The WoB Educational Supplement

By Christ it's been a while. Sorry about that. Been otherwise occupied doing battle with munters on the nation's highways. There is reserved a special kind of hell for those tiny-penised arseclowns who immediately greet the arrival of an overtaking lane by adjusting their velocity from ten km/h below the posted limit to ten above. It's called Christchurch, and they're fucken welcome to it.

Anyhoo. To boobies. Rachel Whitwell has them, apparently, and has engaged in a commercial agreement with a magazine called Australian Penthouse involving the exchange of funds for photographic images of said boobies, and other generally-concealed parts of her anatomy, for the publication thereof. Rachel describes herself as "a 26-year-old single schoolteacher from New Zealand that would love to get into modelling. I've written erotic stories for an R-rated magazine and run my own pole-dancing studio." She also describes herself as Lexy, which is a stupid name, but we'll forgive her that 'cos she's purdy. She's lied about her name, she's lied about being single and she's lied about her age - by a year - but that's all well and good. Australian Penthouse have to pay Birmo's bar bill somehow after all, publishing snaps of tidy Kiwi lasses with their reproductive finery on display is hardly against standard operating procedures.

Except, except except except, for one word in that description. Schoolteacher. Anyone else see where this might be headed? Yup, with investigation by the educational authorities and outraged quotes spouting from Family First spokesnimrods while furtively bookmarking australianpenthouse.com.au for future guilt-ridden sessions of self-abuse.

Now the Hot Teacher is a persistent cultural meme, from Van Halen's Hot For Teacher and the Casanovas' 10 Outta 10 to Claudia Karvan and that gay Greek dude in The Heartbreak Kid. There's a reason real life stories with headlines like 'Teacher wanted to be boy's sex slave' end up on the Fairfax and News Ltd most popular lists at the end of the week. However, as discussed in previous media commitments, it's a meme I missed out on. My high school was unremarkable in every way save for its total and overwhelming lack of crumpetlicious goodness on the teaching staff. Even the giddy twenty-something blonde IT studies teacher wasn't really optimal, as she had teeth like Makybe Diva and was commonly (and one might say aptly) referred to as Milo, on the basis that she most certainly wasn't Quik. That nickname worked better before they renamed it Nesquik, but the march of time claims all my friends, including incredibly witty write-offs for giddy twenty-something blonde IT studies teachers.

The ultimate evolution of the Hot Teacher Myth (cos it is one, dammit) is the Hot Teacher Photographed With Kit Off Myth. I've had at least two mates who've independently claimed to have been taught by a Hot Teacher who at one stage or another - one while she was (allegedly) still teaching at the time - turned up in Playboy Or Metric Equivalent with naughty bits akimbo. Don't believe a fucking word of it. Never have and never will. Teenage male hormones can't be trusted as far as they can be kicked.

And neither can Rachel 'Lexy' Whitwell. 'Kiwi teacher 'shocked and gutted' after nude photos outrage' bleats the headline, but that's probably a fib too. Her infamous, arch-self-promoting boyfriend, pornographer Steve Crow - and what you wouldn't give to have THAT job description on your business card - has claimed Ms Whitwell was surprised/saddened/shocked/gutted by the uproar and by the besmirchment of her reputation by the investigation, yada yada yada. But the authorities seemingly have yet to actually kick off an investigation or talk to Ms Whitwell, and one wonders if they would have even known about it had their attention not been drawn to Mr Whitwell's extracurricular activities (see what I did there?) by the original story being planted in the Sunday News tabloid in the first place.

Then again, most of the readers of Australian Penthouse would hardly be surprised, saddened, shocked or horrified by this. Even being in a position to be lied to by a pretty girl with her clothes off is a massive improvement on their usual status.

The Doctor is OUT.