A band by any other name would sound as crap

Hello there. Each year the Onion's A.V. Club compile their list of the worst band names to cross their path, either by appearing in their gig listings or just by being happened upon on MySpace. This year's edition is, as you'd expect, gold so go read it now (I said NOW you bastards) but as a taster here's the World of Bollocks' not in any way plagiarised summation of the ones which had us giggling the most:

As Your Attorney
The Asbestos Tampons
Baboon Torture Division
Ballcock Assembly
Bi Furious
Capitalist Hippie Complex
Car Full Of Midgets
Clusterfunk
Coach Said Not To
Dance Me Pregnant
The Dead Kenny Gs (both an excellent pun and something we could all be happy about)
Dyslexic Speedreaders
Fixed Gears Are For Jerks And Lesbians
Funk You and the Horse You Rode In On (the highlight of an extensive list covering every possible imaginable usage of ‘funk’ in a band name)
Gay Witch Abortion
General Patton & His Privates
Happy Mothers Day, I Can't Read
Harmonica Lewinsky
The House That Gloria Vanderbilt
It Shoulda Been Lars (they speak the truth)
Jewsus
Manchowder Tsunami (actually one bloke's Guitar Hero band name)
Neil Diamond Phillips
One Small Step For Landmines
The Pleasures Of Merely Circulating
Prognosis: Killing It
Ringo Deathstarr
Shitdisco
Skull Sküll (points for random usage of umlauts in the finest metal traditions)
Special Ed & The Shortbus
Statutory Grape
Sudden Infant Dance Syndrome
To Live And Shave In L.A.
Whore Du Jour
Yo Mama's Big Fat Booty Band

TICKLE ME EMO
Cliffs and Bitter Endings
Cross My Heart Hope To Die
Enigmatic Heart
Flowers Of Romance
The Ghost Is Dancing
Grave For The Fireflies
Gray Lines Of Perfection
I Would Set Myself On Fire For You
Order Of The Dying Orchid
Pieces Of A Dream
Winter Took His Life

RANDOM PROFANITY
Big Fucking Thunder
Cock Rock For Cannibals
Cocktards
Cribshitter
Expensive Shit
Fuckwolf
Ima Fucking Gymnist
The Mister Fuckhead Ensemble
Monster Cock Rally
The Pussy Pirates (first line of bio: "FIRST OFF WE'RE AN IDEAS BAND. I THINK WE PROVED THAT WITH ‘FUCK MOUNTAIN’")
Psychedelic Horseshit (who describe their sound as "trashcans fucking on cheap speed")
Slutbarf
Snatch Magnet
Stay Fucked
Steaming Wolf Penis
Those Fucking Unicorns

'Trashcans fucking on cheap speed'? They're ripping off our sound
A band name which sadly didn't turn up on the annual Worst Band Names list was that of an ex-Newcastle four-piece called Rainbow Junk. The Junk largely missed getting a guernsey because (a) it's not actually that bad a name and (b) they haven't played any gigs in North America. Well, not during calendar year 2007 anyway, other than a couple of gigs in Montreal pub gigs in November. For those of you late on arrival or slow on uptake, the Junk is the artistic endeavour of brother Grotboy, hipster fashion victim to the stars, and his admittedly talented Newy muso mates (particularly ace axeman Jack who shreds like a Magimix.) Their work sounds somewhat like Californication-era Chili Peppers newly back on the smack and feeling vaguely melancholy about it. From a lyrical perspective, they choose to take an abstractist deconstructional approach to their art (read: they make less sense than Mark Geyer after nine cones - yours or his, it wouldn't make much difference.) Then again that statement should be read in the context of someone prepared to un-ironically admit to liking Airbourne, therefore indicting me as a bogan rural hick from the sticks who secretly wants to drive around in a big fuck-off ute with a bullbar playing Acca Dacca at earwax-melting decibels. (Guilty as charged, Cletus.)


















Grotboy in his short-lived 'Glenn Medeiros' phase

Anyway Ben and the boys have been in LA for about a month or so and have a couple of gigs lined up over the next few weeks. Someone must like 'em. Massive Attack's former producer, allegedly (a good story which we fervently hope is true.) So all the luck in the world to the lads - all of us at the World of Bollocks sincerely hope and trust that the record deal turns up before the immigration department do...

The Doctor is OUT.


PS As always here at the Bollocks, we welcome your suggestions for your own worst/best band names, album or song titles etc. Your correspondent has a list longer than God's own schlong which was compiled in a spasmic fit of mid-PhD procrastination, intended for a novel which remains stoutly and justifiably unfinished - some sort of bizarre genetically engineered hybrid of Still Crazy (the film), He Died With A Felafel In His Hand (definitely not the film) and Captain Stupidity (the immensely poor textual comic-strip which someone I know reasonably well once perpetrated on the world, or at least the bits which were paying vague attention).
The world may be a sick and wrong place but it surely deserves better than to suffer this indignity seeing the light of day.

PPS How about Debilitating Smack Habit for a band name? Presumably they'd open for Amy Winehouse.