Believe it or yacht

...Is the worst pun yet used for a World of Bollocks intro. But it's on-topic, barely, courtesy some dirty Dutchie claiming the 1983 America's Cup yachting victory by Australia II over the Hated Yanks was down not to the design genius of legendary Aussie boat-drawing freak Ben Lexcen but down to... him, funnily enough. In disputation, to borrow a phrase from the yardglass-skolling union-boss days of then-PM RJL (the R standing of course for 'Arrrrr') Hawke, is the providence of the winged keel, a bit of true-blue Aussie genius which the stinking Seppos led by the vomitiferous Dennis Conner tried to get banned in the lead-up to the comp. (Backstory on the boat and the goings-on here for those who came in late or left their course notes in the car.)

The '83 America's Cup win was memorable for a lot of reasons. It broke the longest run of wins by any country in any national sporting event. It saw the first successful challenge for the Cup in 132 years. And it saw the Prime Minister of Australia on national television, pissed as 40 bastards, in a jacket so breathtakingly appalling even airport souvenir shops would refuse to stock it, delivering one of the most famous lines of his time in office: 'I tell ya, any employer who sacks a worker for not turning up today is a bum.' Whether RJL was using the term in its American context, meaning worthless clown, or its Australian one, meaning area of the body where poos come out, remains obscure. It was, however, a pivotal moment in the history of the young Australian nation up there with Gallipoli, Federation and Brocky's final Bathurst win.

And now the dirty, dodgy, drug-smoking, animal porn propagating Dutch want to take it off us.

Sure, there was a lot that was dodgy about that America's Cup win. Even setting the Silver Bodgie's jacket aside, if it's possible to do that without BBQ tongs. Chief financier Alan Bond was about as trustworthy as a three bob note and equally as legally solvent by the end of the decade. Skipper John Bertrand backed up the win in 1983 by losing the next two challenges and breaking his boat in half on the third. But boat-floating boffin Benny Lexcen... he was the one whose name or honour was never besmirched, right up to his untimely passing in 1988. Well, apart from Toyota naming their fucking ordinary badge-engineered version of the Commodore after him. And then making God-awful confections of arse like the following in a vain attempt to get any bastard to buy the woebegone piece of shit.



The contROWversy (thanks v. much Ray 'Rabbits' Warren) surrounds the requirement for aforesaid dinghy type thing to have been designed by nationals or residents of the country from where the competing yacht club originated, in this case the Royal Perth Yacht Club of Straya. The Dutchman, a bloke called Peter van Arseanen or van Oosthuis or van der Hoogenband or some loopy gob-on-people-when-you-talk-to-them shite but who is clearly descended from slave traders, Boers and Nazi collaborators like the rest of their horrible, wee-smelling, unnecessarily flat country, claims he was contracted by Bondy to knock up the winged keel on the sly. For this Bondy spotted him $25K hush money, which in 1983 was a lot of money, around $25K in fact. John Bertrand denies this, though expecting validation from the skipper seems akin to asking the bus driver who designed the bus and expecting much of an intelligible answer beyond confirmation that the wheels on the bus go round and round, all day long. Bondy can't recall, funnily enough.

Ironically van Arseanen became an Australian citizen almost 20 years ago, and is motivated, he claims, not by a wish to denigrate the Australian team's accomplishments or scare more cash out of Bondy (honest mate, he can't recall), but by wanting to get the credit he thinks he deserves for his work. Maybe, maybe not. All I know is this. Any Australian citizen who takes a dump on Ben Lexcen's grave for nothing more than the pursuit of personal vanity is a bum.

The Doctor is OUT.