Over the coming weeks, your Weak in Sport (as the Murdoch press would say) will be calling for nominations in the following categories (and any other ones we or any of you lot can come up with):
The 'What's that kid doing on the field' Award (inaugural winner: Michael Owen, France 98) for best World Cup rookie/youngster
Nominations: Tim Cahill. On for a good time not a long time, but Christ it worked out for him.
The Captain Arse Award for most astonishingly bullshit goal of the tournament
Nominations: The Krauts from Day 1, Andrea Pirlo from Italy, but the new clubhouse leader is undoubtedly Tomas Rosicky of the Czech Republic . He hit his first of the day against the US from the fucking car park.
The 'Who the fuck was Pele anyway' Golden Thing for Least Useless Player at World Cup 2006
Nominations: Previously Robben, but Rosicky trumps him. He single-handedly made the Seppos look like fuckin' idiots. Admittedly making Americans look like fuckin' idiots is not that difficult on face value given the material properties of the starting substrate, but make no mistake, he was shit-hot on the day. Arsenal must be laughing that they bought him off Borussia Dortmund before the World Cup started, rather than after when he would have costed an arseload more.
The Golden Typo for Best Quote of World Cup 2006
Early leader is AC Milan's Gennaro (Rino) Gattuso, legendary axe-merchant of Italian football - he learned his trade not in Serie A but with Rangers in the Scottish Premiership, so he's definitely bilingual with phrases such as 'studs-up challenge' and 'second bookable offence'. Gattuso was in a bit of injury trouble prior to the tournament and there were concerns he wouldn't make the tournament, but as he told reporters, he was going to the World Cup regardless of his coach's decision: "Even if Lippi decided to send me home then I would have chained myself to the team bus. You would have had to call the police to take me away."
This is even more amusing when you realise someone had to explain to Rino that Italy were going to Germany by taking a plane.
The Golden Curling Wand for Stupidest Hair (aka the Abel Xavier Memorial Award)
Nominations: Jan Polak of the Czech Republic...
Czech coach Karol Bruckner points our man Jan in the direction of his nearest 'Jim's Mowing' franchisee
The field has been thinned somewhat with pre-tournament favourites Haitch Kewell and Rabid Beckman controversially excluding themselves from the running, after both decided to chance hairstylists to someone who isn't (a) a performance artist specialising in interpretive sculpture, (b) Ray Charles, or (c) a pathological hater of footballers.
The Lead Louganis Award for Biggest Diver (previously known as the Ariel Ortega Perpetual Trophy)
Nominations: anyone in an Argentine shirt, and that Ghanian number 3 who tried to pull two penalties against the Azzurri, the last a superbly ludicrous Superman dive which should have won him his second yellow and an early shower.
Interpretive dance makes a comeback in world football
The Rusty Axe Award for Best Challenge, Legal or Otherwise
Nominations: Sammy Kuffour for axing Vincenzo Iaquinta in the same match - if Iaquinta hadn't been off-side at the time, Kuffour would have been marched without doubt. Didn't even look vaguely legitimate. Iaquinta picks up a nomination for Best Supporting Diver.
The Roseanne and Tom Arnold Golden Microphone Stand Cracked Over Someone's Head for Best Singing of the National Anthem
Blind patriotism forces me to nominate the 25,000 odd (mostly very odd) Australians packed into 1.FC Kaiserslautern's home ground, enthusiastically bellowing Advance Straya Fair, prior to the Japan game. As a nation, when they were handing out anthems, we clearly must have been out the back taking a dump, but the kids in the safety yellow shirts did their best. However this award is really intended for an individual, typically a massive centre-half singing two octaves too low, out of key and three beats behind, while the cameras pan along the team lineups before kickoff. Don't worry, there'll be someone. There's ALWAYS someone. Marcel Desailly of France used to be an absolute special for this one.
And of course...
The Ian Thorpe Perpetual Trophy for Man-Love Moment of the World Cup
Now who'd have thought the Italians would have led the nominations after only ten or so games?
Current leader:
Settle, lads. It's only Ghana after all...
That's Rino Gattuso on top (as it were) - I'm guessing he's just happy he's made it to the tournament (and that someone untied him from the team bus.)
Highly commended (or at least concerning):
File under: Interracial/S&M/Foot fetish
That's our first lot of Dodgy Award nominations. As the Samurai Pizza Cats theme song used to go - if you think you can do better, then we'll leave it up to you.
The Doctor is OUT.
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