Yeah g'day. Munter here, entertainment reporter fuckin' extraordinaire. Bin a while since me last report, less said about that the better. Remember how I said sheep don't press charges? Yeah seems farmers do. Bastard was just jealous I got to her first. Bit like Nikki Webster's old man back in the day, come to think of it.[I did warn you - Dr Y]
Anyway yer man Dr Yobbo got me in to knock out a literature review of the latest groundbreaking publications in me field. As you'd probly be aware the leading journals in me field are fuck-off-tedious gossip mags targeted at post-menstrual haggises so this probably won't take too long.
Women's Day (NZ edition), December 18, 2007
Actually I just made the fuckin' date up as I can't remember which issue it was. It might not even have been Women's Gay. Could have been No Idea or that supposedly Weekly one which comes out monthly. Then again Women's Monthly tends to mean something a bit different round where the Munter grew up, something which 200 shiny sheets of glossy un-absorbant magazine paper ain't gonna be much help with. Old enough to bleed, old enough to butcher, you know how it is. How'd we get onto Nikki Webster again? (Same way as usual. Rohypnol. All them Schoolies toolies can't be wrong.)
[Fuck's sake, this is even grossing ME out - Dr Y]
All of which brings us back to the point which we came here to discuss: chicks who get paid to shake their arse for blokes' entertainment.
So anyway, this one was worth the price of admission alone. Strawberry blonde, like Nic Kidman back in the day before she fucked off and married that impotent Scientologist midget with the big honker and the miniscule cock. Slender as you like - the Munter tends to prefer them with a bit of meat on their bones, but I wasn't gonna kick her out of bed if she farted - great legs, tits, and an arse you could open a stubbie with. I had me usual seat, kicking back with a beer - Jesus they charge like a wounded bull these days - as this chick started doing her thing. Her eyes meet mine, she's got this dirty little grin on her face. None of this 'going through the motions' rubbish you get with some other so-called 'professional entertainers'. 'Going through the motions' is what you used to do swimming off Bondi before they extended the outfall - it's not what you want when you lay down your hard earned for a bit of fun yeah? Anyway this one was no talk and all action, me favourite. Harder than four unit maths I was.
So she crawls on all fours across her little stage in some sort of skimpy skin-tight athletic legging sort of schtick - not the usual get-up but I wasn't writing to the ODT to complain.
"I'm a dirty little piggie," she purred with that spank-my-arse grin.
Fuckin' bet you are luv, I nodded.
"And I need to take a bath...."
At that point I almost knocked me beer over on the remote control. Hey, like the song says, five in the arse, let's do it together...
[Not getting any better is it? Christ on a bike - Dr Y]
Fuck off beardy. Me point is that children's television has certainly changed a lot since the Munter was a little tacker. Back in the day you didn't see Play School presenters like Noni Hazlehurst on all fours begging to be hosed clean. Well, not until her acting career really started to go downhill and the MILF porn sites started recruiting.
Which brings us round to today's Journal Club article: 'Hi-5's Kellie: The truth behind my tears', the abstract of which follows:
So apparently the spankable blonde one from the five-in-the-arse lot cracked the shits royally at the afterparty ARIAs or the Logies or something because the one she used to be rooting - the curly headed fucker who you were sure had to be a arse burgler, I know I was certain as - decided to not only park his pork in an alternate bacon buttie but took his new chick to the party and dragged her into all the photos to rub her nose in it. The blonde chick I mean, not the new girlfriend, though if she needs that in order to get her properly house trained then I got no problems with it, what people do in their own houses are their business, particularly now that me telescope is in the shop being repaired (OK, scraped clean).
The background to this is that everyone else in the group are rooting like Viagra-powered rabbits and the blonde was missing out, as she'd just busted up with her new lad. Curly had his new chick, the ginga hottie married young (fucking Christians), the token Asian got up the duff to the non-poofter from Savage Garden (there was one, apparently) and has since been replaced with a different token Asian from a different Asian subgroup, Korean instead. As for the other fullah Tim he's not up to much as he's laid up in traction. To be fair I always reckoned he was a fat smug cunt but then I found out he writes for a motorbike mag and isn't a total fucking choado after all. Of course the reason he's in traction is that he royally fucked himself chucking his R6 track bike down the road at the Creek one weekend, but top points for trying son. As regards pants action, after his big stack he's presumably riding (something) appropriate to the conditions like the ads tell you to. Actually shouldn't laugh, for a while there the poor bastard was in a chair and I don't mean that fucking awful kiddie band from Newy.
Like all good science cunts I've done me research and can give you the following burning insights (though apparently the burning goes away after you use the ointment for a couple of days):
- The ginga's real name is Sharlene, which couldn't be more Kath and fuckin' Kim if you tried.
- The blonde is actually in her mid-30s and used to be in the Teen Queens. No, fucking seriously.
- The fuckers responsible for the whole idea of putting heinously hot women in clingy outfits on kids TV also did Bananas in Pyjamas. Are you thinking what I'm thinking, B1?
- As regards actually informing or entertaining anyone, Hi-5 might work well as early-morning spank-bank fodder for out-of-work Invercargill truck drivers but I'm told the kids still prefer the Wiggles. Plus their dads can go along to the Wiggles without worrying about being arrested for molesting the performers. Winner.
Until next time... Copulater.
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