What the fuck is the Champions League final doing on tonight instead of the morning after Origin I like it ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS is? Huh? Is it the bloody Vics stealing (yes STEALING) Origin I that's to blame here? If not can we blame them anyway?
Or Paul Gallen. He's a white c--t.
It's done my head in, dead set. As the Conchords put it - or would have had HBO let them: too many motherfuckers, fucking with my shit. How many motherfuckers? Too many to count, motherfuckers.
Anyhoo welcome to All Choads Lead To Rome: The WoB's Last Minute, Poorly Researched, One Eyed And Half Arsed Champions League Final Preview.Let's get this out the way nice and early: Fuck Manchester United. Fuck them with a big pointy stick with rusty nails through it. They are a lot of poo heads. That aside, they've played well, deserved to win the English Premier League, and likewise have earned their right to play in the Champions League final. While I clean up all the bile and vomit that has spontaneously deposited itself across my laptop, let me introduce:
FC Barcelona
They're handy. The guts of the Spanish national side which never really looked like losing EURO2008, topped off with some genuine international class. Top of the list, Argie twinkletoed wonderkid Leo Messi, tournament topscorer with eight goals out of an advanced midfield role. Sure he couldn't fight his way out of a wet sack of shite, as the rather dismal dustup at the end of the Argentina-Germany World Cup game in 2006 illustrated, but he's not there to punch on. He's there to look pretty. And do wanky stepovers and party tricks until someone axes him and they get a free kick, the way we used to with the Dog in college. They've got attacking quality to throw away - Samuel Eto'o, Andres Iniesta, and that bloke from the Gillette ads - and bloused the Spanish Liga with capacity to spare. Only problem: they're down a couple of first-choice defenders - Dani Alves and Eric Abidal are suspended, while Rafa Marques is crook so it'll be a makeshift back four for the blaugrana. Their shirt sponsor is Unicef, coverage granted gratis by the Barca heads because they're good like that. By contrast, Man U's shirt sponsor is massively corrupt and monumentally bankrupt US insurer AIG. I think there's something in that for all of us. Unless you're an AIG shareholder of course.
Manchester United
Cocks.
The Match
From the first moments post-kickoff Barca will chuck everything bar the kitchen sink at Man U, being the only team vaguely interested in, or particularly capable of, playing Actual Attacking Football. Man U will be dull as fuck, play a structured Premiership game based on lots of running and fuck all technique, and will go on to win 1-0 on an arsey penalty awarded to Cristina Ronaldo in the seventh minute of the three minutes of added time after he trips over his own ego and brutally chips a nail.
The Red Devils becoming the first side in the Champions League era to win in consecutive years will palpably fail to prevent the Running of the Chavs through the streets of Rome as 40,000 fat, sunburned, incoherent Englishmen fuelled on pints of the Sponsor's Product distinguish themselves in traditional Englander Abroad style by trashing the Eternal City, throwing up in the Trevi fountain and 
picking fights with the overdressed local rozzers. Or, less successfully, the incredibly violent local footy thugs.Final score Chavs 0, Ultras 37.
And the most disappointing thing? There isn't even an international competition to follow, in order to return the English to their rightful place by way of reminding them just how crap they are at football when they don't just buy a bunch of effeminate Latin mercenaries to represent them.
Ah well. There's always the Ashes.
The Doctor is OUT.
14 comments:
heh I was going to attempt a prediction of the Chavs v Ultras but you beat me to it.
I think ManUtd will do this one though. For a bunch of reasons Stu can explain better than I + Ronaldo is better than Messi.
But who will win the brawl between Runny Bill and the Baboon? Thats what Im hanging out for...
Messi's a better international player because he gets more time and space in the international game. Ronaldo's the better club player for the inverse reason - he's better accustomed to working under EPL style defensive attentions. To be honest it's a coinflip and depends heavily on how the ref polices the challenges.
As for Sonny Bill and the other dude, no idea, hope SBW gets his chops remodelled on principle, but by fuck that SMH photo of 'em looked gayer than a gay thing on a gay day.
Surely some Chav will say, at some point, whilst fueled by alcohol, to a cop, "Eh, my granddad had no trouble kicking Rome's arse when he invaded in WWII, I don't see you giving me much trouble, what?"
By the way, not only do I prefer German football over "Calcio," I like their police cars better as well.
http://lh4.ggpht.com/abramsv/R8-tP3H54vI/AAAAAAAAKyA/eUaBTeccIxU/2005-Techart-911-Carrera-Police-Car-Porsche-SA-1280x960.jpg
It is going to be a mighty fine game, with lots of end to end play I hope. I hope the ref is strong and does not let any diving go unpunished by any team, except Ronaldo as it is in his contract!
Steve - sorry to break it to you mate, wrong again. Lamborghini Gallardo Superleggera >>>> any bewinged Beetle that the trust fund company can come up with.
Mr Stu - one nil at the half but your lads are the masters of the 90+th minute comeback after all!
Hopefully, the was just the entree in the banquet of Defeat that England are going to experience in the next couple of months!
LA! LA! LA! LA! LA! LA! LA!
Have you finished talking about soccer and RL yet?
Did I hear you mention the Ashes?
Lerm - yes. Yes it will.
Naut - no. No we haven't. Go and sit in the naughty corner.
Messi did produce the second for the Barca boys with no Manure comeback. 2-0. Now everyone sing to the tune of Jingle Bells:
Jingle bells, jingle bells,
Jingle all the way,
Oh what fun it is to see,
United lose away - oh!
Naut - you need to develop a wider interest in all football codes. Its really handy when you visit pubs in other states and countries.
Ashes - I'm still ropable about the McDonald kiddie getting a berth ahead of Roy. Its a fucking disgrace and the selectors need to be taken out the back and have their skulls cracked through the agency of a Grey Nicholls-wielding Warney. (In reprisal for not giving the greatest living cricketer the reigns of the national side, as well as for the slight on Roy). Tossers.
When you do your Ashes preview be ready for some lively responses and an ocean of bile directed towards our fucktard selectors. And the usual pommy-bashing stuff.
Therbs - likewise. I'd actually like to see a reprisal of the Australia A idea from about 15 yrs ago when they put all the young kids in the A Team and they went out and beat England like a ginger stepchild to end up in the ODI final vs the senior Aust team - followed by a lot of dodgy shenanigans whereby Pigeon was taken from the A team and made 12th man for the full side for the finals, etc - but what I'm thinking is that Australia should enter a second team into the T20 WC called Australia Z, meaning all the old bastards who are washed up and can't get a game anymore. Haydos, Gilly, Warney, Roy (since they won't pick him), get Boof off the bench with the Indian Ron Jeremy, Kasper and Dizzy went OK in that beach cricket thing over summer so there's a pace attack, Stewie Law, a Waugh or two... you're not telling me that lot (particularly spearheaded by the two biggest runscorers in the IPL) aren't gonna make a mess of most attacks in the tournament.
McDonald is the new Shane Watson. Who was the new Ian Harvey. Who was the new Tony Dodemaide. Someone had a reason for picking them at the time, surely. I'm just buggered if I can figure out what it was. It certainly wasn't the ability to do the fucking job on the fucking day.
Dodemaide! Geez, what a no go charlatan he was. Its this fucking ridiculous obsession with having an all-rounder which has bewitched the selectors, most recently since Flintoff burst onto the scene. We didn't need it when we had three good and one semi-decent bowlers, a wicket-keeper who can knock up a ton and six batsmen who enjoy taking the piss out of opposition bowlers. If Roy's not there we can do without an all-rounder and rely on the specialists.
Please, that Ginzomobile is a museum piece. It's a fucking PORSCHE! Where are you going to put the criminal in the Lambo, in the boot?
Steve - unless you're booking Verne Troyer for drunk midget driving you're not fitting any bastard in the back of the Beetle either.
Therbs - never understood the allrounder obsession - obviously a good one is worth two blokes but a bad one is only half as useful as either a quality bat or bowler. I blame the Victorians (surprisingly enough.) All the pointlessly selected, massively overhyped, not-up-to-shit allrounders have been theirs. Dodemaide: Vic. Harvey: Vic. Ronald McDonald: Vic. Cameron Fucking White: Vic. We don't need someone who's crap at more than one discipline at once. We need seven crap bowlers who can bat really well, one of which can keep, and four rubbish batsmen who can bowl. It's not that difficult you'd reckon.
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