Russia vs Spain, the Cliff Notes version

YOBBO ON EURO: MATCHDAY 18 | SEMIFINAL 2
The reign of Spain sends Russia down the drain

Uh, yeah. First game I've watched completely live, in its entirety, of this tournament, and all I have written down here about the game is:

• Good game
  

Gee thanks for that, Captain Obvious

• Same margin as last time

Ditto

• What the fuck happened to Arse Shavings and Pavlovachenko? They're harder to find than a taxi after 3am

Since when have you been out later than half eleven, smart arse?

• Dani Guiza fancies himself as a Spanish archer judging by that ponderous goal celebration - still, at least he's more accurate than the last Spanish archer who came to prominence, that useless clown from the Barcelona Olympics opening ceremony who missed the cauldron and set fire to half the adjoining suburb*

*Facts may have been embellished for humourous effect

• Three goals in a half - finally John Helm will shut the fuck up about the 'Curse of Vienna'
• Speaking of which don't go to Vienna for holidays in summer unless you like being pissed on from a great height
  

Likewise certain parts of Amsterdam I'm told

• The batshit old racist had it all over Aussie Russkie United Nations Guus

True dat. Luis Aragones, batshit old racist by appointment to the Spanish FA, took Hiddink to the cleaners just as he'd done to the Italians, though Rino Gattuso still installed a Rheem with a pre-match burn which is clubhouse leader for the Steve Waugh Mentally Disintegrated Red Hanky for Sledge Of The Tournament. Aragones, prior to the quarter-final against the Azzurri, declared Gattuso was infinitely more rubbish than his surrounding media hype: "If Gattuso is vital [for Italy] I am a priest." Gattuso, bearded thug by appointment to AC Milan, replied that Aragones was an elderly fruitbat in need of as much Viagra-fuelled action as he could get at this late stage in proceedings: "If I was in his shoes I wouldn't become a priest. He is at a certain age already and he should enjoy life."

OK, so Gattuso won the battle, Aragones the war, but the latter went on to declare that for the cause, his players would and should be prepared to die on the pitch. Which went down rather poorly in Spain considering Antonio Puerta did exactly that - collapsed and died on the pitch playing for Sevilla in a La Liga match earlier this year. Put it this way - if Aragones doesn't manage to win the tournament he may actually be lynched if he sets foot inside the Sevilla city limits again.

Meanwhile, also from our file marked 'batshit' and 'old', former FIFA El Presidente For Life (before Septic Blatter gave him the shove) Joao Havelange has declared to his local Sao Paulo paper that the 1966 and 1974 World Cups were fixed in favour of host nations Engerland and Germany (Western Conference) respectively, because neither side could have possibly beaten Brazil on merit. He claimed that playing fixtures stacked with British and German refs and linesman meant The Fix Was In for the hosts. Have-A-Lunge's claims don't quite explain (a) why the Germans would agree to a fix which would see them getting beaten by England in the final in 1966 and never hear the fucking end of it again, or (b) what the fuck he's on about given Brazil's washed-up side of 1974 were lucky to get within half a bull's roar of the Total Football-era Dutch who dispatched them two-blot in the allegedly fixed Brazil-Holland match. Of course, Have-A-Lunge goes on to assert that after HE took over as FIFA Trough-Snouter-In-Chief immediately after the '74 finals, nothing at all dodgy ever went on until he was given the arse in 1998. Certainly nothing dodgy about Argentina 1978 where the hosts needed to beat Copa America holders Peru by four clear goals to reach the final ahead of Brazil... and won 6-0, with an Argentine-born keeper between the Peruvian sticks...

Speaking of South American rort, neither of the ANZAC brethren need to worry about running into the likes of Argentina or UR Gay on the road to 2010 World Cup qualifying. Having topped their group in the third round of Asian qualifying, Australia pulled a decent draw out of the AFC for the final group stage, deposited into Group A with Uzbekistan, Qatar (who we dealt to in the third round), Bahrain (who we dealt to in 2007 Asian Cup qualifying) and Japan (who we dealt to in the World Cup. And the war. We won't mention the Asian Cup quarterfinal.) The Soccerwhos only need to finish top-two in the group to qualify directly; finish third and there's the slightly dubious safety net of a playoff against the third-placed outfit from the other final-round Asian group (probably either Iran, South Korea or the Saudis), the winner of which gets to take on the champion of Oceania - if it's not the All Whites, football should be outlawed in New Zealand on principle - in a home-and-away playoff. So it's not UR Gay who Australia need to get past, but if they play their cards wrong, it might just be the side they left Oceania to get away from. In the same way that one changes seats on an international flight if trapped next to the most boring, tedious and/or punishing person on Earth.

The Doctor is OUT.