Eyes down and glasses up... it's Bathurst Beer Bingo 2012

Because watching six and a half hours of bewinged taxis lapping a hill in central-western NSW SOBER would be cruel and unusual punishment.

THE PRIME DIRECTIVE
The object of Bathurst Beer Bingo is to make it to the finish of the race. Thus, strategy is key. Your Correspondent plans a conservative strategy of early double-stints on Coopers Sparkling, with a reserve of Coopers Mild for the sprint to the flag.

THE RULES
DRINK for the following:

The RACE START.

Declaration of SAFETY CAR PERIODS.

Crowd shots of COMPLETELY OFF-CHOPS SNAGGLE-TOOTHED BOGAN MUNTERS.

SWEARING ON RACE RADIO.

The first usage of the phrases 'GAME ON' by the Seven Communtery Team. All subsequent uses will NOT be Drinking Offences as you'd all be fucking trolleyed before the second round of pit stops. See also 'THE RACE IS GOING OFF' and utterly context-bereft references to Peter Brock.

Instances of the Seven Communtery Team attempting to sell TICKETS to things, particularly the LAST 30 LAPS. It's not a fucking chook raffle at the bowlo you arsebadgers.

Sightings of WILDLIFE on the racetrack - kangaroos, horses, snaggle-toothed bogan munters. SPECIAL PENALTIES apply to violent contact between wildlife and race entrants (see below)

Sightings of the WEATHER RADAR, particularly if the weather is NOT PARTICULARLY SHIT

Majestic and arty super slo-mos of absolutely fuck-all of significance

FPR'S TIM EDWARDS BLEATING ABOUT BEING HARD DONE BY AND TRIPLE 8 HAVE CHEATED AND IT'S NOT FAIR I WANT A PONY ROLAND HAS A PONY

You can have a pony when you win something, you whinging toolbag

The now-traditional 50 CENT PARTS BREAKING AND FUCKING UP SOMEONE'S RACE. This has been indexed with inflation up to and including $2 parts.

CARS EATING THINGS. Specifically, objects being ingested into air intakes, such as plastic bags (eg Mark Skaife 2002), beer cartons (Allan Moffat 1971) or kangaroos (Jim Richards 2004)

Instances of TRADITIONAL BATHURST SCHADENFREUDE ie when some prick you hate blows up and/or bunkers it in the kitty litter. This category is entirely subjective and may result in drinking whenever anyone fucks up. Competitors are reminded of the Prime Directive (see above).

PITLANE
The following will be assessed as Drinking Penalties:
Use of RACE TAPE
Use of SLIDE HAMMERS
Use of a PORTALOO to sulk in after spilling half a tank of fuel down the road by driving off too early
Use of a STUPID FUCKING HEAT GUN for NO APPARENT REASON other than to ensure Larko doesn't fuck about with any of the team equipment

The following are SPECIAL DRINKING PENALTIES and require the complete consumption of one's drinking vessel:
Running over WILDLIFE
Running over WESTLIFE, or any other anthem-singing prick
PUNCHING ON amongst competitors, commentators or grid girls
The SAFETY CAR CRASHING, BREAKING DOWN or otherwise FUCKING UP
Someone drawing a COCK AND BALLS on Larko's whiteboard
Someone drawing a COCK AND BALLS on Larko's forehead
Anything else WEIRD that looks like it DESERVES A SKOL

Have fun, and remember, motorsport will be the winner on the day.

The Doctor is OUT.