peter Crouch
__ Crowd shots of anyone from the Ukraine (what's Ukrainian for 'fell out of ugly tree and hit every branch?)

13. At this stage, who do you think will win the World Cup?
__ Brazil
__ Argentina
__ Someone else
__ You mean they still keep playing after Australia loses? Whatever for?
__ Luciano Moggi
__ The fuckin' All Blacks, unless they fall over in the semi again

14. Would you watch the World Cup again in 2010?
__ Of course. I'm a dyed in the wool Socceroos fan now, honest. I really like that Tim Kewell, he's a really good goalkeeper
__ No I've gone off sequels after those fuckin' piss-poor new Star Wars movies
__ Nah soccer's for poofs - I'm off to France next year instead to watch a bunch of fat blokes shove their heads up each others' arses
__ I think the bandwagon's in for its 10,000 km service that month
__ Sure, as long as it's in a decent time zone. Where is it, out of interest? South Africa?!? Oh for fuck's sake...


Get some sleep before the quarters.

The Doctor is OUT.