There's an anti-NZ conspiracy? Where do we sign up?

In a week packed full with rugby, cricket, league and football news, we start with motorbikes, because that's just the sort of people we are. Weird.

Case in point (or 25 points and a nice trophy, to be accurate)
Proving our long-standing claim that he would amount to far more than your average Stoner from Kurri, Casey Stoner won the season-opening MotoGP round in Qatar in his first ride for Ducati, beating some skinny wog dude with an afro (that would be seven times world champion Vale Rossi, greatest rider in the history of motorbike pedalling ever and ever amen, etc). In keeping with company policy we would make some sort of hideous pun at this point, but after vegan punk guitarist Lindsay McDougall's efforts on national yoof radio, nothing we could come up with could possibly compare with the claw-your-own-face-off cringeworthiness inherent in describing Stoner's victory lap as a 'Qatar solo'.


















Map not to scale

















The factory Yamaha boys celebrate their podium with an impromptu routine from 'A Chorus Line'

You're not paranoid; we really are out to get you
Of course, Stoner winning in Qatar is an anti-New Zealand conspiracy by Australia, for the simple reason that everything else fucking well is. Just ask the New Zealand media. The NZ Knights failing to secure their A-League future isn't down to their own massive stuttering incompetence, but because the Aussies have it in for them. Last year the NZ Warriors were busted for salary cap breaches and were penalised a bunch of NRL comp points, but this year the Broncos are getting off scot-free: obvious anti-Kiwi consipiracy. Some stick-thin Kiwi twiglet entered an Australian national championship running race last week, won, and threw a tanty because she wasn't given a trophy, medal or even a gold star for participation. Now you'd think that being an Australian national championship event she'd have figured out that to get acknowledged as the champion you might actually have to be an Australian national, but no: obvious anti-Kiwi consipiracy. Lote Tuqiri, NZ national enemy number one for his spear-tackle on Richie McCaw (which noone in Australia remembers, much like George Smith's 'late hit' on mouthy Justin Marshall in the 2003 World Cup semi, but everyone in NZ from the Prime Minister down is carrying to their grave with them), re-signing for the Wallabies is clearly an anti-Kiwi consipiracy; to be fair though it can't actually be explained by any logical reasoning related to Tuqiri being a decent rugby player, let alone one worth the price of two New Zealand-based A-League franchises. Even Australia playing like perforated arse in their three Chappell Hadlee-matches last month was portrayed as the Aussies trying to bugger up the BLACKCAPSLOCKs World Cup preparation....
A balanced nation, New Zealand: chip on both shoulders.

We don't like cricket... which is a bit of a bugger really as that's all that's on for the next two months
And speaking of the most important World Cup in international sport, at least for this month anyway, here's our ICC CWC Photo Gallery...

















Unable to get a date in time, the entire NZ team went 'stag' to their Year 12 formal


















Proving that not everything Australian is an anti-NZ conspiracy, Glenn McGrath offers Jacob Oram a better solution for his broken finger rather than cutting the bloody thing off














Ipswich demonstrated its World Cup hosting credentials in a pre-tournament warmup game

















So if that little piggy's off to market, reckon he could get me a beer on his way back?

Slap(head) happy
Former Socceroo winger (actually the way he played for Perth last year, best just to say 'former winger') Stan Lazaridis has tested positive to finasteride, a masking agent for steroid use which is on Dick Pound's list of Naughty Stuff at the World Anti Doping Agency. Finthingy is also an ingredient in hair loss remedies, which Laza has claimed he needs to take in order to ward off congenital alopecia. One look at Stan Lazaridis will tell you why there is practically nobody in the Football Federation of Australia who disbelieves his story: he's a skinny Greek man with a bald patch. With a drug ban hanging over his head, and his only other option being to end up in one of those God-awful 'Yeah Yeah' commercials with Warnie and Mo' Matthews (I think he smokes his), Laza has pledged to develop alternative strategies to combat his condition.














One of the strategies Lazaridis has developed: supergluing a football over his bald patch



Artist's impression of what Lazaridis will look like should he be forced to stop taking the anti-slaphead pills








For the love of God... keep taking the pills, Laza.


The Doctor is OUT.