And speaking of a load of gnarled old bollocks... I get a lot of spam.
By a lot of spam I mean a fucking shitstack of spam. In point of fact I get a God's-own-dickload of spam each and every day. Probably as I have been gifted with the one of the most Anglo-obvious combinations of first name and surname in the English-speaking world, and my uni employs the incredibly complex email address nomenclatural structure of firstname.surname@myuni.co.nz. They were up all fuckin' night coming up with that shit let me tell you.When I say I get a lot/fucking shitstack/God's-own-dickload of spam each and every day, I don't actually get that amount (or the metric equivalent) each and every day. The uni IT nerdlingers' anti-spam firewall guardians intercept same and provide me with edited highlights of their work in a daily
email which gives the senders and all the message titles, just in case someone I actually want to hear from has fallen afoul of the Defenders Of The Realm. In the 24 hours to 9am this morning the spambashers intercepted 68 emails, which goes to show how much of a target uni addresses are, as well as suggesting Your Correspondent needs to stop signing up to amateur lesbian porn sites with his work email.The highlight of most mornings at the Lab for Evolution, Development and Taking Over The Fucking World
(apart from the coffee) is reviewing the Quarantined Spam Messages summary for the past 24 hours. Though, as you may have guessed, there's something of a theme to them which has remained consistent across the short-lived fads for internet diplomas, cheap watches, cheaper meds and acai berry diets (WTF?) - the suggestion that one may be, put delicately, packing less of a punch in the trouser than the ladies might like.Or, to put it another way...
- Don't fear the measuring tape anymore
- Look bigger Now
- She loves you, she loves you not ... with that size she will definitely love you
- Size matters above everything ask any girl.
- If watering your tool doesnt help it become bigger we know what will
- A big instrument is a mortgage to success.
- From now need a crane to lift your tool up
- Your masculinity will be in trinity
[WTF? Does Neo know about this?] - After you see what the ruler shows you will rule the world.
- Women will be compliant when they see that it is giant.
[Beat poetry! Dig!] - All your dates end up spending the nights alone because of your miserable length
- Playing a big instrument brings bigger pleasure to women.
[Take up the tuba.] - Small friend is for hiding, big friend is for showing off
- With your small tool you can satisfy only Asian women
...a hugely disappointing and problematic prospect I would suggest.
We conclude with a man with a stoat through his head.
The Doctor is OUT.
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ADDITIONAL Tues 5/5 around sevenish.
Fixed the RSS feed issue. I think.
Something I meant (but forgot) to talk about in the larger discussion of spam and spammers are their more insidious brethren, the scammers - be they Nigerian embezzlers, Irish lottery winners or Australian insurance company CEOs. While it's almost impossible for the individual spammee to lay a punch on the spammers - figuratively or literally - the scammers do, by the very means of their methods, permit the frustrated, revenge-minded peeps of the interweb the opportunity to give a little back in return. Scambaiters are legion and legend, with tales of their heroic victories posted across sites like 419Eater's Trophy Room, including photos of their conquests. Including my personal favourite...
There are no words.
Nor are there for this. It's not spam. It's not in fact anything to do with any of the above whatsoever. But it made me laugh. It's what happens (allegedly) when English-as-second-language copywriters are employed to work on ads for prominent heartburn remedies...
Should have stuck with that old-skool Gaviscon ad with the guy drawing in texta on himself. Made next to no sense but at least it didn't promote the use of love custard as an indigestion remedy.
The Doctor is OUT.
No really this time. Honest.
13 comments:
I've been geing heaps of 'you've won spam' the last couple of weeks. Tempted to click on the link on my work computer - to see if it drops the sysrem and gains me some respite!
My spam is full of women wanting to date me, Nigerians wanting me to launder them money, banks wanting my account information, and because my email address is on our soccer club website, companies wanting to sell me shitty soccer equipment or web services geared towards youth sports clubs.
Looking at our mail server we have had a total of 2,141 emails today, 1,214 of which were clean and 924 were High Scoring spam. So about 40 - 45% of all the mail the group recieves is spam.
Not enough stoats in spam.
Lerm - sounds a perfect opportunity for a scambaiting operation - see if you can get them to send you a photo of them with a shoe on their head and a sign saying 'Choad Warrior'
Steve - it's all cheap pharma, cheap watches and length addition here.
Barnesm - what I want to know is, how the hell do they know? How come they ALL seem to know? Which ex has been telling tales? (Presumably the ones with whom it was like throwing a sausage down a hallway)
Naut - it's six to one (spam to actual mail) here some days. I agree stoatally.
Smut is never pointless!
My best friend is a volunteer firefighter, so naturally I forwarded this picture to him.
His day job is working IT for the city of New York, so let's see if it gets through their spam filters!
Lerm - the truth will set you free.
Steve - that would be something of an irony wouldn't it?
Best spam title of the day (received by another postdoc in the lab) - 'I can look fancy even though I am a simple taxi driver'
That 419eaters site is a fucking gem. I've been checking it out for a couple of months now. Some of the crap they put the scammers through is priceless.
I highly recommedn reading some of the archives.
But all I want to do is service Asian women. Is that so wrong?
Not in any way, if they're anything like Zhang Ziyi. She was the only thing which kept me awake through Crouching Tiger Hidden Plotline.
A sample of my spambox....
Were it you, on forum? (maybe on all fours)
You are beautiful because we care (no fucker it was the plastic surgery)
Unleash lion inside you...(perhaps they meant cougar)
Energy to tear her ham wallet (WTF???)
No more scares before nail fungus infections...
Your nether rod booster....
It seems they've found out about the surgery. Ahem.
'Energy to tear her ham wallet' - how the fuck is that a positive result? You're probably not going to be invited to stay for breakfast.
Natalie, you're WAY too young to be a cougar!
And that's obviously Canadian spam, they love their ham so much, they have wallets to carry the stuff.
I keep getting this one spam message in my gmail account, that says, "Hi, I'm Paul, and I'm one of those internet guys." Except every day, it's a different name. Paul, Tom, Peter, etc.
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