Bag of dictators

The 80s were a bag of dicks, as anyone with a pulse, a brain and/or direct personal recollection of the period will endorse. The fashion was shit, the music was shit, the hairdos were fuck-off-cretinous and internet porn hadn't been invented yet. It's not for unrelated reasons that the only pricks trying to bring back the era are the idiot kids who weren't born until after 1990.

One thing the 80s did have, though, was proper batshit loony dictators. Admittedly, the 1970s were arguably the highpoint for the field, with the likes of Idi Amin strutting about the place, but the 1980s had variety - from your Noriegas and Pinochets and Argie juntas in central and south America, to the commie thugs of East Germany gunning down wall-climbers and force-feeding roids to prepubescent girls, to the fat white belligerent Boer cunts of apartheid Sarth Efricor. Plus everyone's old-school totes-totalitarians who've stood the test of time - your Castros, your Chinese Communist Apparatus (which should be the name of an indie band from north Fitzroy, and probably is) and of course your Kim Jong Licenced-To-Il in the DPR-to-the-K.

Today, of course, we have two fifths of fuck all. 2013's big bag of dictators is barer than Cronulla-Sutherland's trophy cupboard, while the need for the first world to know which foreign leaders to revile remains as overflowing as Cronulla-Sutherland's safe injecting rooms. Outrage-hungry activiste types and are forced to redefine the likes of Rupert Murdoch as totalitarian dictators, when in reality what they are is just cunts. Apart from Ahmadinnerjacket and some Syrian Asshat, there's not a lot doing nowadays. Until Kim Jong Il became too ill and dropped off the twig, handing over to his genuinely fucking unhinged young bloke: winner winner chicken dinner. Unless you're in North Korea, where it's kim-chi. Or rather would be if the country wasn't broke-ass-broke, so it's wet cardboard.

How genuinely fucking unhinged is Kim Jong Un? Well, he wants to start a war, start a NUCLEAR WAR. And since there's no gay bars in Pyongyang (that the DPRK are prepared to acknowledge at least) he's looking to start one in the South China Sea instead. To quote the usually reserved AFP: 

The current crisis, with its nuclear threats and Kim's lurid exhortations to his troops to "break the waists of the crazy enemies and totally cut their windpipes" has placed the young leader in the global spotlight... His apparent affection for amusement parks and Disney characters sits oddly with his position as supreme commander of the world's fifth-largest army with an emerging nuclear arsenal.

You think?

The final dealbreaker in the is-Kim-Jong-Un-batshit-insane debate is, of course, the company he keeps. If he was in any way compos mentis, but just playing up the looney tunes routine in public in order to further his devious aims (much like the Mad Butcher), he'd surround himself with intelligent, rational, strategic-thinking people.

That'd be a no then.

Dennis Rodman was and remains an all-time great of NBA basketball. If you needed defensive rebounds, the Worm was your man. Led the league in rebounds every season from 1992 to 1998. Two-time defensive player of the year.  Five championships, two with the Pistons and three with Jordan's Bulls. The Pistons retired his number. NBA.com called him 'arguably the best rebounding forward in NBA history.' He's in the Hall of Fame. 

He also appears to be batshit, weapons-grade, window-licking insane.

Yes, even by NBA standards, where it's not off-message for a guy to rename himself Metta World Peace, even if he's previously been suspended for an entire season for punching on with crowd members.

Rodman copped a lot of heat during his career, but nothing like the frothing from Septic meeja types for hanging with the DPRK's Number Un, shooting the shit and rolling with the lulz while they watched some ball. At roughly the same time as North Korea were ramping up the thermonuclear rhetoric (and underground testing) vis a vis the South, and as the DPRK were sentencing American citizen Kenneth Bae to 15 years hard labour.

Which brings us to the following:

I did me a solid this morning; it took two flushes, but that's beside the point. What's not beside the point, indeed what's right on top of the point poking it in the ear with a sharpened HB pencil is the undeniable fact that if this works, and if Rodman can get through to KJU when NOONE ELSE IN THE WORLD can - not the Americans, not the South Koreans, not the Russians, not the Chinese -  Dennis Rodman may turn out to be the Henry Kissinger of our time. And since it would seem highly likely Kissinger couldn't grab a defensive board to save his fat arse, Rodman is likely to be the greatest negotiator in the history of international diplomacy.

Dennis Rodman: crazy like a fox. In a wedding dress.

The Doctor is OUT.