The most difficult job in the universe (other than being Madeleine Albright's fluffer)

Yeeeaaaaahhh, back with another one. We're told, by People Who Should Know - mostly out-of-work coaches in sportsmedia pundit roles, that coaching teams in modern professional sport is a Serious Undertaking. It's complicated. Multi-layered. A science in itself - combining elements of sports science, political science, physical science, medical science, even chemical science if you happened to be helming the Astana tilt at the last Tour de France they were allowed in. It involves being all things to all people - a negotiator, a mediator, a motivator, a psychologist, a doctor, a Machiavel, an accountant, a HR manager, a legal expert and a public relations advisor all at once. It is very, very difficult. And it is not, repeat NOT, all about stomping about the dressing sheds shouting swearily at overpaid, underperforming prima donna sportswankers until they actually pull finger and put in.

This morning, at half time in the second-leg UEFA Champions League of Champions League quarter-final between Liverpool and Chelsea, things weren't looking terribly flash for the West London concern. Sure, they brought a two-goal lead into the match courtesy their 3-1 win at Anfield the week before, meaning the Scousers would have to score at least three goals without reply in the second leg at Stamford Bridge to get past them. Liverpool were without their inspirational captain and Scousest Man Alive 2002-09 Steven Gerrard, due to injury. Liverpool were also playing on the 20th anniversary of losing nearly a hundred of their supporters, crushed to death in the third-world insanity of Hillsborough, which would either inspire them or, surely more likely, render them emotionally crippled by the gravity and enormity of the occasion.


Half time: not so much. Liverpool 2 Chelsea 0 (3-3 on aggregate), the former needing just the one more for a famous European comeback - to rank along side their astonishing resurrection from three-nil down to a penalty shootout win over AC Milan in the 2005 final - and more to the point, they looked worthy of two-blot and more, Chelsea playing like a stoichometric array of busted arses and lucky to be still in the tie at all.

Full time: Liverpool 4 Chelsea 4 (5-7 on aggregate.) The greatest game of European football since that six-goal Champions League final, and before it the UEFA Cup final of 2001 which Liverpool won 5-4. The key point, though, isn't that if you want a good game of Euro footer, get the Scousers involved. It's that at half time, Chelsea were shot ducks, regardless of whether they were technically ahead on away goals if the result stood as it was - which it definitely wasn't the way they were playing. After the half they went out with a sense of purpose - that purpose being to hammer in goal after goal to counter the barrage from the red side of the pitch, every one of Liverpool's equalled by one of theirs. After the half, in short, the overpaid, underperforming prima donnas of Chelsea actually pulled finger and put in. And why was that, do you think? Through some complicated, touchy-feely, psychological-parameter-balancing motivational technique on behalf of their work experience coach, Aussie Guus Hiddink?

Well, yeah. If you count stomping around the dressing sheds shouting swearily at them as a motivational technique. First half: Chelsea play poorly. Half time: Chelsea get ripped a new set of arseholes. Second half: Chelsea score four goals.

Coaching. It's complicated, I tells ya.

The Doctor is OUT to investigate whether he can get his UEFA coaching badges from some dodgy online outfit like Alan Shearer presumably has.