Brown eyed girl

Royal Watcher. Still, apparently, a valid job description for certain cretinous dropouts of the Fourth Estate. What I've learned from Royal Watchers, particularly those who've stalked the Windsors over the years is that in matters of Royal etiquette, it is at all times critical to remain decorous, staid and reserved. To choose one's words carefully. To observe protocol. And with that, I ask:

Pray tell, has one seen the Royal Ringpiece?

Yes those dastardly Chermans have been at it again, leering motordrives akimbo to snap a split-secont helicopter-mediated bare-bottied upskirt of the Duchess of Cambridge. Can we Bild it? Yes we can Fuck off and Google it yourself you pervs. This of course is a gross violation of the woman's privacy and in any reasonable world those responsible for capturing and publishing would be up on charges of being grotty fucking sex pests. But... celebrity. So apparently it's All Cool.

And you looked, anyway. Of course you looked. So the system works. The market wins. Supply and demand. If the punters didn't care about the Royals, like any other celebs, they wouldn't be kept around to make a living off their fame. Problem is, some of those punters want more than a Royal wave and a 'May husband and aye so loved visiting your countray' out the back window of a flag-bonneted Roller. And it's not as though the Royals are willing signatories to that part of the deal, the pap-snaps, the upskirts. This was not consensual. If Kate had photocopied her arse at the Palace Xmas Party, that might be a different prospect.

There's plenty of scope for focused, surgical dissection of this debate, analysing how and why society allows certain human females to be exploited in such a way. There is a place for discussion of how the patriarchy classifies females somewhere between quasi-human subspecies and tradeable chattels.

This is not that place, because there are cheap bum jokes to be made, and I'm a cheap bum. For as Sir Robert Menzies said, 'I did but see her arsing by, but I will love her till I die.'

Just as well it was Bob Menzies and not Bob Ass-kin.

OK, I'm done.

The Doctor is OUT.