http://www.kicken.com/zidane/
Quite literally.
INEVITABLE POST-TOURNAMENT AWARDS THINGY WHERE EVERYTHING IS WITTILY DESCRIBED AS THE 'GOLDEN SOMETHING-OR-OTHER'
Zizou lost his 'nana but won the Golden Ball. Klose couldn't score against any team of worth, but was apparently worth the Golden Boot ('Golden Shoe' my arse - who the fuck do FIFA think he is, Cinderella?) Lukas Podolski, scorer of bugger-all goals (a bit of a problem when you're allegedly employed as a striker) was awarded Best Young Player. And finally, the award for the Most Entertaining Team was won by the pouting, flouncing, 'simulating' drama queens of Portugal.
Anyone else think FIFA's official awards were a Russell-Crowe's-band-sized fucking pile of shit?
To that end we present the final and definitive edition of the World Cup Dodgies - the Weak In Sport's World Cup Awards.
The 'Bollocks To Pele' Award for Least Useless Player Of The Tournament
Fabio Cannavaro. He was everywhere and did everything, he was ripped off in the official vote (because all the journos were too fuckin' lazy to wait until AFTER the final to put their votes in - they had until midnight after all) and he turned up to play in EVERY game, not phoning-in a performance through the group stages like Zizou did. He was fuckin' ace.
The 'What's That Kid Doing On The Field' Award for Best Young Player
Podolski went OK but you really want your strikers to strike, not just dink it forward for the lanky bugger in front of you to punt it home. Staying within the German team - the best young side in the tournament by a distance - cases could be made for Phillip Lahm or Bastian Schweinsteiger. But, ugly as a hatful of arseholes as he may be, it's got to be Frank Ribery. Before this tournament, he was an uncapped no-name; after it, he won't be out of the French team for ten years. It was his equaliser against the Spanish which dragged the French players out of their reverie (Zizou very much included) and made them believe they could actually amount to something at this World Cup. And he made everyone else on his team look good - both on the field and in the nightclubs.
The 'I Can See My House From Here' Tasco Telescope Trophy (cheers AJ) for Nailing It From An Adjoining Suburb
Shared between Joe Cole vs Sweden, Tomas Rosicky vs the Sepps, Bastian Schweinhund Dumkopf Weiner Schnitzel vs the Guesers (twice), and any of the other dozen randoms who hit shots from the carpark which managed to evaded both the goalkeepers, and the laws of Physics, en route to the back of the auld onion bag (thanks v. much T. Smyth w/a Y.) Our thanks must go to Adidas (sorry, 'adidas') for producing a tournament match ball with all the predictable Euclidian physical properties of Flubber.
The Steve Waugh Daggy Green Cap for Services to Mental Disintegration
There can be only one. Marco Materazzi, for coming up with the most devastatingly effective sledge in world football history (whatever it was, it led the opposition captain to get himself sent off in the final minutes of the World Cup final) - we salute you as an honorary Australian.
The 'Karma My Arse' Golden Buddha for Laughing in the Face of Universal Justice
Fabio Grosso. Diver one week, matchwinner the next (twice, in the World Cup semi AND the final.) The gods smileth on that motherfucker, and good luck to him. He's off to Inter next season, which will be about the only big club left in Serie A if Juve, Milan, Fiorentina and Lazio are all given the arse... the gods' smilething (?) upon Grosso continues.
The Luciano Moggi Memorial Brown Paper Bag for Dodgiest Refereeing Decision
The Dodgiest Refereeing Decision of World Cup 2006 was made by whoever appointed the referees for the Italy-Australia second round game, the France-Portugal semi and the Italy-France final, all of which featured penalty-winning dives that Stevie Wonder could have seen (even if Ray Charles was running the line for him).
The Terrell Owens Golden Sharpie for Best Goal Celebration
As per last time we'll give it to Ecuador's 'Spidey' Kaviedes for his mad props. Italy win best team award for the bewildering contemporary art installation that constituted their post-final celebration - which included, among other bizarre sights, a man in a ponytail getting a haircut in a deckchair, and a bearded midget doing belly-flops across the turf in his underpants. That's ART, people.
The Green Knight 'It's only a flesh wound' Missing Limb for Most Amusing Injury
Ricardo Carvalho in the QF against the Engrish. Doesn't matter who you are, where you're from, or what's your social station in life - it's always funny to see a dude get hit in the balls. Or in Carvalho's case, stomped on by a fugly little chubster like Wayne Rooney.
The Stefan Kuntz Golden Nametag for the Player with the Most Unfortunate Name
Has to be Quim. Everyone loves Quim. We didn't see enough Quim in this World Cup but hopefully we'll see a lot more Quim at club level in the coming season.
The Y2K Award for the Biggest Non-Event
Take your pick from:
- Brazil
- Spain
- The Czech Republic
- Ronaldinho
- The English WAGs (which stands for 'slappers and trophy-slags' - apparently they can't spell either, as well as being sketchy gutter trolls)
- Brazil again
- Argentina
- FIFA's crackdown on diving
- Brazil yet again
The second half of Portugal-France, where the Guesers spent every available second (that wasn't occupied with falling over and looking askance) bouncing balls off the woodwork.
Special commendation: Italy's Luca Toni - he hit thirty goals in about as many games over the past Serie A season, but in Germany, other than his superfluous strikes against Ukraine when the game was already in the bag, he couldn't score in a brothel during Happy Hour.
The Captain Arse Award for most astonishingly bullshit goal of the tournament
Joke Hole (aforementioned vs Sweden) and Maxi Rodriguez (vs Mexico) can split this one between them.
The Golden Typo for Best Quote of World Cup 2006 (Players)
Materazzi, for his quote about 'Animal' Gattuso breaking stuff randomly, as well as his 'who, me?' quotes after the Zidane sendoff: "It is absolutely not true, I did not call him a terrorist. I'm ignorant. I don't even know what the word means." Yes, that's our man. He's big, he's stupid, and he can sledge it up a treat. I think Cricket Australia can call off the search for the next Glenn McGrath. Special commendation for David Beckham for being, well, David Beckham: "It was really difficult for us playing in that midday sun with that three o'clock kick-off."
The Golden Typo for Best Quote of World Cup 2006 (Coaches)
"That is what losers do, they whinge and they cry." Brazil's Carlos Alberto Parreira following Ghana's complaints that their second-round referee was biased. Just a few days and ninety minutes of football later...
The Golden Typo for Best Quote of World Cup 2006 (Media)
"The WAGs are shopping-addicted anorexics with hollow lobotomised heads" - Brazilian newspaper Gazeta Esportiva (we'll hazard a guess that means Sporting Gazette). Tell us what you really think, lads.
The Golden Curling Wand for Stupidest Hair (aka the Abel Xavier Memorial Award)
As the tournament went on, Mauro Camoranesi's poncy ponytail just shat me more and more - his pledge to have it chopped off was as good a reason to barrack for an Italian win in the final as any. For Christ's sake son, you're a footballer, not a dressage horse.
The Mundine-Green Memorial Carpark Gravel Rash for Best On-Field Stink
OK, so it was more handbags than a heavyweight title fight, but you've got to give props to the immediate aftermath of Germany-Argentina. Boxing is tops.
The 'I am the Count, ah-ah-ah' award for Momentarily Forgetting What One Plus One Plus Another One Equals
Former international referee Graham Poll. If you know why, you'll know why he's a former international referee.
The Lead Louganis Award for Biggest Diver (previously known as the Ariel Ortega Perpetual Trophy)
Shared between Fabienne Grosso (for quality) and Cristi Ronaldo (for quantity). Special mention to the 'stealth divers' of the French squad, Henry and Malouda, for their deadly timing and accuracy; they emerged out of nowhere, fell over, won a critical penalty, and disappeared again.
An oldie but a goodie. Feel free to insert Portuguese, or Argentine, or French footballers in place of Italian - the choice is yours.
The Rusty Axe Award for Best Challenge, Legal or Otherwise
Rooney on Carvalho. And it was most definitely 'Otherwise'.
The Roseanne and Tom Arnold Golden Microphone Stand Cracked Over Someone's Head for Best Singing of the National Anthem
Lilian Thuram - told you it'd be some massive French defender - with his performance of the Brisbane Lions club song.
The Ian Thorpe Perpetual Trophy for Man-Love Moment of the World Cup
Has to be Gattuso running around in his underpants being pursued enthusiastically by a man in a shiny gold shirt (Buffon). No image provided because I don't dare search for one.
The 'Duhhhh' Award for Most Inevitable Moments of Germany 2006
Take your pick from:
- Germany winning a penalty shootout
- England losing one
- Sepp Blatter talking a lot of bollocks before, during and after the tournament
- Spain falling over pathetically in the knockout stage
- The Argies starting a fight after losing
- A defender being Italy's best player of the tournament
We in NZ were 'blessed' with the World Feed, which paired half-recognisable commentators (your Gary Blooms, your John Helms etc) with long-forgotten ex-England players with a line in dispiritingly constipated cliches. Rodney Marsh (no, not Iron Gloves), who was John Helm's 'colour' man for the Italy-Germany semi, offered this dramatically-delivered insight midway through the first half:
"We've said all along this could be a chess match, John. Well it is a chess match... on a knife edge."
Thanks for that. Unsurprisingly, Marsh wasn't heard from for the rest of the tournament.
The Mayor of Hiroshima 'What The Fuck Was That' Trophy for Biggest Surprise
Dr Yobbo, for winning the office tipping comp after being mired in midfield for most of the comp and giving away buckets of points to the leaders until the semis and final. For this he received a moderately large sum of money in a brown envelope, and has promised to book anyone playing against Juventus next week.
Special commendation: LESBN's Tommy Smyth with a Why. Astonishingly, given his unblemished history of talking total rubbish for years and years, during this World Cup he managed to come up with incisive, intelligent insights on a daily basis, with comments which had actually been vaguely thought-through and match analysis which wasn't complete and utter bollocks. He even picked Italy to win it from Day 1, and he was right.
This is surely a sign of impending apocalypse. Watch the skies, people.
The Doctor is OUT.
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