Former '80s Quoinsland and Strayan fast bowler and ginga of repute Craig 'Billy' McDermott, these days a multi-millionaire Gold Coast property developer, recently had his big fuck-off boat into the shop to be detailed. As you do when you're a multi-millionaire Gold Coast property developer. And you have a big fuck-off boat. Which needs detailing. Anyway Billy's error, such as it was, was to leave a home-made videotape of himself and his missus on the job on board. (Whether they'd been on the job on board, or whether the action sequences were filmed on terra firma, has not been confirmed at time of press; the latter seems more likely as it promulgates the idea of Billy going down at sea.) One of the boat shop's less reputable staffers got wind of this, managed to theft a copy, and proceeded to blackmail Billy for tens of thousands of your Australian dollars. I believe the most appropriate way to describe this is 'Very GC'.
The blackmailer was finally caught in a sting with Queensland Police, who were outraged that anyone would come up with such a corrupt and illegal operation without inviting them to join in. Like any good investor, Billy will presumably now have the tape put on the internet in order to recover his original capital. As former NZ opener Mark 'Rigor' Richardson commented this evening on Kiwi sports show The Crowd Goes Wild: Given that Craig McDermott has ginger pubes, if you were looking for the video at the video shop, would you need to look under 'Pornography' or 'Horror'?
The Weak would like to point out that The Crowd Goes Wild is on free-to-air television, and airs at 7pm at night. NZ telly is all kinds of fucked up. But it's funny.
Grand Final Wrap
The West Coast Offence beat the Swannies in the AFL Grand Final, momentarily disheartening the hoards of chardonnay-sipping, pristine-new-scarf wearing, bandwagon-jumping north shore tossers who now have to go back to supporting the Wallabies. The Westies celebrated by fuckin' swearin' in the fuckin' post-match interviews and blanking the kiddies on the rostrum. The Melbourne papers, naturally, reported this into the Greatest Sin Against Humanity since Pol Pot was driving the Khmer Rouge bus through Cambodia.
Some 18 hours later and 1000km norther (northerer?) Melbourne tried to beat Brisbane in a Grand Final, and failed. Given that everyone who has tried in the past to beat Brisbane in a Grand Final has also failed, the only solution is clearly to ban Brisbane from all Grand Finals.
And in much more important news, Newtown almost won reserve grade (OK, 'Premier League') - if they had it probably would have left Tommy Raudonikis needing another septuple bypass, so it's just as well the baby Eelses got up - and the actual Queensland Cup (as distinct from Brisbane Norths vs Toowoomba Clydesdales at the Grand Old Girl Stadium Australia) was won by Redcliffe's Dolphins (fresh from their legal victory over the Gold Coast NRL side re the 'Dolphins' name) over the aforementioned Big Horsies from Woombieland.
And now our Exclusive NRL Grand Final Gallery!*
*OK, ABC Sport's exclusive NRL Grand Final Gallery, just with our half-arsed comments added
Not content to have the least original jerseys of any new team in NRL franchise history, the Gold Coast Titfucks have also managed to secure sponsorship from budget air carrier DeathStar, the dodgiest airline since Plummett Airways
('We bring you closer to the ground - Faster')
Number 10, get your hand off my arse
Webcke introduces Smith to the concept of the 'grapple tackle', an approach which is of course entirely foreign to the Melbourne hooker
Kids, don't smoke crack
Fuck Queenslanders are gay
Shane Webcke triumphantly ends his career as a Grand Final winner, only to be attacked by a vampire on full time
And now our all-new** feature:
News in Briefs
**'All-new' does not infer in any way that any 'all-new' jokes will be used
- Ducati and Taree's Troy Bayliss is Superbike World Champion. There's no joke here, we're just giving him props. And of course pointing out that we had this picked months ago before the season even started.
- UEFA Champions League Champions of UEFA's Champions League of Champions, FC Barcelona, have broken a 130 year tradition and whored their corporate arses by putting an international organisation's logo on their jerseys. However, in another first, they've actually paid them for the privilege. The logo is that of Unicef, who'll benefit to the tune of a couple of thousand Euros from the Barca coffers per year. All together now: Awwww.
- Peter Crouch: good feat for a big man. In last week's UCLCoUCLoC Matchday Deux game against Galatasaray (I think it's a kebab shop in Lakemba), Crouch pulled off an astonishing and frankly physically unlikely overhead bicycle kick to put his Liverpiddle team up three-blot. Being Liverpool, they conspired to almost lose the fucking thing 3-2.
- Jonah's goooooorrrnne. Having missed out on a Super 14 contract, the most fearsome tuft in world rugby Jonah Lomu has finally figured out that trying to make an international comeback in time to represent NZ at the 2007 World Cup with half a functional kidney (and that being someone else's, as well) probably isn't a goer. Unless he's representing NZ at the Cricket World Cup, in which place he's probably still half a chance.
And he's busting them out, on his Weak comeback, for a series of Exclusive Predictions on this weekend's Big Sporting Event. It's the Tuesday after Grand Final weekend, which can only mean one thing: Bathurst in five days.
Nostrildramas' Exclusive Predictions for Bathurst 2006
- Holden will win
- Ford will not
- The telecast will consist entirely of fawning tributes to Brocky
- It will piss down for half the race, prompting ironic comments about 'this rain is really needed in rural NSW, but not today, [insert smug self-congratulatory laughter here]'
- Partly due to the rain, the fugly Chrysler 300C pace car will finish more laps than either of Dick Johnson's shitbox Falcons
- Greg Murphy will either win or spit the dummy in monumental fashion; either way it'll be funny
- The Stone Bros Fords will be quick for the first hour, then some random $2 part will fuck up on them and they'll get lapped
- Win, lose or sandtrap, Mark Skaife will swear on Racecam
- Daryl Beattie will start every pit lane report with 'Yeah nah yeah'
- Dr Yobbo will be very drunk for most of the afternoon
- Anyone thinking Ten's coverage was bad will be astonished by how absolutely fucking appalling Seven's will turn out to be
- See point 10 under Nostrildramas' Exclusive Predictions for Bathurst 2006
The Doctor is OUT... to go and get in training.
3 comments:
too bad about the rain .. apparently it's hotter than Warnies jockstrap out there - you better get some more beer :P
Oh no. Trust me - we didn't need any more beer. Not after one of our motley crew (it may have been Tommy Lee) put ten bucks in the pokies and produced enough money to fund unlimited jugs fo Speights for the balance of the afternoon. Skolling one's vessel was mandatory on any sightings of:
- the safety car (on only the ten occasions)
- anyone in pitlane busting out either the race tape or the slide hammer
- anyone swearing on Racecam (cheers Skaifey, thirty seconds into the race)
- random mentions in commentary of something or other being exactly what Peter Brock would have wanted
So, yeah. Absolutely munted yesterday then.
Must have been munted when I wrote this as well... Barca are donating a couple of MILLION Euros to Unicef as part of the shirt deal, not a few thou. They're not THAT cheap folks.
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