You want ironic?
This shit's ironic.
Apologies to all the many Plath freaks out there. Including, of course, my three-unit HSC English teacher Maz, who bore a disturbing resemblance to Margaret Pomeranz with stupider hair and was a Plath freak in excelsius day-oh daaaayyyy-oh daylight come and me do walk of shame back to own digs. Sorry, channelling first year. Stuff I learned from Maz: (a) poor Sylvia was a martyr to her talent; (b) Ted Hughes was a cunt; (c) addressing late-teen English students as possum, blossom, petal or sweetie is entirely appropriate when you look like Margaret Pomeranz with stupider hair; (d) T.S. Eliot was a gobby cock who had an opinion about everything and was wrong about pretty much everything he had an opinion on; (e) I am also wrong about pretty much everything I have an opinion on; (f) I'm not quite as wrong about everything etc as my man AJ who always got two less marks than me out of twenty, even the time I got two and he got zero; (g) according to AJ you don't get a mark for spelling your name correctly in HSC English practice essays.
AJ was and is a gentleman and a scholar, even if we had to teach him how to pour a beer off a five litre keg on one of his many visits to the various Chateaux Dodgy across the early part of the decade, and has amounted to far more than getting blot out of twenty in a 3U English practice essay would predict. AJ is of course the World of Bollocks' Rural Affairs Correspondent (though he's had to stop having them since he got married) though as this prestigious gig pays two fifths of fuck all is obliged to moonlight for the local God-awful parochial rag.
He also knows why this is funny, having hammered seven shades of crap out of Sensible Soccer and subsequent equivalents over the years. And having seven shades of crap hammered out of him, of course, as Your Correspondent was, is and remains The Shit when it comes to Sensi. Largely because of copious use of the inherently arsey early-90s AC Milan lineup in head-to-head matches against the infidel. Gullit, van Basten and Zvoni Boban FTW! (And a bunch of handy wog types across the back of course.)
The Doctor is OUT.
11 comments:
Never played Sensible Soccer but I take you can trade players yeah?
I used to play entire seasons of FIFA98 on the N64 where I would raid Milan in the transfer market for their talent. There was only one Ronaldo (contractually renamed as 'Silva') but Leonardo was nearly as good and probably the best winger in the game.
No that was the thing with Sensi, at least in the original early 90s forms - unless you were in player manager mode (which was single player) you were stuck with the lineups as per the season played. So Milan had the likes of Gullit, van Basten, Boban, Rijkaard, Baresi, Maldini, Costacurta, Donadoni etc, all of which were worth big bucks (player skill was rated in parallel to their transfer fee, eg Gullit was worth 15 million pounds or so and could curve 35 yarders 'round the keeper like he had it on a string.) AJ usually went for Juventus because he's morally and psychologically weak and believes in corruption and malfeasance (lapsed Catholic) and usually got his arse handed to him, even with Robby Baggio and a pre-pubescent Alex del Piero in the squad.
Baggio....the greatest "Crossbar" competitor of all time.
AC Milan is playing Club America (a Mexican pro team) here in Atlanta in July. I might go, and would need some good insults. Got any? I have to say, I'm more likely to toss them towards AC Milan than CA, since the crowd will be heavy on the Mexican and not as much on the Dagos and I don't want to get my ass kicked.
Just hack on them about Berlusconi. Most Italians I've met seem to be embarassed by him.
Though Milan Ultras may be different...
It'll probably be the Z-team they send out there, always is for the preseason exhibition matches. Juventus came out here a year or two back and the starting lineup was near unrecognisable, about the only vaguely big name was Mauro Camoranesi and he only joined the trip to visit the Great Barrier Reef. [Insert diving joke here] It's only ever the guys who are too crap to get a run in the regular side who go on these trips. [Insert Becks joke here] Spider Kalac will probably be in goal. Remind him about that World Cup first-round game from '06 where he almost single-handedly won the match for his ancestral homeland of Croatia. Unfortunately he was playing for Australia at the time.
An old man turns eighty-eight. He won the lottery and died the next day. It’s a black fly in your chardonnay. It’s a death row pardon two minutes late. Isn’t it ironic…don’t you think?
Well quite frankly no Alanis. You should have called the song a series of ‘major bummers’
I look forward to welcoming AC Milan with the song,
Kaka takes it up the ass, doo-dah, doo-dah
Kaka takes it up the ass, oh day doo dah day
Oh day doo dah DAH
Oh day doo dah DAY
Kaka takes it up the ass, oh day doo dah day.
Of course, I wouldn't have dreamed of singing this had Kaka done the right thing and gone to play for Man City.
The only improvement I'd suggest is singing it in Portuguese:
Kaka toma-o acima do cu, doo-dah, doo-dah...
(or at least according to the universal translater widget)
Oh how memory has failed us over the years. You got as good as you gave sunshine, and though you may have had the 35 yard ball on a stringer striker - I had a goalkeeper with better defence than Jason Gillespie. That and I could ALWAYS bend the ball into the goal off a corner :P
Fact is - I'm STILL playing SWOS/Sensible Soccer as it's available on Xbox Live arcade - and it's still bloody good fun - though it's WAY harder now as the Xbox 360 analog stick provides nowhere near the controllability the good ole Star Cursor used to. Tanks? Built like? Yup :P I think mine is out there STILL working to this day.
Secondly - probably not a good idea to associate my name, a link to the Daily Examiner and the words "god-awful parochial rag" in a Google searchable page. a) In this techno age - you never know what some new-age social-networking aware manager is going to do and b) I still have quite a bit to do with the content of said "god-awful parochial rag" - so like - don't diss my paper :P It's better than your piece of shit paper parading as news :P hehehehehe
Thirdly - Alanis Morrisette - it's not ironic - it's just goddamn coincidence. Now if it rained on a WEATHERMAN's wedding day - THAT's ironic.
Hey mate - figured this would get you out the woodwork one way or the other! One thing - don't worry your pretty little head about Google - try Googling either 'World of Bollocks' or even 'The Daily Examiner is a God awful parochial rag'. You may find the result is FLAIL. There is a small fraction of Googleproofing built into the site, largely for my own protection. Don't really need Rusty Crowe's trained lawyer monkeys coming after me for the number of times I've compared his band to used food, unfavourably. Wouldn't put you in any danger intentionally.
As for the rest, agreed. The ODT is seriously fucking yeehaa. At least the APN papers have the advantage of shared content yeah? And Star Cursors = military grade technology. They'll be left after the nuclear clusterfuck along with the cockroaches, McDonalds cheeseburgers and Bert Newton's hair. Other than the microswitches (which anyone who'd ever spent 5 mins in Dick Smiths could figure out how to change) you couldn't kill them with an axe. And I seem to remember the best Amiga store was in Casino - Happy Place To Shop indeed!
I think the best usage of SWOS was that Amiga Action coverdisk which I think was Milan-Juve, seem to recall beating the hell out of it on your A500 one weekend - may have even been the weekend of the Sydney test where Skwarnie got seven-fer on the first day. Unfortunately Fanie de Villiers happened on the last.
This week, an Ecuadorian fighter pilot crashed in the jungle, he and his co-pilot ejected and survived. While the pilot was in a cable being winched to the rescue chopper (along with a SAR guy), the cable snapped, killing both of them. Now, Alanis, THAT'S ironic...being killed by the thing that was supposed to save you.
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