Noel! Where's me fruit platter!

Noel Gallagher is in his late thirties, seemingly still gets his hair cut by his mum with a pudding bowl and tin snips, and plays in a Beatles tribute band called Oasis. Yes, they're still not dead yet. He's been known to be good for a quote on the odd occasion. Usually, though, he just talks bollocks. As was the case recently when he decided to voice his opinion ref. the Strayan Nayshun's latest squadron of canary yellow heroes (except their playing strip is more of a urinary tract infection gold), the Socceroos. Here's the link courtesy SMH.com.au which we will now, in accordance with company policy, blatantly rip off:

Oasis frontman Noel Gallagher has let rip at the Socceroos, saying Australians should stick to sports they're better at. The keen soccer fan saw the Socceroos play at the World Cup in Germany this year and says he wasn't impressed. Gallagher, renowned for his controversial outbursts, said he did not have a great deal of respect for Australians playing soccer. "Stick to the Aussie Rules and the tennis and the cricket and the rugby, you are good at that," he told AAP from the United Kingdom. "Football is the game of the intelligentsia and you are shit at it. You will never win anything so give it up."

On that basis, why have England botherered fielding a team anytime in the last 40 years? Or, come to think of it, why the fuck are YOU interested in football, Gallagher?

The 39-year-old is a keen follower of his hometown club Manchester City and was the unofficial mascot of Italian World Cup striker Alessandro Del Piero.

Is that why he's now so shit?

It was the Italians that dumped the Socceroos out of the World Cup under controversial circumstances, thanks to a hotly disputed last-minute penalty.

Meaning they were beaten by the eventual champions. Meanwhile, Engerland staggered asthmatically past Ecuador, only to lose to the Portuguese diving team. Who went on to be the worst side in the last four by some distance.

"What do they call them, the Socceroos? Do me a f---ing favour, you could come up with a better nickname than that."

OK, fair point.

Gallagher says he has a particular dislike for Socceroos midfielder Tim Cahill, who plays for Liverpool club Everton. "I don't know, there is something about him. I would love to kick him right in the bollocks." Cahill scored two goals for the Socceroos in the World Cup match against Japan and was widely considered one of the country's best players of the tournament. "He has just got one of those faces," said Gallagher, whose brother Liam is also in Oasis. "Don't you find his face really slapable? I can assure you, lots of people in England do."

Noel old son, next time you feel a hankering to slap a Samoan gentleman in the face, might we suggest a night out in South Auckland.

Oasis toured Australia last December and next month release a "best of" album, titled Stop the Clocks. The album features a selection of what Gallagher considers the band's best work, including tracks such as Wonderwall and Morning Glory.

...i.e. the stuff he wrote fuckin' years ago when he was working for the fuckin' Gas Board, as distinct from anything the mouthy Mancker has extruded since. Noel Gallagher hasn't written a decent song in the last ten years. It's well known that before Oasis released their first album, he was sitting on about a hundred songs which he'd written. All the best stuff, the cream of the crop, went on Definitely Maybe. The next best stuff went on What's The Story With My Morning Glory, and the leftover shite went onto whatever the fuck their shitbox third album was called. Then he actually had to try and write some new stuff, which was also shite. That just about brings us up to today, where he's resorting to slagging off Samoan kids in order to try and get someone, ANYONE, to buy his hastily scraped together compilation made up of half of Possibly Vaguely and bits of his Morning Glory.

Despite his outburst, Gallagher said he liked visiting Australia and that he was "gagging" to get over for the Ashes cricket series. "The last time was just brilliant so the sooner the better for me," he said.

Yeah, Noel, us too. My old man, he told me, England will not bat till tea. With a nick-nack paddy-whack give-Patsy-Kensit-a-bone, pasty Pommies FUCK OFF HOME.

Meanwhile, Manchester City, as of press time, have won just one away game since last December, and in last weekend's round of games, managed to lose four-nil to Wigan Athletic.

I think there's something in that for all of us. There certainly was for Wigan Athletic.

The Doctor is OUT.