More arse than class

DISCLAIMER: The World of Bollocks would like to point out that it is NSFW (Never Safe For Work). And it is sorry. So very, very sorry.

There was a time when Mia Freedman was the spokesbimbette for all that was wrong about the media's attitude to women. Ms Freedman, you see, was the very-high-profile editor of such glossy insubstantive tomes as Dolly, Cleo and Cosmopolitan, offering peerless and penetrating insight on the existential mores of how one should best accessorize one's multiple orgasms while rocking this season's hottest celeb looks. Noone could read her work and not have their intelligence thoroughly insulted. Not even Jackie O. Basically, in the late Nineties and early Naughties, Mia Freedman was a byword for all that was crap about womens' magazines. And this was more than a minor annoyance, as Mia Freedman was at the same time as being destroyer-in-chief of body images across the nation, both unutterly ubiquitous through her endless appearances on panel shows like Good News Week and The Glasshouse, and yet at the same time, as hot as balls. You would have, and you know you would have, so don't pretend you wouldn't have.

Ah, but you see, Ms Freedman had an epiphony. She became a mum, threw in her lot at the ACP Fucktard Factory, and repented all her sins by railing publically against the smug, patronising, degrading, anti-intellectual confabulations of shite she'd once helmed the publication of. From now on, she was only going to write about issues of merit. Issues that mattered to real women. None of this facile, infantile sealed-section smut and titillation. Real issues. Of real importance. To real women.

Which brings us, apparently, to her most recent blog topic: 'Is anal sex the new oral sex?'

*cough* Yeah. I'll give you a moment to wipe that coffee off your screen.

Now look. This thesis of Ms Freedman's in itself has its problems - one which seems quite obvious, and indeed one which Ms Freedman acknowledges, that there's no tactful, responsible, mature way to talk about anal sex. So let's just do the usual and talk a lot of juvenile giggly smut instead.

Anyhoo, the primary issues I can see with the Freedman Position are as follows:

1. Availability of skillbase. First of all, the particular talent sets Catholic schoolgirls have become famous for - as previously reported by Zappa, F (1979) and Peppers, RHC (1985) - may require renegotiation. Furthermore, Alanis Morisette may need to revise her offer to that bloke in that theatre.

2. Philosophy. Your Correspondent once knew a colleague who subscribed to the theory, 'If she swallows, it's true love.' He's still single, obviously. But should that situation ever change, possibly through some form of viral plague or zombie infestation rendering all other available males of the species reproductively null, our friend would have to accept that thanks to the pioneering research of Dr Freedman, his relationship goalposts, the very moral fibres by which he lives his life, would be irrevocably altered. Didn't think about that, didya Freedman. Nah, you didn't. Ay.

3. Bogans like it, so it must be fucking shit. Oh. Erm...

4. Contraception. Regardless of what those pissed munters at your wedding reception were bellowing at every toast, 'Up the bum no babies' is not, in fact, a reliable contraceptive method. Compared with the pill or condoms, which have roughly 98% efficacy against sproggage, what the son of a former Liberal government minister once described while hosting a college function as 'the brownwings' offers only 92% protection. In related news, some of the stuff we learned in our neonatal class was fucking weird.

5. Availability of euphemisms. As alluded to above, without a reasonably SFW euphemism therefor - inclusive of an appropriate capacity for double-entendre, along the lines of industry gold standard 'going down' - there is little hope that back door shenanigans will ever hope to replace the humble BJ in the societal pantheon of Preferred Non-Core Services (Bedroom-Related). The nearest polite term for Teh Buttsex available in modern English is the fairly obscure reference to doing 'Greek' - which is somewhat ironic as that's pretty much what's been done to their economy, and what their economy's done to the Euro. Relatedly, tradesmen are going to need a new entrance, lest their profession be permanently besmirched.

6. It hurts like buggery. Apparently.

In short, it remains to be seen whether Mia's proposal will lead to a more enlightened and broad-minded attitude to sexual relations in this country, or whether it'll just get the bum's rush.

The Doctor is OUT, which is probably for the best.