Proving another cast-iron stereotype correct - namely that Scousers are world's-best-practice at nicking stuff - various media channels including SMH.com.au have reported that Liverpool FC goalkeeper Jose 'Pepe' Reina had his house broken into while he was slightly preoccupied saving his team's arse in the penalty shootout that decided Pool's Champions League semi against Chelski. There's Scouser gratitude for you. Reina returned home after one of the greatest games of his life to find his house lighter by several items of jewellery, his serious-fuck-off home theatre setup system and his Porsche Cayenne. The Cayenne was later found burnt out in another area of the city, proving the robbers at least had SOME taste. Rumours have persisted that the culprit was in fact Chelsea midfielder Frank Lampard, as noone is able to vouch for his whereabouts throughout the duration of the game on Wednesday morning.
One they prepared earlier
Piling yet more ironic excellence onto the tale, this is just the latest in a long line of Merseyside footballers having their houses burgled while on the job. Pepe Reina's predecessor as Liverpool's number one, Jerzy Dudek, got cleaned out last year while on World Cup duty with Polane. The Dude also lost a Porsche and jewellery (apparently you get them as standard issue when signing for Pool) as well as his 2005 Champions League winners medal - ironically also for a bullshit Spidey-skills effort in goal in a penalty shootout. Defender Daniel Agger, subject of multitudes of appalling 'Agger Do' headlines in the Fleet Street rags, had his house broken into in September last year. Striker Peter 'At my height it's actually near impossible to' Crouch's house was targeted in the same month while he was away being rubbish for England. Meanwhile in the blue half of Merseyside, Everton winger Andy van der Meyde was burgled twice last year, including one raid in which his pedigree puppy was taken. Former Evertonian Wayne Rooney also lost a bunch of stuff, including his BBC Young Sports Personality of the Year trophy (which was being used to prop the budgie cage open) when his parents' Liverpool home was burgled in July 2006. In totally unrelated news Cash Converters have seen unprecendented levels of business in the Liverpool area, opening three new branches on Merseyside in the past 18 months.
Pepe, Shrek, the Dude and the guy who can't Crouch would be well advised to take a leaf out of the well-thumbed form guide of former Everton captain and professional Scots pisshead Duncan Ferguson. Drunken Ferguson played ten years at Everton, at least nine of them munted out of his scone, and during his time on Merseyside twice apprehended would-be robbers at his home. The first incident, involving two intruders, ended with one of them fleeing for his life (and if you've seen Dunc the Drunk in full flight you'll understeand why) while Ferguson 'restrained' (i.e. beat seven bells out of and then sat on) the other one until the police arrived. The other incident resulted in the "battered and bruised" burglar unsuccessfully attempting to sue Drunken for damages.
Duncan Ferguson, Premier League Player Of The Year 1992-2005
Somehow I ain't seeing Beckham allocating the whoop-ass in a similar fashion. You?
The Doctor is OUT.
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