WE CAN SEE YOU

Got stuck in traffic yesterday during Dunedin's vicious peak hour, which can sometimes be as long as twenty minutes either side of 9am and 5pm, stuck behind a hulking great grey Hilux ute, jacked up on mudders, too many aerials, tinted windows far too dark to be illegal, farting diesel smoke belligerantly. And a big fuck-off bumper sticker on the canopy window, declaring in strident all-caps: DRILL HERE. DRILL NOW. And to emphasise this wasn't an invitation from the driver to take him to a gay bar and start a nuclear war, a footnote: DUNEDIN WELCOMES ANADARKO.

Erm, no we fucken don't.

Imma get out of my car and cut a bitch

In a world furiously divesting itself from fossil fuels, drilling the shit out of the sea floor on the off chance there might be shit we can pour into our fucking Cletus-spec Hilux - scratch that, shit some American oil company can sell back to us to pour in our fucking Cletus-spec Hilux - ain't something a lot of us can get behind. We're not that desperate to get on the news as the film location for the blockbuster sequel Deepwater Horizon 2: View To A Spill, and are fully aware that any jobs created by offshore drilling would stay within the industry and create negligible benefits here, compared to the potential for fucking up our valuable eco-tourism and fishing industries. (Let's start drilling for dead dinosaur juice just off the coast from the only mainland Royal Albatross colony in the fucking world. Top concept.) Which is why for every DRILL HERE DRILL NOW sticker in circulation on our roads, there's two or more inviting oil exploration (exploitation?) firms like ANADARKO to GTFO.

There's a commonality amongst the drill fetishists though. Always blokes. Always 4WDs, or tradie vehicles. Always beardy. And almost always in hi-vis. Why always hi-vis?

What proportion of people who wear hi-vis for a job are total cunts? More than 90%? Give us a call on the hot take hotline

— Dr Yobbo (@DrYobbo) July 19, 2015

What is it about hi-vis that attracts the beardy cunt? Is it the bright colour? The cache that comes with being associated with classy professions like FIFO ditch digger or school crossing guard? Or is it just a bizarre affection for the Dutch national team?
 

Out in the carpark there's a dozen more fucken Hiluxes

Surely being a cunt in hi-vis would be counter-productive. You do know we can see you, right? It's kind of an unavoidable side effect of that whole DRESSING IN HIGH VISIBILITY CLOTHING DEAL.

Hey. Look. Stop being cunts, or we're all fucked. You, me, the Seychelles, the polar bears, anything less than twenty feet from shore - we're all going under. Even your shiny fucken jacked-up Hilux. As your mate Clarkson demonstrated, they're not particularly fucken waterproof.

JC heads the shops for a pack of smokes, April 2029

The Doctor is OUT.