Ah yes, it's NRL Rivalry Round again and you can just smell it in the air. No, sorry, that's Dunedin International Airstrip where you can smell it in the air, particularly when the dairy farm upwind is milking. Poooooo. Anyhoo, rivalry round. Where traditional emnities are stirred, grudges are inflamed, and Books of Feuds are dusted off. Mate against mate. Hate against hate. Souths against Easts. Parra against the Dogs. Canberra against... the Gold Coast.
Hmmm. There's a grudge match for the ages. Taking that one to the grave. What is it about Raiders v Titans that so stirs the soul? What is it about those two mighty teams, unified by a burning hatred that goes back GENERATIONS*, that captivates the attention of the entire rugby league world, NAY UNIVERSE?
*Mayfly generations. Fuck off, it counts
The answer, of course, is 'Absolutely Fucking Nowt'. The Book of Feuds for those two clubs would amount to a four-page pamphlet, most of which would be taken up by glossy ads for Gold Coast timeshares. Which illustrates the issue with NRL Rivalry Round. Some of the rivalries are, let's say, ever so slightly piss-ant. One would be forgiven for thinking Rivalry Round is just a way of disguising the fact the fixtures-calculating Amstrad had a RAM crash and spat out more than the usual number of all-Sydney matchups this week.
Look, NRL. If you're going to do Rivalry Round, do it properly. Set up some quality matchups which will provoke some proper hate. Even if it involves upgrading the fixtures computer to a Vic-20. Or even if it means cheating like a seven-times Tour de France champion and just making shit up that works for you. In Rivalry Round, teams should play their most hated rivals, the teams they hate and fear the most. The Dragons would play the Sharks. The Cowboys would play their bitter in-state rivals the Broncos. Wests would play the GWS Giants, at tackle netball, and would still beat them by 100 plus. Easts would battle apathy and indifference (no change there then). Melbourne would play the NRL salary cap auditors. Finally, Manly would play everyone in the competition, either via a selection of a composite 'All Stars' style selection or just Manly's 13 players vs all 195 starters of the other NRL sides at once. The latter alternative would of course be grossly unfair and would likely result in serious injury to many or all of Manly's players, which is why I personally favour it.
What do you think? Oy'm Dr Yobbo wi' a Y.
The Doctor is OUT.
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