Me gone

Girls called Megan are hot. Fact. This is an irrefutable, non-negotiable point of law, just as girls called Sharon are buck-toothed slappers and girls called Charmaine are men dressed as ladies. It would appear, then, that the greatest hot-chick name of all time would have to be Megan Fox. It says it all, really. She's a Megan, she's a Fox, The End. It couldn't have been a greater case of nominative determinism (people whose names echo their jobs - it's not that hard to explain thanks very much New Scientist's smug-arsed Feedback section) had she been called Megan Vixen, Megan Jesus Fucking Lord Look At That or Megan Arghhhhh I'm Spent.

Basically, if Megan Fox didn't exist she would need to be invented. And that's just her name. It's wholly appropriate that the actress with the name Megan Fox actually looks like this:

























And not like this:

























Of course all of the above hinges on the presumption Megan Fox isn't a stage name and her real name is Bernice van Arshlicht or something.

So she's a Megan, and she's a fox, and all is good. She can't act her way out of wet newspaper, but we'd like to see her try anyway. And she's good for a headline, it would seem (and not in any way because it enables lazy subbies to run photos of highly concentrated pouting sultriness next to the story.) A couple of recent Googlegrabs (recent, as in today):

Megan Fox’s sex honesty
Megan Fox open to dating women
Megan Fox films sex scene for zombie flick
Megan Fox reveals affair with female stripper
Megan Fox to keep revealing her sex life
Megan Fox in sex romp with Scarlett Johansson and large tub of Neapolitan icecream

(Note: one of these may have been made up)

So the lesbian stripper story, such as it is, is this. Eighteen year old wannabe-actress moves to Hollywood, breaks up with boyfriend, all alone in big city, decides to start stalking hot Russian stripper from dubiously named gentlemen's establishment (The Body Shop, FFS? Anita Roddick would be spinning in her grave) and has relationship with same. Sorry, that should be has hot, teenage, lesbian relationship with same. I think I got the order right there. And that's all good.

The zombie sex story is regarding her next great role: that of a possessed lesbian zombie cheerleader in something called Jennifer's Body. What else? "I eat and seduce everyone," the actress explained, when quizzed on the intricacies of the plot and of her character's motivations. And of course all great roles need their pivotal scenes - think Citizen Kane on the steps, Dirty Harry on the riverbank, Kenny emptying his septic truck over that guy's convertible - and Jennifer's is... a topless lesbian bump-and-grind bedroom romp with the chick from Mamma Mia. Again I ask, what else?

The unifying theme here seems to be 'Megan Fox likes sex, almost as much as she likes talking loudly about it to entertainment reporters', as illustrated by a third separate story - yes, in a single day - subheadlined '‘Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen’ star Megan Fox has vowed never to stop talking about her sex life, insisting she is not embarrassed to reveal her bedroom antics.'

Megan Fox has vowed never to stop talking about her sex life.
The ‘Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen’ star – who recently admitted she has the libido of a teenage boy - insists she is not embarrassed to reveal her bedroom antics to the world.
She said: “Sex is something that everyone does, so why can’t I talk about it?”
Megan also revealed she is keen to star in a variety of different movie genres which showcase her versatility, because she doesn’t feel the two ‘Transformers’ movies challenged her as an artist....

Oh for fuck's sake. Did they not, love?

But this is not the problem with the story, or any of the other stories published on this very Fox-centric day in cyberspace, most of which were bits and pieces taken from a recent GQ interview. No, the problem with the story, and with Megan Fox, is a simple one, but one which forces any normal, well-adjusted individual to draw a line under her and declare, "From you, we will hear no more. Shush, get off the internet, and be gone with thee."

That simple problem is this: she's engaged - yes, engaged, deliberately, on purpose - to this guy.




















Yes, it's the dweeby little twink from 90210 with three names and no discernable talent, Brian Austin Green.

This might not prove there is no God, but it certainly proves something else - there's no accounting for fuckin' taste.

The Doctor is OUT.