Aussies crack morning glory: England out to lunch long before midday
SCOREBOARD
in a computery looking font so it looks vaguely official
Levi Strauss c Bimbo b Pigeon 12 (21) FOW 1/28
Captain Cook c Skwarne b Pigeon again 11 (15) FOW 2/28
Two down already, they could be fucked
Craig not out 41 (131)
Western Bulldogs c Gilchrist b Clark 5 (29) FOW 3/42
Lismore in the house, y'all
St Pietersburg lbw b Pigeon yet again 16 (38) FOW 4/78
Give someone else a go Pigeon you hog
A Fuckoff c Christ b Blee FA (2) FOW 5/79
Yeah, they're fucked
Grunt Jones not out 19 (49)
England, at lunch but hardly dining out, are 5/118
To avoid the follow-on, England need 285 runs and a minor miracle
Burning question of the morning
(well, more stinging than burning, unless you rub it with Deep Heat)
Do you get points for hitting Billy? Or does large amounts of personal satisfaction have to do?
Bowden, justifiably the least popular umpire in world cricket amongst players, found his vaudeville routine cut short after being felled by a full-blooded England pull-shot. Granted, having watched their innings to that point, any sort of full-blooded cricket shot was probably the thing he would have least expected, but he didn't need to flop onto the deck with histrionics that would have made an Italian wing-back blush. The answer, in case you're wondering, is no, you don't get any points for hitting Billy per se. Though five runs are awarded to the batting side if the ball hits his helmet... and it was a bit too far to the left for that.
Until next session, the Doctor is OUT. Presumably b McGrath like every other bastard.
___________________________
England undone by crack: kids, don't do drugs
SCOREBOARD
as above with the following minor improvements:
Craig c Tang b Clark-No-E for fitty
Wade Seccombe's Former Number Two lbw Ooh Ahh; he was only nineteen
Monty's Understudy c Haydos b Ooh Aah for a carton
Hogwild c Christ b Clark-No-E for donut
Harmlesson c Christ b Ooh Ahh for just as many
Androgynouson not out not much
England all out 157, a lead over NSW of 12 runs
Pity those other bastards are playing as well
Australia 2nd Innings, albeit completely unnecessary:
Clanger not out 7
Haydos not out 25 and going the tonk
Australia no wicket for 33, a lead of... Jesus that's a lot
This just in
A newsflash on the NZ news website has just breathlessly announced: ENGLAND HEADING FOR DEFEAT. Granted, the story could have appeared any time since Thursday morning. In particular any time since Australia declared their first innings closed/England's chances fucked yesterday afternoon.
Question of the session
Did Punter bail on the follow-on because the ACB couldn't afford the refunds on the Day 4 tickets?
If not, why the hell did he do it?
Take your pick from:
(a) To give his Dad's Army attack a chance to rest, relax and recharge the batteries on their mobility scooters
(b) For the hell of it
(c) Because he can't count high enough to work out Australia is winning by fuckin' shitloads
(d) Contractually obliged to let Haydos get a decent chance to cash in on his home track
(e) In order to manipulate the gamewinning scenario probability matrix from one favouring a victorious outcome to one in which the plausible likelihood of defeat is infinitesimally small and tending to zero (yes, we've been hacking into Buchanan's laptop again)
(f) He wants to get that other 4 runs he missed out on
(g) To install a Rheem in the collective psyche of the England entourage
(h) Actually thinks they're more likely to win this way (least likely)
All will be revealed in Session Three... possibly.
The Doctor is OUT.
___________________________
Oh God, make them stop, this is barbaric
SCOREBOARD
Australia 2nd Innings, not sure why they're bothering but they've gone ahead anyway:
J Langer not out 88
M Hayden run out (Hayden) 37
R Ponting not out 51
Australia 1/181, a lead so cataclysimically large it remains unimaginable by man
Question of the session...
...relates to the heavily promoted XXXX Gold Beach Cricket tournament. Would you really want to go and see decrepit 50-something has-been "legend" cricketers (when precisely did Gooch become a legend?) farting around playing beach cricket? Particularly if you have to drink XXXX Gold in order to get tickets in the first place?
For more information on their heavily promoted series, don't go to their heavily promoted website because it doesn't actually seem to work at the moment.
This is where the 'barmy' part comes in, apparently
The Barmy Army, the only supporters' organisation in all of sports which prefers to chant its own name over the name of the team it supposedly supports, has taken self-delusion to stratospheric new levels with their claims that Cricket Australia and Gabba security have conspired to hush them up, ex-KGB-dude-style, in order to ensure Australia a competitive advantage over England. Their leader, Field Marshall Gerald Pinkpastygit, maintains the conspiracy involved dispersing the Barmy Army's seating allocations all around the stadium rather than letting them congregate en masse, and having their trumpet player thrown out of the ground on Day 1. He further claimed many Barmy Infantrymen went on strike on Day 2 in protest at their treatment by Gabba security, and that their absence could be directly correlated to the poor form of their national side.
To which the Weak's regular readers and correspondents, all of which have all attended more than the odd game at the Gabba, would probably reply:
(a) Gabba security have ALWAYS been complete arseholes, they're not just like that with you
and
(b) They didn't throw your trumpet player out because he was giving England a competitive advantage. They threw him out because he was fucking annoying.
The real reason England are losing has nothing to do with the presence or otherwise of the Barmy Army, Barmy Army, Barmy Army, Barmy Army, Repeat Ad Nauseum, No Dazza I Don't Reckon We're Gonna Pick Up Tonight Eeeva. The Weak can exclusively reveal the TRUE CONSPIRACY underlying the performance, or complete lack thereof, of Johnny English against the hated convicts.
Take a good look at the heavy roller which Gabbo curator Kevin Mitchell Jr (no not the whiny guy from Jebediah) trolls across the pitch before each innings. The Weak's sources report that at a flick of the switch, Mitchell can deploy a squadron of microscopic ploughs which can introduce cracks into the pitch which are only present when England are batting, as a matching set of small dispensers filled with Selleys Space Invader repair the cracks when the pitch is rolled prior to Australian innings. Disbelieving cynics might ask why noone at the ground has noticed this dastardly scheme in action, but as the Weak's sources maintain, at the time Mitchell is wreaking his unholy havoc most crowd members are conveniently distracted at the time by the Milo Kanga Cricket kids, who are sledged unmercifully by both sides of the Ashes divide.
Balanced against these revelations should probably be the fact that the Weak's sources are on smack.
Today's List of Things Not To Do At The Cricket
- Piss off Gabba security. This extends to chanting 'Blue top, blue top' at cute policewomen.
- Stick your wrist in the way of a middled Haydos straight drive.
- Get yourself run out when your skipper has failed to enforce the follow-on solely so you can have another dig in front of your home crowd.
- Wave your flag at Justin Langer over the bowler's shoulder while he's taking guard. He's a little Mr Cranky Pants with no sense of humour about such things.
- Play for England.
The Doctor is OUT.
