The real Grand Final

Simple maths. What does 161 times 6.213 equal? If you answered 'Drunk', gold star for you. For this weekend is Bathurst, and there ain't no Bathurst like one spent thoroughly off-chops. What, you're gonna sit through six and a half hours of V8s sober? Fuck that for a game of soldiers. With that, welcome once again to our annual, and ever so slightly recycled, Guide to Bathurst 2009: Better Watching Through Brewistry, a.k.a. BATHURST BEER BINGO.

OK, so the combination of drinking and driving ain't really that politically correct, even if it's you doing the former and them doing the latter. And it's not as if The Great Race - Australia's home-grown combination of Le Mans, Daytona and a Saturday night demo derby at Alabama Speedway - hasn't courted controversy in the past for social irresponsibility, or been in the headlines as much for pissed bogans setting fire to utes in campgrounds as the race itself. In the past, through its various naming rights sponsors, the Bathurst 1000 has been accused of glorifying immoral and unsavoury activities like the abuse of alcohol (Tooheys), smoking cigarettes, particularly obscure Irish ones (Gallagher), smoking brake pads (Hardie-Ferodo), sending insurance agencies broke because you're a clueless fucktard, Rodney (FAI), and giving your employees mesothelioma (James Hardie). Currently, the race is sponsored by purveyor of nasty plastic goods parallel-imported from China and still whiffing of melamine, SuperCheapAuto, whose major crime against society is their continuing employment of aging irrelevance Rusty Ringpull as 'The Enforcer' in their once-funny TV ads. (Though that one time he gives the guy in the old Lancer a Dirty Sanchez is still gold. Fact.)

With that said, we can now unveil this year's edition of the Bathurst Beer Bingo Rules Of Engagement.


'Drink' Incidents
The following incidents have a priori been determined worthy of a Drink, that is the consumption of a quantitative mouthful (at minimum) of standard alcoholic beverage. Others may be added at the discretion of the Organisers or Participants after due consideration.

* Gratuitous pre-race shots of grid girls (unless minging)

* Minor spins, overshoots, lawnmowing adventures, sandpit action or inter-car nerfage, live or on replay, other than resulting in a Safety Car (see 'Vessel' Incidents below)

* Rusty giving that bloke the Dirty Sanchez in that Supercheap ad (gold, I'm telling you)

* Any crowd shots showing total and utter snaggle-toothed bogan fucktards looking like extras from Deliverance

* Examples of absolute fucking wank on the part of the Seven Commentary Team, inclusive of but not limited to:
- Tossing on about how they invented Racecam, just like Al Gore invented the internet
- New in-car camera footage from any angle so obscure you can't figure out where or how the fuck they managed to get the thing to stay on, or why they bothered (bonus vessel if any such dubiously placed camera gets Irrevocably Fucked Up in the process of the motor race)
- Any references to 'race management', 'buying a ticket to the last thirty laps' or 'the action is really hotting up now, don't go anywhere'
- Cutting to an ad break as soon as something interesting happens, then returing from break and pretending it happened live
- Neil Crompton busting out the 3D CAD walk-thru shit for no justifiable reason whatsoever
- Random, gratuitous, unnecessary sponsorship namedropping eg KFC Zinger Replay, Armor All Race Update, Medibank Private Accident Report, Acme Urinal Cake Slashers Break

Note that any and all sightings of Mark Larkham in the presence of a whiteboard with intent to cause a grievous disturbance of logic and sense are considered a Vessel Incident (see below) and are to be terminated with Extreme Prejudice.


'Vessel' Incidents
As per tradition, Competitors will be required to 'skol' (i.e. empty the contents of their drinking vessels into their digestive tracts) in the event of more significant events in the motor race. You will be required to drain the contents of your vessel into your fat piehole on occasion of the following taking place before thee:

* The start of the race, scheduled for 1030 hours AEST
If your religion forbids you from knocking one back before the sun is over the yardarm (or even before midday), change your religion. Seriously.

* The declaration of a Safety Car period
The continuation of any Safety Car period beyond ten laps is considered a separate and additional, or 'BONUS VESSEL', incident. Better hope nobody fucks themselves up like Radisich in the Team Kiwi shitbox a couple of years back and needs 20 laps to get scraped off the fence.

* Confirmed sightings in pitlane of any or all of the following low-budget solutions being employed upon million-dollar race entries: duct tape, cable ties, slide hammer, sledge hammer, disproportionate amounts of violence. BONUS VESSEL should the removal of a windscreen by brute force and ignorance be required at any stage.

* Greg Murphy hiding in the toilets again

* The Safety Car getting bunkered in a sand trap

* On occasion that someone from The Other Side fucks up royally and makes a race-terminating cock of themselves, eg Triple 8 spinning off for Holden fans, or HRT dropping its guts up Mountain Straight on lap 1 for the Fraudulators. Note that unaligned parties are strongly encouraged to cowboy the fuck up and pick a side or they're drinking whenever it goes pear-shaped for ANY BASTARD.


Penalty Vessels
The following are individual punishments of a Vessel, self-administered by any Competitor who commits the following acts of naivety or ignorance in the eyes of the Organisers or Fellow Competitors:

* Giggling whenever anyone mentions 'Winterbottom'

* Disrespecting the Brocky statue by pointing out it looks like the one of King Wally Lewis with a dodgy hairpiece (well, dodgier than the one the King actually has)

* Liking Craig Lowndes

* Not getting their fucking round in

* Wanting to watch the NPC rugby

* Bringing food (unless they brought enough for everyone)

* Bringing girls (unless they brought enough for everyone)


Finally, Bathurst is a race of endurance, and per the oldest maxim of motorsport, to finish first, first you must finish. Hence the winner is anyone who survives all of that and still makes it to work on Monday. Without calling in sick, claiming the chicken salt on the pub chips gave you campylobacter. Even though I maintain that WAS a stroke of genius at the time.


Good luck, good hunting, and may the best Holden win.

The Doctor is OUT (to get the recovery Powerades in for Monday morning)