Ah, sledging. If boxing is the sweet science of sports, sledging is its verbal counterpart - the jab, the counterpunch, the left hook and the wild, desperate haymaker. Italian centreback Marco Materazzi's devastatingly effective 'mental disintegration' of French captain Zinedine Zidane in Monday morning's World Cup Final has shone the world's spotlight on the art of sledging, one which Australasians know and love, and in which we ANZACs are undisputed world champions.
If only anyone could decide on what the hell it was that Materazzi actually said to Zidane.
A statement from the grandstanding Paris-based racism group SOS Racism had earlier insisted that Materazzi called Zidane a 'dirty terrorist', but these lads have kept pretty quiet since. The English tabloids have offered up the usual poorly-researched rubbish, some hiring lip-readers to try and decode Materazzi's verbal barbs. The Daily Mirror's frontpage carried the claim that 'The furious French captain attacked Marco Materazzi after the defender allegedly sneered "All Muslims are terrorist bastards." Murdoch stablemate the Sun's tame lip-reader reckoned that Materazzi called Zidane a "son of a terrorist whore" - then in the same breath quoted 'a source close to the Italian squad' (i.e. one of the hacks in the Sun office) claiming that after twisting Zidane's nipple, Materazzi asked him: "What, don't you like it?" The French captain replied: "A bit too hard to turn me on." To which Materazzi called back: "Well, I did it that way because I know that's how your mother likes it."
The broadsheets also called in their friendly neighbourhood lip-readers, with variable results. The Independent: 'It is alleged that Zidane responded by sarcastically telling Materazzi that he could have his shirt as a souvenir at the end of the match. The Italian is alleged to have responded by saying that Zidane could keep it for his sister and then made an extremely derogatory comment about her.' This is backed up by lip-readers from the Brazilian TV channel Globo, who claim Materazzi called her a prostitute, although you can guess how much gets lost in translation when a conversation between an Italian and a French-Algerian is being translated into English via Portuguese. The Guardian's lip-reader asserts that Materazzi said "I wish an ugly death to you and all your family," making Marco himself sound more like a stereotypical Islamic terrorist than anyone else involved, and then told Zidane to "go fuck yourself".
The Italian papers have run with the claim that Zidane had a go at Materazzi's mother, with the former Everton defender responding in turn that the Frenchman enjoyed carnal relations with his sister. Given that the plot of every second French film on SBS seems to involve brothers and sisters doing things they shouldn't (unless they're from Ipswich), this may not seem on the face of it to be an unreasonable assumption on Materazzi's part. However, Materazzi's agent has also reportedly offered his own unique account of the verbal exchange, claiming that Zidane offered to swap shirts later with the Italian replied: "'I'd rather take the shirt off your wife."
For his part, Materazzi has previously denied any accusation of calling Zidane a terrorist, telling Italian news agency Ansa he didn't even know what the word meant. Now, finally, both have fronted up to the media to give their story. In an interview with iconic Italian sports daily Gazzetta dello Sport, Materazzi declared, "I said nothing to him about race, religion or politics. I did not talk about his mother either. I lost my mother when I was 15 and it still upsets me to talk about it. Of course I didn't know that his mother was in hospital. I send her my best wishes." He added that "Zidane was always my hero. I admire him greatly." Meanwhile, interviewed live on French TV, Zidane protested, "He (Materazzi) pulled on my shirt several times and I told him that we could swap shirts at the end of the game if he wanted to. He then pronounced very tough words, words that hurt me deeply, words about my mother and my sister. At first, I tried not to listen to him but he kept repeating them. I knew it was my last game and I knew there were only 10 minutes to play but things happened very swiftly." He then added sniffily, "I am a man before anything else."
No you're not. You're not a man, you're a fucking sook. If you were a man, you'd have manned up, not listened to the nasty man, got the ball up the Italian end and booted the winner. Then went Naaah-naaah na naaah naaah, went out on the town with the Golden Turd in tow, and got drunk for a week straight.
The truth, it seems, is somewhere in between. So what DID happen? At last, The Weak In Sport can exclusively reveal how the explosive exchange was played out.
Zidane: "You are exhausted. Not as fit as I! Soon I will triumph! Muhahahaha!"
Materazzi: "Well, if you'd keep your mother and your sister out of my fucking hotel room the night before the match, I'd have a chance to keep up with you, you slaphead fuck."
Zidane: [Offensive header from 35 yards; hits target. Doesn't hit THE target, but does hit A target.]
Either that or Materazzi got in his ear and started reciting the lyrics to Triple J favourites Butterfingers' track Yo Mama's On The Top Of My Things To Do List.
GREAT MOMENTS IN SLEDGING
Judging by the reaction to Materazzi's pithy epithets, sledging might be relatively new to European football, but its spiritual home is undoubtedly in the gentleman's game of cricket. Steve Waugh's notorious observation following Herschelle Gibbs' fumble at Headingley in the '99 World Cup - "How does it feel to drop the World Cup?" - is probably the highest profile (and most printable) example. Waugh was a master of sledging (or 'mental disintegration' as he called it), expert both in terms of timing and impact. You think back to the position Australia were in immediately beforehand (five down for bugger-all, and Waugh himself seconds away from ballooning one to midwicket) - then Gibbs grasses the catch in a dismal attempt to showboat, Waugh points out his various inadequacies, Australia betters South Africa in consecutive matches (OK so one was a tie but it got them through) and shellacks the Paks in the World Cup final. And, just as significantly, Gibbs has not played well against Australia ever since. No matter how well he's travelling against the rest of the world, whenever he plays Australia he is an abject failure. You can put a lot of that down to the efforts of Steven WAUGH (woah-woah-woah what-is-he-good-for).
Waugh's sledge scored big points on two of the three key criteria for quality sledging. It was effective, and it was memorable. But, most critically of all, it wasn't FUNNY. Here then, in the opinion of The Weak, are the five funniest cricketing sledges of all time:
5. Viva Viv.
Playing county cricket for Somerset, legendary West Indian captain Viv Richards was struggling against a handy opposition seamer, who'd beat his bat several times in one over. "Hey Viv, it's red and it's round," the bowler pointed out.
Sir Viv came down the wicket to the next ball and belted it out of the park.
"You know what it looks like - go fetch it," he observed.
4. Arjy Bargy.
Portly former Sri Lankan captain Arjuna Ranatunga always got under the skin of Australian players (ditto Australian fans, umpires, groundsmen, taxi drivers, people who ran into him in the street, etc.) In one mid-90s one-day game, batting down the order with his team in a bit of bother, the Sri Lankan skipper asked the umpires for a runner. To which Australian wicketkeeper Ian Healy offered his interpretation of the rules surrounding substitute runners for injured batsmen:
"You don't get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat cunt."
3. McGrath 0 Rest Of The World 1.
Metronomic Australian quick Grenn McGlath was (and remains) a keen disciple of the teachings of Brother Steve of Bankstown when it comes to the art of sledging. He always enjoyed having a bit of a chat with the guy up the other end, sometimes with explosive results - many will recall the epic blowup between McGrath and West Indian vice-captain Ramnaresh Sarwan in the 4th test in Antigua in 2003. What was actually said between the pair was as follows:
McGrath: "What's Brian [Lara] like in bed?"
Sarwan: "Why don't you ask your wife?"
2. It's all about the timing.
Some sledges take years to mature. Returning from England's 1984 tour of Pakistan, Ian Botham offered the following assessment of their hosts: "Pakistan is the sort of place every man should send his mother-in-law to, for a month, all expenses paid."
Eight years later, in the final of the 1992 World Cup at the MCG, Botham was dismissed for a duck. Walking back to the pavilion he trudged past Pakistani opener Aamir Sohail, who suggested: "Why don't you send your mother-in-law now? She couldn't do any worse."
1. McGrath 0 Rest Of The World 2.
It's not often that batsmen get the better of Glenn McGrath, but it's certainly more likely to happen on the basis of a verbal stoush than one involving bat and ball. This is one of The Weak's favourite stories and most of our audience will know it well, but it's worth repeating.
In the mid-90s Australia was touring Zimbabwe (well, someone had to) and McGrath was putting all his efforts - physical and verbal - into trying to dislodge Zimbabwean number 11 Eddo Brandes, a somewhat chunky gentleman who spent his days farming pigs. (Being (a) Zimbabwean and (b) white, one hopes he still has a farm these days on which to farm aforesaid pigs.) McGrath had run through his full repertoire, both in terms of bowling and bellowing, and was clearly getting hugely frustrated with the rotund Brandes' arsey survival efforts - thick nicks through the slip cordon, wild swipes across the line, that sort of thing.
Finally, out of ideas and out of patience after another piece of dubious escapology on his nemesis' part, McGrath stood mid-pitch, hands on hips in his characteristic 'teapot' pose, and snarled: "Why are you so fucking fat?"
Brandes considered this for a moment, and replied amiably: "Because every time I fuck your wife, she gives me a biscuit."
The Doctor is OUT.
(On his way to a house call at your mama's place, as it happens.)
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