Delusions of adequacy

I've clearly missed something. Something big. And I've missed it not by a small margin, as separated Lance from yellow this morning, but by a lot, as separated Nate Myles from the bowl a few mornings prior.

England think they're going to win the Ashes.

Not by a small, split-second amount, but by a monumental, length-of-a-brown-streaked-hotel-corridor, veritable gaping chasm. Sky Sports UK's judges have called it unanimously:

David Lloyd: “I fancy England. Strongly.”
Nasser Hussain: “England. Not strongly but I think they’ll win.”
David Gower: “(coquettishly) I prefer to ask the questions. (Then, after ribbing from Hussain) Okay, I’ll say 2-1 England.”
Ian Botham: “England 3-0.”

And ESPN are in on the act too, puffing up their pre-Ashes visitations of the Cricket Australia Academy and training facilities with sludge like 'beginning of the end' and 'downfall of a once-great cricketing nation'.

I'm sorry, but what the fuck?

Did we not just go to the house of the then-number one Test playing nation in the world and beat them up on their doorstep with their girlfriend and their sister watching? And then shagged the pair of them on the bonnet of the Jaapies' car?

Did we not kick the shite out of the West Indies earlier last year in the Caribbean, a team England somehow conspired to lose to, the only team to do so in living memory?

Have I lost the ability to read, because I was fairly certain that A-U-S-T-R-A-L-I-A, the name of the country on top of the ICC Test Rankings, doesn't actually spell ENGLAND, which is the name in FIFTH place nestled in between between Sri Lanka, who've won one of their 185 test matches against Australia, and Pakistan, who don't even have a home country to play in?

For fuck's sake. This makes about as much sense as picking Noddy Kimmorley, King of Intercepts, as halfback for NSW in Origin III. To play alongside another washed-up old clown whose last game of consequence was as Noddy's opposition half in a Grand Final ten years ago. (Has Gary Ghost been picked on the wing? He'll get a lot of balls thrown his way.)

Anyway at least it's not just me whose Ashes bullshit detector is bleeping like the decibel meter at a Shihad concert. Even the Poms - though precious few of them - are registering doubts. Most, though, are boarding the bandwagon and booking Trafalgar Square for the post-Ashes open-topped-bus parade.

Anyway, with just Hours Remaining (nine at press time) until the first ball at Lords... erm Cardiff (why Cardiff? What the fuck would a perennially rainy nation of coal miners, leek herders, sheep shaggers and eunuch choirboys want to watch the first installment of England losing the Ashes again?) we present our Twitter-Generation-Compliant Preview to the 2009 Ashes. Three words. 'Cos 140 characters is fully, like, an ESSAY.

ENGLAND
Not bloody likely

Andrew Strauss (c)
Arsey left hander

James Anderson
Stupid haired twat

Ian Bell
Take care, fragile

Ravi Bopara
Who are ya?

Stuart Broad
Run out specialist

Paul Collingwood
Fired for cheating

Alistair Cook
Lanky streak o'shit

Andrew Flintoff
Will be injured

Graham Onions
Appears quite vegetative

Monty Panesar
Nice hat mate

Kevin Pietersen
Missus fucks Warnie

Matt Prior (wk)
Gloves of iron

Graeme Swann
No one knows

AUSTRALIA
Barely good enough

Ricky Ponting (c)
Cross eyed dwarf

Michael Clarke
Mr Lara Bingle

Stuart Clark
Glenn Mc Grath

Brad Haddin (wk)
Gilly? Not rilly

Nathan Hauritz
Not very good

Ben Hilfenhaus
Needs seam movement

Phillip Hughes
Light the phughes

Michael Hussey
Not the spare

Mitchell Johnson
Call the plumber

Simon Katich
The Black Cro

Brett Lee
Crocked, thank fuck

Graham Manou (wk)
Manou are ya?

Andrew McDonald
Red haired clown

Marcus North
Next great hope

Peter Siddle
Fair to middling

Shane Watson
Will be injured

For those seeking greater detail, our Preview of the 2006/07 Ashes Series is still available, is still accurate, and has better jokes.

The Doctor is OUT.