B is for Bending it like Beckham's

According to Posh it's got a bit of a kink to the left.

Group B

England

Paraguay

Trinidad and Tobago

Sweden


ENGLAND
World ranking: 9
Coach: Sven-Goran Eriksson (for the next couple of weeks anyway)
World Cup record: 12th appearance
Best finish: Champion (1966)
Last appearance: Quarterfinals (2002)
World Cup odds: 7-1
How qualified: Won European Group 6.

RED top... RED top...
Germany 2006 marks the second successive World Cup where the Poms have drawn the Swedes at the group stage, meaning the notorious 'red top' tabloids of Fleet Street can again revel in the uncomfortable irony of their nation's Swedish manager having to again face his countrymen. The rampantly xenophobic red tops were out to get Sven from the day he took the job in 2002 - sample quote "We’ve sold our birthright down a fjord for a nation of hammer throwers who spend half their lives in darkness" - but to their intense displeasure Sven turned out to be the best coach England had had in decades. As this was lousy for circulation they contrived to get rid of him by an entrapment sting involving a dodgy journo in a tea towel purporting to be lodging a takeover of Aston Villa and tapping Sven up as a potential manager. Apparently it's hugely unethical to go looking for a job when you're likely to be out of work in the next few months.

You've gotta know when to hold 'em, etc
The leadup to Sven's last tournament in charge has shown a heretofor uncharacteristic gambling streak in the wily Swede, juding by some of the ingeniously wacky selections he's made for the World Cup squad. These included child prodigy Theo Walcott, who according to the football press is 17 and is yet to play Premiership football (whereas according to the tabloids he is about 12 and has never played outside his backyard). Walcott was signed from championship (old Division 1, which is the even older Divison 2) side Southampton by Gunners boss Arsie Wangker, but is yet to make his premiership debut. In the days following his shock selection, Football365.com reported that the highest proportion of Google searches for "Theo Walcott", other than from within the UK, came from Sweden - either because the Vikings were a little worried about what they faced, or Sven was wondering who the fuck this kid was as well.

Bo Selecta
Sven's whimsical approach to World Cup selection has also implicated randoms like Aaron Lennon and Stewart Downing, who aren't even household names in their own households, plus the profoundly useless Jermaine Jenas of Spurs and the woefully lost Canadian moptop Owen Hargreaves, midfielder (and very midfield at that) for German champions Bryan Eunuch - seriously, what is it with these delusional Canucks who seem to think they're English? Greg Rusedski, we're looking at you son.

Terry Harry chimes in
In a rare moment of Anglo-French accord, French international Thierry Henry has publically declared his support for the English tilt at German 2006. The haughty striker, who will spearhead his country's assault on the World Cup finals while Arselona and Barcenal quibble over his services for season 2006/07, ferevently hopes that England will one day add to their lone world title triumph of 1966. "Then you might stop your endless fucking whinging," he added, "you stinking rosbifs."

Ow my metatarsal
Dominating press coverage in the leadup to the World Cup has been the status or otherwise of Wayne Rooney's right foot. Exactly six weeks prior to England's opener against Paraguay, the porky little fucker tagged 'Roonaldo' by woefully optimistic hacks managed to fracture the base of the fourth metatarsal on his right foot against Chelsea and was declared by Man U Suck medical staff as likely to be out for... six weeks. Sven now faces an anxious wait - four years ago he gambled on the fitness of captain Rabid Beckman after he suffered a similar injury seven weeks before the start of WorldCupKoreaJapan2002WhoNeedsSpacesAnyway and Becks, despite not being fully fit, ended up playing every game (at least until the Poms were arsed out by a stupendously arsey free kick from horse-faced Def Leppard roadie Ronaldinho in the quarter final) and Rooney's importance to his country means Eriksson is planning to roll the dice again. Man U colleague Gary Neville (son of Neville Neville - seriously, you can't make this shit up) described him as "probably the one player in the squad who we really probably can't afford to lose". Probably. Rooney burst onto the international scene like a fat kid in a jumping castle at Euro2004, scoring four goals in as many games; England exited that tournament after Rooney limped out of the quarter-final against Portugal with an almost identical injury to his current one - and it was ten weeks before Rooney played again after that.

West Ham 4 West Germany 2
Or so goes the chant down at Upton Park. Germany 2006 marks 40 years since England, the archetypal over-performing host team, somehow contrived to win the World Cup. Back then they featured a team packed with star West Ham players like Bobby Moore and Geoff Hurst; ironically this time around, the team is packed with start former West Ham academy players who the Hammers couldn't afford to keep, like Frank Lampard, Michael Carrick, and Joe Cole. England's extra-time win at Wembley in '66 is almost as famous for the BBC commentary that accompanied it as the actual result: "There's people on the pitch... they think it's all over..." [Geoff Hurst slams in the fourth goal from 30 yards] "...It is now! It's FOUR!"
Which reminds us of a sketch on a long-deceased UK comedy show called KYTV, where the BBC commentator who uttered those words, Kenneth Wolstenholme, was invited on to (supposedly) relive that moment, and recite those famous words again.
"There's people on the pitch... they think it's all over...It is now! It's FOUR! Cop that Jerry, you pack of wurst-eating bastards, that's for Dunkirk!"
At this moment Wolstenholme notices the presenter's horrified expression, and the shock of realisation sets in.
"Oh no, don't tell me they faded my microphone down?..."














The Hammers

Playing Style
These days, with an embarrassment of excellent midfielders at their disposal (David Beckham, Steven Gerrard, Frank Lampard, Michael Carrick, Joe Cole, Owen Hargreaves... anyone pick the obvious mistake?) England's playing style IS to play with style. Sven's England plays a fluent, technical, silken game based around elegant passes through midfield and skillful use of the ball, a world away from the old-skool long ball game which English football made its name on (along with hooligans and Kevin Keegan's mullet.) This typically lasts until ten minutes to go when they’re still behind, at which point Sven will throw on six-foot-thirteen Peter ‘At my height it’s hard to’ Crouch and send out the order for long balls hard, early and often.

Least useless player
The easy answer is Beckham, Rooney or Owen (that's Michael, not Curly from Munich). However, if it weren't for Svennis, they'd still be floundering. How he deals with a team which he’s planning to leave the week after the tournament will be key. On the field, if Steven Gerrard isn’t fit, forget it.

Likely fate
Their form is OK - quarter finalists Euro2004, quarter finalists World Cup 2002. However England's recent tradition is to get on top of their tougher opponents (eg Argentina) and yet to surrender aimlessly to seemingly weaker ones (eg Northern Ireland, and of course our good selves). Add to this the pressure of this being 40 years after ’66 (and only so much as a single semi-final visit since, with Gazza et al at Italia ‘90), and their recent indifferent form against main group rivals Sweden... Put it this way. They'll get out of the group, but don't be surprised if it's in second place. Meaning a likely second-rounder against... who else but the hosts, the likely winners of Group A, the auld enemy, Germany. And won't THAT be fun to watch. Should they make it beyond that stage, Argentina or Holland will likely be waiting.
Should cancel hotel bookings after: the quarter finals. Under Sven, it's become a tradition. Next World Cup under Steve McClaren, this won't be a problem: they'll be watching it at the pub at home.


PARAGUAY
World ranking: 30
Coach: Anibal 'The Canibal' (presumably) Ruiz
World Cup record: Seventh appearance
Best finish: Second round (1986, 1998, 2002)
Last appearance: Second round (2002)
World Cup odds: 125-1
How qualified: Fourth (and last to qualify automatically) in South American qualifying

Yes there are other teams in this group...
While England's tribulations will likely capture the attention of most neutrals, Paraguay are a side with a decent history and a good recent record at the Big Show. In population terms the Republica do Paraguay is smaller than NSW, but in footballing terms they are legitimate world citizens; the South American Football Confederation (CONMEBOL) is headquartered in the Paraguayan capital Asuncion, and the Paraguayan national side has made it out of the group stage at the each of the last three world cups they've qualified for.

Viva Chilavert
Throughout the past decade the landscape of Paraguayan football has been dominated by one personality - that of the charismatic Jose Luis Chilavert, a goalkeeper like no other. Chilavert, aside from being an hugely solid keeper in the 'stand up tall and shout lots at your defenders' mould of Man U legend Peter Schmeichel, was also a superb penalty taker and a world-renown free kick specialist, with the result that he is still the all-time leading goalscorer among professional goalkeepers. It is suspected the reason he became so good at taking penalties and free kicks is that there is a very strong motivation to hit the target when you're looking at a eighty-yard tear-arse sprint back up the pitch should you happen to miss...

Playing style
Defensive. Seriously, solidly, obdurately defensive. They make Italy one-nil up look like Brazil three goals down. But it works - when they lose, it's usually only one-blot, as at the last world cup when the eventual runners-up squeaked by them by a goal to nil, and at France '98 when the eventual champions only got past them on an extra-time golden goal from a corner.

Least useless player
In the absence of the great Chilavert, who finally hung up the goalie gloves in 2003 and was last seen angling for a run at El Presidente of La Republica, we’ll go for former AC Milan fullback Roque Santa Cruz, largely because Roque Santa Cruz is a fuck-off cool name. Rocky, a cult hero at former club Buyern Munchies where some obscure German punk band wrote a song about him, is now one of rejected England management candidate Fat Sam Allardyce’s squadron of aging arsey mercenaries at premiership side Bolton.

Likely fate
Notwithstanding their draw, these boys should go OK. As discussed they managed to defend their way into the second round at the last two WCs, but their aging cattle are turning to mutton and may well be butchered. As a result Coach Anibal Ruiz may be for the chop, unless he decides to go on the lam(b). (Is it dinner time yet?)
Should cancel hotel reservations after: their last group stage game against T&T. Unless England or Sweden have an absolute, comprehensive, diamond-tipped, weapons-grade shocker and they manage to scam their way into the second round once more.


TRINIDAD & TOBAGO
World ranking: 51
Coach: Leo Beenhakker
World Cup record: First appearance.
World Cup odds: 750-1.
How qualified: Beat Balmain in playoff.
Sorry, Bahrain.

T&T: Watch them explode
Trinidad and Tobago are a pair of Caribbean islands, neither of which are particularly good at football. However, their powers combined, they are... marginally better at football. Or at least good enough to narrowly beat Bahrain in a two-legged playoff, and later a three-legged race, to decide who got the 32nd and last place at Germany 2006. Busting out the old Comparometer to judge their crapness, this doesn't look brilliant - Bahrain were recently pantsed by Straya in the Asian Cup qualifiers 3-1 at their place, with a team populated exclusively by A-Leaguers. Ergo, T&T are rubbish.

Their most famous player is also an A-Leaguer these days, former Men United striker Dwight ‘All Night’ Yorke. Yorkie is probably as famous for banging goals in the back of the net as banging slappers in the back of his blinged-up Cadillac Escalade, with a long history of acting up and a past relationship with Page 3 'stunna' Jordan, who was named after the F1 car and contains at least as much polymer-reinforced composites. Not to mention the infamous sex romp video costarring Aston Villa and Man U teammate Mark Bosnich (and a couple of chicks, thank Christ - last thing any of us would need to see would be Bozza’s flabby white arse getting pounded by a black man) which resulted in the only clever thing ever sung by the home fans at Old Trafford (allegedly to the theme from Elton Flatley’s Lord of the Pants):

Dwight Yorke, wherever you may be
You are the king of pornography.

And on the topic of shiny-headed black dudes with a penchant for going out clubbing in Sin City…

Where's Wendy?





















Click to enlarge... if you're that way inclined


Back to people who will actually be going to a World Cup in the foreseeable future... Yorke (34) will undoubtedly be key as one of the few T&T players with big-game international experience (to wit, a bunch of Premiership and FA cup medals and a Champions League title) but the man himself is talking up the renewed involvement of his old mate, former Scottish premier league striker Russell Latapy, who has come out of international retirement to play in Germany. “Bringing back Russell Latapy was important," said Yorke recently. "People say he is 37 but he is highly respected in our part of the world.” People say he’s 37, Dwight, not because he isn't highly respected, but probably because he IS 37.

Playing style
The swashbuckling calypso stylings of Caribbean sports - think Windies cricketers of years gone past. A coach in Leo Beenhakker, formerly at the helm of Dutch superclub Ajax, who as national team coach presided over a golden generation of Dutch football, with brilliant, spectacular players like Gullit and van Basten. All these elements should add up to a team which plays with style, speed and flair. Only one element may subtract from this aim: they're actually not particularly good at football.

Least useless player
Brian Lara.

Likely fate
Will get beaten like a ginger stepchild. Should cancel hotel bookings after: tomorrow.


SWEDEN
World ranking: 14
Coach: Lars Lagerback
World Cup record: 11th appearance
Best finish: runner-up (1958)
Last appearance: Second round (2002)
World Cup odds: 33-1
How qualified: One of two best European group runners-up



How Swede it is...
...and other potential headlines from the British tabloids signals our introduction to the other European power in Group B. Sweden have a history of giving higher-ranked and favoured nations a large dose of curry at the World Cup (or more appropriately, a slap across the face with a pickled herring), having made the final in '58 (losing to Pele's Brazil in his debut tournament) and the semis in '94. Their record against England is particularly strong, Sven or otherwise - Sweden drew 1-1 with England in the group stages at KoreaJapanEtc, then subsequently beat them 1-0 in a Euro2004 warmup, continuing a long unbeaten run against England which stretches back to 1968.

Henry on Henrik
The only survivor of the 1994 giant-killers in this squad is former Celtic and Barcelona striker Henrik Larsson; thankfully the dreads he donned at USA 94 have also failed to survive the passage of time. Larsson is in good form currently, with Thierry Henry (yes him again) declaring that his introduction for Barcenal against his Arselona (or is that the other way around) in the latter stages of the recent Champions League final made all the difference in that game, going on to write off the involvement of fellow Barca strikers Ronaldhorso and Samuel Eto'o ("I didn't see them all game.") Larsson, a legend at former club Celtic after netting some 240-odd goals in over 300 games for the Bhoys, set up both Barca goals in the CL final - a game which amounted to his testimonial match as Larsson is heading home after the WC to play for his home-town team Helsingborgs IF. Awww.

Fulleh siiick
Bringing a little bit of Punchbowl into the Swedish side is Juventus striker (assuming there still IS a Juventus team to strike for after the World Cup) Zlatan Ibrahimovic... a typically Swedish name if there ever was one (says the guy from the country with players named Viduka, Bresciano and Schwarzer.) Just like half the Socceroos' first team lineup, Zlatan was heavily pressured by football representatives of his parents' Balkan homelands (Bosnia and Croatia) to turn out in their shirts rather than the blue and gold, but ended up playing for the country of his birth rather than theirs. Old mate Zlatan, almost exactly 10 years Larsson's junior, has in the past sported a superb shagpile mullet reminiscent of the drummer from the Choirboys, answers to the nickname 'Ibrahimovic' (wacky funsters, those Swedes) and is famous for his amazing feat of chewing gum, spitting it out, having a few kickups with it and then kicking it up into to his mouth once again, which apparently formed the basis of a podcast commercial for Nike. Classy.





















What's Swedish for 'Fuck that guy's a bogan'


Playing style
Cautiously positive. Their first team has some real talent to it, with players sourced from top clubs right across Europe, so there's the potential for some eye-catching football there.

Least useless player
Arse'n'all midfielder Fredrik Ljungberg. Talk all you like about Ibrahimovich and Ljungberg, but if Freddie doesn't give them decent service, they'll be less than spectators - they won't even be able to scalp their tickets to Cockney touts like anyone else. With his looks, fashion sense and interpretive hair, Ljungberg is a sex symbol in his native land, though he has constantly had to battle against rumours that he does his best man-marking in the closet; the Swedish tabloid press have long implied his involvement in a surrepticious tryst with a prominentlygay Swedish soapie actor. Freddie has consistenly denied these rumours, at one stage declaring "I've never even BEEN to the theatre... except to see Momma Mia." For some reason this pronouncement did not have the persuasive effect he had in mind.

Likely fate
So long as injuries or suspensions don't test their depth, which isn't great, Sweden have an excellent chance of progressing to the second round and should the Poms falter under the bowel-burstingly intense pressure from home, could even jag first place in the group. Should they manage this, they will likely see off the Poles in the second round, may get a relatively charitable quarter final draw against Portugal (not the team they once were, after the massive comedown of losing Euro2004 at home and having all their decent older players retire in disappointment), and could feasibly reach the last four. Should cancel hotel bookings after: depends how they finish. Second in the group - probably the quarters. First in the group - let's just say, don't be hasty in calling the concierge.


NOSTRILDRAMAS PREDICTS...

Match schedule (stolen from fifaworldcup.com):

Match	Date	Venue	Teams			Time
3	10-Jun-06	Frankfurt		ENG:PAR		15:00
4	10-Jun-06	Dortmund		TRI:SWE		18:00
19	15-Jun-06	Nuremberg		ENG:TRI		18:00
20	15-Jun-06	Berlin		SWE:PAR		21:00
35	20-Jun-06	Cologne		SWE:ENG		21:00
36	20-Jun-06	Kaiserslautern		PAR:TRI		21:00

Match of the round: Sweden vs England

Who Cares fixture: Paraguay vs Trinidad and Tobago

Take this down the TAB etc:
England 0-0 Paraguay
T&T 0-3 Sweden
England 4-0 T&T
Sweden 1-0 Paraguay
Sweden 2-1 England
Paraguay 3-1 T&T

Sweden to jag top spot after England chokes in game one courtesy a dearth of uninjured strikers - Rooney and Owen don't play - and that notoriously tenacious Paraguayan back four. England meet Germany in the round of 16, finally beat them on penalties, then get knocked out by the Argies. Sweden beat the Poles in round 2, the Portuguese in the quarters and proceed to the semis.

Beyond that, says Nostrildramas, it's anyone's guess...


NEXT TIME...
we visit the Group of Death, Group C, where the Argies, the Dutchies, the Ivory Coast and the Artists Formerly Known as Yugoslavia face off. See you soon.