World T20 Update II: Gayle blows, everyone else sucks

WoBNewsWire Previous T20 Reports:
LONDON, 5/6 JUNE 2009
Andrew Symonds, banished from the Australian cricket team for drinking a beer in public, has successfully renegotiated his position with Cricket Australia chief executive James Sutherland using a spearfishing gun and a mating pair of Japanese mitten crabs he fished out of the Thames estuary using a homemade crabtrap. In the ensuing chaos the Real Australian XI, made up of a bunch of old drunks, bogans and washed-up ex-pros who (a) people actually like and (b) can actually play cricket, have been entered into the ICC World T20 tournament in place of the Cricket Australia-selected squad to whom neither (a) nor (b) apply and whose current whereabouts remain unconfirmed.

NOTTINGHAM, 7 JUNE 2009
WoBNewsWire with Wire Sources
(mostly the dude at Bunnings who cuts it off the reel for us)

The Real Australian XI went through a light recovery session today ahead of tomorrow's ICC World T20 Group C match against Sri Lanka at Trent Bridge.

Following yesterday's 97-run victory over the West Indies at the Oval in London, the Real Australian squad are confident of progressing to the knockout stage of the tournament. RealOz scored 217/3 in their 20 overs, led by an unbeaten 134 from 70 by RealOz vice-captain Adam Gilchrist, made more remarkable by the fact he spent much of his innings talking live to the Nine Network commentary team via a microphone in his helmet. Nine were not actually covering the match, it was just that it'd been a while since they'd all caught up on Skype. The call was terminated abruptly at Gilchrist's end after Michael Slater asked him, 'So how's your wife and my kids?'

Also in the runs were Matthew Hayden and Stuart Law, reportedly because of a green Thai curry Hayden made for the team inadvertently using out-of-date coconut milk - and player/coach Darren 'Boof' Lehmann who repeatedly belted Windies pacemen Taylor and Edwards over the back of the main grandstand. The injuries thus sustained made it difficult for either to play in the ensuing match and both had to be replaced shortly before the toss.

In reply the West Indies were all out for 120 inside 16 overs despite the efforts of mercurial captain Chris Gayle who blasted 88 from 50 balls with typical disregard of the quality of the Australian attack, as well as typical disregard for the situation of the match. The only other West Indies batsman to offer resistance was former Queensland middle-order batsman Brendan Nash, who at time of press was the only former Queensland player of the past fifteen years not invited for inclusion in the Real Australian squad. Nash remained not-out on 24. The remainder of the West Indies batting lineup played like busted arseholes, in particular the supposedly experienced Shivnarine Chanderpaul who deigned to take strike against RealOz captain Shane Warne with a batting stance so ridiculously open he was actually facing wicketkeeper Gilchrist. Chanderpaul was immediately bowled around his legs by Warne for a golden duck. This precipitated the rest of the West Indies middle and lower order collapsing like a balsa wood deckchair for next to no runs, as fucking usual. I mean it's not as though any half-talented side could actually lose to these muppets is it?

Despite the emphatic nature of the victory and their overwhelming popularity with the Oval crowd, which largely consisted of pissed Aussie bogans living six to a room in Earls Court, there remain some stormclouds on the horizon for the Real Australian outfit. The team's registration for the event has only been provisionally accepted under protest while the ICC figure out what the fuck they're doing. This is hoped for by November 2017. Additionally, the fact that Boof, Warnie and Roy entered their registration on a piece of corrugated cardboard ripped out of the back of a carton of XXXX Gold has raised questions about the legitimacy of the application. Team media manager Jimmy Maher declined the opportunity to answer questions at training as it was his turn to bat at backyard cricket having taken an absolute fucking speccie at cow-hit corner off Stuie MacGill (coincidentally the only shot SCG MacGill actually has in his kit bag). However Maher did grant our reporter the opportunity to hold his beer while he had a bat, on the proviso that it was understood there was to be no backwashing, under pain of nuggeting, and the one-hand one-bounce rule only applied to fielders with can in hand.

In other news New Zealand defeated Scotland in a heavily rain-affected match which was reduced to one ball per side. New Zealand equalled Scotland's target of six, resulting in a tied result. The match was subsequently decided in NZ's favour by a six-ball Super Over eliminator.

More news as we make it up.

The Doctor is OUT.