Anyhoo, at the World of Bollocks, we don't mind admitting our mistakes. That's because WE DON'T FUCKEN MAKE ANY MATEY. Bollocks to that. No fault, no claim, no harm, no foul. Yes, we don't mind admitting when we're wrong, and will do so whenever that might happen, sometime in the next twenty years...
OK, OK. We've been wrong in the past. I got pretty wrong once at a Thai restaurant on six pints of Speights and a bottle of that Taylors red with the seahorse on it and talked more shit than Kyle Sandilands and Steve Fielding combined. Occasionally, though, I like being wrong. Most recently I've liked being wrong about the peroxided, pseudo-metro-homo excuses for cricketers who've populated the Strayan side with their particular brand of no-rounder skills and pouting pointlessness. In particular one Shane Watson, formerly of the Switch, late of the NSW SpeedBlitz Blues, and one Cameron 'Bear' White, a.k.a. the New Warnie, Captain of Victoria since puberty and by reputation the greatest living prospect for Australian cricket since the last one.
Both have been, unequivocally and indisputably, fucking rubbish in an Australian shirt since the day the Puntificating One handed it to them. White may be the only legspinner in history who can't turn the ball more than an inch off square. Watson has been broken more times than a Usain Bolt world record. Both are less use than a busted coight and appear to be in the side largely for the purposes of looking pretty in KFC, armpit-killer and Ford ute commercials. We have bagged and bagged and bagged some more the likes of Watson, White and the other decorative-but-functionless bits of Gen Y flotsam that currently stink up the Ashes-losing Australian cricket franchise in these pages, to the point of proposing that the lot of them be bailed up in a hotel suite by Roy Symonds with a spearfishing gun and replace the lot of them with washed up old drunks from the beach cricket tournament.
Except. Except except except.
Someone had the idea of making Shane Watson, the most injuredest man in a baggy green since Bruce Reid, the opening batsman in an Ashes test series. Now, I saw the experiment which was Watson batting in the top order for Queensland in shield cricket. It was not an experiment which would have passed muster at the relevant research ethics committees because it was FUCKING PAINFUL FOR EVERYONE INVOLVED. Yet someone had the idea of handing him a bat, and a helmet, pointing to the square and saying 'Yer up, son.'
Watson has now played three tests as opener for 240 runs at an average of 48. He is now the Test and ODI opener for his country. I have no idea how this happened, but it happened.
Likewise, someone, possibly to win a bet, has decided Cameron White should have a crack at batting number three for Australia. Yes, that Cameron White. The dude with the big neck who looks a bit special needs. Yeah like THAT'S gonna work.
Cameron White almost single-handedly won the third ODI against the Poms with an even-time 105 batting at number three. When alleged captain Richard Ponting returns from sick (of losing) leave tomorrow, it won't be Bear White who he replaces. It may well be stuttering Aussie V-C Lara Bingle, who appears to be still batting to try and save the fifth test despite the one-dayers having started a week and a half ago. Who else is he going to replace? Watson? New keeper T-Pain? Callum Ferguson, the Skinny Boof? Mike Hussey? Hmmm. There's your man, perhaps.
So, we waz rong. Big ups to Bear White and Shane Watson. And about time we just dispensed with the pleasantries and started picking the team just from blokes eligible to play for NSW, either by birth or current employment. Your new national first XI:
SR Watson
PJ Hughes
PA Jaques
MJ Clarke
SM Katich
DA Warner
BJ Haddin (so that's just the seven former Australian openers then)
B Lee
NW Bracken
SR Clark
JJ Krejza
12th Man: to be selected from
NM Hauritz
DE Bollinger
RT Ponting
...well he lives in Sydney, it's enough to consider him for selection, even if he's unlikely to get a run.
And finally, a song of hope, a song of joy. A song for Ms Caster Semenya, of no fixed underpants, South Africa.
The Doctor is OUT.
3 comments:
They should bring on one BS Connolly (my humble self) who is currently on debut saving the day in the Ashes Series - on Xbox. Seriously - I'm kicking major pommy ass in the whites! Even my runs-restarts ratio isn't high.
Anyway, good on Watson, et al. Whatever... everyone knows the hit n giggle version of the game (both versions) are a waste of cigarette advertising dollars.
I would watch cricket if you commentated.
Just wait, Watson will attempt a checky quick single and his body will spontaneously explode.
Then White will get deliousions of the great one (Warney) and start claiming he is really a bowler which will lead to a complete batting form slump.
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