AND we're going to the World Cup. The real, round-ball one. Out of interest, anyone remember the score the last time we played either the English or the Dutch at football? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?
No, The Dumbest Thing I Have Seen In A Long, Long Time is this.
This informative and educational flyer was found taped to the departmental Zip hot water unit last week. The photo's shit - taken with my dodgy cheap-arse LG cameraphone immediately after the second coffee of the morning, hence the high-frequency quivering - but the text is hopefully still legible:
Energy
Challenge
Electricity consumption
Biochemistry May 2009
124990 kWh
(121360 kWh, May 2008)
For that amount of energy 108 people
could have been flown to Hawaii
Challenge
Electricity consumption
Biochemistry May 2009
124990 kWh
(121360 kWh, May 2008)
For that amount of energy 108 peoplecould have been flown to Hawaii
For. Fuck's. Sake.
Where to start with this?
- First of all, when the fuck did the Systeme International approve the use of 'number of people you can fly to Hawaii' as the official SI unit of energy measurement?
- Why Hawaii?
- Do they get to come back as well, or do they have to go somewhere closer like Fiji instead? Are transfers included? Accommodation and spending money? Can they get airpoints? Are they flying Air NZ? Do Air NZ even fly to Hawaii? Will Air NZ lose their bags? (Actually, that's not a question, that's a given.)
- Most importantly, did they book their flights through the official university approved travel agency so the costs can get reimbursed?
- We've got around 2-3 times that many people in the department. If we shut the place down for a couple of months can we ALL go to Hawaii?
- Can we choose who we send? Can we just send the 108 most useless people in the department somewhere equally well out of the way, say Pitcairn Island or Scott Base? How the fuck do we narrow it down to just the 108?
- Do the fucking muppets in Property Services who come up with this shit seriously expect to be taken seriously by a department full of vaguely intelligent academic staff with some modicum of scientific training? Particularly when they tape it to the fucking Zip water heater which is hardwired ON by Property Services?
- Can we not fly Air France, if it's all the same with you guys?
(What, too soon?)
The Doctor is OUT.
24 comments:
I've been to Hawaii. It's shit. Can we change the unit of measurement to how many people you can fly AWAY from there in a hurry?
What if you're IN Hawaii? Is your net energy use zero? Have the University of Hawaii invented a perpetual motion machine that generates energy from nothing, thus breaking the first law of thermodynamics and almost assuredly plunging the ENTIRE UNIVERSE into QUANTUM DISORDER and MIND BENDING FUCKING CHAOS???
I really don't think these people have thought it through.
Jamin - that could be defined as a net energy gain to the system (vectored in the opposite direction to energy lost through running an academic research department) - hence you'd be producing energy. A win for everyone! Of at least for the department, who seem to be the only people who use energy that prevents people from flying to Hawaii. Maybe we need to use MORE energy in order to prevent people having to suffer through chintzy cliched Hawaiian holiday experiences. I'll get the boys to crank the X-ray crystallography suite up to Eleven. See if we can empty the place out completely.
Must admit the Aussie cricket board sending Andrew Symonds home was pretty dumb. England's loss was a good kick up the backside that they needed.
As for the poster somebody needs to find themselves something more productive to do!
I'm trying to erase Stu's comment about Roy from my consciousness.....
I think we should invade Hawaii (obviously not considering the defences they've had there since WW2 and not considering the counter attack as well).
Be a great stepping stone for the invasion.....or conquest....of The States post Zombie Apocalypse.
...about the only way I'll get to visit the place. Just thinking ahead.
we did lose to Bangladesh last time in the real shortened form of the game though :P Considering half their side is probably there for a good feed and a cab ride home - that's pretty shit :P
Stu - the really dumb part was picking a bunch of clowns who can't actually play T20 cricket - either played very poorly in the IPL or didn't even get picked up by IPL teams.
Moko - we can't do that, imagine how many months we'd have to shut down the department in order to get enough energy use credits to fly the ADF over there in all its glory.
AJ - thought it was Zimbabwe we lost too last time? Bangers was a full ODI. Either way they probably just wanted to get back to their farms before Bobby Mugabe reappropriated them.
Zero net energy use in Hawaii kind of makes sense, otherwise there was no way they could have afforded the amount of hairdryer use that was required to make Magnum P.I..
One wonders what the correct SI unit for energy usage would be in Hawaii. Having discussed this with Adjunct Professors of Physics and Shit, Lobes, Havock and Moko, we propose the following convention - that energy usage to be defined in equivalents of Laps of Maui in a Ferrari 308 with a bootful of pineapples, with the roof up such that the drag coefficient of Magnum's massive handlebar mo' has no net effect on air resistance.
Energy use conversion for those wedded to SI units: 1 MWh = 0.864 persons flown to Hawaii from RUNZL (Random Undefined NZ Location) = 9681.3 GLM (GigaLaps of Maui).
Net energy use, shmet energy use! That is one of the most bizarre things I've ever seen anyone advertise. And they put it on a Zip boiler!!!FFS!!! Its difficult to see the logic here. Think I'll just step backwards s l o w l y and duck out the fire exit.
As far as the selectors are concerned I've previously stated my opinion of them as a bunch of do-gooder arse-clowns who deserve to be dressed up as Indian students and abandoned in the streets of Harris Park with anti-Lebanese placards superglued to their arses.
Shane Watson, Hussey comma M, Michael "I speak about myself in the 3rd person" Clark are just a few who should be not included in t-20 teams. Ponting's unimaginative, stilted, predictable captaincy and the bowlers' lack of variety was a disgrace. It was crap in a shit sandwich.
Therbs - we wondered exactly what the point of the thing was, what they wanted us to do with this information that they were so breathlessly providing (in multiple colour copies - no wastage there of course.) Use less power? How would we do that exactly given that probably 90% of the power use in the department is taken up by very big fuck-off bits of research equipment that noone is allowed to switch off, for instance the X-ray crystallography unit which takes up half the ground floor and seems to suck comparable power to an aluminium smelter?
Exsfuckensactly Mr Therbs. Every other country picked a side out of the people who HAD FORM IN THIS FORM OF THE GAME. The Saffers' to players were in every side which did well in the IPL. The Kiwis - Kegs Ryder got Bangalore to the finals, Ross Taylor almost won them the fucker, Oram was there, McCullum, etc etc etc. Who were the Aussies in form in the IPL? Hayden, Gilchrist, Symonds, Katich, Harwood, Warne (though he got a bit of tap) etc etc etc. NOT BRETT FUCKING LEE. He was shite in the IPL and he was shite this morning and he should probably think twice about bothering coming home. You're right about Brad Hodge, he was much more impressive for Kolkata than Spare Hussey ever was. Warner was rubbish for Punjab. Watson didn't even turn up. Bingle stayed home to have Narcissistic sex with him/her/itself. Haddin wasn't even picked up by an IPL team, he was passed in, as was Stuart Clark. Punter has decided it's the month before an Ashes tour, time to start getting out LBW falling over in front of all three again. And Brett Lee, again, what the fuck is he doing there? Who the fuck is going to want to buy Weetbix when all it makes you do is is bowl a lot of pitched-up slop in the last over of a sudden-death T20 game?
I don't know why we picked this side. I don't know HOW we picked this side. I really don't think we'd have done much worse with our XXXX Gold Beach Cricket team, plus a couple of IPL ringers like Gilly, Haydos and Roy.
Dumb question....is their point that those amount of KWH would be enough to power some electrically-driven jet that could carry 108 people? Or, the COST of the KWH could be used to buy tickets for 108 people?
What about luggage? Is luggage included? And food? If a no-frills C130 is used, could more people go?
What if they were flown someplace closer and cheaper, like Bangkok? Could the airline throw in some rope and fishnet stockings, for a little auto-erotic asphyxiation, Bangkok-style?
(too soon?)
Another dumb question...only 1 striker? Considering the 0-0 score against a team which Australia seems to have been bitch-slapping, or possibly even playing "why are you hitting yourself?" with, may I assume the Aussies were running with the much under-appreciated 6-3-1?
Steve - a very good question which again the 'Energy Manager' has no apparent answer to. Presuming it's the energy use equivalents in kWh required to fly the peeps there because they've not defined what they're costing their kWh at. And that's even without getting into whether they're assuming energy usage for a 747/777/A330 with bits frosted over, burning avgas is presumed to cost in any equivalent manner to coal-fired, hydro, wind or whatever. Which is another point. Power's fucking expensive in NZ because most of it is made by capital-expensive means - costs a lot to dam a river - so what would be the relative equivalence for an Australian whose power is significantly cheaper (more shit to dig up and burn). Then again they probably get more direct flights to Hawaii.
As you can tell by the various Air France cracks appearing above (ahem) it's never too soon.
Re the Qatar game - needed a point, wanted a point, set up for a point, got a point. They're dull as fuck to watch at the moment under Pim. But we're at the big dance, a hell of a lot less painfully than the last time (knockout qualifier vs UR Gay, who knocked us out of cup qualifying the same way in 2001.) Now to learn to score goals.
And what is the SI unit for looking for black boxes at the bottom of the Atlantic off the coast of Brazil? Probably more than a Clive Cussler print run.
As far as the Qatar game is concerned, I don't give a stuff if we bored the tits off everyone. We're fucking there!
I heard one of the commentators last night reckoning that the only reason Punter was bowling Lee for more than a one over spell was to get him in shape for opening the bowling in the Ashes. How fucking puddled is that? I reckon its wrong. The reason Ponting made his bowling decisions is because he's as thick as a whale omelette and has the imagination and tactical ability of a pilot whale beaching itself on Honchu outside the local equivalent of Doyles Seafood Restaurant at the very moment that the head chef is walking along the seaside promenade, trying to come up with what to run as today's special.
Ricky Ponting, to borrow a line from Edmund Blackadder, is thicker than the big print version of War and Peace. Though the whale analogies are apt (and fucking funny.) He's got two four-day warmup games against County opposition to get Blee to try and arrest the suck, and he's wasting an over bowling him in the end of a T20 game? Talentless arseclown.
Yeah, but you were talking Air France flying dodgy Airbuses. I was talking about David Carradine, an acting legend! I was worried I might offend the sensibilities of any serious Kung Fu fans.
Pim Verbeek - the only man to play 8-1-1 and call it attacking as not EVERYONE's behind the ball :P
SCHWARZER -> REST OF SIDE -> KEWELL -> CAHILL = 8-1-1 :P
Ahh hell - we qualified I guess - and I was on the draw @ $3.65 - now I hope we learn to score some goals :P
AJ - the draw was WHAAAATTTT????? At $3.65 hell I'd have put Lucas' entire college fund on it. All three bucks fitty and a Pizza Hut coupon of it.
$3.65? For the Bahrain game Australia is currently $1.65, Bahrain $7.25 ("hello Indian bookmakers, this is Mark Schwarzer"), draw is $3.75.
Australia 1-0 or 2-0 is $6, 2-1 $7.50 etc etc.
What are the odds of Australia even turning up at the Bahrain adventure?
We have to invent a rule where any team competing in a dead rubber in any sport in any country must be pissed. And I'm not talking light-headed off a couple of shandies like the pansies populating the work-experience krikkit team right now kind of pissed, but 4-sails-to-the-wind like Boony and Hawkey on a long-haul type drunk. The kind of drunk where the power from your gas releasing is measured in kWh and posted on a Zip boiler in some boffin temple somewhere in New Zealand for some boffiny-type boffins to boffin over.
Wonder what the odds would have been on the NZ All Whites leading Italy at halftime this morning? Ended up losing 4-3 but still...
Mr Box I am very intrigued by your proposal and would like to subscribe to your pamphlet.
Two blot to us - should have been on the six bucks I can see.
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