It's a rule for a reason: don't ever pick a hero player as a coach. Just don't. Newcastle United, having tried repeatedly to get anywhere other than busted-arse-nowhere with former legend Kevin Keegan quivering at the helm, know this well. But, clearly, not well enough to avoid doing it all over again with Alan Shearer.
What was intended as an April Fools prank was US auto mag Car and Driver's hilarious wheeze of declaring that the heavily bandaged-up US carmakers under governmental protection were to be ordered to pull out of the large money hole that is NASCAR by presidential decree, leaving Toyota to dominate. Cletuses, Bubbas, Dwaynes and Billy-Joe-Jim-Bobs from North Carolina to, erm, South Carolina were united in their outrage against what that uppity law-school negra gone done to they sport. Dale Joonyer in an import? The terrorists has won! Ah'm startin' a milisha. The gummint had to issue a denial, Car and Driver were forced to back down and issue an apology, and fun times were had by all.
Which brings us, in as roundabout a way as even the tenuous seguedom the WoB has built its frankly shabby name on would permit, to insulting people, particularly foreigners, in the second part of our series on Offending People You Don't Know And Would Rather Not Be Arsed With. (We call it a series, when in point of fact it's more accurately a miniseries. A miniseries of two, in fact, which is technically as mini a series can be and still be called a series.) Following our incisive, objective and not-at-all-totally-fucking-wank discussion on swearing, we now turn to insults, and the difference between insults and sledging.
Insults are rude things said to, of or about another individual in order to offend them and make them cry like a little bitch. An instructive example:
"I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries."This is an insult, and a very good example thereof. As is this:
"You fucking stupid fucking cunt!"Sledging, on the other hand, is exactly the same, but contextualised within the greater aim of winning a sporting contest. It has been called many things - mind games, mental disintegration, the Dirty Words - but the point of the exercise is to remove your competition from the contest by shooting big fuck-off holes in their concentration, self-confidence or self-esteem. For example:
"I'm just going to say one thing. I'm really happy to be back in Calgary; I love Canada. I just want to comment on how it's become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don't know what that's about, but enjoy the game tonight."This is sledging. And a very good example thereof, but we'll get back to that momentarily.
The greatest sledge in history, as discussed many moons past, was directed at once-unlikeable Strayan quick Glenn McGrath by lard-arsed Zimbabwean pig farmer and bottom order batsman Eddo Brandes in a mid-'90s tour match. We quote verbatim from ourselves because we're fucking lazy like that:
In the mid-'90s Australia was touring Zimbabwe (well, someone had to) and McGrath was putting all his efforts - physical and verbal - into trying to dislodge Zimbabwean number 11 Eddo Brandes, a somewhat chunky gentleman who spent his days farming pigs. (Being (a) Zimbabwean and (b) white, one hopes he still has a farm these days on which to farm aforesaid pigs.) McGrath had run through his full repertoire, both in terms of bowling and bellowing, and was clearly getting hugely frustrated with the rotund Brandes' arsey survival efforts - thick nicks through the slip cordon, wild swipes across the line, that sort of thing.Unfortunately, in these more enlightened times, jokes about Glenn McGrath's wife aren't as funny as they used to be, due to the passing of time, or more accurately the passing of Glenn McGrath's wife.
Finally, out of ideas and out of patience after another piece of dubious escapology on his nemesis' part, McGrath stood mid-pitch, hands on hips in his characteristic 'teapot' pose, and snarled:
"Why are you so fucking fat?"
Brandes considered this for a moment, and replied amiably:
"Because every time I fuck your wife, she gives me a biscuit."
So is this any longer the greatest sledge in history?
To borrow a line from Millencolin, can I say no?
The greatest sledge in history, solely in terms of impact, is undoubtedly whatever Marco Materazzi said to Zinedine Zidane in the back end of the 2006 World Cup final to compel the potential French matchwinner into nutting him one and spending the duration of the game, including the decisive penalty shootout, camped in the changing sheds blubbing like Nick D'Arcy. (And then Zizou's lousy weekend was compounded by his car refusing to start next morning.)
Make no mistake, sledging won Italy the World Cup. But seeing as though neither's account of the event can probably be relied upon as a true reading of the facts, and seeing as though no independent party has ever definitively determined what it was that Materazzi said to Zidane - or whether the exchange of biscuits were involved - this can hardly qualify as The Greatest Sledge EVAAAAARRRRRR.So, instead, I propose Mr Sean Avery of the NHL's Dallas Stars. Erm, sorry about that. The NHL's NY Rangers. This week, anyway.
Now, I don't know much about the NHL, but I know this. You can't punch a dude if he's on the ice; skating over people's faces is apparently off-limits; Ovechkin is probably better than Crosby but not a fucking chance will the Canucks admit it; and Sean Avery is a complete fucking douche. Consider him the Willie Mason or Jason Akermanis of the NHL, just cranked up to eleven and doused liberally with a 40-gallon can of Douche-Me-Up. Full of piss and wind? Check. Suspended half the season, as much for off-the-field indiscretions as cretinous acts of neanderthal stupidity on it? Check. Hated furiously by opposition fans? Check. Hated by most of his own as well? Check and mate. Thanks for playing. Now fuck off.
Avery is a dirty cheating bastard, so much so that rules have had to be invented to ban dirty cheating acts of bastardry pioneered by Avery that anyone before him in the history of competitive ice hockey could have tried but nobody before him thought in any way appropriate to the traditions and spirit of the game. He's always gobbing off in the media, or at other players or team officials, whether on his team or not. And his case is definitely not helped by being very publically interested in the fashion business - to the point of guest-editing an issue of US Men's Vogue - and trying to disguise his blatant latent fashionista gayness by banging the arse off a series (more than two this time) of models, starlets and actrines, including fellow Canuck Elisha Cuthbert and World's Greatest Living MILF Rachel Hunter. These, of course, were the aforementioned 'sloppy seconds' who Avery so memorably referenced in his pre-game shout-out before the Flames-Stars stoush in December last year.
So, Avery's a douche. World's Best Practice, at that. But that is one hell of a sledge. Even the greats of cricket sledging - Roy Symonds drunkenly comparing Baz McCullum to 'a lump of shit... sorry, cowdirt', or Ian Healy suggesting to Arjuna Ranatunga that 'you don't get a runner for being a fat overweight cunt' - can't compare to the impact generated by Avery's morning-skate sledge. Particularly, we should note, to himself - being immediately suspended indefinitely (later pegged at six games) by the NHL and shortly thereafter having his new four-year contract torn up by the Stars. But true connoisseurs of sledging - and Australians as a sporting nation most definitely qualify as such - understand that the true value of a sledge is in the residual psychological damage that continutes to resonate in the tortured minds of the sledged opponent, long after the momentary on-pitch victory or defeat has flittered past time's sundial. On this count, to theft a pertinent Seppo sportsmedia cliche, Avery comes up large in someone else's building.
Just put yourself in the shoes of either of the two hapless muppets in Avery's sights that day - Flames defender (fucked if I'm calling him a 'defenceman') Tenacious Dion Phaneuf, current fuck of Ms Cuthbert, or Kings forward Jarret Stoll, leaseholder of not only a fairly stupid name but also Ms Hunter. You go home after a long, hard day of skating about the place not punching blokes in the head if they're on the ground or skating on their face or whatever, shake off the snow, chuck your skates and your stick in the front hall, and proceed to the boudoir. There young Elisha/not-so-young-but-still-a'ight Rachel is reposing seductively across your bed. There's but one thing on her mind. She wants the full extent of your stick (technically up to 12.5 inches from the end of the shaft under NHL sporting regulation Rule 19). She wants you to put it in the back of her net. She wants to puck like she's never pucked before. (Sorry. I'm aware this is arse.) And yet, all you can think is...
Avery fucked her.
Avery fucked her.
Not even intravenous Cialis is getting you back in that game.
Sean Avery 1, Rest of the NHL 0.
Of course, as Australasians, we're generally baffled by the near-lynching of Avery following comments which, made here, might have put Aker or Big Stupid Fucken Willie on the front page of the Daily Terror for a day or two in a slow news week - hell, even Sonny Bill pounding that triathlete chicky in a nightclub Brasco was only news for a couple of days. This, we must assume, is a cultural thing. And insults are very much dependant on one's cultural point of reference. What one culture finds gravely offensive another culture will find bloody hilarious. The Spanish, f'rinstance, are wont to deal with particularly obstinant rivals by declaring their fervent wish to defecate in the milk of their mother. Fellow Spaniards may find this prospect mortifying; I dare say most Australasian mothers would probably just go back down the shops and buy another two litres of Trim. After giving the perpetrator a good clip around the ears and directions to the nearest public convenience for future reference. There is also a phrase in Serbo-Croat, which I can neither spell nor accurately pronounce despite being taught it on several occasions (almost all of which were drunken, which figures) which when delivered correctly infers that one's competitive rival has female relations who are 'so loose they cannot piss straight.' One to remember for Melbournites looking to attend next year's Australian Open tennis, methinks.
We round up our discussion with some of my own personal favourite custom insults:
Arseclown (n)
Origin: One of Roy and HG's Olympic shows, can't remember which
Derivation: Pretty obvious
Usage: Broad-spectrum
Offensiveness: Moderate
Twunt (n, v)
Origin: English colloqualism, via Andy Zieren, bad man that he isDerivation: Contraction of twat (colloq. female reproductive parts) and cunt (colloq. Kyle Sandilands)
Usage: Noun - paired with complementary Mockney adjectives (as per Guy Ritchie gangster flicks) eg jammy twunt, gobby twunt, twunty twunt, pie-eating Lampard of a twunt. Verb - describing the intended force with which a shot on goal, golf shot etc should be hit i.e. 'Just twunt the twunting twunter up the middle of the twunt'
Slunt (n)
Origin: My boss
Derivation: Have a guess
Usage: Frequent (see also 'Jesus suffering fuck')
Offensiveness: Not quite as bad as twunt, extensive field studies indicate
Choad warrior (n)
Origin: Half a dozen Speights and much talking of bollocks down the pub
Derivation: Conjugation of the overseas-market title of Mad Max with egregious right-wing NZ politician Rodney Hide (wider than his overall length, as required by definition)
Usage: Indiscriminate
Offensiveness: Not as much as that fat choad Rodney Hide, that's for fucking sure
But, as ever at the World of Bollocks, we welcome your suggestions...
The Doctor is OUT.
(To make a house call at yo' mama's, yeah?)
11 comments:
LoL - Thanks for reminding me of the Healy-Ranuntunga sledge. I had quite forgotten that one. Its hard to go past Eddie Brandes classic comeback but you're dead right that jokes about Jane McGrath dont seem as funny anymore.
So I'd like to nominate one you missed. Steve Waugh vs Hershel Gibbs in the 99 WC semi-final:
"mate you just dropped the World Cup"
After Gibbs grassed a chance off him. Even better Tugger went on to make a ton after the dropped catch. Geez that was an awesome CWC. But yeah, Materazzi FTW.
Your theory about hero players not making good managers seems pretty true. Obvious exceptions like Beckenbauer and Bobby Robson are very much outliers in a sea of mediocrity. But losing 6-1 !! Thats got to be a new low. I didnt know La Paz was at 3700m though. I've skied at that sort of altitude and its not easy. Playing football would be insane!
I remember reading about a Victorian State player commenting to Steve Waugh that he was taking too long to take guard in a Sheffield Sheild match.
Waugh kept fussing around until he was quite ready until the Vic said "Hurry the fuck up, this isn't a Test Match". To which Waugh replied "of course it isn't, you're here".
Which I always thought was pretty good!
I'll try slunt out tomorrow!
Road Warrior is actually the name of the 2nd Mad Max film, we call the first one Mad Max. I think they felt the prominent display of "Rock the Casbah" era Joe Strummer in assless chaps and some gay guy in a loin cloth and a Jason Voorhees mask required some rebranding.
And La Paz is pretty damn high, and very fucking hard to get to via car. A friend of mine dated a Bolivian girl, and he took a bus to La Paz....he was never more frightened in his life.
& some great players do make great coaches.
The greatest of them all, would have to be S K Warne in his imposing display in the IPL last year! As Captain & COach no less.
Warnie forever & always!
And that Avery bloke sounds like a champion. FTP! (SK has to get the Win)
Let there be no doubt in your mind....Sean Avery is at his happiest when he is on the receiving end of a Bukake experience.
All the more reason why if you were dating a girl, and you'd knew that fucker had crawled through her, you'd instantly be opting out of further proceedings. The guy's a douche, but the sledge was brilliant.
I was trying to think of an Australian sporting equivalent - someone who slagged off other players' girls and got their arse kicked from here to Christmas for it - and all I could come up with was Wayne Carey from the AFL. He didn't so much slag off anyone's missus as bang someone else's missus - his teammate's missus - in fact his best mate's missus - in the bathroom of his best mate/teammate's house, during a party his best mate/teammate and aforesaid missus were holding. For that he got offed from North Melbourne and ended up having to move to Adelaide. Punishment enough in itself. Then again Carey's originally from Wagga.
Years and years back - like 1987 or something - Nelson Piquet Sr got interviewed in Brazilian Playboy and slagged off Nigel Mansell's missus, said she was a dog. He also called Ayrton Senna gay and said he'd named his own dog Senna so he could legitimately put the boot into it. He got a free pass for that and won the F1 title that year. Though I figure if Golden Boy Lewis Hamiltron said likewise about Alonso or Massa's women there may be a shower of shit descending thereupon from the FIA (which Max Mosley would probably be right into given he's into other sorts of weird crap). No change there then. Suppose Hamiltard could also stop lying to the stewards in post-race inquiries, that'd probably help his case.
I figure the only real comeback that the wounded parties in the Avery case could come up with which would score equivalent long-term psych points - either the French-Canadian kiddie from the Flames or the other dude who's banging Rachel Hunter - is to send Mr Avery a lengthy POV-shot digital video of themselves banging the hell out of his ex, with aforesaid ladyfriend getting waaaayyyy more into it than ever she did with Avery, and willingly doing all the really nasty, dirty, degrading stuff he could never persuade her to do - no, not cleaning out the grease trap under the sink - though given Avery's reputation I dare say this may involve strap-ons and biting of pillows.
Lobes - hadn't forgotten the dropping of the world cup sledge (and it really couldn't have been directed at a more deserving tosser than Gibbs) - there was a long and winding discourse on the best cricket sledges in a previous post (it was a while back - immediately after the original Zidane-Materazzi incident in '06 - but linked here) You're right though, that's another sledge that paid off big time. The irony of the Argies losing to Bolivia at altitude is that Dago Madonna was a very public supporter of their campaign to have FIFA's rules rescinded against playing qualifiers at altitude. But yeah, it very rarely works, recalling a hero player to coach the side. Other examples that are working out reasonably well - Guardiola at Barca, Martin Johnson at England RFU (though that was ropey as fuck for many months). Mind you, Shearer-to-NUFC was never going to work purely because it's NUFC, the place is a bouncy castle of comic disasters.
Lerm - proof positive that Tugger was, is and remains God of Sledging. With Warnie at his right hand and Big Merv in his ear. Erm, you know what I mean. Not sure there's that much coaching to do in charge of a cricket team - as Warnie himself will tell you - probably more along the lines of "In we go boys, do as I do."
This is why you are one of the greatest and most important bloggers in the world!!!
There is way too much here to respond to it all, but let me just say that suspending Avery for that comment but allowing punch ons providing both players are upright, is what makes NHL so interesting.
A work mate of mine C once said to another work mate J "when you are home rooting your missus tonight, you are going to see my face".
J walks straight up to C the next morning and says only two words "YOU BARSTARD".
Hmm very long post , so fess up who did you plagarise?
Nah I'm just gobby as hell. One day I'll actually post something less than a couple of pars. Honest.
Naut, the thing about fighting.... if a couple punches are thrown, the refs break it up and both get a 2 minute roughing penalty. If it's a full-on donnybrook, the refs let them fight it out, let them get tired, and then when the guys are so beat they can't lift their arms, the 4 referees pull them apart and send them to the sin bin for 5 minute fighting majors. Fighting IS against the rules, and you do get penalties, but letting them fight has more to do with safety of others. Plus, if you let them fight, it often ends the spat there, reducing the possibility of retaliatory hits later, possibly causing injury.
Jaromir Jagr, one of the greatest hockey players of all time, who played for Pittsburgh, Washington and the NY Rangers, had a habit of whenever he had a problem with teammates, he'd get interviewed by his hometown newspaper in the Czech Republic and rip into them and how lazy they were. The funny thing is, being a premier hockey country, every NHL team has a scout in the CZ. So the scouts read it, call the GM back in the home city, and say, "Guess what Jagr's saying over here?" I'm not sure if Jagr is that stupid, or that's his subtle way of calling someone out.
Luc Robitaille, arguably one of the 3 best left wingers in NHL history, played for the NY Rangers back in the late 90's (see what I meant about them bringing in aging hall of famers at the end of their career?)....Robitaille used to play with Wayne Gretzky, which is how he racked up most of his points. But, in NY, he didn't have his game, mostly because he was getting old and didn't have the support. One of his teammates anonymously told a reporter, "He couldn't hit the water from the back of the Staten Island Ferry."
As an addendum - the sledge from the Victorian player - was actually Mark Waugh to Jamie Siddons. Poor old Jamie - still holds the world record I think of most first class cricket runs without playing a test match. That one would've REALLY hurt.
First-class 160 280 22 11587 245 44.91 35 53 206 0
FFS - anyone averaging 44.91 in first class cricket would be CAPTAINING most sides around the world - unfortunately when you're up against the middle order or Boon, Waugh/Waugh, Martyn, Jones et al - it just ain't fair :P
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