Corporate whore of the week

...Goes to former V8 Supercar pedaller Marcos Ambrose, who these days drives a Toyota Camry. No, not as a cab driver. Well sorta. He's in NASCAR. The balding, chippy Taswegian, best remembered in NZ as that little wanker Their Murph almost punched out at Bathurst that time, has made these pages previously on account of his desperate attempts to crank up his Australian accent to Croc Dundee proportions in order to seem more interesting and marketable in the US. And also because he's a fucktard. Nothing seems to have changed since he moved to Toyota and JTG Daugherty Racing, owned by former NBA 'star' (i.e. you've never heard of the bastard and neither have I) and ESPN analyst (i.e. person who sits behind desk in studio performing no analysis whatsover) Brad Daugherty: he's still a fucking embarrassment to his nation. Thankfully his nation is Tasmania and we can disclaim all responsibility for the little floater.

Anyhoo, Mar-Cose (as the Septics insist on pronouncing him) has a new sponsorship gig. Which is where he really excels. He might be a bit shit at the go-fast turn-left caper, dribbling home 18th in last year's title chase, but he's world's-best-practice at the corporate whoring. As demonstrated by the following barely-retouched press release offered as news by crash.net (to be fair, it's a slow news day/week/month in motorsport):

New backing announced for Marcos Ambrose's NASCAR Sprint Cup programme

JTG Daugherty Racing has announced Bush Brothers and Company's Bush's Baked Beans® brand as a primary sponsor of Marcos Ambrose and the #47 Toyota team for five primary races in the 2010 NASCAR season.

The company will also serve as an associate sponsor during the upcoming campaign.

“We are proud to enter our ninth season as partners with JTG Daugherty Racing and thrilled to have Marcos as our driver,” said Ray Kielarowski, Senior Vice President of Sales and Marketing for Bush Brothers and Company. “We look forward to kicking off the new season at the track and sharing the Winner's Circle with him in 2010.”

Bush's Baked Beans® will be positioned on Ambrose's #47 Toyota's hood for the NASCAR Sprint Cup Series events at Talladega Superspeedway on April 25, Richmond International Raceway on May 1, Bristol Motor Speedway on August 21, New Hampshire Motor Speedway on September 19 and Dover International Speedway on September 26.

Ambrose, who finished 18th in the championship standings, was pleased to hear the news.

“This is really great news,” Ambrose said. “I've always been a big fan of Bush's Baked Beans®. Because I love the outdoors, I really enjoying firing up the grill with my family and we always include Bush's Baked Beans® as a side item after we finish up grilling with Kingsford® Charcoal. It doesn't matter if we are at home or at the track, grilling is a great experience all season long.”


Oh. For. Fuck's. Sake.

Now, I know the USAnians have a rep for being, let's be charitable, a bit on the gullible side. Easily led. Marketing-compliant. Thick as two short planks. But Jesus suffering fuck, surely nobody in the great United States actually believes this smug little midget actually IS 'a big fan of Bush's Baked Beans®'? Or takes it fucking BBQing with his family? Along with his Designated Sponsor's Brand of Grilling Charcoal®? Let me tell you what Mar-Cose Ambrose does when he goes BBQing. He does what every other bastard does. He takes all his mates, an Esky full of piss - Boag's, because he's from Launceston, for his sins - and half a cow down to the park, where the animal extract goes on the council hotplates, the beers go in his mates, and the ICC's laws regarding one-hand-one-bounce are enforced rigorously (possibly even to Daryl Harper standards of officiating.) He doesn't 'grill', he doesn't use charcoal, he doesn't use baked beans as a 'side', and he certainly doesn't tell the media all about it in professionally crafted press releases with all the sponsors' names emphasized. Because if he did, as pointed out by all non-cretinous non-un-Australian commenters here, he'd have to hand his passport back because he would be the most UN-AUSTRALIAN SELLOUT IN THE HISTORY OF COMPLETE FUCKING UN-AUSTRALIAN SELLOUTS. Yes, even counting those cricketers who played for England. And Clive James.

And furthermore, 'press release' is an oxymoron.

The Doctor is OUT.