The story so far...
Andrew Symonds, banished from the Australian cricket team for drinking a beer in public, has successfully renegotiated his position with Cricket Australia chief executive James Sutherland using a spearfishing gun and a mating pair of Japanese mitten crabs he fished out of the Thames estuary using a homemade crabtrap. In the ensuing chaos the Real Australian XI, made up of a bunch of old drunks, bogans and washed-up ex-pros who (a) people actually like and (b) can actually play cricket, have been entered into the ICC World T20 tournament in place of the Cricket Australia-selected squad to whom neither (a) nor (b) apply and whose current whereabouts remain unconfirmed...
WoBNewsWire Previous T20 Reports:LONDON, 5 JUN 2009
Andrew 'Roy' Symonds has been flown back to Australia with his international cricket career again in tatters after more off-field indiscretions.LONDON, 6 JUN 2009
Cricket Australia (CA) called an extraordinary press conference today to announce changes to the official team squad for Australia's first match of the World Twenty20 Championship against the West Indies on Saturday (AEST).NOTTINGHAM, 7 JUN 2009
The Real Australian XI went through a light recovery session today ahead of tomorrow's ICC World T20 Group C match against Sri Lanka at Trent Bridge.
LONDON, 14 JUN 2009
WoBNewsWire with a splitting fucking hangover
The Australian challenge at the ICC World Twenty20 Championships appears all but over after consecutive shambolic performances in the opening games of the 'Super Eight' Group E round-robin against India and South Africa.
Having qualified for the Super Eights with comfortable wins over West Indies and Sri Lanka, the Australian camp was rocked by the decision of the ICC to suspend the Shane Warne-led 'Real Australian XI' team from the tournament and reinstate the squad originally selected by Cricket Australia, captained by Ricky Ponting as advertising commitments permit. Concerns about the legality of the team change as well as certain practices of the RealOz team management, in particular player coach Boof Lehmann's practice of sitting on an Esky full of coldies at midwicket and venting racially questionable epithets at opposition batsmen, were at the core of the ICC's decision according to the ICC's own press release. Concerns about India cracking the shits if someone actually good suddenly turned up and beat them, with the concomitant risk of the ICC's sugar daddies taking their bat, ball and financial underwriters and going home, were at the core of the ICC's decision according to pretty much everyone else who was paying vague attention.
The possibility of such a development now appears slim, with Cricket Australia's bunch of mirror-hogging vanity units collapsing to a catastrophic defeat against reigning T20 world champions and tournament sponsors India on Thursday, followed by their standard-issue rent-boy capitulation to South Africa today, with the only on-field highlights provided by the team being those in Brett Lee's hair. Australia now need a comprehensive victory from their remaining Super Eights game to have any prospect of qualifying for the semi-finals. Some sort of Biblical disaster befalling the other contenders for the runners-up spot in Group E would be somewhat handy as well.
Group E Standings as of 14 Jun
Teams Mat Won Lost Tied N/R Pts Net RR South Africa 2 2 0 0 0 4 +0.898 India 2 1 1 0 0 2 +0.150 England 2 1 1 0 0 2 -0.287 Australia 2 0 2 0 0 0 -1.216
The side entered by Cricket Australia which purports to represent that nation has also been struck down with injuries. Vice captain Lara Bingle will miss the crucial clash against India on Monday after receiving a nasty paper cut from his/her/its new six-figure modelling contract. Team doctors have also confirmed that Brett Lee has broken a nail and Nathan Bracken has split ends, although these are said to be responding to treatment and while recovery won't happen overnight, it will happen. However the most significant injury concern is that over the Hussey brothers, Dull Hussey and Spare Hussey, who will play no further part in the tournament after both dislocated shoulders while armwrestling to settle a dispute over which of the pair was the most mournfully fucking disinteresting.
In place of Dull Hussey, Cricket Australia have called up nuggety NSW captain Simon Katich, originally left out of the side under the 'Kasey Chambers' provision in the selection criteria, i.e. he's Not Pretty Enough. Cricket Australia said they have no intention of replacing Spare Hussey at this stage, because that would mean the risk of having to pick Brad Hodge, long marginalised by the selectors who clearly feel that selecting players based on form or merit would set a very dangerous precedent for the side, and worse, it may mean that some of the Key Creative Personnel in the side might find themselves benched for playing rubbish cricket, right in the middle of a big-dollar marketing campaign.
Meanwhile, SK Warne and all other individuals associated with the dissident Real Australian XI are currently being sought by Interpol on behalf of the ICC, though it is believed they have disappeared into the sympathetic Anzac community of inner-west London, apart from Roy and Haydos who've gone fishing. As a result Cricket Australia and the ICC remain fearful these perpetrators may never be brought to justice for their crimes against cricket, i.e. wanting to actually play some instead of prancing about the place like a pack of fucking ponces waiting for their next big endorsement cheque.
More news if we can be arsed.
The Doctor is OUT.
14 comments:
it'd be a good side.
They had an alternative side for T20 side on offsiders today. Warne to coach, then haydos, gilly, hodge, carseldine, reardon, mcgain, symonds, ...
To quote Ashley Mallett, Australian spinners at the moment couldn't turn the ball in a concrete mixer.
Ouch.
Anyway - with news just in - word is that Glenn McGrath has stepped on a footy at a pub in Leicester, and has been replaced in the RealOz squad by Stuart Clark - and noone even noticed the difference.
You need to get a column in FHM!
This Ashes series is going to be interesting
Beeso - have been saying it for a while, but picking blokes who'd shown form in the IPL (like Hodge, Katich, Carseldine, Harwood et al) rather than the same old failing faces would have made a massive difference. Warner was shite in the IPL. Haddin didn't even get a contract. Spare Hussey got outplayed by Hodge in the games he turned up for. Can't even remember Dull Hussey being there. Blee got absolutely tonked. Etc etc etc.
AJ - yes. Where's the bouncing Czech, Krejza comma J fullstop? He was at least a bit mad. Presumably he wasn't pretty enough either, or was too fulleh ethnic bro like Katich.
Lerm - as Mr-Stu and I were discussing a while back on Twunter, this Ashes is shaping up as a race to the bottom. Not sure who's ahead at the moment...
At the moment I say the ball is in your court, opps wrong sport, but you do seem to be in disarray and are not use to losing whereas us Poms are used to it and the pressure so if we lose it's expected and if we win we will be kings!
Surprised the ALP hasnt signed them up, PLAIN, vanilla, dont want to upset the apple cart JUST FUCKING BORING TEAM WE HAVE..more spin on the field required, than whats happening off the effin pitch.
Mr-Stu - hmmm by my maths the next game for Australia in this version of reality would be against the Three Lions.
H - having shit players who try their guts out is one thing. Having shit players who carry on like they're worldbeaters is something else. Can accept it if we have a sub-stellar generation of players coming through, but I can't accept their fucking attitude (and more importantly the Cricket Aust hierarchy).
You didn't warn us that this was going to be a tradgedy!!!
I might go home now, I am going to be too down to work the rest of the day.
Cheer up Naut - we'll still beat the poms! All it will take is having Warney at the ground!
Actually, having him in the England team's WAGs enclosure would probably work just as well. Can't see Kievien Pieiterieitieresen keeping his skunk-headed mind on the job while his former BFF's tuning the fuck out of his missus...
Fucking brilliant! Kreszja has to be given a go. The major obsatcles to success in the Ashes are a lack of heart and a lack of moisturiser and hair product for the ponces.
Warney will be lurking. All he'll need to do is stand out the front when the England team bus rolls up and then point and laugh. They'll shit themselves.
Apparently KP has some sort of 'injury' which may threaten his total involvement in the Ashes series. Surely he didn't give his missus Warnie's mobile no?
As a picture tells a thousand words I'll respond with pic links:
Pietersen's missus would be worth injuring yourself to stay at home with.
Although you may be onto something with the phone thing Therbs.
Keep finding continuity errors in the above. This is what happens writing with hangovers. To recap: we've lost to India and South Africa. Not Pakistan. No idea how they ended up in here. Pakistan are gonna kick off? What fucking game are we playing here?
Doesn't really matter where we're playing. The things is that Roy and Haydos have to sneak back into the side after the ICC booted the 'Real' team. Perhaps Roy king hits Lara and pretends to be him. Puts on some perfume and hair gel and everyone is fooled, thinking that only Mr Bingle would wear such a girly scent. Haydos could just become very dull and pretend to be Hussey comma M. Warney could wear a dunce's cap and pretend to be Punter.
THe linked photos = awesome!
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