Day 1: how about this for openers?
If it's the opening ceremony you mean, only marginally better than New Zealand's openers, who are shit. Prior to their tournament pipe-opener versus the bouncing Czechs, Switzerland took time out to bore every one of the 39, 730 in St Jakob's Park bored busted-arse badgershit with selected 'highlights' of their nationhood, including such historical milestones as winning (purchasing) the America's Cup, inventing cheese with weight-saving holes in, inventing new and pointless tools to stick onto folding penknives, and apologising for their role in profiteering off the back of the Holocaust and harbouring Nazi war criminals and Nazi war gold in the aftermath of WW2. What, they didn't get around to that bit?
Switzerland went on to bear out another historical truism regarding their ludicrously self-inflated cuckoo-clock republic in the hills: possessors of a football side good on organisation and cohesion and all those other useful, if fucking tedious, elements - but when the footballing gods were handing out creative spark this parking inspector of a nation was presumably out the back giving some poor cunt a ticket and a lecture about not ashing his fag on the footpath. Even more so when Switzerland's lead (and indeed only) striker Alexander Frei became notably Frei-ed at the edges (sorry), departing from both game and tournament with what medicos characterised as a totally fucking rooted knee. While the Swiss lacked a striker, the Czechs had more than they could use in the form of big stupid Jan Koller, last of the throwbacks to the original Czech Republic side of Euro 96 which gave the Krauts a big fat scare in the final on their international debut as a stand-alone nation. However they needed to get rid of the big stupid one before they could actually manage a goal through sub Vaclav Sverkos. The Czechos are missing the midfield string-pulling of Arsenal's Tomas Rosicky - winner of the World Cup '06 Tasco Telescope award for the greatest goal scored from the greatest distance - like a hole in the head.
Later, in the battle between the biggest hackers and the biggest divers of the tournament, Turkey lost to Portugal. Happily, Cristi Ronaldo scored no goals and got fouled a lot. What a cunt. (At last, something even the Man U fans can agree on.) Mind you, against the Turks, even Casper the Friendly Ghost would end up tits-up on the playing surface. Little known fact: 'Doner' meat is made from the pureed extract of showboating opposition wingers.
Beckham had a poor game against the Turks in a pre-tournament friendly
Show us your helmet
The best dressed man of EURO 2008 wasn't anywhere near Swissteria on the weekend, unsurprisingly as the Swiss would have him arrested for crimes against conformity going back a dozen years or more. Yes kids, it's long-time World favourite Valentino Rossi. Not content with last week's effort of turning up at his home race at Mugello with the best helmet design in the entire history of motorsport....
Seriously, in what way is that not the funniest shit ever?
...he followed it up this weekend in Catalunya with not only a bike repainted in the world champion blue of the world champion Azzurri, the Italian national side (world champions, or so I hear)...
...but a set of leathers designed to look like the Azzurri's playing strip. Complete with shorts, books, socks and a football for a head (making him more like Bert Newton than Marco Materazzi, but anyway.)
Admittedly the pink bits were a bit dodgy - not the first time Rossi's been accused of associating himself with dodgy pink bits, although he claimed the grid girls were totally professional - but the idea is thoroughly choice. He carried the idea to the podium after just ousting Casey Stoner from second place in the race, having been gapped by race winner and personality bypass recipient Dani Pedrosa while hauling through the field from his crap grid position of ninth. The Azzurri would want to start better tonight against the Dutch in the opening matches of the Group of Death, but they're equally renown as shit-slow starters.
Day 2: Offen mein schiesse
From the Group of Death to the Group of Dull, which sees Germany playing a bunch of teams which are equally as snore-bore-draw focused as Der Fussballmannschaft: Poland, who would be a much better side if Germany would give back the players of theirs they annexed previously - a bit of a habit of theirs as it turns out - Klose and Podolski (two goals v the Poles, who will be happy with getting a F1 Grand Prix winner out of the weekend instead); Austria, Germany's retarded cousin who belied their hundred-plus world ranking to give the Croatians a serious case of the irrits; and Croatia, whose reputation as a 'tournament dark horse' (largely given them by sour Pom pundits trying to gladhand, glorymonger and bandwagoneer following their nation's thorough mannschafting in qualifying at the hands of the Cros) wasn't helped much by playing like a geometric array of busteds in the evening game.
But you gotta love the Cro's, not just because they're prepared to turn up and be seen in a playing shirt that appears to be made from the tablecloths from a cheap Italian bistro. (Happy 2nd Birthday, That Joke.) And not just because of the great players which have worn aforementioned tea-towel like Zvoni Boban, Davo Suker, Robbo Prostheticneckski or their great, of short history of giant-killing, shit-stirring and generally agitating their way through Euro 96, France 98 and... actually they've done fuck all since other than top their group in qualifying for this. Mainly you got to give points for their coach, Rampaging Roy Slaven Bilic, who was part of those late-90s sides (he actually got French captain Laurent Blanc a red card in the France 98 semi which meant the decrepit old bastard missed the final - which the French were probably secretly delighted by) and has graduated into being the best-value international coach in the game. I'm not seeing Aussie Pim sledging opposition coaches, playing in a rock band in his spare time, or not bothering picking enough defenders for his squad because he figures his midfield 'magicians' will arse their way out of trouble. And when you figure that among the six defenders in the Croat squad is listed the busted-arse-useless Joey Simunic (the three yellow card man from the World Cup game against Australia - apparently the idiot pom ref wrote Simunic's first yellow down against Australia rather than the Tablecloths after hearing his ex-Canberra accent and getting momentarily confused) - you know Rampaging Roy Slaven is serious about all-out-attack. Judging by the evening game, he just has to explain the concept to his attacking players and they should be away...
The Doctor is OUT.
(Actually, as pointed out earlier, he came second. The ladies prefer it that way apparently.)
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