Death to Fascist Barbie

Hate ain't my thing. By nature, I don't hate a lot of people; John Howard, Dick Cheney, and the guy who parks his shitbox van halfway over our carpark at uni every morning. And I'd like to smack Eli Roth in the head for being venal, derivative and misogynistic enough to make a Hostel Part II which is basically Hostel Part I except with girls taking the place of the guys who get tortured to the brink of death and beyond - because hey, the world needs more violence against women, right? Eli Roth, you're a cunt. Take your snuff movie wank fantasies and fuck off back under the rock from which you crawled, sunshine. And take your obnoxious, overrated, coked-up, shit-eating-grinned mate Tarantino with you. He puts the 'auteur' in 'autistic'. And don't get me started on Wolf Creek. Any chance of those fat profits finding their way back to the families of Ivan Milat's victims, whose hideous deaths you motherfuckers gleefully profited from?

Anyway, setting torture porn aside as a topic of conversation, as a rule I don't hate people much. However, every rule has its exceptions, and given that the underlying tenet behind World Of Bollocks is to deal out the rantalicious smackdowns when needs must (and then some), let's focus perchance on those very exceptions in a new segment we like to call:

You shit me to tears: people who can just fuck off
And our first nominee, proving that misogynism is a two way street, is Fascist Barbie. Elisabeth Hasselbeck 'stars' on the dreadful US gabfest The View along with Barbara Walters, some other old chick and Rosie O'Donnell (up until about five minutes ago anyway.) Hasselbeck shares a surname and a marital bed with Seattle Seahawks quarterback Matt, which basically makes her the grown up equivalent of that chick from school who used to fuck footballers for social kudos; where I'm from we'd call her the lock, because she screws the scrum. Fittingly she's blue-eyed, blonde and gorgeous with tits the size of her head. Problem, you ask? Just that she's slightly to the right of Mussolini, and accuses anyone who dares to question why America should be at war with random oil-rich nations in the Middle East of being Al-Qaeda sympathisers who should be holidaying in Guantanamo.

And hey, if rock-dumb trophy wives of football players can't spout jawdroppingly off-beam and intolerant viewpoints on daytime television, THE TERRORISTS HAVE WON!
















Maybe we should just rack this up to experience

In summary, in the words of Jeremy Sims' character from David Caesar's film Idiot Box:

You are an idiot
You are a bitch
You shit me to tears
I'm going down the pub.

Randomly, when old mate Yuri, the King of Seed, saw that film the first time, he misheard that as 'You suck me to tears.' Which, should Mrs Hasselbeck be involved, would have been a different segment of the World of Bollocks altogether.


Serbs you right
We segue from blind, irrational hatred to the nation of Serbia. A bit of a stretch I realise, but work with me here. For Serbia, now that they have that whole 'committing war atrocities on every motherfucker in the vicinity' thing out of their system, have actually turned into a sporting nation of some repute. Their basketballers are flooding the American NBA, their football side made the final of the European Under-21 Championships, and their tennis players are ascending the world rankings wit' a quickness, particularly in the ladies with Jelena Jankovic and Ana Ivanovic.












Naturally The World Of Bollocks categorically refutes any suggestion that the above mention of Ana Ivanovic is in any way a flimsy excuse to run shots of her in revealing outfits just because she's a thermonuclear hottie.


The success of the Serbian kiddie side in the UEFA U21 Championships (well, if you can call getting pantsed 4-1 by the hi-vis Dutchies a success) is likely to lead to many of the team being snapped up by larger European clubs. In recent transfer speculation, national U21 team captain Branislav Ivanovic (no relation, luckily for him) of Lokomotiv Moscow and striker Dejan Milovanovic of Red Star Belgrade, who scored the late winner over the Poms in the round stage, have been linked to a move to Dutch giants Ajax. Indeed a surge in Serbian interest is predicited in the Amsterdam club, making this the first occasion on which Ajax has been involved with ethnic cleansing since...

Nah. Even I have limits.

















And anyway it's pronounced 'Ay-ax', you fucking bogan troglodyte

Given that the Artists Formerly Known As Yugoslavia aren't renown as the calmest or most dispassionate of folks (unlike our very good friends from Croatia, of course) we predict the above may result in an increase in the volume of hate mail, letterbombs and burning cars driven through airport terminals (what, too soon?) in our name. The World Of Bollocks apologise unreservedly in advance for any offence taken by the nation of Serbia and not Montenegro. And to prove to our Serbian friends that we're all one brethren, all united as one enormous brotherhood of man... here's another photo of Ana Ivanovic.
















I like Serbians.

The Doctor is OUT. (Overruled by Cyclops.)