Christ that's a bit rough - when even the God-squad are taking cheap shots, it's time to reconsider your career choices
We now cross back to Euro 2006, still in progress
To the final four, now that the Argies and the 'Zilians have flown El Plumeto Airolinas back to South America, the English plane has landed at Heathrow (funnily enough even though the engines have been turned off you can still hear the whining) and the Ukraine have wobbled home to Kiev in Sheva's Lada. What we're left with is something that looks like the edited highlights of the last couple of European Championships: Germany, champion of Euro 96; Italy, dodgily beaten finalist of Euro 2000; France, dodgy champion of Euro 2000; and Portugal, beaten finalist of Euro 2004. From here, it's flip-a-coin territory. Cue our preview, handily far too late to have any useful input into your office tipping.
The semis: the stoushes, the scuttlebutt and the supposition
GERMANY VS ITALY
Stoushes
 |  |
| 13 | Played | 13 |
| 5 | Won | 3 |
| 5 | Drawn | 5 |
| 3 | Lost | 5 |
| 16 | Goals | 12 |
Germany haven't beaten Italy in 10 years (since a 1995 friendly) and have never beaten them in an international tournament in five meetings dating back to Chile 1962.
Most recent stoush: Italy 4 annihilated Germany 1 in a friendly in Florence four months ago (three-blot at the half)
Most famous stoush: 24 years ago next week, in the final of World Cup Spain 1982 - Italy 3 Germany 1 courtesy Paolo Rossi.
Scuttlebutt
Deutschland: Torsten Frings has been outed - no, the mullet isn't a weak attempt to not look gay, he's been suspended for the semi over his role in the massively entertaining handbags-at-sunset between the dirty stinking Argies and the lording-it-over-everyone Krauts. Apparently this all began during the shootout with the Argies giving each German penalty taker a free character reference en route to the spot. Helpfully this was delivered entirely in Spanish, spoken by exactly none of the German squad. However Tim 'No I'm not sure why a German male would be called that either' Borowski didn't help matters by shushing the Argies on the way back from a successful bombing sortie. Once Mad Jens had slapped away the last Argentine attempt, it was enough with the match already, time for the stink... and apparently Torsten cracked a few too many heads together for Sepp Blatter's liking, so he's washing his hair Tuesday night. Ballack's fit however and Mad Jens is clearly up for another shootout.
Italia: The Azzurri ain't doin' it for the kids - they're doing it for former international Gianluca Pessotto, who tried to top himself last week. Pessotto, who became Juventus team manager following his retirement from football in May after a long and successful career at Juve, hurled himself out of a window at Juventus club HQ clutching a rosary, falling 15 metres to bounce off two parked cars. Yes, he's tied up in the whole Juve thing - this is all fucking Luciano Moggi's fault, just like everyone else. In hindsight, given that most of the current Italian squad either know or played with Pessotto, it's astonishing they were composed enough to fashion the Ukraine a novel orifice in the quarter-final in the clinical manner in which they did. Italy will hope to get Alessandro Nesta back to partner Fabio Cannavaro in defence; the rest of the lineup should be as per program.
Supposition
Both sides have kicked against type in this tournament, ditching their dour, defensive A-game and pushing forward in hugely uncharacteristic fashion. You just know it'll be back to Plan A come Tuesday night/Wednesday morning. The most important player on the German side will be their 12th man - no not some crazy Kraut version of Billy Birmingham, but the partisan crowd inside the safety-yellow Dortmund stadium. Without this support they will not beat Italy; with it, they'll probably not beat Italy either. Italy are yet to be seriously challenged in this World Cup (with one noble, wattle-scented exception) whereas the Germans were outplayed for most of the quarterfinal by the Argies and have Mad Jens to thank for their continued presence. The 4-1 in March was only a friendly, but the respective lineups aren't likely to differ much. It won't make the crowd happy, but fuck 'em, they'll get cheaper tickets for the bronze medal playoff. Italy, reverting to type, one-nil.
FRANCE VS PORTUGAL
Stoushes
 |  |
| 4 | Played | 4 |
| 4 | Won | 0 |
| 0 | Drawn | 0 |
| 0 | Lost | 4 |
| 11 | Goals | 3 |
France have never failed to beat Portugal in a serious match or otherwise. Serious matches however, it should be noted, only amount to one game - the semi-final of Euro 2000.
Most recent stoush: France 4 Portugal 0 in an April '01 friendly in Paris... ouch
Most famous stoush: France 2 Portugal 1 after extra time at Euro 2000 - a gut-wrenching golden goal robbing the 'Guesers from a deserved spot in the final after they'd bossed the whole game (with their Golden Generation - remember them?) France went on to mug the Italians in the final minutes of the final, the coqs
Scuttlebutt
France: No surprise to see the French labour force out on strike of course, but it's France's strikers who have failed to turn up for work at this World Cup. Domenech has been playing Henry out of position for the entire World Cup, which is why he's scored fuck all goals. Obviously he's not that far out of position - he's not between the sticks in the gloves and the dubious jacket - but Henry works best when he drifts wide-left then makes angled runs into the box, whereas Domenech is using him more like an Alan Shearer-style target man, which (a) Henry doesn't have the size or presence for and (b) is a waste of his ability. Massive pressure is being brought to bear on Domenech from within his team and his nation to play with two strikers - Henry and Trezeguet most likely - in a more ambitious 4-4-2 with Trez-R-Gay up front and Henry drifting just off him as per his usual Arsenal role, linking between Treza and Zizou in attack. And in related news, how fucking good is Zidane travelling?
Portugal: Keeper Ricardo has blown up deluxe at reporters who keep asking whether he is 'lucky' in penalty shootouts, maintaining it's a matter of skill rather than luck which ensures his success (Mystic Meg claims the same about the office tipping comp, which means it must be bullshit. Sorry, true.) The 'Guesers get Deco and Costinha back after their respective one-match enforced holidays, and they'll need them. Costinha will slot into the side in place of Petit who's on a RDO for the same reason those boys missed the quarter. Annoying little shit Cristiano Ronaldo is likely to be persona non grata in the greater Manchester area immediately after the World Cup - like he gives a shit, he's off to Madrid and is taking his superfluous stepovers with him. Big Phil Scolari, having yet again made Sven his quarter-final bitch for the third tournament running, will calmly pull the strings from the sideline (actually he'll rant and scream like he's channelling a McEnroe-Connors match from 1981, but at least it'll be entertaining.)
Supposition
Probably a more entertaining game than Germany-Italy; probably easier to pick as well. France haven't lost to Portugal, they don't lose to Portugal, and they won't lose to Portugal. New wide-midfield sensation Frank Ribery might be the ugliest man ever to play for les Bleus but he's far from the least talented - watch for him to get around his man and bang a few crosses in for Henry et al. With a head like his it's all he'll be banging. France 3-1.
And as the crystal ball further fogs...
Italy to shade France in a replay of the Euro 2000 final but without the Trez-R-Gay winner at the end - will go to penalties, will be won by the side with the goalkeeper who is not shaped like a penis.
Germany and Portugal to hammer in shiteloads of goals in the 3rd place playoff, which the hosts get away with, along with the golden boot for Klose.
Most of the world to go into acute long-term-tournament withdrawal, treatable only with ineffective substitution therapy (following Le Tour) and hanging out for Euro 2008. Or Asian Cup 2007 for the true Socceroo tragics...
The Doctor is OUT.
(And so's Becks - don't let the door hit your arse on the way out, sonny...)
No comments:
Post a Comment