To everything there is a season

Spring has sprung. Well, not here. In Hungary. The spring in question being one off a BrawnGP Formula One car, which has sprung into the locality of one Felipe Massa to the detriment of his continued interest in the sport. Which brings us to the Point of the Exercise: it's Comeback Season. Whether we blame Lance Armstrong returning to the Tour, or AC/DC returning for one of their own, the defining cultural meme of Now is most definitely the Lazarus Act, the return of ancient creaking greybeards to the fields and stages on which they used to kick all manner of arse. And of these, none is so great or so astonishing as that which was announced last week.

Yes, salad-dodging middle-order bludger Craig McMillan is returning to NZ cricket for the domestic T20 series.

Nah it's not. It's Schuey. He's BAAAAACK. Forty years old, a bit older, a bit fatter, a bit more busted-arse - courtesy an ill-advised flirtation with German national-championship superbike racing - and all of a sudden, busted out of his stud paddock to fill in for Felipe while they lever the dents out of the eggshell that constitutes his head. But the World of Bollocks asks - when the best from the past are well past their best, is this ever a good idea? If they're as far past their best as Brett Favre, the answer is pretty obvious, even if it's a little long in the arriving. Stay the fuck home and play golf instead. This is the way with comebacks... for every Ali-after-getting-banned there's an Ali-after-getting-old. So with that in mind we present:

The World of Bollocks Comeback Rater

Michael Schumacher, Scuderia Ferrari, Formula One 2009
Coming back from: Several years getting splinters in his arse, and one getting plates in his shoulder
Chances: Pretty decent. Ferrari are improving on pace, plus his teammate Raikkonen can't be arsed - spent his weekend off crashing rally cars in WRC Rally Finland - so he can't help but look good.
Comeback rating (on a scale of Warwick Capper to Jason McCartney): Alfie Langer in Origin III

Lance Armstrong, Team RadioShack, Tour de France 2010
Coming back from: A bunch of years shagging AOR radio songstresses and not riding bikes up big fuck-off hills. Followed by one gentle lap of France riding shotgun for BFF Albie C*ntador getting the Nike LiveStrong logo into as many photo ops as possible.
Chances: Good, but not as good as the Septic sportsmedia would want them to be. Didn't see the best of him in TdF '09, due to contractual obligations, but chances are he's simply not as handy up hill as he used to be. Will depend massively on who Uncle Johan manages to ink to Radio Shack deals to ride along side Lance in 2010.
Comeback rating: Stacey Jones

Karmichael Hunt, Gold Coast Football Club, VFL/AFL
Coming back from: A brief dalliance in rugby league to return to his childhood dream growing up in the Aussie Rules hotbed of Auckland, playing for a club that didn't exist in a sport he'd never heard of.
Chances: Not flash. Probably has the athletic ability to eventually compete, but absolutely, positively, does not have the mental wherewithall to cope with being shit at his new sport for as long as it'll take for him to progress beyond being the worst kick in the VFL, let alone AFL. Not to mention being the PR focal point for the entire GC17 enterprise, at least until they sign someone actually decent at footy rather than for their worth as a publicity stunt. May go and hide in the toilets for a while if it becomes too much for him. Won't be allowed to bring friends anymore either. Speaking of which, his fellow league defectors have most definitely set the precedent here with their lack of persistence with their new codes - Sailor, Rogers, Lotsa Tequilas and even Tim Tam Tahu only last week, taking a pay cut to return to the Eels. And those blokes only left to play rugby, not aerial ping-pong with all the other pissed amputees having a tiff.
Comeback rating: Bjorn Borg with a wooden racquet

Craig McMillan, Canterbury, NZ domestic Twenty20 cricket
Coming back from: Eating pies
Chances: Good - will have plenty more pies chucked at him in this form of the game
Comeback rating: Warnie in the IPL, on a smaller scale apart from the arse

Triple 8 Lucky Horseshoe Golden Shower Casino and Race Engineering Workshop, aka Team Vodafone, V8 Supercars 2010
Coming back from: Several years building fuck-off quick Falcons, despite beginning life in the UK as the official factory Vauxhall (General Motors UK) touring car team and hence probably belonging in red
Chances: Exceptional, unless Lowndes and rest of team lynched by toothless Ford fans in carpark at Ipswich Raceway next month
Comeback rating: Michael Jordan after that baseball thing

Australia, Ashes cricket, 2009
Coming back from: 1-0 down with two tests to play
Chances: Fucking ordinary if they keep picking the Plumber et al
Comeback rating: Brocky at Bathurst, any of the 47 times he tried it

Australia, Ashes cricket, 2010/11
Coming back from: The above
Chances: Guaranteed win
Comeback rating: AC/DC

Malcolm Turnbull, Federal Opposition Leader
Coming back from: Utegate, a Federal Police inquiry, massive electoral unpopularity and generally being a born-to-rule cock
Chances: Threefold - Buckley's, none and fuck all
Comeback rating: Less likely than a Spinal Tap drummer

The Doctor is OUT.
Chance of a comeback: Mike Tyson.
(There'll be one, but it'll make no fucking sense to anyone.)